Inside My Book Of Rhymes

My readers know I love poetry. My mood often influences my poetry greatly from my depressed rhymes about cutting and suicide to my excited on-the-edge political verses. Although I often publish unedited poems on my blog, almost all will follow the theme of depression or mental illness. As I ay have mentioned before I carry my book of rhymes with me, so I thought I would share some random rhymes that have come to me in the past. I do not make notes on them so some may have been written months ago and I may not have been completely sane when writing them so do not expect normalness, if that is a word…

“Hey, how are you today”
“Not bad, what about you”
Clearer than the sky to see there’s dismay
Hope this chat doesn’t blow too

“So what you been up to recently”
“Oh just mountains of school work to complete”
Really her little brother who was only just three
Has now been scarred from head to feet

“Did you catch the latest episode of One Man Grenade”
“Oh I think it was really great”
The only thing she watched was the military parade
Then its lights off at quarter to eight

I can tell by the way I wrote this that it was written roughly a year ago, just look at the mess of syllables! Some of my readers will be thinking what am I on about, but I can see it. The scribbles in my notebook suggest I was going to write a well-crafted poem but I must have given up, I don’t know why. It looks like it could have been very clever. For those wondering (any stalker-like readers may remember) I do have a friend who lives in the Middle East which this is based on, fortunately her brother has not been hurt, it is just part of the story!

I don’t want to epitomise the devil
Nor be your knight in shining armour
I can’t even sit here and revel
So this is what they call karma

I honestly can’t remember what I wrote this about, it sounds like I upset a girl though… which doesn’t sound like me at all. I don’t know what I would be sitting and revelling about, and “epitomise” is not a word I would normally use. This rhyme is making me want to create a whole poem from it, so if you see me use the word “epitomise” in a few days you know what I have been doing.

I hear you play your guitar melody
Sense the young wisdom that flows out your mind
Hope to learn how you became heavenly
As well as your faith on love and mankind

This is why I don’t write love poems. Young wisdom? I have never heard that to be a compliment before. The rest of it looks quite good though, and it would make even more sense if you knew who I was writing about. I think I will leave this one here…

We got politicians setting up their religious business
And see they got prophets flying through the roof
It’s all sick and nun on their shoes

Oh man! Politics! We should steer clear of the meaning behind this one. For those wondering, this is actually some rap rhymes instead of poetry I would normally publish on my blog. Prophets through the roof, nun on their shoes, see the clever word play? I remember writing this as I walked through the park, it is not a political park or anything, I guess that is what I think about. When I look through my rhymes I realise how much I hate my own writing, I think I am too critical. I do particularly hate the choice of words in the first line though.

I don’t believe in God but I believe in the devil
Cus you see in terms of evil I’m on the same level
He traps rapists and murderers for eternal damnation
While I batter thug kids for my own recreation

Another rap rhyme! I like the flow of this one, which is important for my raps. There is quite a bit of meaning behind this too. Who is more evil, the man who locks up rapist and murderers, or the man who fights other troubled men? I don’t really know, do you? If I was to seriously use this I would need a stronger word than “batter” too, have Americans even heard this word used before? Do my British readers even know of the word? I’m not sure if it is slang or normal.

Shot by my own ambition

This line stands on its own in my book of rhymes, and I thought it would be a good one to leave on. Shot by my own ambition… it was meant to go in a rap about suicide, but I never finished the rap. You may have guessed by now that I don’t finish a lot of my poems or raps, but I guess that is who I am. I am unfinished work, I am still being written.

So, lovely readers, you have entered my mind through this post. You have seen some unedited work on topics I don’t normally talk about on my blog, I hope you have learnt something about me from this. If you haven’t, you should learn to analysis poorly written poetry by teenagers! Poorly written? I meant amazing! Yeah, I’ve told enough jokes for today. Why don’t you share a rhyme with me? I would love to hear what my readers can come up with off the top of their heads, or from their book of rhymes…

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Return of the King

Three days away from my blog to refocus my mind and get my mental health back on track. It has been a strange last couple of days which I can perfectly sum up in some weird and wacky haikus. In short I have seen my last CAMHS counselling session, the results of my blood test, and some interesting news regarding medication. Plus a few extra notes.

Thunder and lightning
Enters the king of writing
Returns to his throne.

The blood test… Well, I went for my blood test on Tuesday but got my results back on Thursday. Apparently it is meant to take a week so I guess my GP sped up my results for me. I was hoping that something would come back with my results, for them to find something wrong with me. I am looking for the reason of my depression, the thing that started everything off, but I can’t seem to find it. A lot of things have happened since my depression started, but I don’t know what started it. I guess anyone else would be happy with the results I got, but when I found out there was nothing too high or too low in my blood, that just made it worse for me.

