Let The Blossom Tree Grow

CherryBlossomsI must admit I have been slipping in and out of that depressed state I was in when I took the overdose. But I told myself today, I will either publish a happy post or I wont publish at all. I wanted to write a poem, something that wont only make me happy but make all of my readers happy too. Well, I don’t know how to make you happy but I do hope the poem I wrote today will make you think, and give you hope if you have none.

Let The Blossom Tree Grow
Have you heard the story of the blossom tree?
An outcast seed is where it began,
And no one spoke of what it would be,
No one said how its life would pan,

Have you seen the storms it faced?
The brutish winds and the deadly rain,
But the earth you walk it chose to grace,
For one more breath it will suffer the pain,

Have you felt the bark it had?
An ugly stump blocking the view,
It must be killed as we destroy the bad,
Don’t let it grow whatever you do,

Do you know what happened after?
That old lump of wood blossomed out,
To a beauty of nature we all concur,
The brightest one without a doubt,

So why did you try to stop the blossom tree?
Why did you try to make it look weak?
It can choose to be what it wants to be,
After all, we’re all unique

It took me a while to write, since I have been in and out of that depressed state all day. Personally it feels like an unfinished piece of work, I did not edit it as much as I would have wanted. But I know my readers will love it. We already have some of you giving me “submarine hugs“, will you now be telling me to grow like a blossom tree? I do hope you choose to grow like a blossom tree too, storms fade!

First Hug February

I’ve never had a hug… never… this is so sad right? Well, yeah, I’m 17 so I should have had a hug by now. But no, that’s why next month I am going to try and get a hug, my first ever hug. But first…

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

BFMH2015

So I am joining the Blog For Mental Health Project, I saw the project last year when I started blogging but the year was almost over so I thought I would wait until the 2015 project started. And here it is! Everyone who reads my blog knows I struggle with my mental health everyday, but I also like to share my experiences and help others which is what I hope I can do through this project. So I am participating, and I hope you do too! Click here to read more about Blog For Mental Health 2015!

I Will Try To Get My First Hug
Next month will be called First Hug February. As you may remember from one of my previous posts, I have never had a hug. As a 17 year old guy (somebody thought I was a girl, why?) it seems strange to me that I’ve never had a hug. I know there is a stereotype that guys can’t show emotions but I really want to know what it feels like.

I spent an hour and a half crying yesterday because I was thinking about never being hugged. This was while I was alone at night, in my bed. After about 30 minutes I started to search on the internet what it feels like to be hugged, and it made me want a hug even more. I then went on Youtube and searched how to hug so I could prepare for the day it happens!

Honestly, I’m not exactly sure how you hug someone. Do you just put your arms around them? I’m worried that I might do it wrong, I don’t have the experience that everyone else has. I’m also worrying how long do I hug someone for? I want to hug someone for a couple hours so I can make up for the time I missed. I hugged my pillow last night for at least half an hour, but I don’t think I can do that to a person.

So... this is how you hug...

So… this is how you hug…

I’ve decided that I might hug my friend (the friend who knows about my depression) if I see them on Monday. They are a girl so I don’t want to make things awkward, but I can’t imagine hugging any guys that I know. I’m not sure whether to tell them before that I’ve never been hugged because I’ll probably start crying when I hug them which will make things even more awkward, I presume. As you can tell, I am worrying a lot about this. It never bothered me before my depression started, but now I really want a hug. My other option is to hug a random stranger… but they might get angry at me…

Anyway, as you can see I have thought about this for a long time. I want to have my first hug, I really do! What should I do? Readers, I need some hugging advice, help me hug! And yeah, I know I’m overthinking all of this but it means so much to me, you probably don’t understand. If you know someone with depression, give them a hug, I hope my friend reads this. When I get my hug I will tell you as it will be the happiest I have ever been…

The Anti-Depression Mystic Flowing Through The Air

Before I started to suffer from depression I would dream of the many things I would do when I was older; speak various languages, become famous, fall in love, run marathons, travel the world (with the person I fall in love with). Now that I suffer from depression I often feel like I will never achieve those things, although I will sometimes get a random boost of energy which makes me do random things. Depressed people don’t stay depressed for every second of every day, and believe it or not we do regular activities. Here are some of the things I do when I get the anti-depression mystic energy.

