Don’t Worry Guys, Sorry To Scare You!

My last post was a week and a half ago and I talked about my suicidal thoughts and feelings. I think I may have scared some of my readers, but I am fine now. Thanks for being so concerned for me, I promise I’ll keep you better informed next time.

I was struggling with my suicidal thoughts not long ago. I will give you more details in a few posts over the next few days but I stabbed myself, ended up in hospital and had to stay there for a while. I was unable to post while in hospital so could not inform my lovely readers. On getting out I was feeling better but still struggling with my suicidal thoughts, my mind wasn’t working right and I completely forgot loads of things. I didn’t post here, I haven’t been to college, lots of things went wrong. I also discovered some things about my family and my friendships which impacted my mood, making me even more depressed. I have been struggling a lot in the past 2 weeks. I will share it with you guys starting tomorrow, there is lots to talk about. It could be a post series, maybe the “Battling My Suicidal Thoughts” series. Seriously, there is a lot, I could probably write a novel with everything that has happened.

Thanks for all the comments while I was away, I feel bad for not telling you guys, but my mind wasn’t in the right place. I’ll probably go through each comment tomorrow and thank everyone, it means a lot to have these people who care. This is Depressionless, signing out!

How To Self-Harm

If you are going to self-harm you should at least know how to do it properly, make sure you read the whole post before attempting so you know exactly how to self-harm, as if you attempt it incorrectly you might suffer fatal consequences. What will you need? The interesting thing about self-harming is that you don’t even need anything but this post will focus on cutting so anything sharp will do. We will refer to your tool of choice as a knife throughout the post for simplicity.

So your first cut… it is often the hardest. You are not how deep to cut, how many cuts to do or how hard to press. You will not be used to the pain of cutting and as you draw the knife across your skin it will feel like agony. Afterwards you will probably do a few softer cuts to make yourself feel better.

If gets easier though, and you still think you can control yourself. Each session the cuts get deeper and you find it easier to draw blood. The cuts heal but turn into scars. When you have enough scars on your forearm you start to go up the rest of your arm, and then onto the legs and stomach. Every part of your body that you are able to cover up will be covered with scars.

And you will cover them up. You will hide your cuts and scars from everyone you love. You can still wear t-shirts, but you must wear a jumper or jacket over it so that your arms are not on show. When summer comes you worry about what to wear so you either wear long-sleeve shirts in the blazing heat or you stay inside, which leads to more cutting.

At this point you are addicted to cutting. You have already avoided your friends in the summer due to your cuts, but now you begin to skip lessons at school or college just so you can cut some more. You’ll hide in the toilets and watch the blood trickle down your arms as your education slips between your fingers. Your addiction causes you to get bad grades in your next test, but you don’t worry because you will always have your knife with you to comfort you during these times.

What was once one cut turns into ten cuts, then twenty cuts, then thirty, then a hundred. You are out of control. If you are not thinking about cutting it is probably because you are cutting. You no longer feel normal, you feel like a machine programmed to inflict harm onto itself. You battle against your mind daily, you try to stop cutting but it is no use. Cutting has taken over, you see no way of escaping. You will read books about self-harming and look for miracles online to help you stop but it is no use.

You now carry your knife with you wherever you go. Do you have 5 minutes before next lesson? Cut. Are your friends not looking for a few minutes? Cut. Have your parents left you in the car? Cut. Every opportunity you have will turn into a cutting session. On the rare occasions you cannot use your knife you will look for other objects to cut yourself with. Needles, compasses, paperclips. You can use everything. Cutting does not hurt as much as it used to.

You forget what days were like before you started cutting, you wonder how you managed. You are alone in your own little world of cutting, you cannot seem to find anyone else who cuts without revealing your own secret. Your body is slowly being destroyed, you enjoy it while at the same time hate it. You don’t even own your body, cutting does. Cutting is in your work, your dreams and in signs on the street. Imagine your worst nightmare has come to life, but is in the form of cutting. You wish you had never started, you wish you could turn back the clock and tell yourself not to cut. I wish that too, but then I started cutting and now it is too late.

