10 Reasons Why Blogging Is Good For Me

So I read a post by a fellow blogger, ByLaurenHayley, today about 10 reasons why blogging is good for her. When I read the title of her post I started thinking to myself about how blogging has helped me. I could only think of about 2 reasons at the time but I’ve managed to get 10 reasons, so I thought I would share them all with my amazing readers! Here goes…

1) Everything Makes More Sense
It makes more sense, but still doesn’t make a lot of sense. I can kind of understand some of the things that are making me depressed, even though I had thought about them when my depression started. What originally started my depression is still a mystery, but when I write about my troubles I realise things about my life that I never knew. This is why I encourage everyone to write blogs.

2) I Know I’ve Helped People, Wow!
I won’t reveal this persons identity but once after writing a post about me contacting Samaritans helpline I received a message from someone saying they were suicidal and they wanted to know how to talk to Samaritans. I will never know what would have happened to them if I didn’t reply but I did, we talked about some stuff and later they told me they spoke to Samaritans and it helped them. I’m sure this meant a lot to both of us. Sometimes I wonder who else I have helped.

3) I Know I Have People That Care About Me
Yes, I tend to talk about this frequently on my blog. Oh my parents don’t care, oh my friend doesn’t care, oh my counsellor doesn’t care. I’ll be honest and say I can’t really tell who cares about me in my life (although my friend started texting me again last night) but I know that if I write a post on my blog there will always be someone to reply who cares about me. Thanks guys!

4) It Gives Me A Reason To Wake Up In The Morning
That’s what depression does to you, it tries to pin you down in your home and stop you from ever doing anything again. When we have depression we need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, even if it’s to grab our laptop and write a post.

5) All The Poems I Read…
I follow quite a few poetry blogs, and some totally random ones too, and the talent some people on here have is amazing. I did not read much poetry before starting my blog but I was a big fan of rap so checking out some blogs to see the creative metaphors and rhymes people use was going to be something I would do. I’m glad I have, it’s opened my eyes to some different things.

6) …And I Can Share My Own Too!
I do get people telling me my poems are good. I’m not sure whether everyone is being kind because I can go crazy or whether they actually are great. Either way, I still feel better about myself when I share them with my readers. If I didn’t have a blog no one would ever see my poems (except for one I sent to my friend, and one I had published in a school book).

7) I Learn About Mental Illnesses
I’m no expert on mental illness, I don’t claim to be. I had never heard of borderline personality disorder before I started blogging, I didn’t realise how many people actually suffered from depression, I didn’t know people used ice to stop cutting themselves. I would class myself as intelligent (compared to my friends at least) but there are some things you can’t understand until you’ve spoken to people and experienced it. Blogging has taught me so much about mental illness, from both writing my own blog and reading others.

8) All Those Times I’ve Been Suicidal
There are so many times I’ve almost killed myself (I’m crying to myself now, not sure why), and there have been many times I’ve shared my thoughts on my blog. Whenever this happens all of my readers wake up as the “Depressionless needs a submarine hug” sirens come on. I guess this could fit under point 3 but it is safe to say my readers have probably kept me alive at least one of those times.

9) My Writing Has Improved
I think it has, well, I write differently. Maybe it is because blogging is a different style of writing that I am not used to but how I write now appears to be more relaxed than when I started. Did I just make this up? Possibly, but that’s how I feel. Maybe I feel more relaxed. I’m talking to myself again.

10) I Don’t Know, I Just Love It
I could quit blogging whenever I wanted, but I wont. Why? I love it!