Go For Walks – To Nowhere
I went for walks before I was depressed, not very often I will admit, but they usually had a purpose. While I have had depression I have sometimes just left the house to go for a walk. This helps me clear my mind and focus on the thoughts I need to focus on, but also give me fresh air to feel better. I can’t go for walks while I am suffering from my severe episodes of depression, but I can when it feels moderate or mild. You should try this too!

I took this picture on one of my walks, just for my readers.

I took this picture on one of my walks, just for my readers.

Learn Spanish (and Mandarin, Arabic, Hebrew…)
I started learning Spanish a couple of months before I started to feel depressed. I love the culture of the Caribbean, and I feel that if I know both English and Spanish I will be able to explore the culture greatly when I’m older. My depression has stopped me learning Spanish every day, but I still try to keep up with it. However before I started to learn Spanish, I wanted to learn Mandarin. I cannot speak Mandarin but I know basic phrases, and I have a pocketbook to look at if I ever want to embarrass myself in front of natives. Arabic and Hebrew? One of my friends speaks Arabic, one of my friends speaks Hebrew, I would love to learn these languages just to speak to them in their own languages.

Write My Book
I just made this saying up right now; when I’m sad I write my book, when I’m depressed I write my blog. I don’t see that becoming a famous quote used by scholars for the next five centuries, but it explains how I feel. I’ve always wanted to write a book, but it is hard when you have no experiences to write about. My depression has now given me experiences to write about, and I am writing a fiction book with a depressed character in it (oh, I can’t spoil everything for you yet).

I dream of a brighter future...

I dream of a brighter future…

Dream Of A Successful Blog
I do need that mystic anti-depression energy to do this. I always imagine my blog being very successful, helping thousands of people and getting thousands of views every day. I guess that’s why I post on here so often. There is nothing wrong with a dream, right?

Well, that energy allows me to still do things I used to enjoy before I was depressed. My point is that even if you are depressed, there will always be a few times when you can enjoy yourself and be happy. Depression doesn’t make you sad forever, so don’t allow yourself to be. I know I’m not the only one so when you get that anti-depression mystic energy, what do you do?

Just One Reason To Be Happy

I’ve had bad days, you’ve had bad days. When you suffer from depression (and most mental illnesses) these bad days seem to come more often and stay a lot longer than we would hope. I’ve been hiding a little secret from my blog readers, and I’ve needed a good day to come. Well, we all need a good day but I’ve been praying to a god that I don’t believe in. If this good day didn’t come who knows what would have happened.

Flowers are happy, right?

Flowers are happy, right?

Admission time first. Over the past week my depression has been getting worse again. Those who read my blog are probably thinking how can it get worse, just a month ago I was talking about wanting to kill myself. Well, I was getting better since then but over the past week it has started to get worse. I have been in contact with Samaritans (amazing charity for suicide help and more, they have email contact as well as a UK phone number) due to my suicidal thoughts getting worse again. I had everything planned out again, it was all planned for next Monday (I always pick Monday, I haven’t figured that out yet). I did not want to worry my readers, I know you all care about me so much and I don’t want to mess with your emotions as much as I already do. The depression is affecting my mind greatly, I would give anything to make it stop.

Click for the “To Kill Or Not To Kill” post referenced above.

And that is why I needed a day like today. In the morning I thought to myself, what do I have to look forward to? Well, I could continue writing my book (watch this space!) or maybe do something for my blog. I had no plans really, and nothing to enjoy. I woke up thinking this would be a day to give me more reason to die, I wasn’t going to see anyone, and nobody wanted to see me.

