Yeah, whatever mental illness I am suffering from, it is definitely getting worse again! Today I decided I would cut myself 49 times, one for each day I have been on this medication that is doing absolutely nothing for me. My suicidal thoughts are on the way back up after I thought the medication was making them go down, my cutting is also on the way back up and I’m still feeling as sad and as isolated as ever. As someone who is sitting real exams in a few weeks, this could not have come at a worse time. So today, what happened?
I went to counselling today. I decided I would give my counsellor the silent treatment. This was the first time I had seen them in 4 weeks (they didn’t want to see me sooner), and also the first time I had seen them after receiving the strange letter. I hate them. I said to my friend earlier in the day that I wouldn’t mind if my counsellor jumped off a cliff, obviously I don’t mean that, I think I let my emotions get the better of me as I would never want anyone to commit suicide, but I think that shows how much I hate them. I didn’t want to talk to them and I wanted them to know it. I want my new counsellor to come as soon as possible.My counsellor just made me feel worse, while sitting in that room listening to them try to get an answer out of me I knew I was going to go home and cut. I wasn’t planning to do anything like I did but I could see something coming. I got home after counselling and was normal for a few hours… or normal for me. I went to my room and cried for a bit then played a game on my phone. I haven’t been able to concentrate on exam revision very well for a while so it is not surprising that I didn’t get any done. But after I had dinner it went downhill. I decided that I had to do one cut for every day this new medication had failed me, so I checked out the calendar and counted how many days I had been taking it. 1, 2, 3… 47, 48, 49! 49 days of failed medication! I have been on my medication for 7 weeks and I don’t feel worse. I guess I deserve these 49 cuts.
I did two cuts and thought I wasn’t going to reach 49. I stopped for about 5 minutes. However, I am someone who doesn’t give up easily so I kept going. I reached 7 cuts quite early on before realising I shouldn’t be doing a tally of my cuts, let alone attempt to reach 49 cuts. I distracted myself with my phone again but I was constantly feeling sadder every minute as I thought about how my week had gone so far. I don’t know how but I made it to 10 cuts while still on my phone. Distracting myself was clearly not working. 12. 15. 18. 20. I had got to 20 cuts when I decided enough was enough.
I attempted to do some revision but it failed. I did two more cuts which takes my total to 22. I still have 3 hours left in the day and I have no idea what I will do. I don’t know whether to stop, I don’t know whether to try to reach 49 cuts. I am confused.