Counselling is meant to help me, but why does it make me feel like this? Why did my counselling make me go home and cut my arm until I can only see red? Why did my counselling cause me to start thinking suicidal thoughts again? Well, I shouldn’t put all the blame on my counselling but that is definitely what pushed me over the edge today. I don’t understand why it has to be me that always feels depressed, I never see anyone else depressed, but then I guess no one ever shows it.
Click here to read about my first CAMHS counselling session.
The first thing today that annoyed me was having to wake up an hour early to do my sixth college test of the week. I did two maths tests and an electronics test on Monday, and two more maths tests on Tuesday. Then guess what? Another maths test today. Oh no Depressionless, poor you, an hour early, another maths test! Don’t joke around, I have been feeling a lot more anxious over these tests and although they aren’t enough to make me depressed they certainly add to my already horrible feelings. Anyway, how did it go? In fact, don’t ask. I don’t want to know myself. I spent the first 15 minutes panicking and then the rest of the test trying to answer questions while my mind is foggy. They give me extra time in tests now due to my depression and anxiety, but that just means more time to panic.
So after maths, I went to electronics. People ask me how my physics test went. Yes, that physics test that I got a D grade in. Yes, I was previously an A grade student and I got a D in my physics test. Yes, you can stop annoying me about it now. At least I get my electronics results back today, I surely can’t do worse than I did in physics. But it looks like I got a… C! Yes, I was getting A grades and now I get a C. This depression is really not helping me. At this point I’m very irritated and ready to explode.
My friend says this is not an acceptable place to “hang” out.
At midday I am on the way back home. I get a text from my friend. They can cheer me up, they always do, especially when they send me a text saying “Sorry, I can’t meet you after your counselling today, change of plans”. Okay, so I think after this I have a reason to be depressed. Nothing good had come so far and my mind is now focused on cutting myself after my counselling session. They change plans, I can make some of my own. This is probably why I was so happy (when I say this, I mean I wasn’t about to cry) when walking into my counselling session. Hello, how are you, I’m smiling because I know I get to destroy my body once we are done.
So into my counselling session I walk. Tell me about your week? Have you done the sleeping diary I asked? Do you know why you have depression? And a list of 50 questions I cannot answer. I am convinced by my meetings with counsellor that their job is to annoy people and make people want to cut themselves out of depression. From my research you cannot cut your way out of depression, only give yourself a short mood stabiliser (or what you want to call those chemicals). Like my last session, it ended with me answering the last 20 questions with “I don’t know”. They know I don’t know, but I don’t know why they think I will know if they keep asking if I know.
Fast-forward to home. On my bed, cutting myself. One cut. Two cut. Three cut. Four. I want to cut myself more. Five cut. Six cut. Seven cut. Eight. It’s just me that I do hate. My readers may remember that I needed to pass 10 cuts to set a new delusional cutting record. I was not delusional at this point but on counting my cuts I believe I reached 15. Let’s hope I don’t cut anymore today because this record is too high for my liking. On the 15th cut I got a text from my friend, the same friend, who said they wanted to talk soon. This is probably because I sent them a very depressed text after they said they couldn’t meet me. After a couple of texts they tried to stop me cutting. I don’t think they have read my most recent text yet, but I want them to know I’ve stopped for now. I don’t want them to feel sad just because I do, there are enough sad people in the world already.
My cutting record delusion? Click here to read about it.
So I have cleaned up my cuts, and my arm does look quite bad now considering I hadn’t cut much recently so most of the cuts are from today. There is not much else to be sad about, unless you want to include none of my friends or family wanting to talk to me today. Tomorrow can only get better (well no, but I will hope it does). Not my worst day of depression by far, but I have started cutting quite a lot again which is worrying. How was everyone else’s day?