After my previous talk of suicide I decided I had to do something. Today has been a rollercoaster of a day for me, it started off well but turned disastrous quite quickly. After receiving my tablets from the GP yesterday I knew I was going to do something bad, and today was the day for it.
Click here to read the post where I explained what I hoped to do today.
Shortly before midnight I called the Samaritans helpline. I don’t usually call the helplines as I don’t find them as useful as the email chat from Samaritans and the 1-2-1 chat from Childline. I gave it a chance though. It didn’t help much, the advice I got in the end was to speak to my GP who I can’t actually see until Thursday (or I could see another GP on Monday – still days away). Still hopeless, the next thing on my list was to call my friend… they didn’t answer. I sent them a text asking them to call me as soon as they can.
It was now roughly 30 minutes past midnight and I’m sitting up in bed, this is the beginning of a sleepless night, I can sense it. Then my phone vibrates, I dash to pick it up knowing it would be my friend (nobody really calls me after midnight). With the phone in my hand I quietly walked downstairs so that my family would not hear the conversation if they were awake. Despite them not knowing much about depression, my friend promised they would try to help me. We agreed that I needed to get rid of the tablets but they were away so they couldn’t take them from me. I would throw them away in the morning.
So back to my bedroom I go and I can’t sleep. I attempt to get to sleep but it fails so I load up my laptop and look at some college work. I can’t get the college work done so I download some music and just listen, I need to relax. The time was 4:30am when I finally got to sleep but I woke up at 8am so I had less than 4 hours of sleep. I guess that could effect my thinking for the day ahead.
First part? Think about the tablets. It was the only thing on my mind on Friday, and would be the only thing on my mind today. To distract myself I try to focus on less depressing things, but my mind drifts back to harming myself. This time I think about my knife. Where is it? I can’t find it, how am I meant to cut myself? I search all over my room, desperately hoping it will appear. But it is nowhere to be found. This makes me both angry and disappointed, not a good combination. I spent the rest of the morning feels depressed and wanting to harm myself.
Click here to read “Please Kill Me – Things That Make Me Depressed”, the post that started this off.
In the afternoon I grabbed my jacket and filled my pockets with specific items. Some money, headphones, my phone, a notepad… and of course my tablets and some rope. If you have read some of my previous posts you will know I always seem to go to the park when I think about suicide, which is exactly what I did today. Although of the way I spent some of the money on two drinks, both for myself. When I arrived at the park I looked for a suitable spot the do the deed.
I placed the drinks down beside a tree, away from where the people were walking. I then took the tablets out of my pocket and took one from the foil. With the help of the drink I bought the tablet went down. One done. I quickly moved onto the second tablet, and it went down with ease. Two tablets done so far. I moved on to the third tablet, and within a couple of minutes I had already taken three of my fourteen tablets, this was going to be easy I thought. I took a short break. During this break my chest began to hurt. It was not a horrible pain, but it was noticeable and clearly related to the tablets I took.
Back onto taking the tablets. I managed to get the fourth one down before I realised exactly what I was doing. After taking the fourth tablet I questioned myself. Why am I doing this? Well… there isn’t any point in living. I knew I could not persuade myself to get out of the situation so I remembered some of the comments from you readers. In particular the comments by amandaquirky. Then I tried to call my friend but they would not answer (checking back later, I realised I rang them four times in this period of time). Nope, I was going to continue. Four tablets down, ten to go.
Getting darker the skies are!
I decided to move location, to the bushes in the park where less people would see me since it was beginning to get dark. I left one of the drinks behind which I had almost finished, but took everything else. When I got to the bushes I moved quickly onto the fifth tablet. Down! After the walking, and then taking the tablet I was starting to feel a little dizzy. I could still walk fine but I was a bit dizzy, and the chest pains were getting slightly worse. It was all still bearable so I took the sixth tablet. After the sixth tablet I just stood there, possibly for 15 minutes. Doing absolutely nothing. Not because of any pains (I still feeling alright) but because I was fighting with myself to stop.
Taking everything with me, I walked away from the park. I had to get away, I didn’t want to take any more tablets. Or part of me didn’t, the other part was still expecting more. That’s when I took the seventh tablet. As soon as I swallowed the tablet I poured the drink on the ground so that I could not swallow any more tablets. That was the end of that. A success you might call it… except as I walked home the suicidal thoughts were still in my mind. I still had the rope I began with, I could still attempt something. On the sides of the path were benches so I sat down to think. It was dark now, which I always believe is a better time to hang myself (if I ever do it). I spent another 15 minutes thinking about it.
Fortunately the evening was not eventful after that, I made it home. The dizziness had completely gone, but the chest pains were still there and they had been joined by stomach pains. I got home over two hours ago, the chest pains have gone but the stomach pains are still there. I guess that is what happens when you take more tablets than you should. I could say I have learned my lesson, but I will be fighting depression tomorrow and the day after, and it’s always the same fight on a different battlefield.