Loneliness Hurts!

Have you ever been lonely? I don’t mean being alone as that is something different, feeling lonely in my opinion is much worse. It is the negative side of being alone, but also something that can occur when you are surrounded with people. Loneliness is the thing that makes me cry every time I go to sleep. It’s something I wish I didn’t have to feel, but something I know I will feel tomorrow and the day after no matter how hard I try.

Today I had an exam, it was my third exam out of 13 (more than most other people I’ve talked to). I actually got to talk to people today! Last Friday I got to speak to my friend (my friend?) for about an hour, but after that I didn’t get to speak to someone until today. I did speak to someone at the shop for about 10 seconds, being able to talk to someone is one of the two reasons I go to the shop, the other to buy food. I have been feeling lonely again for obvious reasons. I texted my friend about this and they promised to talk to me yesterday after my exam yesterday… but then they ignored my texts after my exam for 2 hours so I went away from college. They texted me eventually, and said we could talk properly today.

Anyway, today! After my exam I got to speak to someone from one of my classes about the exam, we talked about how I found it easy while hey found it hard. It was maths… maths is easy… in my opinion, for some reason everyone finds it hard. I then got to speak to my counsellor from academic support! And then I got to speak to my friend! But when my friend’s friends came along, my friend had to go. See, my friend’s friends are more important than me, even though I’m told they aren’t. Now I’m depressed again.

I went home and cut myself. I’m lonely. I will get to talk to my CAMHS counsellor tomorrow but I hate them, and I still haven’t got my new counsellor. I’m also going to my GP tomorrow. My GP always wants to see me to make sure I’m alright, but I like going to them just so that I know I will get to talk to someone in the week, even if it is only for 10 minutes.

Did you hear? I’m lonely… I’ve neglected my blog too because of exams and my mental health. My suicidal thoughts are constantly up and down, I don’t know whether they were up or down in the last post but they are somewhere in the middle on this post. I’ve also neglected my lovely readers, I want to say I will actually reply to your comments this time but I feel so sad I’m not sure whether I can.

I’m lonely…

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You’re Lucky To Have Someone

You should never judge a book by its cover, and you never judge a person based on their appearance. If someone looked at me they would see a happy, healthy individual. Even if someone spoke to me casually they would hear an intelligent person who is content with their life. If the ability to read minds existed, someone who read my mind would a sad story about a lonely guy who wants to give up on everything. Yes readers, I’m still alive, I’m still here, and I’m still wishing I wasn’t.

Tuesday was one of the worst days for me. Things were getting better, or at least my mind was telling me it was. But I didn’t see the warning signals. My readers will know I have a friend who has stuck with me through my mental health saga starting before my blog began, and they have helped me considerably. I never thought they would leave me. I always wondered whether I was hurting them, I always wondered whether I was doing something wrong. They didn’t talk about it to me though, so things must have been bad, and they were slowly withdrawing themselves from me. I should have seen this, I could have put everything right… After accidentally hurting their feelings on Monday (with a joke they took the wrong way) I tried to ring them on Tuesday night. I tried to ring them but I was put straight through to voicemail. I tried ringing them later but the same thing happened. So being paranoid I tried ringing from a different number, and they answered. I said “hello”, and there was silence for a minute, I said “hello” again and they hung up. I was blocked…

I haven’t tried to speak to them since this happened, I am giving them space based on the advice on my college counsellor. I did see my friend (if I can still call them that) on Friday and I smiled at them, but they looked away with a disgusted look on their face. Until my mind is tricking me again I think it is safe to say they hate me. I want to put things right, I want to know that I never meant to hurt them (which has happened a few times, and I’ve apologised for it, and they’ve accepted them) but I guess I have done it one time to many. I wonder if this has happened with all my other friendships, I wonder if I am a bad person. I am left with no one now.

I have been in contact with Childline a lot more recently, sometimes I just go on their website just for someone to talk to. I have also been seeing my college counsellor more frequently after a period of seeing them less, which I am again doing sometimes just for someone to talk to. I will pop in their department just for a 2 minute chat in between lessons, and I will often spend my lunchtime in the area. I have been walking home with some people who I am certain hate me, but it is best chance I have of spending time with people my age outside of the classroom. They used to be my friends but I’m sure they hate me now, and I wonder if I should just stop trying with them, but I don’t want to be lonely. This is how my relationship is with everyone, it is sad but it is the truth.

