Why My Friends Mother Probably Wishes I Am Dead

I’ve spent all morning looking at suicide related information and videos on the internet. Then I get a call, which would be the first person I would get to talk to in two days, and it is the mother of my friend who helps me with my mental illness. They basically told me to not talk to my friend again, and that they would talk to my friend so say the same thing. They do have perfect timing with these things, nobody gives me bad news when I’m not thinking about killing myself, then again it is probably all my fault. I’ll explain.

I have this friend who helps me out with my mental illness, someone who I mention a lot on this blog because we often fall out and become friends again. We have had one major falling out in the past where I think they blocked my number, but then unblocked it and decided to become friends with me again. The more I think about it, the more I get confused. Anyway, this friend is a girl, and I’m a guy. I can’t ever imagine talking to any of my guy friends (who actually don’t care about me or talk to me) about my mental illness as they would probably laugh at me, make endless jokes and then we would go for a “Cheeky Nandos”. Something like that… So when I talk to my friend (the girl) some people will think I like her as more than a friend, because at the young age of 17 it is impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex without liking them apparently (unless you are gay, you can get away with it then). So that’s why I think my friends’ mother must hate me. I’m a guy talking to a girl, I think that could get me locked away for life.

Anyway, I’ve spent the whole morning looking at suicide related things on the internet. I’m very depressed again. I’m not sure whether it is exams, the fact I wont get to talk to anyone for a week, or just my mental illness in general, but I’m feeling a lot lower than usual (which is low anyway). As a side note, my medication has never been working so maybe they will change it. Back on topic, I decided to ring my friend because I needed someone to talk to, which is what everyone recommends you do when you are suicidal. I’m just following advice. My friend didn’t answer. But then within 30 seconds I get another call from an unknown number, which I decide to answer as it might be my friend from a different mobile. However, it is my friends mother who decides to rant on about how she doesn’t want “boys calling [name] on her mobile”. Yeah, my friend may as well quit college and move to an all girls college, graduating to become a nun. Everyone in the world is stupid.

The only other problem is probably all my fault. I have rang my friend quite a lot in the past few days, due to me getting more and more depressed. Somewhere between 20 and 30 times since Friday lunchtime, with them answering roughly one in six of them. All of them were because I was feeling lonely or depressed and needed someone to talk to. I can’t talk to my online friend due to Shabbat (the weekly Jewish festival where orthodox Jews don’t use electronic devices between Friday sunset to Saturday sunset – one of the many rules). I had no one else to talk to. During one of the calls I thought I was ringing them too much so I asked them. They said it was fine but if they don’t answer I should try to wait for them to call me back. I thought that was fine then. I’m not sure if I actually did anything wrong but I blame myself for it if I did.

So now this has me worrying about what will happen next. I’ve already cut myself several times because I think the world is going to end. Being mentally ill I tend to imagine the worst things are going to happen. I have decided that the police may arrive to take me away, to which I’ll plead insanity because either I’m insane or the rest of the world is if I’m not allowed to talk to a girl. I also imagine the college kicking me out, at which point I’ll decide to start my own online business but give up after a week because I will kill myself. I have also decided I might run away from home. I don’t know if any of these will actually happen but I guess I’m crazy.

I am meant to sit five exams next week (well on Monday I can say next week, I’m losing track of time), and I am meant to be revising for the next week to prepare. I guess I can’t do that now because I’ll probably spend the next week cutting myself while thinking about suicide. It sounds like a fun week ahead! I do get to see my GP on Friday, but I’m not looking forward it as the police might wait for me there and arrest me. I have googled whether talking to girls is a criminal offence and the internet says it is, I just hope that isn’t true. Anyway, I’m off to cut myself and make myself look even more crazy so I can plead insanity, goodbye.

Loneliness Hurts!

Have you ever been lonely? I don’t mean being alone as that is something different, feeling lonely in my opinion is much worse. It is the negative side of being alone, but also something that can occur when you are surrounded with people. Loneliness is the thing that makes me cry every time I go to sleep. It’s something I wish I didn’t have to feel, but something I know I will feel tomorrow and the day after no matter how hard I try.

Today I had an exam, it was my third exam out of 13 (more than most other people I’ve talked to). I actually got to talk to people today! Last Friday I got to speak to my friend (my friend?) for about an hour, but after that I didn’t get to speak to someone until today. I did speak to someone at the shop for about 10 seconds, being able to talk to someone is one of the two reasons I go to the shop, the other to buy food. I have been feeling lonely again for obvious reasons. I texted my friend about this and they promised to talk to me yesterday after my exam yesterday… but then they ignored my texts after my exam for 2 hours so I went away from college. They texted me eventually, and said we could talk properly today.

Anyway, today! After my exam I got to speak to someone from one of my classes about the exam, we talked about how I found it easy while hey found it hard. It was maths… maths is easy… in my opinion, for some reason everyone finds it hard. I then got to speak to my counsellor from academic support! And then I got to speak to my friend! But when my friend’s friends came along, my friend had to go. See, my friend’s friends are more important than me, even though I’m told they aren’t. Now I’m depressed again.

I went home and cut myself. I’m lonely. I will get to talk to my CAMHS counsellor tomorrow but I hate them, and I still haven’t got my new counsellor. I’m also going to my GP tomorrow. My GP always wants to see me to make sure I’m alright, but I like going to them just so that I know I will get to talk to someone in the week, even if it is only for 10 minutes.

Did you hear? I’m lonely… I’ve neglected my blog too because of exams and my mental health. My suicidal thoughts are constantly up and down, I don’t know whether they were up or down in the last post but they are somewhere in the middle on this post. I’ve also neglected my lovely readers, I want to say I will actually reply to your comments this time but I feel so sad I’m not sure whether I can.

I’m lonely…