Why My Friends Mother Probably Wishes I Am Dead

I’ve spent all morning looking at suicide related information and videos on the internet. Then I get a call, which would be the first person I would get to talk to in two days, and it is the mother of my friend who helps me with my mental illness. They basically told me to not talk to my friend again, and that they would talk to my friend so say the same thing. They do have perfect timing with these things, nobody gives me bad news when I’m not thinking about killing myself, then again it is probably all my fault. I’ll explain.

I have this friend who helps me out with my mental illness, someone who I mention a lot on this blog because we often fall out and become friends again. We have had one major falling out in the past where I think they blocked my number, but then unblocked it and decided to become friends with me again. The more I think about it, the more I get confused. Anyway, this friend is a girl, and I’m a guy. I can’t ever imagine talking to any of my guy friends (who actually don’t care about me or talk to me) about my mental illness as they would probably laugh at me, make endless jokes and then we would go for a “Cheeky Nandos”. Something like that… So when I talk to my friend (the girl) some people will think I like her as more than a friend, because at the young age of 17 it is impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex without liking them apparently (unless you are gay, you can get away with it then). So that’s why I think my friends’ mother must hate me. I’m a guy talking to a girl, I think that could get me locked away for life.

Anyway, I’ve spent the whole morning looking at suicide related things on the internet. I’m very depressed again. I’m not sure whether it is exams, the fact I wont get to talk to anyone for a week, or just my mental illness in general, but I’m feeling a lot lower than usual (which is low anyway). As a side note, my medication has never been working so maybe they will change it. Back on topic, I decided to ring my friend because I needed someone to talk to, which is what everyone recommends you do when you are suicidal. I’m just following advice. My friend didn’t answer. But then within 30 seconds I get another call from an unknown number, which I decide to answer as it might be my friend from a different mobile. However, it is my friends mother who decides to rant on about how she doesn’t want “boys calling [name] on her mobile”. Yeah, my friend may as well quit college and move to an all girls college, graduating to become a nun. Everyone in the world is stupid.

The only other problem is probably all my fault. I have rang my friend quite a lot in the past few days, due to me getting more and more depressed. Somewhere between 20 and 30 times since Friday lunchtime, with them answering roughly one in six of them. All of them were because I was feeling lonely or depressed and needed someone to talk to. I can’t talk to my online friend due to Shabbat (the weekly Jewish festival where orthodox Jews don’t use electronic devices between Friday sunset to Saturday sunset – one of the many rules). I had no one else to talk to. During one of the calls I thought I was ringing them too much so I asked them. They said it was fine but if they don’t answer I should try to wait for them to call me back. I thought that was fine then. I’m not sure if I actually did anything wrong but I blame myself for it if I did.

So now this has me worrying about what will happen next. I’ve already cut myself several times because I think the world is going to end. Being mentally ill I tend to imagine the worst things are going to happen. I have decided that the police may arrive to take me away, to which I’ll plead insanity because either I’m insane or the rest of the world is if I’m not allowed to talk to a girl. I also imagine the college kicking me out, at which point I’ll decide to start my own online business but give up after a week because I will kill myself. I have also decided I might run away from home. I don’t know if any of these will actually happen but I guess I’m crazy.

I am meant to sit five exams next week (well on Monday I can say next week, I’m losing track of time), and I am meant to be revising for the next week to prepare. I guess I can’t do that now because I’ll probably spend the next week cutting myself while thinking about suicide. It sounds like a fun week ahead! I do get to see my GP on Friday, but I’m not looking forward it as the police might wait for me there and arrest me. I have googled whether talking to girls is a criminal offence and the internet says it is, I just hope that isn’t true. Anyway, I’m off to cut myself and make myself look even more crazy so I can plead insanity, goodbye.

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Loneliness Hurts!

Have you ever been lonely? I don’t mean being alone as that is something different, feeling lonely in my opinion is much worse. It is the negative side of being alone, but also something that can occur when you are surrounded with people. Loneliness is the thing that makes me cry every time I go to sleep. It’s something I wish I didn’t have to feel, but something I know I will feel tomorrow and the day after no matter how hard I try.

Today I had an exam, it was my third exam out of 13 (more than most other people I’ve talked to). I actually got to talk to people today! Last Friday I got to speak to my friend (my friend?) for about an hour, but after that I didn’t get to speak to someone until today. I did speak to someone at the shop for about 10 seconds, being able to talk to someone is one of the two reasons I go to the shop, the other to buy food. I have been feeling lonely again for obvious reasons. I texted my friend about this and they promised to talk to me yesterday after my exam yesterday… but then they ignored my texts after my exam for 2 hours so I went away from college. They texted me eventually, and said we could talk properly today.

