The thought which has hit me today… I have no reason to live! I have a reason to die, to end the torture that goes on in my mind, but I don’t have a reason to stay alive. Yesterday was one of the happiest days I had in a while, even though nothing spectacular happened I managed to spend an evening without having a suicidal thought. I did not even realise this until today when I was meant to be meeting my friend at lunch, the first time this month that someone was going to spend some time with me. This is probably why I was happy yesterday evening, but I knew it would not turn out how I would have hoped.
Since my depression started my friends started to leave me, although they did not know about my mental health. I have made a few friends since my depression started too, but they don’t seem to care about me. Apparently a friend is meant to care about me, which makes me think I don’t have any friends, and makes me question whether I have actually ever had a friend. If that is the only criteria for friendship my family might not even be friends with me. You have to talk to friends as well, which definitely cancels my family out of the equation. But this friend who I was going to meet today does talk to me, and I thought they cared about me. I haven’t really spent time with them since the overdose (a few weeks ago) which makes me question whether they don’t care. We used to spent some time together, and they have been talking to me since the overdose but they don’t seem to want to spend time with me.
So what happened today? Well, I met them outside of their lesson at lunch as we had planned. As soon as I saw them they said I was going to the lunch area with them, I don’t get a say in it or else they wont spend lunch with me. So I followed them, they then wanted me to meet all of their friends that I don’t know, and spend lunch with them which means I can’t talk to my friend about any of my problems. They probably don’t want to talk about it but we haven’t even spoke about my depression in a few weeks except for the overdose and when I went hospital. What’s worse is that as soon as I would have met my friends’ friends my friend probably would have left me. That would have meant I would have been left with a bunch of strangers who wouldn’t talk to me. That’s why I told my friend I don’t want to go to the lunch zone, which resulted in me spending lunch alone.
Lunch alone? Yes, and I spent it crying. Probably a good 30 minutes crying. After going toilet and talking to the college counsellor I sat back down so I could cry some more. Whilst crying it struck me that I have no one that cares about me again. I am only living for myself at the moment. Even sadder, I don’t even like myself, I was I could chance myself. I don’t know what I don’t like about myself but there must be something which is repelling all the people away from me, it can’t just be other peoples problem. So what do I have to live for? I’m beginning to fail at college, which puts my dream job into doubts. Like I said, I have no one to live for. I have stopped with all of my hobbies since my depression began and I don’t see the point in restarting them. I spend every day fighting against my own mind. So… nothing to live for.
This evening I was looking at suicide prevention online, and seeing what to do. Firstly, delay my actions. Well, I have been delaying them since I got out of hospital so I think that surpasses the 48 hours they recommended. Next, make the environment safe. The only way I can do that is by shutting down my mind, I am not safe while I can think, wait… that means kill myself. What else? Call someone. I tried calling my friend, they didn’t answer. I have no one else to call. Stop drinking or using drugs. I don’t, but it sounds appealing. I don’t drink but after getting out of hospital a week ago I tried some alcohol, and I tried some more, and some more. This was only in one night and I didn’t get drunk but I didn’t feel like I hated myself. That is the only thing I can think of at the moment to get rid of my suicidal thoughts. That’s one option, what else? Get professional help. Well, I will see my counsellor tomorrow which is professional help but they are probably going to make me want to kill myself even more. Finally, know that people get through this. Okay, but I don’t see how I can.
I’ve checked what I can do and it doesn’t look promising. I cut myself earlier too, and I think I will continue with that until I don’t absolutely hate myself, then I might get a drink to get rid of my suicidal thoughts. I do hope I can go through with the suicide next time I try it, I don’t actually have anything to live for this time so that should make it easier. See you next post… if I make it until then…