Inside My Book Of Rhymes

My readers know I love poetry. My mood often influences my poetry greatly from my depressed rhymes about cutting and suicide to my excited on-the-edge political verses. Although I often publish unedited poems on my blog, almost all will follow the theme of depression or mental illness. As I ay have mentioned before I carry my book of rhymes with me, so I thought I would share some random rhymes that have come to me in the past. I do not make notes on them so some may have been written months ago and I may not have been completely sane when writing them so do not expect normalness, if that is a word…

“Hey, how are you today”
“Not bad, what about you”
Clearer than the sky to see there’s dismay
Hope this chat doesn’t blow too

“So what you been up to recently”
“Oh just mountains of school work to complete”
Really her little brother who was only just three
Has now been scarred from head to feet

“Did you catch the latest episode of One Man Grenade”
“Oh I think it was really great”
The only thing she watched was the military parade
Then its lights off at quarter to eight

I can tell by the way I wrote this that it was written roughly a year ago, just look at the mess of syllables! Some of my readers will be thinking what am I on about, but I can see it. The scribbles in my notebook suggest I was going to write a well-crafted poem but I must have given up, I don’t know why. It looks like it could have been very clever. For those wondering (any stalker-like readers may remember) I do have a friend who lives in the Middle East which this is based on, fortunately her brother has not been hurt, it is just part of the story!

I don’t want to epitomise the devil
Nor be your knight in shining armour
I can’t even sit here and revel
So this is what they call karma

I honestly can’t remember what I wrote this about, it sounds like I upset a girl though… which doesn’t sound like me at all. I don’t know what I would be sitting and revelling about, and “epitomise” is not a word I would normally use. This rhyme is making me want to create a whole poem from it, so if you see me use the word “epitomise” in a few days you know what I have been doing.

I hear you play your guitar melody
Sense the young wisdom that flows out your mind
Hope to learn how you became heavenly
As well as your faith on love and mankind

This is why I don’t write love poems. Young wisdom? I have never heard that to be a compliment before. The rest of it looks quite good though, and it would make even more sense if you knew who I was writing about. I think I will leave this one here…

We got politicians setting up their religious business
And see they got prophets flying through the roof
It’s all sick and nun on their shoes

Oh man! Politics! We should steer clear of the meaning behind this one. For those wondering, this is actually some rap rhymes instead of poetry I would normally publish on my blog. Prophets through the roof, nun on their shoes, see the clever word play? I remember writing this as I walked through the park, it is not a political park or anything, I guess that is what I think about. When I look through my rhymes I realise how much I hate my own writing, I think I am too critical. I do particularly hate the choice of words in the first line though.

I don’t believe in God but I believe in the devil
Cus you see in terms of evil I’m on the same level
He traps rapists and murderers for eternal damnation
While I batter thug kids for my own recreation

Another rap rhyme! I like the flow of this one, which is important for my raps. There is quite a bit of meaning behind this too. Who is more evil, the man who locks up rapist and murderers, or the man who fights other troubled men? I don’t really know, do you? If I was to seriously use this I would need a stronger word than “batter” too, have Americans even heard this word used before? Do my British readers even know of the word? I’m not sure if it is slang or normal.

Shot by my own ambition

This line stands on its own in my book of rhymes, and I thought it would be a good one to leave on. Shot by my own ambition… it was meant to go in a rap about suicide, but I never finished the rap. You may have guessed by now that I don’t finish a lot of my poems or raps, but I guess that is who I am. I am unfinished work, I am still being written.

So, lovely readers, you have entered my mind through this post. You have seen some unedited work on topics I don’t normally talk about on my blog, I hope you have learnt something about me from this. If you haven’t, you should learn to analysis poorly written poetry by teenagers! Poorly written? I meant amazing! Yeah, I’ve told enough jokes for today. Why don’t you share a rhyme with me? I would love to hear what my readers can come up with off the top of their heads, or from their book of rhymes…

Return of the King

Three days away from my blog to refocus my mind and get my mental health back on track. It has been a strange last couple of days which I can perfectly sum up in some weird and wacky haikus. In short I have seen my last CAMHS counselling session, the results of my blood test, and some interesting news regarding medication. Plus a few extra notes.

Thunder and lightning
Enters the king of writing
Returns to his throne.