Anyway, today! After my exam I got to speak to someone from one of my classes about the exam, we talked about how I found it easy while hey found it hard. It was maths… maths is easy… in my opinion, for some reason everyone finds it hard. I then got to speak to my counsellor from academic support! And then I got to speak to my friend! But when my friend’s friends came along, my friend had to go. See, my friend’s friends are more important than me, even though I’m told they aren’t. Now I’m depressed again.

I went home and cut myself. I’m lonely. I will get to talk to my CAMHS counsellor tomorrow but I hate them, and I still haven’t got my new counsellor. I’m also going to my GP tomorrow. My GP always wants to see me to make sure I’m alright, but I like going to them just so that I know I will get to talk to someone in the week, even if it is only for 10 minutes.

Did you hear? I’m lonely… I’ve neglected my blog too because of exams and my mental health. My suicidal thoughts are constantly up and down, I don’t know whether they were up or down in the last post but they are somewhere in the middle on this post. I’ve also neglected my lovely readers, I want to say I will actually reply to your comments this time but I feel so sad I’m not sure whether I can.

I’m lonely…

Counting Cuts – How Many Can I Do?

Yeah, whatever mental illness I am suffering from, it is definitely getting worse again! Today I decided I would cut myself 49 times, one for each day I have been on this medication that is doing absolutely nothing for me. My suicidal thoughts are on the way back up after I thought the medication was making them go down, my cutting is also on the way back up and I’m still feeling as sad and as isolated as ever. As someone who is sitting real exams in a few weeks, this could not have come at a worse time. So today, what happened?

I went to counselling today. I decided I would give my counsellor the silent treatment. This was the first time I had seen them in 4 weeks (they didn’t want to see me sooner), and also the first time I had seen them after receiving the strange letter. I hate them. I said to my friend earlier in the day that I wouldn’t mind if my counsellor jumped off a cliff, obviously I don’t mean that, I think I let my emotions get the better of me as I would never want anyone to commit suicide, but I think that shows how much I hate them. I didn’t want to talk to them and I wanted them to know it. I want my new counsellor to come as soon as possible.

My cuts tally...

My cuts tally…

My counsellor just made me feel worse, while sitting in that room listening to them try to get an answer out of me I knew I was going to go home and cut. I wasn’t planning to do anything like I did but I could see something coming. I got home after counselling and was normal for a few hours… or normal for me. I went to my room and cried for a bit then played a game on my phone. I haven’t been able to concentrate on exam revision very well for a while so it is not surprising that I didn’t get any done. But after I had dinner it went downhill. I decided that I had to do one cut for every day this new medication had failed me, so I checked out the calendar and counted how many days I had been taking it. 1, 2, 3… 47, 48, 49! 49 days of failed medication! I have been on my medication for 7 weeks and I don’t feel worse. I guess I deserve these 49 cuts.

I did two cuts and thought I wasn’t going to reach 49. I stopped for about 5 minutes. However, I am someone who doesn’t give up easily so I kept going. I reached 7 cuts quite early on before realising I shouldn’t be doing a tally of my cuts, let alone attempt to reach 49 cuts. I distracted myself with my phone again but I was constantly feeling sadder every minute as I thought about how my week had gone so far. I don’t know how but I made it to 10 cuts while still on my phone. Distracting myself was clearly not working. 12. 15. 18. 20. I had got to 20 cuts when I decided enough was enough.

Click here to read about my self-harm record from a few months ago, which has been broken a lot since.

I attempted to do some revision but it failed. I did two more cuts which takes my total to 22. I still have 3 hours left in the day and I have no idea what I will do. I don’t know whether to stop, I don’t know whether to try to reach 49 cuts. I am confused.

The Worst Symptoms of Depression

Depression, one of the most talked about topics on my blog with suicide and counselling but I’ll have to talk about it again as it is the theme of the day for my Blogging A to Z challenge. I thought I would take a slightly different approach from moaning about my life… so I’ll moan about my symptoms. Well, kind of. Today I shall talk about the symptoms of depression that annoy me the most, besides the obvious feeling very, very sad.

Symptoms Of Depression
Well, how can we decide on the most annoying symptoms if we don’t even know them? I’ve taken these from the NHS website, so check that out if you want more information.

