Why My Friends Mother Probably Wishes I Am Dead

I’ve spent all morning looking at suicide related information and videos on the internet. Then I get a call, which would be the first person I would get to talk to in two days, and it is the mother of my friend who helps me with my mental illness. They basically told me to not talk to my friend again, and that they would talk to my friend so say the same thing. They do have perfect timing with these things, nobody gives me bad news when I’m not thinking about killing myself, then again it is probably all my fault. I’ll explain.

I have this friend who helps me out with my mental illness, someone who I mention a lot on this blog because we often fall out and become friends again. We have had one major falling out in the past where I think they blocked my number, but then unblocked it and decided to become friends with me again. The more I think about it, the more I get confused. Anyway, this friend is a girl, and I’m a guy. I can’t ever imagine talking to any of my guy friends (who actually don’t care about me or talk to me) about my mental illness as they would probably laugh at me, make endless jokes and then we would go for a “Cheeky Nandos”. Something like that… So when I talk to my friend (the girl) some people will think I like her as more than a friend, because at the young age of 17 it is impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex without liking them apparently (unless you are gay, you can get away with it then). So that’s why I think my friends’ mother must hate me. I’m a guy talking to a girl, I think that could get me locked away for life.

Anyway, I’ve spent the whole morning looking at suicide related things on the internet. I’m very depressed again. I’m not sure whether it is exams, the fact I wont get to talk to anyone for a week, or just my mental illness in general, but I’m feeling a lot lower than usual (which is low anyway). As a side note, my medication has never been working so maybe they will change it. Back on topic, I decided to ring my friend because I needed someone to talk to, which is what everyone recommends you do when you are suicidal. I’m just following advice. My friend didn’t answer. But then within 30 seconds I get another call from an unknown number, which I decide to answer as it might be my friend from a different mobile. However, it is my friends mother who decides to rant on about how she doesn’t want “boys calling [name] on her mobile”. Yeah, my friend may as well quit college and move to an all girls college, graduating to become a nun. Everyone in the world is stupid.

The only other problem is probably all my fault. I have rang my friend quite a lot in the past few days, due to me getting more and more depressed. Somewhere between 20 and 30 times since Friday lunchtime, with them answering roughly one in six of them. All of them were because I was feeling lonely or depressed and needed someone to talk to. I can’t talk to my online friend due to Shabbat (the weekly Jewish festival where orthodox Jews don’t use electronic devices between Friday sunset to Saturday sunset – one of the many rules). I had no one else to talk to. During one of the calls I thought I was ringing them too much so I asked them. They said it was fine but if they don’t answer I should try to wait for them to call me back. I thought that was fine then. I’m not sure if I actually did anything wrong but I blame myself for it if I did.

So now this has me worrying about what will happen next. I’ve already cut myself several times because I think the world is going to end. Being mentally ill I tend to imagine the worst things are going to happen. I have decided that the police may arrive to take me away, to which I’ll plead insanity because either I’m insane or the rest of the world is if I’m not allowed to talk to a girl. I also imagine the college kicking me out, at which point I’ll decide to start my own online business but give up after a week because I will kill myself. I have also decided I might run away from home. I don’t know if any of these will actually happen but I guess I’m crazy.

I am meant to sit five exams next week (well on Monday I can say next week, I’m losing track of time), and I am meant to be revising for the next week to prepare. I guess I can’t do that now because I’ll probably spend the next week cutting myself while thinking about suicide. It sounds like a fun week ahead! I do get to see my GP on Friday, but I’m not looking forward it as the police might wait for me there and arrest me. I have googled whether talking to girls is a criminal offence and the internet says it is, I just hope that isn’t true. Anyway, I’m off to cut myself and make myself look even more crazy so I can plead insanity, goodbye.

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Learning Maths, Making Money And A Random Post

Okay guys, I’ve been away from blogging for a while (like I said I would, even though I keep coming back) but I thought I would share a few random things with you while I am gone. Okay, well one of them relates to my mental health (no, two actually – I’m making this up as I go along) but the others things are things that I know several of my readers may enjoy. You should all learn something by the end of this.