Tiny disk floating
Holding the key to the cure
Misery without

Counselling? Have I told you that I hate CAMHS? Yeah, probably. So to tell them I don’t want to see them again is great, and that they didn’t want to see me again is even better. The plan was there to have a final meeting in March with CAMHS, my parents, the college counsellor and me, which I am fine with. The meeting would be the last time I see them. But then CAMHS rang my college to tell me they want to see me again, but only for medication. Providing I don’t have to talk to them anymore, I’m happy to see them for medication. Medication should help me… hopefully!

Saint versus dragon
Sword drawn, slashing blood filled hearts
Dragon tears drop, drop…

Recording my mood. I should have really done this earlier. I could guess when I feel the worst, and I can guess how long my depressive state lasts but they are only guesses. This is why I set up a short questionnaire I can fill in every hour or two on my phone asking me how my mood is, and I after a few days I can sit on my laptop and analyse the data. So far I have been doing it for about 24 hours, and this day was one of constant mood swings overshadowed by my depression. I’m now questioning myself whether most days are like this, but I just notice the depression as that stands out the most. I don’t know, which is exactly why I am tracking my mood. I will post more information on this at a later date, when I have more data to analyse.

Up, down and sideways
The blindfolded passenger
On mood swing express…

On a totally unrelated note, I am creating a computer game. I may have mentioned before that I really like computers, and that I love to program. I noticed a UK competition for under 18’s, where you have to create your own computer game. I have until the start of June to complete my project, but I want to focus on it now before the serious exam revision starts. You won’t get updates on this unless it makes me suicidal (how would that happen?) or the game becomes depressing (I hope not…), but its nice for my readers to learn something about me.

Have you ever tried
to write a haiku but then
your mind just goes blank?

I know there is a lot more I want to say, I just cannot think of it right now. Maybe it will be posted tomorrow, or maybe I have a poem stored up to unleash havoc on the simple minds of some of my readers (simple? I meant beautiful). I might disappear for another three days… Who knows?

Let The Blossom Tree Grow

CherryBlossomsI must admit I have been slipping in and out of that depressed state I was in when I took the overdose. But I told myself today, I will either publish a happy post or I wont publish at all. I wanted to write a poem, something that wont only make me happy but make all of my readers happy too. Well, I don’t know how to make you happy but I do hope the poem I wrote today will make you think, and give you hope if you have none.

Let The Blossom Tree Grow
Have you heard the story of the blossom tree?
An outcast seed is where it began,
And no one spoke of what it would be,
No one said how its life would pan,

Have you seen the storms it faced?
The brutish winds and the deadly rain,
But the earth you walk it chose to grace,
For one more breath it will suffer the pain,

Have you felt the bark it had?
An ugly stump blocking the view,
It must be killed as we destroy the bad,
Don’t let it grow whatever you do,

Do you know what happened after?
That old lump of wood blossomed out,
To a beauty of nature we all concur,
The brightest one without a doubt,

So why did you try to stop the blossom tree?
Why did you try to make it look weak?
It can choose to be what it wants to be,
After all, we’re all unique

It took me a while to write, since I have been in and out of that depressed state all day. Personally it feels like an unfinished piece of work, I did not edit it as much as I would have wanted. But I know my readers will love it. We already have some of you giving me “submarine hugs“, will you now be telling me to grow like a blossom tree? I do hope you choose to grow like a blossom tree too, storms fade!

Happy Haiku Saturday: Haikus 1-15

So I have managed the first fifteen haikus. This is going to be a long day… Enjoy them, I cannot say they are all perfect but I have a time limit. Only 85 to go! Yeah, that’s nothing, but I better stop writing this and start writing more haikus.

Post Number 1: The Birth of the Panda
Welcome to the world
of blogging, Do random things
like write bad haikus…
Click to read the full post

Blue…
Beautiful photo,
Many shades all together,
And hope behind clouds.
Click to read the full post

#Haiku a Day (No. 096)
Attempting is tough,
Planning is complicated,
But both rewarding
Click to read the full post

Serenity
Such beauty is rare,
Peaceful hills for peaceful men,
Never reach the bottom
Click to read the full post

Writing Helps
Wow, so you just quit,
But living miserably,
Isn’t how to live.
Click to read the full post

Parkrun Parkrun Parkrun Fun. Part 1.
Oh yeah! Parkrun time!
I’m depressed so taking time
off my usual runs.
Click to read the full post

Waves
The storms and monsters
invade the beach, but after
the calm water shines.
Click to read the full post

Suicidal Thoughts?
The world is open
with chances, don’t leave until
all have been explored
Click to read the full post

My Strength
Ink on paper
opens the world greater than
sun behind the clouds
Click to read the full post

In Case You Need A Little Lift
When you reach the stars
there will always be one more
to keep exploring
Click to read the full post

Perfect Palaces
Alliteration,
Awesome and amazing art,
Although annoying
Click to read the full post

Recycled Haiku
Recycling is good,
But why not turn an artwork
To a masterpiece?
Click to read the full post

My Birthday. Yay?
With age comes wisdom
But at least you have beauty
At such a young age
Click to read the full post

Week One on Curieuse Island
Dream big, live bigger,
on the island of nature,
where toilets don’t flush…
Click to read the full post

