Delusional: MI5 Agent Depressionless, Your First Mission

The first mission for all secret agents is expected to be tough, but it can’t get much tougher than this one. My assignment, to stop the terrorist bomb threats near the local park. This is no joke but it is my first mission as Agent Depressionless. On Wednesday I skipped college because my depression was bad and I did not feel like going so instead I decided to go to the park, which turned out to be both a good and bad experience.

I am casually walking around the park when I get my mission. The debriefing occurred in my mind (no surprising, but why didn’t I question it?) and my secretive boss who I have no idea about has warned me that there are terrorists in the park who are planning to shoot civilians as well as plant bombs in nearby buildings. As a newly recruited MI5 agent I had to try to remain calm at all times. I decided first that I must try to find the suspects, then follow them until I am sure they are planning to commit their crimes. During the debriefing I was also told they are likely to be near the bridge at some point, so that’s were I headed first.

Minutes were passing, time I could not afford to lose. They could already be killing civilians by now, I need to act quickly. Stop! I spot one of the suspects walking towards me. I panic. I don’t know what to do. This never happened in my training. I never took part in training. I try to act calm but it is hard, I just stand still and turn away, trying to still look at them through the corner of my eye. Within a few seconds I have lost them, they turn behind a bush and I can’t see them. From quite far away I look under the bush to see where their feet are going, but I can’t even see their feet. They must be onto me! I pick up the pace and walk quicker, thinking about a route to cut them off, while at the same time try to figure out where they are going. I am walking faster and faster, it is more of a jog at this point. I get to the other side of the bush but there is only one path they could have gone down without me seeing them.

I slow down again realising that I will not be far behind them unless they were running too, but these terrorist suspects wont want to act suspicious or else they will be caught. Clever thinking again by me. I walk down this path, noticing the undisturbed squirrels on the sides of the path. Wait a second, undisturbed? As I walk closer they begin to move away. But why were they next to the path if the suspect had just walked down here? This does not add up. At this moment I get a telepathic message from my secretive boss who informs me there are suspects at the bridge right at the moment. I pick up the pace again into a fast walk and get near the bridge.

I don’t want to blow my cover. I stay at least 20 metres from the bridge but with a good viewing spot to see who goes over. First comes a couple with a baby. Great disguise! Or is it a disguise? It can’t be, they don’t look like they are ready to commit terrorist acts. They stop. Oh no, have they spotted me? This can’t be happening. The couple start talking, at which point another man walks over the bridge. I need to know what that couple are saying, while I also need to look at this man to check if he a suspect. The couple are on the move again but I divert my attention to the man. Yes, it could be him. He is checking over his shoulder to see if anyone is following him, but that’s what I’ll be doing in a second. I give him about 15 metres space and then start my pursuit.

He does not look calm. There must be something stressing him. He is walking faster than people usually do at the park. This must be one of the suspects, I have found one! I can’t get too close yet, but I can’t lose him. The fate of innocent people rests on my shoulders, I have to do this. Who knows how many people could die if I let him get away. I then start to think about how I will stop him. Possibly wait until we are both out of the publics view and then take him on? He is far larger than me and I didn’t go to MI5 training so my combat skills are rusty. Well? I could lure him into a trap and call the police. Great idea. While these thoughts go on in my mind I have lost him. Oh no! That is two suspects lost already. People could already be dying and I haven’t stopped them.

Ok, another telepathic message. Yes, my boss has come up with a good idea. The suspects will need a getaway vehicle, so I shall wait at the car park to catch them before they leave. Fortunately I am now only two minutes away from the car park. I head in that direction. I pass a group of four people on the way. Nope, they aren’t involved. The car park is now in view, and there are three people in it. One looks like a postman who is fiddling with a box. Causing a power cut? Or planting a bomb? He must be up to something. Another walks into the park with their dog. Yeah, if they have a dog they can’t be terrorists. The third is a woman who goes towards the postman, talks to him and heads back to her car. She grabs something out of her car and walks away. Suspects number three and four. Like always, I quickly walk to the scene. As I get closer I notice the postman is actually a council worker who is fixing the parking machine. Obviously! But that woman, she is a suspect, I must follow her. She is already out of the car park but I know which direction she went, so I pursue.

I follow her. She is far away but I think I can catch up. Where is she going? Remember, the terrorists want to shoot people in the park and blow up nearby buildings. She must have grabbed a bomb out of her car, and now she is heading to her target. Now if I thought the two previous suspects were bad, this one could be about the kill dozens if I do not get there in time. I pick up the pace, and follow her exact footsteps. She then crosses the road but traffic comes along. I can’t get across. She is getting away. The people! I must save the people!

The traffic light changes and she is further away than before. I cross the road and try to catch up again. I see a building not far away and figure out the plan. She can’t be. No, seriously? She is about to bomb a college and I’m too far away to stop her. She turns into the college and I lose sight of her. She is inside already. I walk quickly but by the time I get there she is nowhere to be seen. She is probably planting the bomb right now. I am ashamed with my performance, I know I have failed everyone. I have failed the people, the country, the queen. I must retire from this business of secret agents. I am no good. The suspect is still in the building planting the bomb while I walk away from the scene. The telepathic messages from my secretive boss have stopped. They must know of my resignation.