How To Multiply Any Two Two-Digit Numbers In Your Head
While I’ve been away from blogging I have told myself to learn some new pointless skills. On my list of pointless skills I already have beatboxing, rapping, shuffling (dancing – but I’m not very good at it so maybe it doesn’t count), knowing very little words in various languages, memorising the words to several Taylor Swift songs… The list goes on and it only gets worse. I just want to add I do have some useful skills but I don’t want you to be jealous. Anyway, I have now added a new skill to my list: multiplying two two-digit numbers in my head.

Here’s how to do it:
1) Multiply the first digit of both numbers – and stick a zero at the end
2) Multiply the first digit of number A with the last digit of number B, and vice versa
3) Add those two numbers together
4) Multiply the last digit of each number and stick it at the end of your previous answer

Here’s an example as those instructions probably didn’t make sense:
52 x 34
1) 5 x 3 = 15 (with the zero at the end becomes 150)
2) (5 x 4) + (2 x 3) = 26
3) 150 + 26 = 176
4) 2 x 4 = 8
5) Stick it at the end to get 1768

You can use your calculator to check it if you don’t believe me. This skill takes a lot of practice, first I had to memorise the actual method of doing it (I was very confused at the start – like most of you are now). Then I tried get very fast at working it out on paper, then finally moving to doing it in my head. I can now do all of the multiplications in less than 10 seconds in my head providing the numbers are written down somewhere (so I can see them). Sadly I can’t do this trick if someone just tells me two numbers but I’m working on it. I hope you all enjoy this pointless new skill.

So I Can Now Learn Lots Of Languages… But Not Become Fluent
I’ve been using this website recently called Duolingo which teaches you another language, but in a game sort of way. They have lots of languages including Spanish, French, German, Portuguese and Swedish. They have recently added Ukrainian and Norwegian with Esperanto on the way but there are many more languages that I haven’t mentioned, with even more on the way. They have an app too which you can download on most OS’s, and I would recommend this website to everybody. If you are learning a language at GCSE or A-Level (based on UK qualifications, these are taken between 14-18) then this site will definitely help you, but the only problem is it wont make you fluent (which I guess you have to speak to people to do). Check it out!

While We Are Advertising Websites… I Made Money!
For a 17 year old guy with no job and too lazy/depressed to leave his room it comes as a miracle that people can earn money online. I don’t think I could pay my way through university through this website and I hope no one quits there day job just for this but I discovered a website called Swagbucks which rewards you for doing small tasks or searching the internet. In my first month on the website I made enough money to buy 7 books from Amazon (all ranging between £4 and £20). A majority of them were either maths or computer books to add to my already large collection, which is great! I’d recommend that everyone signs up to the website to even get a small amount of money, and if you are a jobless teenager like me then this website is like heaven.

My Friendly Non-Friendy Friend Is Going To Learn About My Illness
Well, as you all know, I have depression… Maybe, not so certain, my stupid CAMHS counsellor wants to diagnose me with everything at the moment. Anyway, my friend is still talking to me and they said they will look up depression and things to do with mental illness so that they can better understand what I’m going through. I asked them to look it up a while ago but we have fell out in that time. I have also recently tried to explain some of the things I think. I just hope that they don’t get angry at me and we can stay friends, but if they don’t understand what I’m going through then it might be hard for them.

New Counsellor?
Yeah, end of June is the new estimation. That’s, well, only 2 months after the original estimate…

Loneliness Hurts!

Have you ever been lonely? I don’t mean being alone as that is something different, feeling lonely in my opinion is much worse. It is the negative side of being alone, but also something that can occur when you are surrounded with people. Loneliness is the thing that makes me cry every time I go to sleep. It’s something I wish I didn’t have to feel, but something I know I will feel tomorrow and the day after no matter how hard I try.