Early afternoon me and my dad went to watch my favourite team play, Leicester City. What is special about this? Well firstly, me and my dad do not talk to each other. Since my depression hit the most he has said to me is “do the washing up” while the most I’ve said to him is “okay”. We didn’t exactly recite the works of Shakespeare to each other today but we spent some time together. What’s better? Leicester won! It may have been a cup game but we are bottom of the league (which doesn’t help my depression) and our team could do with some confidence. To my non-UK readers, hang in there, we will stop with the football talk now.

Ok, great day Depressionless, is that all? No! After the game my friend sent me a text. The text is obviously private but we are meeting up on Monday to have a chat. I haven’t actually talked to them since my depression started getting worse again, so I’m prepared for tears and shock. They know about my depression and I’m sure they care about me (my depression disagrees with that). This day is going great.

Happy poem time! Click here for one of my “happier” poems.

Wow, Depressionless, you are having an amazing day, any more news? Not yet but this day could have anything in it. I got 79 blog views yesterday, and if I beat that today I might declare this the best day of my life so far. My mum made some homemade pizza today, and I’ll probably write another 1000 words for my book. I’ve said it many times, and I’ll say it again, great day!

Why do you care? A random stranger is telling you about his amazing day, how does that affect you? What I am trying to tell you is that good days can come when you are not expecting them. I’m not good at following my own advice but hang in there and remember your good day will come soon too, I am sure of it. Never give up hope! The bad days are what make the good days great!

P.S. There was going to be a poem today, but this was much more interesting. Poem tomorrow unless something important comes up. Also, sorry for lack of images…

Delusional: Help! Another Bug Under My Skin!

One bug in my hand, I could deal with that after days thinking I was turning crazy. But when this bug returns, I wonder what is going on with my life! This bug is imaginary (it doesn’t seem like it at the time – but when I’m sane I realise this) which probably makes everything worse. It could appear at any time, when I’m eating my dinner, when I’m playing football, or when I’m on my laptop. I can’t predict when it will appear, so I’m not exactly sure how to stop it.

Was this the bug?

Was this the bug?

Well, it has only happened twice. Both times I had a strange feeling I should write about it afterwards. I was not sure whether to share this episode because I don’t want my blog to become too depressing (it’s about depression, I’m not sure what I expected), but I know everyone will be interested in what happened. Here you go…

The return of the bug! And this time with sound effects! I am not sure when this episode started, I think it was just after 11:30am while I was on my laptop. Suddenly I could feel something on the inside of my right arm above the joint. My mind was telling me there might be a bug under my skin again, but this time I decided to argue with myself. It wasn’t really an argument but every 30 seconds my mind changed from “there might be a bug, cut yourself open and check” to “there isn’t really a bug, you’re just tricking yourself”. After a few minutes I decided to cut my arm, it did not hurt and it was easy to cut. No surprise, no bug. My mind was now telling me the bug had moved to my forearm despite there being no strange feeling there. There were white marks which I recognised was probably dead skin but at the same time I thought the bug may have left it. I tried to cut open my forearm but it would not bleed. Then after a few more minutes of rubbing the knife against my skin I told myself I could get rid of the bug by putting both of my arms under the tap. I left the knife in my room and walked to the bathroom, and put my arms under the tap. I was a bit calmer so walked back to my bedroom. The time on my phone was 11:52am. Then came the terrifying part. I could hear scratching in the walls, from several different places high up the wall. My heart began to beat faster. I just walked out my room and downstairs. I estimate the episode lasted roughly 15 minutes, slightly longer than last time. This one I was not rocking as much, and I was able to try and stop myself which I could not do last time. However I did hear something. It may have been rats but I highly doubt it. Hopefully it does not happen again!

Click here to read about the first time a bug “appeared” in my hand.

Fortunately this time I kind of knew it wasn’t real. Well I thought it was real. But also I knew it wasn’t. I’m starting to think I have two minds, my regular mind and my depression mind. I am figuring out how to control my depression mind still, I guess this episode shows I am making progress, even if I did cut myself. Does anyone know exactly what I am experiencing? I call it a delusion but I’m not so sure. Maybe you have experienced something similar, anyone?