Twenty minutes pass. No explosions, no gunfire, I realise I have just had another delusion. Silly me…

Delusional: Beating My “Self-Harm Record”

This delusion started around 9pm on New Years Eve, I had a strange idea that I had to beat my “self-harm record”. By this I mean I had to cut myself (until I bleed) more than I had on any other day. This was a delusion, I don’t actually keep a record, so I had no idea what my “record” was. Although I am learning to control my self-harm urges I have had days where I just lost it and decided to cut. During this delusion I predicted that I my current record was around 8. Again, I can’t say if this is true because I don’t keep a record. My delusion had decided I would cut myself 10 times so that I could set a new record.

Earlier in the day I had cut myself once. Why? Me and my family were going for a New Years Eve meal. My family set off my urges. Whenever we are all together there are no normal conversations, we always argue about pointless things. They all believe there is this ranking table in the family and the more you disprove another person the more points you get. Honestly, I cannot cope with my family which is why I never talk to them. Anyway, my delusion recognised I had already done one cut today which meant 9 more cuts to go.

Well at least it's not another one of these bug delusions...

Well at least it’s not another one of these bug delusions…

When the delusion started at 9pm I did 2 cuts in the first 10 minutes. I decided to take a break and went to get a drink. Well, all this cutting would be thirsty work, I’m not going to be able to do 10 cuts without a drink! When I got back to my room with my drink I started to fight against my delusion. I knew it was a delusion so I tried to distract myself while I repeated “it is not true”. I spent about 30 minutes listening to music. For those interested, the song I remember was I Can by Nas.

It was getting close to 10pm and I still needed 7 more cuts. I actually needed to stop myself doing 7 more cuts but my delusion was taking over again. It was a slow process. First I stopped distracting myself with music, I just sat on my bed. About 5 minutes later I picked up my knife. Another 5 minutes later I rolled back my sleeves. And then… cut. After that, another cut. I had reached 5 cuts, which meant only 5 more cuts to go. There were 90 minutes until midnight. In my mind I was doing calculations, working out the “minutes per cut” rate.

Click here to read my first delusional post, where I cut a “bug” out of my hand.

I began to distract myself with music again. While I listened to the music I knew I would need another distraction. I thought about my regular distractions. I couldn’t make a lot of noise, I was at home and my family would shout at me. I could not talk to my friend who was on holiday over the Christmas period. I thought about writing something random, but my delusion was still fighting against me and it told me not to. Tears were rolling down my face, I was silently screaming in my head.

This time listening to music did not last long. At 11:10pm I had reached 9 cuts. My delusion was not satisfied, it was already making plans to reach 15 cuts in the last hour. I knew this was impossible, but I love challenges and my delusion knew this. “You can do it” and “Only 6 cuts to go” were going through my mind. Could I really do it?

Click here for distractions on how to stop cutting, they often work for me when I’m not delusional.

I’ll tell you now, my 10th cut came at around 11:30pm. I would never be able to manage another 5 cuts in the last 30 minutes… or would I? Well, I was fighting off my delusion again and managed to keep it away until midnight. I remember looking at my phone every minute just to see the time change, and know I wont reach 15 cuts with so little time left. Midnight came! My delusion had won by me reaching 10 cuts, but I had a little victory by not reaching the second goal of 15 cuts. I welcomed 2015 with my cut and bleeding arms!

New Years Comic 1

This was a horrible delusion. It was on and off for 3 hours, longer than my regular 10 minute delusions. I will hope that this delusion does not come back, I would rather cut myself once to remove a bug than cut myself 10 times to break an imaginary record (well it will have to be more than 10 times now).

Whether it is a positive or not, I am a little happy that my bug delusion has gone. How did I get rid of it? I’m not exactly sure, however last time I had the delusion I was able to control myself better and recognise I do not need to cut myself open to remove my imaginary demons. Okay, so that’s probably not why that delusion left, I have a feeling it will come back. But that delusion is more controllable now, as long as I keep reminding myself that insects do not appear under skin randomly (if they can, someone show me some evidence because I will need to get it checked out).

Click here to read about the return of my bug delusion, where I try cut an imaginary bug out of my skin.

I will keep trying to fight my delusions. It is working with varied success, but I guess as long as my depression is with me my delusions will try to fight me. I can try my best, I cannot try better than that. My delusions remind me I am only human, it reminds me that life can get better. When I have those 30 minutes in between cutting I know I have succeeded in fighting my delusion, and I still have hope. It may be the worst place to find hope, but I would rather have hope than be back where I was a couple of weeks ago, on the verge of ending it. The book of 2014 closes, you will find it in the adventure section, and I have begun to write my book of 2015. I am the writer, I choose what happens in my book, and you choose what happens in yours.

Delusional: Help! Another Bug Under My Skin!