If you are reading this and you know you have someone to talk to you are lucky. I don’t have that, I wish I did. If I were to make a bucket list the first thing on it would be to find someone who cares about me. I am convinced if I kill myself there will not be a funeral. I haven’t mentioned my family so far in this post, and I’m mentioning them now just to tell you how they are insignificant in my life. My parents were arguing again at dinner (sort of together, we were all in the same room), I’m sure they don’t love each other. If they don’t love each other, how can they love me? Sad, right?

A slightly better thing to note is that I should be getting another CAMHS counsellor soon. They work in behaviour therapy which is different to my current general counsellor, so I am not sure whether I will still be seeing both but I would like to leave the one that I currently hate. The new one will be someone I met at the hospital once, I requested them because I have met them and I got along with them when I spoke to them before. That could be over a month away due to the waiting list, but I will wait for them.

No friends anymore… I don’t have anyone. Yes, I’ve come crawling back to my readers. Forgive me, I was confused. Hopefully I’ll find someone soon who wants to spend time with me, but this time I wont tell them as much about my mental illness, and I’ll try not to talk to them as much. That is what I presume I did wrong with my old friend, but they never told me anything was wrong so I have to guess. Oh well, I will keep trying. I will keep hoping. Depressionless out.

P.S. I’m self-harming less…

I Have No Reason To Live

The thought which has hit me today… I have no reason to live! I have a reason to die, to end the torture that goes on in my mind, but I don’t have a reason to stay alive. Yesterday was one of the happiest days I had in a while, even though nothing spectacular happened I managed to spend an evening without having a suicidal thought. I did not even realise this until today when I was meant to be meeting my friend at lunch, the first time this month that someone was going to spend some time with me. This is probably why I was happy yesterday evening, but I knew it would not turn out how I would have hoped.

Since my depression started my friends started to leave me, although they did not know about my mental health. I have made a few friends since my depression started too, but they don’t seem to care about me. Apparently a friend is meant to care about me, which makes me think I don’t have any friends, and makes me question whether I have actually ever had a friend. If that is the only criteria for friendship my family might not even be friends with me. You have to talk to friends as well, which definitely cancels my family out of the equation. But this friend who I was going to meet today does talk to me, and I thought they cared about me. I haven’t really spent time with them since the overdose (a few weeks ago) which makes me question whether they don’t care. We used to spent some time together, and they have been talking to me since the overdose but they don’t seem to want to spend time with me.

So what happened today? Well, I met them outside of their lesson at lunch as we had planned. As soon as I saw them they said I was going to the lunch area with them, I don’t get a say in it or else they wont spend lunch with me. So I followed them, they then wanted me to meet all of their friends that I don’t know, and spend lunch with them which means I can’t talk to my friend about any of my problems. They probably don’t want to talk about it but we haven’t even spoke about my depression in a few weeks except for the overdose and when I went hospital. What’s worse is that as soon as I would have met my friends’ friends my friend probably would have left me. That would have meant I would have been left with a bunch of strangers who wouldn’t talk to me. That’s why I told my friend I don’t want to go to the lunch zone, which resulted in me spending lunch alone.

Lunch alone? Yes, and I spent it crying. Probably a good 30 minutes crying. After going toilet and talking to the college counsellor I sat back down so I could cry some more. Whilst crying it struck me that I have no one that cares about me again. I am only living for myself at the moment. Even sadder, I don’t even like myself, I was I could chance myself. I don’t know what I don’t like about myself but there must be something which is repelling all the people away from me, it can’t just be other peoples problem. So what do I have to live for? I’m beginning to fail at college, which puts my dream job into doubts. Like I said, I have no one to live for. I have stopped with all of my hobbies since my depression began and I don’t see the point in restarting them. I spend every day fighting against my own mind. So… nothing to live for.

This evening I was looking at suicide prevention online, and seeing what to do. Firstly, delay my actions. Well, I have been delaying them since I got out of hospital so I think that surpasses the 48 hours they recommended. Next, make the environment safe. The only way I can do that is by shutting down my mind, I am not safe while I can think, wait… that means kill myself. What else? Call someone. I tried calling my friend, they didn’t answer. I have no one else to call. Stop drinking or using drugs. I don’t, but it sounds appealing. I don’t drink but after getting out of hospital a week ago I tried some alcohol, and I tried some more, and some more. This was only in one night and I didn’t get drunk but I didn’t feel like I hated myself. That is the only thing I can think of at the moment to get rid of my suicidal thoughts. That’s one option, what else? Get professional help. Well, I will see my counsellor tomorrow which is professional help but they are probably going to make me want to kill myself even more. Finally, know that people get through this. Okay, but I don’t see how I can.