Today I had an exam, it was my third exam out of 13 (more than most other people I’ve talked to). I actually got to talk to people today! Last Friday I got to speak to my friend (my friend?) for about an hour, but after that I didn’t get to speak to someone until today. I did speak to someone at the shop for about 10 seconds, being able to talk to someone is one of the two reasons I go to the shop, the other to buy food. I have been feeling lonely again for obvious reasons. I texted my friend about this and they promised to talk to me yesterday after my exam yesterday… but then they ignored my texts after my exam for 2 hours so I went away from college. They texted me eventually, and said we could talk properly today.

Anyway, today! After my exam I got to speak to someone from one of my classes about the exam, we talked about how I found it easy while hey found it hard. It was maths… maths is easy… in my opinion, for some reason everyone finds it hard. I then got to speak to my counsellor from academic support! And then I got to speak to my friend! But when my friend’s friends came along, my friend had to go. See, my friend’s friends are more important than me, even though I’m told they aren’t. Now I’m depressed again.

I went home and cut myself. I’m lonely. I will get to talk to my CAMHS counsellor tomorrow but I hate them, and I still haven’t got my new counsellor. I’m also going to my GP tomorrow. My GP always wants to see me to make sure I’m alright, but I like going to them just so that I know I will get to talk to someone in the week, even if it is only for 10 minutes.

Did you hear? I’m lonely… I’ve neglected my blog too because of exams and my mental health. My suicidal thoughts are constantly up and down, I don’t know whether they were up or down in the last post but they are somewhere in the middle on this post. I’ve also neglected my lovely readers, I want to say I will actually reply to your comments this time but I feel so sad I’m not sure whether I can.

I’m lonely…

Talk Of Suicide

Suicide. Thinking about it isn’t even strange to me anymore, it is just a normal part of life. Want to know what is strange? Going an hour without thinking about killing myself. That happened once, I’m not exactly sure when but I know it happened. I’m sure there used to be a time before I was depressed that I didn’t think about suicide but I have no memories of what that felt like. I’m sure it felt good but I have no idea.

TRIGGER WARNING: There is a lot of talk about suicide. I talk about suicide on my blog a lot without including a trigger warning but I imagine this could easily trigger someone. Please don’t read if you feel like you could be triggered by talk of suicide.

Some people in my maths class were talking about suicide, it was a very strange conversation. I think most “intelligent” people lack the ability to have normal conversations, but then that makes me question how they are so intelligent. One of them said their preferred method of suicide would be to jump out of a window, that’s when I realised how stupid they actually were. Jump out of a window? I think they were also referring to the window they were standing next to, which would have probably broke their legs at most if they jumped out. Idiot. The other person said they would shoot themselves in the head. I wouldn’t trust this person to do that, I don’t think they even know how a gun works. How would they also get a gun? Gun suicide is not very common in the UK compared to America, and I wonder how a working-class teenage girl would get a gun.

Anyway, at one point I was ready to jump out and scream the best way to do it. Recently the idea of carbon monoxide suicide has come to the front of my mind. Easy, painless, you just fall asleep while it happens. How could these people not consider it? I sat silent because telling everyone I am the master of suicide plans (despite being alive?) is not the kind of thing you should say at college. Yeah, if you survive carbon monoxide suicide you will possibly have permanent brain damage but my brain already feels dead…

Tomorrow I get to go to my counsellor and tell them I hate them, I never want to talk to them again and that the medication I’m on is not working. In fact my suicidal thoughts are getting worse again. At least this medication hasn’t made me do anything stupid (yet). I overdosed on Propranolol (worst idea ever – it did almost nothing except upset my stomach and make me feel dizzy a bit) and the Fluoxetine made me so suicidal I had to go hospital. Sertraline seems to be the medication that does nothing, and I’ve been on it for almost seven weeks.

I doubt I will say those things to my counsellor, but if I could do anything it would be much worse. I have a very interesting memory of sitting in the room with my counsellor once thinking about picking up the stapler and violently bashing them repeatedly with it until I could walk out the room without a stupid comment from them (I’m sure we all get these thoughts, right?). That is one of the things I could think about while smiling. But I know that is a stupid idea now… I’m not sure how easy it is to commit suicide while in prison.

