Why My Friends Mother Probably Wishes I Am Dead

I’ve spent all morning looking at suicide related information and videos on the internet. Then I get a call, which would be the first person I would get to talk to in two days, and it is the mother of my friend who helps me with my mental illness. They basically told me to not talk to my friend again, and that they would talk to my friend so say the same thing. They do have perfect timing with these things, nobody gives me bad news when I’m not thinking about killing myself, then again it is probably all my fault. I’ll explain.

I have this friend who helps me out with my mental illness, someone who I mention a lot on this blog because we often fall out and become friends again. We have had one major falling out in the past where I think they blocked my number, but then unblocked it and decided to become friends with me again. The more I think about it, the more I get confused. Anyway, this friend is a girl, and I’m a guy. I can’t ever imagine talking to any of my guy friends (who actually don’t care about me or talk to me) about my mental illness as they would probably laugh at me, make endless jokes and then we would go for a “Cheeky Nandos”. Something like that… So when I talk to my friend (the girl) some people will think I like her as more than a friend, because at the young age of 17 it is impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex without liking them apparently (unless you are gay, you can get away with it then). So that’s why I think my friends’ mother must hate me. I’m a guy talking to a girl, I think that could get me locked away for life.

Anyway, I’ve spent the whole morning looking at suicide related things on the internet. I’m very depressed again. I’m not sure whether it is exams, the fact I wont get to talk to anyone for a week, or just my mental illness in general, but I’m feeling a lot lower than usual (which is low anyway). As a side note, my medication has never been working so maybe they will change it. Back on topic, I decided to ring my friend because I needed someone to talk to, which is what everyone recommends you do when you are suicidal. I’m just following advice. My friend didn’t answer. But then within 30 seconds I get another call from an unknown number, which I decide to answer as it might be my friend from a different mobile. However, it is my friends mother who decides to rant on about how she doesn’t want “boys calling [name] on her mobile”. Yeah, my friend may as well quit college and move to an all girls college, graduating to become a nun. Everyone in the world is stupid.

The only other problem is probably all my fault. I have rang my friend quite a lot in the past few days, due to me getting more and more depressed. Somewhere between 20 and 30 times since Friday lunchtime, with them answering roughly one in six of them. All of them were because I was feeling lonely or depressed and needed someone to talk to. I can’t talk to my online friend due to Shabbat (the weekly Jewish festival where orthodox Jews don’t use electronic devices between Friday sunset to Saturday sunset – one of the many rules). I had no one else to talk to. During one of the calls I thought I was ringing them too much so I asked them. They said it was fine but if they don’t answer I should try to wait for them to call me back. I thought that was fine then. I’m not sure if I actually did anything wrong but I blame myself for it if I did.

So now this has me worrying about what will happen next. I’ve already cut myself several times because I think the world is going to end. Being mentally ill I tend to imagine the worst things are going to happen. I have decided that the police may arrive to take me away, to which I’ll plead insanity because either I’m insane or the rest of the world is if I’m not allowed to talk to a girl. I also imagine the college kicking me out, at which point I’ll decide to start my own online business but give up after a week because I will kill myself. I have also decided I might run away from home. I don’t know if any of these will actually happen but I guess I’m crazy.

I am meant to sit five exams next week (well on Monday I can say next week, I’m losing track of time), and I am meant to be revising for the next week to prepare. I guess I can’t do that now because I’ll probably spend the next week cutting myself while thinking about suicide. It sounds like a fun week ahead! I do get to see my GP on Friday, but I’m not looking forward it as the police might wait for me there and arrest me. I have googled whether talking to girls is a criminal offence and the internet says it is, I just hope that isn’t true. Anyway, I’m off to cut myself and make myself look even more crazy so I can plead insanity, goodbye.

I Found Out How To Kill Myself!

Yeah, I’ve figured out how I can now kill myself without having to even leave my room, I just need to decide whether to do it or not. I’ve managed to set it up already so that is not a problem. Could I go through with it? And would it actually work? I’m not sure.

I have rope in my room, one end of it is tied to my bed. The other end is currently lying on the floor (the noose is also tied just to let you know) but my plan would be to hang it round a bar off my wall which can support my weight. I also have a stool/chair thing in my room which I can use to get up to the noose once I put it around the bar. Then I can jump off. There might be a strange case where the bar somehow doesn’t support my weight, or the bed moves to stop me hanging myself, but I think if I put stuff on top of my bed to weigh it down then everything should go fine.