So you want to self-harm? I’ll tell you exactly how to self-harm. Put the knife down and walk away. That’s the only way you can succeed. That’s the only way you can beat the devil.

One Cut Down, Pass It Around, 14 Cuts On My Arm Still To Go…

Counselling is meant to help me, but why does it make me feel like this? Why did my counselling make me go home and cut my arm until I can only see red? Why did my counselling cause me to start thinking suicidal thoughts again? Well, I shouldn’t put all the blame on my counselling but that is definitely what pushed me over the edge today. I don’t understand why it has to be me that always feels depressed, I never see anyone else depressed, but then I guess no one ever shows it.

Click here to read about my first CAMHS counselling session.

The first thing today that annoyed me was having to wake up an hour early to do my sixth college test of the week. I did two maths tests and an electronics test on Monday, and two more maths tests on Tuesday. Then guess what? Another maths test today. Oh no Depressionless, poor you, an hour early, another maths test! Don’t joke around, I have been feeling a lot more anxious over these tests and although they aren’t enough to make me depressed they certainly add to my already horrible feelings. Anyway, how did it go? In fact, don’t ask. I don’t want to know myself. I spent the first 15 minutes panicking and then the rest of the test trying to answer questions while my mind is foggy. They give me extra time in tests now due to my depression and anxiety, but that just means more time to panic.

So after maths, I went to electronics. People ask me how my physics test went. Yes, that physics test that I got a D grade in. Yes, I was previously an A grade student and I got a D in my physics test. Yes, you can stop annoying me about it now. At least I get my electronics results back today, I surely can’t do worse than I did in physics. But it looks like I got a… C! Yes, I was getting A grades and now I get a C. This depression is really not helping me. At this point I’m very irritated and ready to explode.

My friend says this is not an acceptable place to "hang" out.

My friend says this is not an acceptable place to “hang” out.

At midday I am on the way back home. I get a text from my friend. They can cheer me up, they always do, especially when they send me a text saying “Sorry, I can’t meet you after your counselling today, change of plans”. Okay, so I think after this I have a reason to be depressed. Nothing good had come so far and my mind is now focused on cutting myself after my counselling session. They change plans, I can make some of my own. This is probably why I was so happy (when I say this, I mean I wasn’t about to cry) when walking into my counselling session. Hello, how are you, I’m smiling because I know I get to destroy my body once we are done.

So into my counselling session I walk. Tell me about your week? Have you done the sleeping diary I asked? Do you know why you have depression? And a list of 50 questions I cannot answer. I am convinced by my meetings with counsellor that their job is to annoy people and make people want to cut themselves out of depression. From my research you cannot cut your way out of depression, only give yourself a short mood stabiliser (or what you want to call those chemicals). Like my last session, it ended with me answering the last 20 questions with “I don’t know”. They know I don’t know, but I don’t know why they think I will know if they keep asking if I know.

Fast-forward to home. On my bed, cutting myself. One cut. Two cut. Three cut. Four. I want to cut myself more. Five cut. Six cut. Seven cut. Eight. It’s just me that I do hate. My readers may remember that I needed to pass 10 cuts to set a new delusional cutting record. I was not delusional at this point but on counting my cuts I believe I reached 15. Let’s hope I don’t cut anymore today because this record is too high for my liking. On the 15th cut I got a text from my friend, the same friend, who said they wanted to talk soon. This is probably because I sent them a very depressed text after they said they couldn’t meet me. After a couple of texts they tried to stop me cutting. I don’t think they have read my most recent text yet, but I want them to know I’ve stopped for now. I don’t want them to feel sad just because I do, there are enough sad people in the world already.

My cutting record delusion? Click here to read about it.

So I have cleaned up my cuts, and my arm does look quite bad now considering I hadn’t cut much recently so most of the cuts are from today. There is not much else to be sad about, unless you want to include none of my friends or family wanting to talk to me today. Tomorrow can only get better (well no, but I will hope it does). Not my worst day of depression by far, but I have started cutting quite a lot again which is worrying. How was everyone else’s day?