Return of the King

Three days away from my blog to refocus my mind and get my mental health back on track. It has been a strange last couple of days which I can perfectly sum up in some weird and wacky haikus. In short I have seen my last CAMHS counselling session, the results of my blood test, and some interesting news regarding medication. Plus a few extra notes.

Thunder and lightning
Enters the king of writing
Returns to his throne.

The blood test… Well, I went for my blood test on Tuesday but got my results back on Thursday. Apparently it is meant to take a week so I guess my GP sped up my results for me. I was hoping that something would come back with my results, for them to find something wrong with me. I am looking for the reason of my depression, the thing that started everything off, but I can’t seem to find it. A lot of things have happened since my depression started, but I don’t know what started it. I guess anyone else would be happy with the results I got, but when I found out there was nothing too high or too low in my blood, that just made it worse for me.

Tiny disk floating
Holding the key to the cure
Misery without

Counselling? Have I told you that I hate CAMHS? Yeah, probably. So to tell them I don’t want to see them again is great, and that they didn’t want to see me again is even better. The plan was there to have a final meeting in March with CAMHS, my parents, the college counsellor and me, which I am fine with. The meeting would be the last time I see them. But then CAMHS rang my college to tell me they want to see me again, but only for medication. Providing I don’t have to talk to them anymore, I’m happy to see them for medication. Medication should help me… hopefully!

Saint versus dragon
Sword drawn, slashing blood filled hearts
Dragon tears drop, drop…

Recording my mood. I should have really done this earlier. I could guess when I feel the worst, and I can guess how long my depressive state lasts but they are only guesses. This is why I set up a short questionnaire I can fill in every hour or two on my phone asking me how my mood is, and I after a few days I can sit on my laptop and analyse the data. So far I have been doing it for about 24 hours, and this day was one of constant mood swings overshadowed by my depression. I’m now questioning myself whether most days are like this, but I just notice the depression as that stands out the most. I don’t know, which is exactly why I am tracking my mood. I will post more information on this at a later date, when I have more data to analyse.

Up, down and sideways
The blindfolded passenger
On mood swing express…

On a totally unrelated note, I am creating a computer game. I may have mentioned before that I really like computers, and that I love to program. I noticed a UK competition for under 18’s, where you have to create your own computer game. I have until the start of June to complete my project, but I want to focus on it now before the serious exam revision starts. You won’t get updates on this unless it makes me suicidal (how would that happen?) or the game becomes depressing (I hope not…), but its nice for my readers to learn something about me.

Have you ever tried
to write a haiku but then
your mind just goes blank?

I know there is a lot more I want to say, I just cannot think of it right now. Maybe it will be posted tomorrow, or maybe I have a poem stored up to unleash havoc on the simple minds of some of my readers (simple? I meant beautiful). I might disappear for another three days… Who knows?

Happy Haiku Saturday: Haikus 1-15

So I have managed the first fifteen haikus. This is going to be a long day… Enjoy them, I cannot say they are all perfect but I have a time limit. Only 85 to go! Yeah, that’s nothing, but I better stop writing this and start writing more haikus.

Post Number 1: The Birth of the Panda
Welcome to the world
of blogging, Do random things
like write bad haikus…
Click to read the full post

Blue…
Beautiful photo,
Many shades all together,
And hope behind clouds.
Click to read the full post

#Haiku a Day (No. 096)
Attempting is tough,
Planning is complicated,
But both rewarding
Click to read the full post

Serenity
Such beauty is rare,
Peaceful hills for peaceful men,
Never reach the bottom
Click to read the full post

Writing Helps
Wow, so you just quit,
But living miserably,
Isn’t how to live.
Click to read the full post

Parkrun Parkrun Parkrun Fun. Part 1.
Oh yeah! Parkrun time!
I’m depressed so taking time
off my usual runs.
Click to read the full post

Waves
The storms and monsters
invade the beach, but after
the calm water shines.
Click to read the full post

Suicidal Thoughts?
The world is open
with chances, don’t leave until
all have been explored
Click to read the full post

My Strength
Ink on paper
opens the world greater than
sun behind the clouds
Click to read the full post

In Case You Need A Little Lift
When you reach the stars
there will always be one more
to keep exploring
Click to read the full post

Perfect Palaces
Alliteration,
Awesome and amazing art,
Although annoying
Click to read the full post

Recycled Haiku
Recycling is good,
But why not turn an artwork
To a masterpiece?
Click to read the full post

My Birthday. Yay?
With age comes wisdom
But at least you have beauty
At such a young age
Click to read the full post

Week One on Curieuse Island
Dream big, live bigger,
on the island of nature,
where toilets don’t flush…
Click to read the full post

A friendship can only go so far, but boyfriend sounds so elementary.
Love is very strange,
No matter how much you look,
It sneaks up behind.
Click to read the full post

Happy Haiku Saturday – The Beginning

Happy Haiku Saturday is coming near. Hey Depressionless, you are depressed, stop making a happy day dedicated to haikus. Well, guys, I don’t care what you think, I just want to sit at my laptop all day thinking of random haikus that people wont read. So that is why I created Happy Haiku Saturday…

What Is Happy Haiku Saturday?
Happy Haiku Saturday is a day where I try to respond to 100 blog posts with haikus, usually as comments on the blogs. The comments would be normal comments that people would leave but in the form of a haiku (which will mean many strange and crazy haiku’s will be made). All of the blogs responded to, and the haikus used to respond, will be posted on my blog (probably 10-20 per post because you don’t want me spamming 100 posts on my blog in a day).