A friendship can only go so far, but boyfriend sounds so elementary.
Love is very strange,
No matter how much you look,
It sneaks up behind.
Click to read the full post

Happy Haiku Saturday – The Beginning

Happy Haiku Saturday is coming near. Hey Depressionless, you are depressed, stop making a happy day dedicated to haikus. Well, guys, I don’t care what you think, I just want to sit at my laptop all day thinking of random haikus that people wont read. So that is why I created Happy Haiku Saturday…

What Is Happy Haiku Saturday?
Happy Haiku Saturday is a day where I try to respond to 100 blog posts with haikus, usually as comments on the blogs. The comments would be normal comments that people would leave but in the form of a haiku (which will mean many strange and crazy haiku’s will be made). All of the blogs responded to, and the haikus used to respond, will be posted on my blog (probably 10-20 per post because you don’t want me spamming 100 posts on my blog in a day).

Why Are You Doing Happy Haiku Saturday?
There are a few reasons. Firstly, I have nothing to do on Saturday so I thought I may as well challenge myself to something hard. Secondly, I have been cutting myself more regularly and deeper so I need a distraction to keep myself cut-free. Thirdly, it means I have a reason to read and share so many good blog posts.

Which Posts Will You Comment On? Can You Comment On Mine?
Any good post I find. Many of them will be related to mental health (because that is what my blog is about) but I will look at other posts on a variety of topics. If you want me to comment a haiku on your post (which means I will also link to your post in one of my posts) just leave the link in a comment on this post, or use my contact page.

What Will Happen When You Reach 100 Haikus?
I will probably faint… Seriously, this challenge will take all day. If I read posts quickly and find one to respond to in 3 minutes, then take another minute to create a haiku that’s 4 minutes per haiku. With 100 haikus to do, it could take 400 minutes. Plus I will have to do my own blog posts to tell you guys about my haikus, and that could be another 20 minutes per post. Presuming that there will be 6 posts that will add another 120 minutes on. This means I will be dedicating 520 minutes (8 hours, 40 minutes) to Happy Haiku Saturday. And I have probably underestimated everything, so don’t even expect me to finish.

Why Haikus?
Haikus are quite short,
They are so easy to create,
Plus some are funny…

I Want To Write Haikus Too!
Well go on then. And let me know so I can respond with my own haiku, we might even have a haiku battle (like a rap battle, but with haikus). I love haikus, and you should too!

When Insomnia Writes Haiku’s

Hey Depressionless, didn’t you promise us a poem? Yeah I did, but I’ve realised that my good day has gone and my depression is going to hurt me a lot more over the next few days. Okay, so I’ll slip a few haiku’s into this post. I am writing all of this at 1am while severely depressed so dont expect a lot.

Yawn! Head slowly drops
as eyes flicker to open
to the bright new day

Me right now...

Me right now…

What? What did I just write? I’ll regret all of this when I wake up tomorrow. Actually I don’t plan on sleeping so it will be when I wake up on Tuesday. I think I’m in this situation because my friend text me to say they will meet up, but I received another text about a day later saying they won’t meet me. They know my depression is getting worse but I didn’t mention my suicidal thoughts were bad. Well, they better have a good excuse because if I’m honest my depression is as bad as it can get. I don’t tend to tell people how bad it is because I don’t want to worry them.

Misty mind clouded
by thunder as rain drops fall
onto frowning man

The lonely duck
floats the least peaceful as he
finds the lonely shore

Either my tiredness has created genius poetry, or I cannot understand what I’m writing because I’m too tired. It may be only 1am but depression can seriously drain the energy out of you. I’ve been in this situation before but I managed to get asleep. Shall we look at my exciting week ahead?

Happiness is found
in boxes and boxes of junk,
but junk is treasure?

While someone finds a literary analyser to see if that made sense, I’ll tell you about next (this) week. Monday, well nothing really now my friend wont meet me. Tuesday? My first CAMHS counselling session, wow, I have a feeling that will make me feel even worse. Wednesday, a very short day of college where I plan to write more of my book afterwards. Thursday, I’ll see my GP and tell them how much I hated my counselling. Friday I’ll hopefully try to see my friend unless they decide I’m not important. And the weekend I’ll continue writing while watching the endless football on TV.

Never surrender
to the silence or dream-state
you enter at night

Yes, I am telling myself to stay awake through the night. Will I even bother turning up to college tomorrow? I will not pay attention or learn anything, I really enjoy my subjects but this depression is winning the battle at the moment. Pulling an all-nighter does stop you learning the following day. I might actually go to maths just to fall asleep.

Learn of life and love
when living the life of love
as you love your life

I think we shall stop there, as I feel the next haiku will be random letters as my face smashes the keyboard. Oh well, I’ll try to do a real post if I have the energy tomorrow (today). You have now seen one of my freestyle poems, and this post shows my haiku’s written while tired. Yeah, I can’t improve them while I tired so you could just say I freestyled these too. I can’t even think about them. Can you readers think for me, what do you think?