Inside My Book Of Rhymes

My readers know I love poetry. My mood often influences my poetry greatly from my depressed rhymes about cutting and suicide to my excited on-the-edge political verses. Although I often publish unedited poems on my blog, almost all will follow the theme of depression or mental illness. As I ay have mentioned before I carry my book of rhymes with me, so I thought I would share some random rhymes that have come to me in the past. I do not make notes on them so some may have been written months ago and I may not have been completely sane when writing them so do not expect normalness, if that is a word…

“Hey, how are you today”
“Not bad, what about you”
Clearer than the sky to see there’s dismay
Hope this chat doesn’t blow too

“So what you been up to recently”
“Oh just mountains of school work to complete”
Really her little brother who was only just three
Has now been scarred from head to feet

“Did you catch the latest episode of One Man Grenade”
“Oh I think it was really great”
The only thing she watched was the military parade
Then its lights off at quarter to eight

I can tell by the way I wrote this that it was written roughly a year ago, just look at the mess of syllables! Some of my readers will be thinking what am I on about, but I can see it. The scribbles in my notebook suggest I was going to write a well-crafted poem but I must have given up, I don’t know why. It looks like it could have been very clever. For those wondering (any stalker-like readers may remember) I do have a friend who lives in the Middle East which this is based on, fortunately her brother has not been hurt, it is just part of the story!

I don’t want to epitomise the devil
Nor be your knight in shining armour
I can’t even sit here and revel
So this is what they call karma

I honestly can’t remember what I wrote this about, it sounds like I upset a girl though… which doesn’t sound like me at all. I don’t know what I would be sitting and revelling about, and “epitomise” is not a word I would normally use. This rhyme is making me want to create a whole poem from it, so if you see me use the word “epitomise” in a few days you know what I have been doing.

I hear you play your guitar melody
Sense the young wisdom that flows out your mind
Hope to learn how you became heavenly
As well as your faith on love and mankind

This is why I don’t write love poems. Young wisdom? I have never heard that to be a compliment before. The rest of it looks quite good though, and it would make even more sense if you knew who I was writing about. I think I will leave this one here…

We got politicians setting up their religious business
And see they got prophets flying through the roof
It’s all sick and nun on their shoes

Oh man! Politics! We should steer clear of the meaning behind this one. For those wondering, this is actually some rap rhymes instead of poetry I would normally publish on my blog. Prophets through the roof, nun on their shoes, see the clever word play? I remember writing this as I walked through the park, it is not a political park or anything, I guess that is what I think about. When I look through my rhymes I realise how much I hate my own writing, I think I am too critical. I do particularly hate the choice of words in the first line though.

I don’t believe in God but I believe in the devil
Cus you see in terms of evil I’m on the same level
He traps rapists and murderers for eternal damnation
While I batter thug kids for my own recreation

Another rap rhyme! I like the flow of this one, which is important for my raps. There is quite a bit of meaning behind this too. Who is more evil, the man who locks up rapist and murderers, or the man who fights other troubled men? I don’t really know, do you? If I was to seriously use this I would need a stronger word than “batter” too, have Americans even heard this word used before? Do my British readers even know of the word? I’m not sure if it is slang or normal.

Shot by my own ambition

This line stands on its own in my book of rhymes, and I thought it would be a good one to leave on. Shot by my own ambition… it was meant to go in a rap about suicide, but I never finished the rap. You may have guessed by now that I don’t finish a lot of my poems or raps, but I guess that is who I am. I am unfinished work, I am still being written.

So, lovely readers, you have entered my mind through this post. You have seen some unedited work on topics I don’t normally talk about on my blog, I hope you have learnt something about me from this. If you haven’t, you should learn to analysis poorly written poetry by teenagers! Poorly written? I meant amazing! Yeah, I’ve told enough jokes for today. Why don’t you share a rhyme with me? I would love to hear what my readers can come up with off the top of their heads, or from their book of rhymes…

How Hip Hop Helps Beat Depression

Beating depression with hip hop? Surely this cannot be possible, we can cure this strange illness with a couple beats and rhymes? According to research from the Cambridge University (it’s my dream to go there) positive visual imagery and rags-to-riches stories told in hip hop and rap can create a better mental state. I’ll be honest and say just the catchy beats can sometimes make me feel better, but recently I have been listening to some more meaningful hip hop songs and they have made me feel better. Some of the songs I link below have got me through tough times, and I hope they do the same for you.

Vinnie Paz – Is Happiness Just A Word?
According to my sources, this song is about Vinnie Paz’s struggles with Depersonalisation Disorder(DPD). While I can’t confirm this, I know that many people suffering from depression will be able to connect with this song and understand they are not the only one suffering with these problems. This song could easily be about many different mental illnesses. Overall, I just really love this song from a rapper that most people have not heard of.

Nas – If I Ruled The World (Imagine That)
I like Nas, and he is considered one of the greatest rapper to have walked on the face of the Earth. This is the positive visual imagery I was talking about, where Nas imagines a better life for all of the people in the world with him in charge. If I could choose one rapper to be in charge of the world, I’m sure Nas would come to mind (because I don’t think he would kill everyone).

Army of the Pharaohs – Suicide Girl
The last rap verse of this song hit me hard. This song might trigger you so don’t listen to it if you are easily triggered, as there is a lot of talk about self-harm and suicide. But that last verse… oh man, give it a listen. If I could sum up my depression in a verse, it would be that last one. I am seriously thinking about playing that verse to everyone I know. Yeah… I’m probably hyping it up a little too much…

Kendrick Lamar – i
I smile when I look at Kendrick Lamar in this video, this is the happiest song on my list. It is very up-beat as Kendrick talks about loving himself, and the message from this song should be that you should love yourself too! It’s been nominated for a Grammy too, so it’s a recognised hit if you want to stay “down with the kids”.