Why Are You Doing Happy Haiku Saturday?
There are a few reasons. Firstly, I have nothing to do on Saturday so I thought I may as well challenge myself to something hard. Secondly, I have been cutting myself more regularly and deeper so I need a distraction to keep myself cut-free. Thirdly, it means I have a reason to read and share so many good blog posts.

Which Posts Will You Comment On? Can You Comment On Mine?
Any good post I find. Many of them will be related to mental health (because that is what my blog is about) but I will look at other posts on a variety of topics. If you want me to comment a haiku on your post (which means I will also link to your post in one of my posts) just leave the link in a comment on this post, or use my contact page.

What Will Happen When You Reach 100 Haikus?
I will probably faint… Seriously, this challenge will take all day. If I read posts quickly and find one to respond to in 3 minutes, then take another minute to create a haiku that’s 4 minutes per haiku. With 100 haikus to do, it could take 400 minutes. Plus I will have to do my own blog posts to tell you guys about my haikus, and that could be another 20 minutes per post. Presuming that there will be 6 posts that will add another 120 minutes on. This means I will be dedicating 520 minutes (8 hours, 40 minutes) to Happy Haiku Saturday. And I have probably underestimated everything, so don’t even expect me to finish.

Why Haikus?
Haikus are quite short,
They are so easy to create,
Plus some are funny…

I Want To Write Haikus Too!
Well go on then. And let me know so I can respond with my own haiku, we might even have a haiku battle (like a rap battle, but with haikus). I love haikus, and you should too!

When Insomnia Writes Haiku’s

Hey Depressionless, didn’t you promise us a poem? Yeah I did, but I’ve realised that my good day has gone and my depression is going to hurt me a lot more over the next few days. Okay, so I’ll slip a few haiku’s into this post. I am writing all of this at 1am while severely depressed so dont expect a lot.

Yawn! Head slowly drops
as eyes flicker to open
to the bright new day

Me right now...

Me right now…

What? What did I just write? I’ll regret all of this when I wake up tomorrow. Actually I don’t plan on sleeping so it will be when I wake up on Tuesday. I think I’m in this situation because my friend text me to say they will meet up, but I received another text about a day later saying they won’t meet me. They know my depression is getting worse but I didn’t mention my suicidal thoughts were bad. Well, they better have a good excuse because if I’m honest my depression is as bad as it can get. I don’t tend to tell people how bad it is because I don’t want to worry them.

Misty mind clouded
by thunder as rain drops fall
onto frowning man

The lonely duck
floats the least peaceful as he
finds the lonely shore

Either my tiredness has created genius poetry, or I cannot understand what I’m writing because I’m too tired. It may be only 1am but depression can seriously drain the energy out of you. I’ve been in this situation before but I managed to get asleep. Shall we look at my exciting week ahead?

Happiness is found
in boxes and boxes of junk,
but junk is treasure?

While someone finds a literary analyser to see if that made sense, I’ll tell you about next (this) week. Monday, well nothing really now my friend wont meet me. Tuesday? My first CAMHS counselling session, wow, I have a feeling that will make me feel even worse. Wednesday, a very short day of college where I plan to write more of my book afterwards. Thursday, I’ll see my GP and tell them how much I hated my counselling. Friday I’ll hopefully try to see my friend unless they decide I’m not important. And the weekend I’ll continue writing while watching the endless football on TV.

Never surrender
to the silence or dream-state
you enter at night

Yes, I am telling myself to stay awake through the night. Will I even bother turning up to college tomorrow? I will not pay attention or learn anything, I really enjoy my subjects but this depression is winning the battle at the moment. Pulling an all-nighter does stop you learning the following day. I might actually go to maths just to fall asleep.

Learn of life and love
when living the life of love
as you love your life

I think we shall stop there, as I feel the next haiku will be random letters as my face smashes the keyboard. Oh well, I’ll try to do a real post if I have the energy tomorrow (today). You have now seen one of my freestyle poems, and this post shows my haiku’s written while tired. Yeah, I can’t improve them while I tired so you could just say I freestyled these too. I can’t even think about them. Can you readers think for me, what do you think?

Take Some Haiku’s, Take Them!

So it took me a couple of hours to get to sleep last night. I’m not going to bore you with all the depressing thoughts I had but now I find it funny how my thoughts went from depressing to haiku’s last night a couple of times. I don’t know why I started thinking of haiku’s, I haven’t even looked at one for ages! There must be a secret haiku overlord watching over me saying haiku’s are the key to happiness. Well… I guess I will have to believe him/her/it (whatever this overlord is) this time. I woke while it was still dark, and decided to write a few.

Sun creeps above clouds
Ready to pounce on those who
Only see shadows

Darkness moves closer
Becoming the emptiness
Hidden in my soul

Frosty winds shoot me
But they cannot defeat me
Sadness did the job

I could hear people in the house shouting. I think if they are going to argue, at least argue over something important. It makes me sad (or sadder – I’m always sad) when my family argue over pointless things, sometimes I just blame myself so at least there is a reason for them to argue. More haiku’s anyone?

I can only see
My future, A future of
Pain and loneliness

Hashtag depression
I’ve already been labelled
But why can’t I choose

I’m probably going to spend the rest of the day depressed now. I’m not sure whether to sit writing poems, playing video games or randomly searching the internet. None are probably going to make me feel any better for the rest of the day but boredom is just as bad as depression. One more haiku before you leave.

Raindrops and teardrops
Roll down the fallen statue
Of a broken man