I’ve asked to speak to my friend before I go counselling tomorrow. Yeah, that friend who was my friend one month but then fell out with me, then we became friends again but fell out, and now we talk! That friend. I blame myself for our failed friendship but I guess the job of my new counsellor would be to convince me otherwise. They have agreed to talk to me for a few minutes before I leave to go counselling. I haven’t yet decided whether to cry in front of them (something I am yet to do), beg for their eternal forgiveness (but I don’t know what for yet) or to tell them they have been a bad friend to me and they need to get their act together. Actually, I will probably just say I really need someone to help me get through this, which falls somewhere between begging and telling them they have been a bad friend. Closer to begging. A lot closer to begging. I’ll probably cry. I have about 16 hours to think this over. Well.

What if this talk goes wrong? And my counselling? And that stats test tomorrow? And talking to that girl at college? Yeah, they will all go wrong. At least I have cutting. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone but I love it, I want to keep cutting all to myself. Don’t cut guys! I can cut though. I love watching the blood run out of my veins, I love the pain that I get, I love knowing that no one cares about me and I don’t either. I’m not bothered by scarring, so what. My mind is already mentally scarred by the emotional neglect I’ve received for 17 years. Even if someone loved and cared about me, the damage to my mind has already been done. I’m a failed person. Should I celebrate? Do I get a little badge for it? No, I just get scars and a face full of tears.

P.S. The featured image is old, I’ve been cutting more again…

Depression State of Mind

I have been trying to write a blog post about cutting for the last couple of days, I actually have it mostly completed but for some reason I haven’t published it yet. I get distracted a lot, and today I got distracted by my negative thoughts. Typical. This happens a lot when I’m in my very depressed state of mind, and it is something that people without depression don’t seem to understand. I might not be a typical case of depression either, every person suffers differently, but I have noticed how my mind has changed. I process words differently now and I act differently too.

I have started learning Hebrew, I will probably give up. My motivation is so that I can speak to my online friend in her first language. Just as a side note I wrote “I will probably give up” just as the words came out of my head, this is no trick based on the subject of my post. I do give up on things a lot more now that I’m depressed, I tend to think I’m not good enough, or I think whatever I am trying is going to fail anyway so there is no point in trying. Some might say that is low self-esteem or a pessimistic view on life, and it might be. However I didn’t think like this before I got depression, and if I ever get back to my non-depressed self I’m sure I wont be thinking like this. It is a part of depression.

Anyway, back onto what I was going to say. On the main website I use to communicate with my online friend you can see when someone has read your message, which for me is a horrible feature. It’s not because I read people’s messages without replying, it is because whenever someone does not reply to one of my messages I get really upset. I don’t mean upset as in I’ll be sad for a few minutes and then message someone else, I mean extremely upset. Within a few minutes I’ll start using myself as the reason they didn’t reply, and then a few minutes later I’ll start thinking that they hate me, which then leads onto thinking everyone hates me. At some point I’ll either start self-harming or I’ll think about suicide. This will sound extreme to anyone who doesn’t suffer from a mental illness, and many of you who do will also think it is extreme. To me this is a normal part of my life. My friend will sometimes only read the message and then they will come back on a few hours later to reply, either because I’ve sent them a really long message (English is not their first language so reading a long message and replying in English is not ideal for them) or because they have work, school or religious commitments. They do reply later but by that time I have gone through the whole “everyone hates me” cycle. I’ve drawn a nice flow chart to show my thoughts.

DepressionlessThinkingFlowChart

I’m sure I’m starting to sound crazy or emotional unstable. When I absolutely hate myself I will say I’m crazy, other times I will just call myself emotionally unstable. These events do not just apply to my online friend. I have another “friend” who was going to meet me a few weeks ago, and within 10 minutes of them cancelling I decided that everyone hates me. Fortunately I didn’t have anything to self-harm with at the time, but my college now knows I sometimes punch trees as a form of self-harm which means I can self-harm in more places. It’s not just friends, family is even worse. I cannot stand my family, and I am convinced they all hate me. That is a whole different story, and I’ve been told by my college counsellor that I have a credible reason for it. Other things that get me upset? My favourite football team losing, dropping objects… yeah, dropping objects is a crazy one, this doesn’t really trigger me a lot but it has in the past. Well, you can only blame yourself if you drop something (unless someone pushes you).