Delusional: Cut This Bug Out Of My Hand

Upon reading the title you would probably think I was going mad. Or maybe “cut”, “bug” and “hand” are the new words that the gangsters use on the streets of England. You wouldn’t believe there actually was a bug in my hand, would you? You don’t casually find insects in your hand, so when I had a funny feeling in my hand why was that what I decided had happened?

In my months of depression (I’m still confident it is just depression) I have never had a feeling like I did last night. It was complete madness. Fortunately for you readers, I wrote down my experience (I wrote it for my doctor so there is no fancy edits or words) not long after it happened. Below you can read exactly what I wrote:

It started just before 9pm, after I finished watching Men in Black 3 on TV. It felt as if there were a bug or creature under the skin on the back of my left hand. I could not see anything moving or hear it, but I just felt it there. In my mind I kept repeating “Get out my hand” and “I need to cut it out” so I cut the back of my hand until it bled. It felt as if the bug had left. A few minutes later it felt as if it reappeared further up the back of my hand, then in the side of my middle finger, then in the palm of my hand just under the middle finger. It did not actually move, but disappear and reappear in the new location. Each time I tried to cut it out but my skin did not bleed so it failed. I managed to cut myself on the palm. A few seconds later my palm was hurting a lot, more than when I cut my arms, and the bug had left my left hand. This whole episode lasted for about 10 minutes, and I was knelt on my bed the whole time either slowly rocking or trying to cut my hand. Roughly 10 minutes after it had finished I went downstairs to get something to eat. I decided there was nothing in my hand, even though it felt as if there were at the time. This had never happened before, and I find it very unusual. The bug has not returned, and I have not seen or heard anything unusual during or since. Now I think about it, the bug was probably an itch.

So I want to point something out about this. I find it very strange that as soon as it finished I was able to just get up and go downstairs. I’m not exactly sure what was going through my mind once the episode finished, but I can’t believe my mind could change from delusional to calm in a couple of seconds. I wouldn’t even call that part of having depression. Maybe there is a type of depression I don’t know about, or maybe I need to tell my doctor so they can list several more problems with me.

Now what I have to think about is whether to tell the doctor. I will see the doctor on Christmas Eve. If they think I am crazy or I am going to harm myself even more (if I have more of these delusions) they might make me stay in hospital over Christmas. That is unlikely to happen but I don’t want to take the risk. If I tell them I might get better, I might end up in hospital, both might happen or neither. I know I am not going to be happy on Christmas but that would surely ruin it. If this is a one off episode, I should be fine, but if it continues to happen it will only get worse. Have you had any experiences like mine? Share in the comments below.

Summer Ends But You’re As Warm As Ever

Depressing post or happy post? As I write it I have no idea, I’m even sure whether my poem is depressing or happy. My past few days have been up and down (and so the college counsellor keeps telling me), I am struggling to not self-harm, I also find it difficult sometimes to go the college and stay there for the whole day. I just walked out in the morning yesterday, but today I did manage to stay all day. It definitely doesn’t help when people start to question your absence, I haven’t thought of my excuse properly yet, I just say I’m ill. I guess that’s what everyone does, right? Fake smiling throughout the day makes everything more believable too. There was only one good reason to smile today, but even that didn’t end as I hoped…

Summer Ends But You’re As Warm As Ever
Summer ends but you’re as warm as ever
Glowing greater than a thousand fireflies
And for you beauty is no endeavour
Gentle radiant hair is no surprise

Sunflowers turn to have a second glance
Admiration of nature, beautiful
Great macaws sing to have a single chance
To hear an angels voice soft and youthful

But when you walk past my heart breaks to two
Am I now your old ghost of Christmas past
The seconds we spent were all far and few
Can we try again, this time make it last

I wish I could stop a moment of time
And whisper three words to make you all mine

They might never know how I feel about them, even after my many failed attempts to get the words out of my mouth. “My weekend was alright” is not how I feel about them, and neither is “ahh, so you have a test”. One day, maybe…