The blood test… Well, I went for my blood test on Tuesday but got my results back on Thursday. Apparently it is meant to take a week so I guess my GP sped up my results for me. I was hoping that something would come back with my results, for them to find something wrong with me. I am looking for the reason of my depression, the thing that started everything off, but I can’t seem to find it. A lot of things have happened since my depression started, but I don’t know what started it. I guess anyone else would be happy with the results I got, but when I found out there was nothing too high or too low in my blood, that just made it worse for me.

Tiny disk floating
Holding the key to the cure
Misery without

Counselling? Have I told you that I hate CAMHS? Yeah, probably. So to tell them I don’t want to see them again is great, and that they didn’t want to see me again is even better. The plan was there to have a final meeting in March with CAMHS, my parents, the college counsellor and me, which I am fine with. The meeting would be the last time I see them. But then CAMHS rang my college to tell me they want to see me again, but only for medication. Providing I don’t have to talk to them anymore, I’m happy to see them for medication. Medication should help me… hopefully!

Saint versus dragon
Sword drawn, slashing blood filled hearts
Dragon tears drop, drop…

Recording my mood. I should have really done this earlier. I could guess when I feel the worst, and I can guess how long my depressive state lasts but they are only guesses. This is why I set up a short questionnaire I can fill in every hour or two on my phone asking me how my mood is, and I after a few days I can sit on my laptop and analyse the data. So far I have been doing it for about 24 hours, and this day was one of constant mood swings overshadowed by my depression. I’m now questioning myself whether most days are like this, but I just notice the depression as that stands out the most. I don’t know, which is exactly why I am tracking my mood. I will post more information on this at a later date, when I have more data to analyse.

Up, down and sideways
The blindfolded passenger
On mood swing express…

On a totally unrelated note, I am creating a computer game. I may have mentioned before that I really like computers, and that I love to program. I noticed a UK competition for under 18’s, where you have to create your own computer game. I have until the start of June to complete my project, but I want to focus on it now before the serious exam revision starts. You won’t get updates on this unless it makes me suicidal (how would that happen?) or the game becomes depressing (I hope not…), but its nice for my readers to learn something about me.

Have you ever tried
to write a haiku but then
your mind just goes blank?

I know there is a lot more I want to say, I just cannot think of it right now. Maybe it will be posted tomorrow, or maybe I have a poem stored up to unleash havoc on the simple minds of some of my readers (simple? I meant beautiful). I might disappear for another three days… Who knows?

Rhymes and Art and Pages, Oh My!

I can sum this whole update up in one short list; book of rhymes, mental health art auction, pages, poetry, classiness. Yeah, you should be interested now. Read below to find out on everything from helping charities to my attempts of blog positivity!

Book of Rhymes
I’m probably not actually going to call it Book of Rhymes… But yeah, I am writing some poems to create a book! I’m not dedicating time to this as I write better when I let the thoughts come to me instead of forcing myself to write something, which is why I am carrying my “Book of Rhymes” (a notepad) with me wherever I go. I doubt I will get it published into a book, which ruins one of my blogging resolutions, since I have no work published before but I will at least create some sort of ebook, which would be a lot cheaper for everyone (maybe free, I don’t know). Stay tuned!

The Mental Health Art Auction
You all need to go and check this out right now, and sign up. The great blog ByLaurenHayley is doing an art auction in August to raise awareness of mental health, and raise money for mental health charities in various countries. Her own words are “the auction was going to just feature the one piece of art that I am creating, however – as more and more bloggers come on board, offers of donations are rolling in and therefore it looks like the auction may be much bigger than we originally anticipated” so lets get as many people involved as possible. Click here to go to her latest post about the auction.

More Pages
My “Suicidal, What To Do” page has received quite a lot of views since I created it which hopefully means it has helped some people out. I have just created another page with suicidal helplines for various countries across the world, mostly from countries that visit by blog a lot at the moment. So if you need to give someone a helpline number it will hopefully be on this page, or you can just link them the whole page! I will be adding a few more pages to this site soon, possibly some related to general mental health advice. If you want to suggest anything feel free, but otherwise keep a look out.