Apparently my suicidal thoughts should be going down now. In fact I got another letter from my CAMHS person today who claims that I’m having no suicidal thoughts. I wont even bother writing about that, what is the point? We all know I hate my CAMHS counsellor. I haven’t even heard from the new one I am meant to be getting, is there any point in waiting?

My family still don’t care. My friends don’t care. I’m not even sure what the point in writing about all of this is. It is the same each time. My family don’t love me, my friends don’t care, I’m lonely, I’m depressed… the list goes on. I don’t think they would cry if I died, I don’t think I could cry if they died.

I feel ill. Physically and mentally. Anyone who thinks depression isn’t a serious illness should jump off a cliff, I’ll jump off with you. I wish I didn’t have depression. If I had the choice I would trade it with cancer because at least I know it will end at some point, dead or alive. I don’t want to live anymore.

Oh well…

Talk Of Suicide

Suicide. Thinking about it isn’t even strange to me anymore, it is just a normal part of life. Want to know what is strange? Going an hour without thinking about killing myself. That happened once, I’m not exactly sure when but I know it happened. I’m sure there used to be a time before I was depressed that I didn’t think about suicide but I have no memories of what that felt like. I’m sure it felt good but I have no idea.

TRIGGER WARNING: There is a lot of talk about suicide. I talk about suicide on my blog a lot without including a trigger warning but I imagine this could easily trigger someone. Please don’t read if you feel like you could be triggered by talk of suicide.

Some people in my maths class were talking about suicide, it was a very strange conversation. I think most “intelligent” people lack the ability to have normal conversations, but then that makes me question how they are so intelligent. One of them said their preferred method of suicide would be to jump out of a window, that’s when I realised how stupid they actually were. Jump out of a window? I think they were also referring to the window they were standing next to, which would have probably broke their legs at most if they jumped out. Idiot. The other person said they would shoot themselves in the head. I wouldn’t trust this person to do that, I don’t think they even know how a gun works. How would they also get a gun? Gun suicide is not very common in the UK compared to America, and I wonder how a working-class teenage girl would get a gun.

Anyway, at one point I was ready to jump out and scream the best way to do it. Recently the idea of carbon monoxide suicide has come to the front of my mind. Easy, painless, you just fall asleep while it happens. How could these people not consider it? I sat silent because telling everyone I am the master of suicide plans (despite being alive?) is not the kind of thing you should say at college. Yeah, if you survive carbon monoxide suicide you will possibly have permanent brain damage but my brain already feels dead…

Tomorrow I get to go to my counsellor and tell them I hate them, I never want to talk to them again and that the medication I’m on is not working. In fact my suicidal thoughts are getting worse again. At least this medication hasn’t made me do anything stupid (yet). I overdosed on Propranolol (worst idea ever – it did almost nothing except upset my stomach and make me feel dizzy a bit) and the Fluoxetine made me so suicidal I had to go hospital. Sertraline seems to be the medication that does nothing, and I’ve been on it for almost seven weeks.

I doubt I will say those things to my counsellor, but if I could do anything it would be much worse. I have a very interesting memory of sitting in the room with my counsellor once thinking about picking up the stapler and violently bashing them repeatedly with it until I could walk out the room without a stupid comment from them (I’m sure we all get these thoughts, right?). That is one of the things I could think about while smiling. But I know that is a stupid idea now… I’m not sure how easy it is to commit suicide while in prison.

I’ve asked to speak to my friend before I go counselling tomorrow. Yeah, that friend who was my friend one month but then fell out with me, then we became friends again but fell out, and now we talk! That friend. I blame myself for our failed friendship but I guess the job of my new counsellor would be to convince me otherwise. They have agreed to talk to me for a few minutes before I leave to go counselling. I haven’t yet decided whether to cry in front of them (something I am yet to do), beg for their eternal forgiveness (but I don’t know what for yet) or to tell them they have been a bad friend to me and they need to get their act together. Actually, I will probably just say I really need someone to help me get through this, which falls somewhere between begging and telling them they have been a bad friend. Closer to begging. A lot closer to begging. I’ll probably cry. I have about 16 hours to think this over. Well.