I’ve checked what I can do and it doesn’t look promising. I cut myself earlier too, and I think I will continue with that until I don’t absolutely hate myself, then I might get a drink to get rid of my suicidal thoughts. I do hope I can go through with the suicide next time I try it, I don’t actually have anything to live for this time so that should make it easier. See you next post… if I make it until then…

First Hug February

I’ve never had a hug… never… this is so sad right? Well, yeah, I’m 17 so I should have had a hug by now. But no, that’s why next month I am going to try and get a hug, my first ever hug. But first…

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

BFMH2015

So I am joining the Blog For Mental Health Project, I saw the project last year when I started blogging but the year was almost over so I thought I would wait until the 2015 project started. And here it is! Everyone who reads my blog knows I struggle with my mental health everyday, but I also like to share my experiences and help others which is what I hope I can do through this project. So I am participating, and I hope you do too! Click here to read more about Blog For Mental Health 2015!

I Will Try To Get My First Hug
Next month will be called First Hug February. As you may remember from one of my previous posts, I have never had a hug. As a 17 year old guy (somebody thought I was a girl, why?) it seems strange to me that I’ve never had a hug. I know there is a stereotype that guys can’t show emotions but I really want to know what it feels like.

I spent an hour and a half crying yesterday because I was thinking about never being hugged. This was while I was alone at night, in my bed. After about 30 minutes I started to search on the internet what it feels like to be hugged, and it made me want a hug even more. I then went on Youtube and searched how to hug so I could prepare for the day it happens!

Honestly, I’m not exactly sure how you hug someone. Do you just put your arms around them? I’m worried that I might do it wrong, I don’t have the experience that everyone else has. I’m also worrying how long do I hug someone for? I want to hug someone for a couple hours so I can make up for the time I missed. I hugged my pillow last night for at least half an hour, but I don’t think I can do that to a person.

So... this is how you hug...

So… this is how you hug…

I’ve decided that I might hug my friend (the friend who knows about my depression) if I see them on Monday. They are a girl so I don’t want to make things awkward, but I can’t imagine hugging any guys that I know. I’m not sure whether to tell them before that I’ve never been hugged because I’ll probably start crying when I hug them which will make things even more awkward, I presume. As you can tell, I am worrying a lot about this. It never bothered me before my depression started, but now I really want a hug. My other option is to hug a random stranger… but they might get angry at me…

Anyway, as you can see I have thought about this for a long time. I want to have my first hug, I really do! What should I do? Readers, I need some hugging advice, help me hug! And yeah, I know I’m overthinking all of this but it means so much to me, you probably don’t understand. If you know someone with depression, give them a hug, I hope my friend reads this. When I get my hug I will tell you as it will be the happiest I have ever been…

Suicidal, Anyone To Talk To? No?

I’m not sure what to do, I honestly don’t see the point in living right now. What do I have to look forward to? College? Friends? Family? Hobbies? The answer is nothing, there is nothing to look forward to because nothing good is going to happen to me. There is something worse though, I have no one to talk to.

My friends? Well, I have two friends who know about my depression. One lives 3000 miles away in another continent (which is why I sometimes don’t include them and say I only have one friend I can talk to). They also won’t be able to talk to me tomorrow or Saturday due to religious reasons. My other friend, as I keep mentioning recently, does not seem to want to talk to me. They keep “making other plans” when we already have plans to meet. I’m not sure if they still want to be friends. All of my other “friends” do not know about my depression, so I would struggle to talk to them.

My family? I’m not sure if they even care. Honestly, if I left the house and didn’t return tonight they wouldn’t even care. They might start to be curious after a day or two, but I can’t imagine them losing any sleep over me disappearing. I don’t see why I should talk to them about my depression if they don’t care.

My GP or counsellor? I can’t trust them at the moment. If I talk to them about my suicidal thoughts they will probably try to make me go to hospital, which is the last thing I want to happen. Anyway, my counsellor hasn’t even helped me yet so telling them that I want to kill myself will just make things worse.

A suicide helpline? I have just talked to Childline (before writing this) and they didn’t help me at all. They keep bringing up the past times I talked to them, and avoiding all the questions I asked by asking some of their own. I have emailed Samaritans, and I might call them tomorrow because they are better at dealing with suicide.

Anyone else? I don’t know. Well, it seems I don’t really have anyone to talk to at the moment. Maybe I could cut my arms again until Samaritans reply to my email (which will be a few hours), or maybe I could start making a new suicide plan because I haven’t thought about it for a while. What do you guys think?