This mind-set does not apply to every case of depression, and it doesn’t only apply to depression. People of various different mental illnesses can have this mind-set. The problem is I don’t know how you could help a friend with this mind-set without changing your plans. My online friend could reply every time they read my message, but it could take them 5 minutes to read and reply to a long message which means they could run late for something (especially her religious Shabbat, she’s not allowed to send me messages during that time and she can’t exactly be late for it). Or she could just not read my message until she knows she has enough time to reply, but I also get upset when she comes online without reading my message. Maybe she shouldn’t come online? Then I’ll either get worried about her or I’ll think she hates me. Basically, there is nothing she can do about it to stop me getting upset.

We have argued in the past, before either of us realised that I had a mental illness. She even stopped talking to me when it got bad and I would constantly threaten to kill myself. Those arguments were bad because neither of us understood how my mind works, fortunately we do now. Occasionally I will send her messages like “Why do you hate me?”, “Stop ignoring me” or “Please talk to me”. She understands how my mind works now. She doesn’t always stay online and talk for hours when I say these things, but she knows I’m in this state of mind again and she’s talk me out of it. I’m very lucky to have a friend like her even if she is just an online friend. A lot of online friends, or even real friends, could just stop talking to me forever. When someone understands the illness they are more sympathetic. I don’t expect her to talk care of me, and if I did something really offensive I wouldn’t expect her to talk to me. When we have an understanding of each other, our friendship can work.

I guess this applies to every relationship you have in your life, if you don’t understand or get along with the other person then the relationship will fail. However I think this is particularly important to relationships with people suffering from mental illnesses, and you need to have some sort of education on the subject. I might always think that everyone hates me, and I might always get too emotional over small things. The best I can hope for is that the people around me understand what I’m going through, and I’m happy to settle for that.

You’re Lucky To Have Someone

You should never judge a book by its cover, and you never judge a person based on their appearance. If someone looked at me they would see a happy, healthy individual. Even if someone spoke to me casually they would hear an intelligent person who is content with their life. If the ability to read minds existed, someone who read my mind would a sad story about a lonely guy who wants to give up on everything. Yes readers, I’m still alive, I’m still here, and I’m still wishing I wasn’t.

Tuesday was one of the worst days for me. Things were getting better, or at least my mind was telling me it was. But I didn’t see the warning signals. My readers will know I have a friend who has stuck with me through my mental health saga starting before my blog began, and they have helped me considerably. I never thought they would leave me. I always wondered whether I was hurting them, I always wondered whether I was doing something wrong. They didn’t talk about it to me though, so things must have been bad, and they were slowly withdrawing themselves from me. I should have seen this, I could have put everything right… After accidentally hurting their feelings on Monday (with a joke they took the wrong way) I tried to ring them on Tuesday night. I tried to ring them but I was put straight through to voicemail. I tried ringing them later but the same thing happened. So being paranoid I tried ringing from a different number, and they answered. I said “hello”, and there was silence for a minute, I said “hello” again and they hung up. I was blocked…

I haven’t tried to speak to them since this happened, I am giving them space based on the advice on my college counsellor. I did see my friend (if I can still call them that) on Friday and I smiled at them, but they looked away with a disgusted look on their face. Until my mind is tricking me again I think it is safe to say they hate me. I want to put things right, I want to know that I never meant to hurt them (which has happened a few times, and I’ve apologised for it, and they’ve accepted them) but I guess I have done it one time to many. I wonder if this has happened with all my other friendships, I wonder if I am a bad person. I am left with no one now.