Sick of Poetry?
I’m not! I missed poetry out of my blog for a couple of weeks but I’ll be rolling it back in as I feel it is the best way I can make this blog more positive. My suicidal thoughts and feelings have dominated the posts over the past few weeks but they seem to be clearing (lets hope so anyway). Blog positivity incoming!

Anything Else?
Yeah… stay classy!

Let The Blossom Tree Grow

CherryBlossomsI must admit I have been slipping in and out of that depressed state I was in when I took the overdose. But I told myself today, I will either publish a happy post or I wont publish at all. I wanted to write a poem, something that wont only make me happy but make all of my readers happy too. Well, I don’t know how to make you happy but I do hope the poem I wrote today will make you think, and give you hope if you have none.

Let The Blossom Tree Grow
Have you heard the story of the blossom tree?
An outcast seed is where it began,
And no one spoke of what it would be,
No one said how its life would pan,

Have you seen the storms it faced?
The brutish winds and the deadly rain,
But the earth you walk it chose to grace,
For one more breath it will suffer the pain,

Have you felt the bark it had?
An ugly stump blocking the view,
It must be killed as we destroy the bad,
Don’t let it grow whatever you do,

Do you know what happened after?
That old lump of wood blossomed out,
To a beauty of nature we all concur,
The brightest one without a doubt,

So why did you try to stop the blossom tree?
Why did you try to make it look weak?
It can choose to be what it wants to be,
After all, we’re all unique

It took me a while to write, since I have been in and out of that depressed state all day. Personally it feels like an unfinished piece of work, I did not edit it as much as I would have wanted. But I know my readers will love it. We already have some of you giving me “submarine hugs“, will you now be telling me to grow like a blossom tree? I do hope you choose to grow like a blossom tree too, storms fade!

Happy Haiku Saturday: Haikus 1-15

So I have managed the first fifteen haikus. This is going to be a long day… Enjoy them, I cannot say they are all perfect but I have a time limit. Only 85 to go! Yeah, that’s nothing, but I better stop writing this and start writing more haikus.

Post Number 1: The Birth of the Panda
Welcome to the world
of blogging, Do random things
like write bad haikus…
Click to read the full post

Blue…
Beautiful photo,
Many shades all together,
And hope behind clouds.
Click to read the full post

#Haiku a Day (No. 096)
Attempting is tough,
Planning is complicated,
But both rewarding
Click to read the full post

Serenity
Such beauty is rare,
Peaceful hills for peaceful men,
Never reach the bottom
Click to read the full post

Writing Helps
Wow, so you just quit,
But living miserably,
Isn’t how to live.
Click to read the full post

Parkrun Parkrun Parkrun Fun. Part 1.
Oh yeah! Parkrun time!
I’m depressed so taking time
off my usual runs.
Click to read the full post

Waves
The storms and monsters
invade the beach, but after
the calm water shines.
Click to read the full post

Suicidal Thoughts?
The world is open
with chances, don’t leave until
all have been explored
Click to read the full post

My Strength
Ink on paper
opens the world greater than
sun behind the clouds
Click to read the full post

In Case You Need A Little Lift
When you reach the stars
there will always be one more
to keep exploring
Click to read the full post

Perfect Palaces
Alliteration,
Awesome and amazing art,
Although annoying
Click to read the full post

Recycled Haiku
Recycling is good,
But why not turn an artwork
To a masterpiece?
Click to read the full post

My Birthday. Yay?
With age comes wisdom
But at least you have beauty
At such a young age
Click to read the full post

Week One on Curieuse Island
Dream big, live bigger,
on the island of nature,
where toilets don’t flush…
Click to read the full post

A friendship can only go so far, but boyfriend sounds so elementary.
Love is very strange,
No matter how much you look,
It sneaks up behind.
Click to read the full post