Tupac – Thugz Mansion
There are two versions to this song, the acoustic version featuring Nas, and the remix version featuring Anthony Hamilton. The acoustic version has got me through I got of tough times, I remember once walking out of my house thinking whether or not to commit suicide (I wasn’t actually going to do it) and I had this song on repeat for two hours. I now know all the words! The remix with Anthony Hamilton has a couple lines which make me go crazy whenever I hear it, “I once contemplated suicide, and woulda tried, but when I held that nine, all I could see was my momma’s eyes”. Note that both were released after Tupac’s death.

Eminem – Lose Yourself
In this day and age you are not allowed to compile a “great rap” list without Eminem on it. I could choose from so many songs, Beautiful, Rock Bottom, but in the end I chose Lose Yourself. Why? It’s a song about being an underdog and getting out into greatest. I don’t know why your depressed, but thinking you could be in a better place will make you feel better…

The Rising Submarine

Days like this I wish I could just end it, I went out today to think about whether I was going to commit suicide but I said I will leave it until tomorrow, until my friend replies to my text. I feel empty. I feel pointless. That’s all I feel, my emotions have been drained by my constant sadness. I will be seeing my doctor again on Wednesday, but I do wonder what the point is. I have seen my regular GP 3 times, and this new doctor once. My mental state hasn’t improved, its got a lot worse. Christmas probably made it worse, don’t get me started on that though.

Click here for the last time I felt like this – it was quite recent.

With whatever emotions I had left I freestyled this poem today. Literally! I spent about 5 minutes writing it, and have not edited it. I haven’t even read through it to make sure everything makes sense, but then my mind does not make sense so I guess my poem will show how I feel. I’m not sure why I refer to submarines either, maybe because I want to lock myself in a submarine and sink to the bottom of the ocean. That would surely put me out of my misery, right?

The Rising Submarine

No feeling,
No emotion,
No comfort,
No purpose,

Feelings like submarines,
Sinking to the bottom, forgotten,
Left for years, rotten,
One day it will rise to the surface,
But still you can’t find the purpose,
Just blasting through the armada,
Missiles, torpedo’s, gunfire,
Trying to stop it just makes it harder,
But one bullet goes astray,
It dodges all strangers and finds its way,
To the one you love,
And you wish you had never floated above,
The surface line,
In time,
You’ll learn to control the monster inside,
Hide it away, locked in chains,
To get there you’ll be prodding brains,
Find what makes them tick,
What makes them fight, what makes them kick,
When you understand the meaning,
Maybe you can control the feeling,
But until the times comes,
The submarine remains forgotten,
You sit there wondering,
If it will ever rise to the surface,
Or if it will stay motionless.

Unusual Methods To Combat Self-Harming [Part 1]

For many people who go through mental illnesses, self-harming is something they will be familiar with. I struggle with self-harming, and many of you reading will also struggle with self-harming. What starts off as an impulse can quickly turn into an addiction, and can lead to further problems. If you have read up on self-harming you may have heard several ways to stop it, such as hanging out with friends or the elastic band method (which sounds cool, but didn’t help me). However, trying some of these methods below in the article could be very useful.

Origami Attempt

My own attempt at origami…

1. Origami
What? Folding paper can stop me from cutting? Well, the third rule of Origami Club is to not cut (damn, I just broke the first two rules by mentioning Origami Club). Origami keeps your hands busy by folding the paper, and your mind busy while you concentrate on the instructions and crazy folds you are doing. As an added bonus you get a little creation to show off at your desk or to your friends. There are many different things to make, just search the internet.
The TickleHead blog has some clever arts and crafts, including a nice origami star made out of money.

Writing A Poem

Is that one of my poems?

2. Writing A Rap Or Poem
You may want to check out these haiku’s I wrote or possibly my first posted sonnet. You may have guessed that I use this method, and even share it with the world through my blog. Writing a poem about your feelings may make you realise that you don’t need to self-harm, or freestyling an awesome rap could make you forget why you started rapping (hint: so you don’t self-harm). It has worked for me! Depending on your attention span you could choose a short poem like one of the haiku’s I wrote, or spend hours creating an epic. You are free to do whatever you want when it comes to poetry and rap.

3. The “I Learnt Random Skills From Youtube” Game
This one is not for those who give up after two minutes, but is actually a pretty interesting idea. Ever wanted to learn how to do the moonwalk? Or how to fold a shirt in 2 seconds? Well, youtube can teach you. Like the origami method this will keep you focused on the task and your body busy (depending on what you are doing). Most skills take practice, but are unbelievably impressive when you learn them. If you are not sure what you want to learn just type in “how to” and lots of different options will come up.

Ice Cubes

That’s the ice cube we are talking about!

4. Holding Ice
Okay, so you might have heard this one before, but some people haven’t. I started using this method since the police took my knife (I mentioned it in my sonnet post, check there if you forgot), and it has helped more than any other way of feeling pain. It is hard to describe unless you have tried it before, I’m not really sure if I would say it hurts actually. Complicated… Just get a small ice cube and hold it in your hand until it has melted. Cutting leaves scars while this method just leaves a little bit of water, and I’m certain some of the water magically vanished!

So now you have four methods of combatting self-harming. They might not all work for everybody, but next time you get the urge just remember what this article has taught you (bookmark it if you are forgetful). Have you tried any of these methods? Or got a secret method of your own? Share in the comments below. Part 2 will be out soon, so follow this blog to get an instant update when it’s published!