What if this talk goes wrong? And my counselling? And that stats test tomorrow? And talking to that girl at college? Yeah, they will all go wrong. At least I have cutting. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone but I love it, I want to keep cutting all to myself. Don’t cut guys! I can cut though. I love watching the blood run out of my veins, I love the pain that I get, I love knowing that no one cares about me and I don’t either. I’m not bothered by scarring, so what. My mind is already mentally scarred by the emotional neglect I’ve received for 17 years. Even if someone loved and cared about me, the damage to my mind has already been done. I’m a failed person. Should I celebrate? Do I get a little badge for it? No, I just get scars and a face full of tears.

P.S. The featured image is old, I’ve been cutting more again…

Blogging Upsets Me

Blogging upsets me, like everything else. I’ve been on my medication for 5 and a half weeks now so I’m meant to be feeling better. I have less suicidal thoughts but my mood is even worse, so here’s another thing that doesn’t work. I’m going to get upset over everything now, I don’t think blogging is going to help me. I probably won’t write anything for a while, I’ll just get upset and sit in my room crying or something. Don’t get worried if I don’t post for a while, I don’t even think I could be bothered to kill myself if I wanted to.

I guess the sun is out so that should cheer me up, but it doesn’t when you can’t wear t-shirts…

[Guest Post] Don’t blame the Germanwings tragedy on Depression

NEWS JUST IN!

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Andreas Lubitz preferred flavor of ice cream was Strawberry.

That’s probably why he crashed that plane and killed himself along with 149 other people.

Ehhh no, that’s not why. But thank you dear Daily Mail for making us strawberry ice cream fans feel even more ostracized.

He also had brown hair.

Oh my fuck. You’re telling me he liked strawberry ice cream AND had brown hair? And they let him fly a plane? Why wasn’t he in an asylum? People who have brown hair and like strawberry ice cream can’t be trusted to get a haircut, let alone fly a plane.

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Apparently he also had six toes.

Well now I’ve heard enough. Lock him up.

He’s dead.

Well lock all of them up!

Who?

All the depressed people in the world! Lock them all up because we cannot be sure they will not commit the same atrocity.

That’s not being insensitive. That’s saving lives.


What a load of tosh! I have barely been able to keep it together reading about this Germanwings tragedy. My knuckles have gone whiter than a virgin’s armpit at all the bullshit that is being spewed this week.

Don’t think me insensitive. I am far from it. I’m sad and grieving like the rest of Europe. But while everyone is farting on about Andreas Lubitz having Depression, no one is stating the obvious, which is that Depression doesn’t make you want to kill people. I’m not a doctor but I’m pretty sure flying planes into mountains is not normally considered a side effect of Depression.

What pisses me off is that these people don’t even know what Depression is!! If they did, they wouldn’t be so quick to vilify it.

There are over 350 million people suffering from Depression worldwide. A large majority probably have high powered jobs, and are in charge of hundreds of lives. Can we expect each and every single person to be demoted because they suffer from the most common mental illness under the sun? No. Should we ban them all from doing their jobs? Fuck no. Should we burn the world’s supply of lorazepam because Andreas Lubitz just happened to have a prescription? FUCK no.

It’s infuriating to see Depression being dragged through the mud like this. It already has a shit enough reputation as it is. Whenever there is no tangible answer to tragedy, the media basically throws a bunch of shit at the wall and the one that sticks in the lucky winner.

The lucky winner in this weeks media circus is Depression. It’s been out of the spotlight for a little while but now it’s back stronger than ever. Please welcome this week’s winner “DEPRESSION!”

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I think we’re confusing psychopathy with Depression. Please let’s not blur those two. Psychopathy is the inability to experience empathy and remorse. It is characterized by bold and anti-social behavior. Depression is mental illness marked by feelings of hopelessness, sorrow and listlessness. It’s also fucking exhausting.

At my lowest, I’d have to choose between brushing my teeth or showing. I physically could not do both. If you had asked me to fly a plane, I think I would have gone into catatonic shock.

The truth is, the behavior displayed by Andreas Lubitz is completely out of character for someone with Depression. People with Depression are more likely to harm themselves than others. In fact, the Guardian reported that individuals suffering from mental illnesses are much more likely to fall victim of murder than the general public.

I’m sick and tired of defending Depression. Why doesn’t the media look out their fucking window for a change? Half the world is suffering from Depression. And because of one tragic incident all of us are now no longer trusted with a pair of scissors?

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Enough. Fucking enough. I have Depression. So does half the fucking world. So far only one person has crashed a plane into a mountain. Stop behaving as if we’re all at risk of becoming mass murderers. We’re not. We’re normal people. We have a disease. Stop blaming this on Depression.