One bug in my hand, I could deal with that after days thinking I was turning crazy. But when this bug returns, I wonder what is going on with my life! This bug is imaginary (it doesn’t seem like it at the time – but when I’m sane I realise this) which probably makes everything worse. It could appear at any time, when I’m eating my dinner, when I’m playing football, or when I’m on my laptop. I can’t predict when it will appear, so I’m not exactly sure how to stop it.

Was this the bug?

Was this the bug?

Well, it has only happened twice. Both times I had a strange feeling I should write about it afterwards. I was not sure whether to share this episode because I don’t want my blog to become too depressing (it’s about depression, I’m not sure what I expected), but I know everyone will be interested in what happened. Here you go…

The return of the bug! And this time with sound effects! I am not sure when this episode started, I think it was just after 11:30am while I was on my laptop. Suddenly I could feel something on the inside of my right arm above the joint. My mind was telling me there might be a bug under my skin again, but this time I decided to argue with myself. It wasn’t really an argument but every 30 seconds my mind changed from “there might be a bug, cut yourself open and check” to “there isn’t really a bug, you’re just tricking yourself”. After a few minutes I decided to cut my arm, it did not hurt and it was easy to cut. No surprise, no bug. My mind was now telling me the bug had moved to my forearm despite there being no strange feeling there. There were white marks which I recognised was probably dead skin but at the same time I thought the bug may have left it. I tried to cut open my forearm but it would not bleed. Then after a few more minutes of rubbing the knife against my skin I told myself I could get rid of the bug by putting both of my arms under the tap. I left the knife in my room and walked to the bathroom, and put my arms under the tap. I was a bit calmer so walked back to my bedroom. The time on my phone was 11:52am. Then came the terrifying part. I could hear scratching in the walls, from several different places high up the wall. My heart began to beat faster. I just walked out my room and downstairs. I estimate the episode lasted roughly 15 minutes, slightly longer than last time. This one I was not rocking as much, and I was able to try and stop myself which I could not do last time. However I did hear something. It may have been rats but I highly doubt it. Hopefully it does not happen again!

Click here to read about the first time a bug “appeared” in my hand.

Fortunately this time I kind of knew it wasn’t real. Well I thought it was real. But also I knew it wasn’t. I’m starting to think I have two minds, my regular mind and my depression mind. I am figuring out how to control my depression mind still, I guess this episode shows I am making progress, even if I did cut myself. Does anyone know exactly what I am experiencing? I call it a delusion but I’m not so sure. Maybe you have experienced something similar, anyone?

Delusional: Cut This Bug Out Of My Hand

Upon reading the title you would probably think I was going mad. Or maybe “cut”, “bug” and “hand” are the new words that the gangsters use on the streets of England. You wouldn’t believe there actually was a bug in my hand, would you? You don’t casually find insects in your hand, so when I had a funny feeling in my hand why was that what I decided had happened?

In my months of depression (I’m still confident it is just depression) I have never had a feeling like I did last night. It was complete madness. Fortunately for you readers, I wrote down my experience (I wrote it for my doctor so there is no fancy edits or words) not long after it happened. Below you can read exactly what I wrote:

It started just before 9pm, after I finished watching Men in Black 3 on TV. It felt as if there were a bug or creature under the skin on the back of my left hand. I could not see anything moving or hear it, but I just felt it there. In my mind I kept repeating “Get out my hand” and “I need to cut it out” so I cut the back of my hand until it bled. It felt as if the bug had left. A few minutes later it felt as if it reappeared further up the back of my hand, then in the side of my middle finger, then in the palm of my hand just under the middle finger. It did not actually move, but disappear and reappear in the new location. Each time I tried to cut it out but my skin did not bleed so it failed. I managed to cut myself on the palm. A few seconds later my palm was hurting a lot, more than when I cut my arms, and the bug had left my left hand. This whole episode lasted for about 10 minutes, and I was knelt on my bed the whole time either slowly rocking or trying to cut my hand. Roughly 10 minutes after it had finished I went downstairs to get something to eat. I decided there was nothing in my hand, even though it felt as if there were at the time. This had never happened before, and I find it very unusual. The bug has not returned, and I have not seen or heard anything unusual during or since. Now I think about it, the bug was probably an itch.

So I want to point something out about this. I find it very strange that as soon as it finished I was able to just get up and go downstairs. I’m not exactly sure what was going through my mind once the episode finished, but I can’t believe my mind could change from delusional to calm in a couple of seconds. I wouldn’t even call that part of having depression. Maybe there is a type of depression I don’t know about, or maybe I need to tell my doctor so they can list several more problems with me.

Now what I have to think about is whether to tell the doctor. I will see the doctor on Christmas Eve. If they think I am crazy or I am going to harm myself even more (if I have more of these delusions) they might make me stay in hospital over Christmas. That is unlikely to happen but I don’t want to take the risk. If I tell them I might get better, I might end up in hospital, both might happen or neither. I know I am not going to be happy on Christmas but that would surely ruin it. If this is a one off episode, I should be fine, but if it continues to happen it will only get worse. Have you had any experiences like mine? Share in the comments below.