I have been in contact with Childline a lot more recently, sometimes I just go on their website just for someone to talk to. I have also been seeing my college counsellor more frequently after a period of seeing them less, which I am again doing sometimes just for someone to talk to. I will pop in their department just for a 2 minute chat in between lessons, and I will often spend my lunchtime in the area. I have been walking home with some people who I am certain hate me, but it is best chance I have of spending time with people my age outside of the classroom. They used to be my friends but I’m sure they hate me now, and I wonder if I should just stop trying with them, but I don’t want to be lonely. This is how my relationship is with everyone, it is sad but it is the truth.

If you are reading this and you know you have someone to talk to you are lucky. I don’t have that, I wish I did. If I were to make a bucket list the first thing on it would be to find someone who cares about me. I am convinced if I kill myself there will not be a funeral. I haven’t mentioned my family so far in this post, and I’m mentioning them now just to tell you how they are insignificant in my life. My parents were arguing again at dinner (sort of together, we were all in the same room), I’m sure they don’t love each other. If they don’t love each other, how can they love me? Sad, right?

A slightly better thing to note is that I should be getting another CAMHS counsellor soon. They work in behaviour therapy which is different to my current general counsellor, so I am not sure whether I will still be seeing both but I would like to leave the one that I currently hate. The new one will be someone I met at the hospital once, I requested them because I have met them and I got along with them when I spoke to them before. That could be over a month away due to the waiting list, but I will wait for them.

No friends anymore… I don’t have anyone. Yes, I’ve come crawling back to my readers. Forgive me, I was confused. Hopefully I’ll find someone soon who wants to spend time with me, but this time I wont tell them as much about my mental illness, and I’ll try not to talk to them as much. That is what I presume I did wrong with my old friend, but they never told me anything was wrong so I have to guess. Oh well, I will keep trying. I will keep hoping. Depressionless out.

P.S. I’m self-harming less…

First Hug February

I’ve never had a hug… never… this is so sad right? Well, yeah, I’m 17 so I should have had a hug by now. But no, that’s why next month I am going to try and get a hug, my first ever hug. But first…

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

BFMH2015

So I am joining the Blog For Mental Health Project, I saw the project last year when I started blogging but the year was almost over so I thought I would wait until the 2015 project started. And here it is! Everyone who reads my blog knows I struggle with my mental health everyday, but I also like to share my experiences and help others which is what I hope I can do through this project. So I am participating, and I hope you do too! Click here to read more about Blog For Mental Health 2015!

I Will Try To Get My First Hug
Next month will be called First Hug February. As you may remember from one of my previous posts, I have never had a hug. As a 17 year old guy (somebody thought I was a girl, why?) it seems strange to me that I’ve never had a hug. I know there is a stereotype that guys can’t show emotions but I really want to know what it feels like.

I spent an hour and a half crying yesterday because I was thinking about never being hugged. This was while I was alone at night, in my bed. After about 30 minutes I started to search on the internet what it feels like to be hugged, and it made me want a hug even more. I then went on Youtube and searched how to hug so I could prepare for the day it happens!

Honestly, I’m not exactly sure how you hug someone. Do you just put your arms around them? I’m worried that I might do it wrong, I don’t have the experience that everyone else has. I’m also worrying how long do I hug someone for? I want to hug someone for a couple hours so I can make up for the time I missed. I hugged my pillow last night for at least half an hour, but I don’t think I can do that to a person.

So... this is how you hug...

So… this is how you hug…

I’ve decided that I might hug my friend (the friend who knows about my depression) if I see them on Monday. They are a girl so I don’t want to make things awkward, but I can’t imagine hugging any guys that I know. I’m not sure whether to tell them before that I’ve never been hugged because I’ll probably start crying when I hug them which will make things even more awkward, I presume. As you can tell, I am worrying a lot about this. It never bothered me before my depression started, but now I really want a hug. My other option is to hug a random stranger… but they might get angry at me…

Anyway, as you can see I have thought about this for a long time. I want to have my first hug, I really do! What should I do? Readers, I need some hugging advice, help me hug! And yeah, I know I’m overthinking all of this but it means so much to me, you probably don’t understand. If you know someone with depression, give them a hug, I hope my friend reads this. When I get my hug I will tell you as it will be the happiest I have ever been…