Todays post is a guest post from the amazing writer Depression Darling. I have mentioned her blog a few times on my blog (and given her every possible award I can), and from reading through this I am sure you can see why, it is certainly a different style to what I do. If you would like to see more of her posts I recommend you check out her blog by clicking here, you won’t regret it.

The Worst Symptoms of Depression

Depression, one of the most talked about topics on my blog with suicide and counselling but I’ll have to talk about it again as it is the theme of the day for my Blogging A to Z challenge. I thought I would take a slightly different approach from moaning about my life… so I’ll moan about my symptoms. Well, kind of. Today I shall talk about the symptoms of depression that annoy me the most, besides the obvious feeling very, very sad.

Symptoms Of Depression
Well, how can we decide on the most annoying symptoms if we don’t even know them? I’ve taken these from the NHS website, so check that out if you want more information.

Psychological symptoms include:
– continuous low mood or sadness
– feeling hopeless and helpless
– having low self-esteem
– feeling tearful
– feeling guilt-ridden
– feeling irritable and intolerant of others
– having no motivation or interest in things
– finding it difficult to make decisions
– not getting any enjoyment out of life
– feeling anxious or worried
– having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself

Physical symptoms include:
– moving or speaking more slowly than usual
– change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)
– constipation
– unexplained aches and pains
– lack of energy or lack of interest in sex (loss of libido)
– changes to your menstrual cycle
– disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)

Social symptoms include:
– not doing well at work
– taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
– neglecting your hobbies and interests
– having difficulties in your home and family life

Please note that I don’t suffer from all of these symptoms, if my menstrual cycle changed (or even if I, as a guy, managed to have one) I would be claiming to have something quite different from depression.

Disturbed Sleep
Have you ever had a list of things to do and you know the exact order you want to do them? I often have lists which go similar to “write a blog post, do some college revision, message my friend, go to sleep”. This symptom of depression can often make me do the list backwards, meaning I fall asleep first! Last week I was struggling to stay awake past 9pm while the week before there were nights I stayed awake until 2am. I’m not actually sure whether depression is meant to do that, I always thought depression either made you unable to sleep, or sleep too much, not both! The lack of revision due to my sleepiness will probably make my exams much harder, but I dread to think what will happen if I don’t get any sleep before my exam. This is one of the most annoying symptoms for me, especially when you are forced to listen to Taylor Swift at 4am because you have ran out of songs to listen to after staying awake all night…

Neglecting Your Hobbies And Interests
Yes, this counts as a symptom. The worst thing about this symptom is that I know if I do my hobbies I will feel better. If I go for a run I will feel better. If I program something interesting on the computer I will feel better. However for some reason my mind has decided I am only allowed to think about my hobbies, actually doing them is banned whilst suffering from depression. What is also annoying is that this then forces me to sit at home on my laptop thinking about how sad I am, so I feel even worse. When I manage to pickup my hobbies again I will feel so much better. Have I used the word “feel” too much yet? It’s probably because I feel bad about neglecting my hobbies.

Having Suicidal and Self-Harm Thoughts
Nothing will make you feel better than thinking about harming and killing yourself… wrong! Nothing will make you feel worse. Suicide is one of the most talked about topics on my blog so this symptom is probably annoying both my readers and me. I dream of the day where I don’t think about harming myself, I really do, and I know when that day comes I will have made significant progress with my mental health. Seriously, this symptom appears everywhere. Having a shower? Yeah, I might kill myself later. Eating my breakfast? Oh, I need to cut myself now. Brushing my teeth? Oh, I could always brush too hard and make my gums bleed (I’ve not actually done that but I’m pretty sure it’s possible). This pattern of thought continues throughout the whole day so it gets annoying pretty fast.

Feeling Sad
Okay, okay, I said I wont mention it, but how can I not include it on this list. It goes without saying, feeling depressed is one of the most common, most annoying and most frequent symptom of depression. You might think you are having it tough when you are sad for half a day, try living with depression.

If I am honest, I could probably think of a reason for every symptom to be on this list, they are all so horrible. Things like this make me wish there were a magic cure for depression, but then I wonder what I would blog about! Besides the obvious ones, what would you say is the most annoying symptoms of your mental illness are? Don’t have a mental illness? Just speculate.


This post is part of my Blogging A to Z April Challenge. The theme for today is “depression”. Fortunately tomorrow the challenge gives me a break, so don’t expect anything, although I may have a surprise for my followers (note the use of the word “may”).