Psychological symptoms include:
– continuous low mood or sadness
– feeling hopeless and helpless
– having low self-esteem
– feeling tearful
– feeling guilt-ridden
– feeling irritable and intolerant of others
– having no motivation or interest in things
– finding it difficult to make decisions
– not getting any enjoyment out of life
– feeling anxious or worried
– having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself

Physical symptoms include:
– moving or speaking more slowly than usual
– change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)
– constipation
– unexplained aches and pains
– lack of energy or lack of interest in sex (loss of libido)
– changes to your menstrual cycle
– disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)

Social symptoms include:
– not doing well at work
– taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
– neglecting your hobbies and interests
– having difficulties in your home and family life

Please note that I don’t suffer from all of these symptoms, if my menstrual cycle changed (or even if I, as a guy, managed to have one) I would be claiming to have something quite different from depression.

Disturbed Sleep
Have you ever had a list of things to do and you know the exact order you want to do them? I often have lists which go similar to “write a blog post, do some college revision, message my friend, go to sleep”. This symptom of depression can often make me do the list backwards, meaning I fall asleep first! Last week I was struggling to stay awake past 9pm while the week before there were nights I stayed awake until 2am. I’m not actually sure whether depression is meant to do that, I always thought depression either made you unable to sleep, or sleep too much, not both! The lack of revision due to my sleepiness will probably make my exams much harder, but I dread to think what will happen if I don’t get any sleep before my exam. This is one of the most annoying symptoms for me, especially when you are forced to listen to Taylor Swift at 4am because you have ran out of songs to listen to after staying awake all night…

Neglecting Your Hobbies And Interests
Yes, this counts as a symptom. The worst thing about this symptom is that I know if I do my hobbies I will feel better. If I go for a run I will feel better. If I program something interesting on the computer I will feel better. However for some reason my mind has decided I am only allowed to think about my hobbies, actually doing them is banned whilst suffering from depression. What is also annoying is that this then forces me to sit at home on my laptop thinking about how sad I am, so I feel even worse. When I manage to pickup my hobbies again I will feel so much better. Have I used the word “feel” too much yet? It’s probably because I feel bad about neglecting my hobbies.

Having Suicidal and Self-Harm Thoughts
Nothing will make you feel better than thinking about harming and killing yourself… wrong! Nothing will make you feel worse. Suicide is one of the most talked about topics on my blog so this symptom is probably annoying both my readers and me. I dream of the day where I don’t think about harming myself, I really do, and I know when that day comes I will have made significant progress with my mental health. Seriously, this symptom appears everywhere. Having a shower? Yeah, I might kill myself later. Eating my breakfast? Oh, I need to cut myself now. Brushing my teeth? Oh, I could always brush too hard and make my gums bleed (I’ve not actually done that but I’m pretty sure it’s possible). This pattern of thought continues throughout the whole day so it gets annoying pretty fast.

Feeling Sad
Okay, okay, I said I wont mention it, but how can I not include it on this list. It goes without saying, feeling depressed is one of the most common, most annoying and most frequent symptom of depression. You might think you are having it tough when you are sad for half a day, try living with depression.

If I am honest, I could probably think of a reason for every symptom to be on this list, they are all so horrible. Things like this make me wish there were a magic cure for depression, but then I wonder what I would blog about! Besides the obvious ones, what would you say is the most annoying symptoms of your mental illness are? Don’t have a mental illness? Just speculate.


This post is part of my Blogging A to Z April Challenge. The theme for today is “depression”. Fortunately tomorrow the challenge gives me a break, so don’t expect anything, although I may have a surprise for my followers (note the use of the word “may”).

CAMHS: That Counselling Service I Love And Hate

CAMHS… The way I talk about my counselling, the nations counselling service for children and teenagers, you might think it is closer to hell than helpful. I’ll be fair and say I have experienced some good aspects of CAMHS in the few months I have been under their service, but at the same time I have had experiences that have only made my mental health worse. Yes, it is time for me to revisit the tales of my dreaded counsellor who managed to invent 13 people and allowed me to go home with a plan to kill myself. Today, I’ll talk about my experiences with CAMHS.

Well, when I first got the letter for my CAMHS counselling session I was excited. I had been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for months. In my eyes CAMHS was this miracle service that could end my depression and keep me on the right track to lead a “normal” life. I had read stories on the internet about people who had gone to CAMHS and received no help but that did not worry me as I had also read stories of the complete opposite. I knew if I did not get help soon (I was already seeing my GP but they not meant to be as good with mental health as CAMHS) I would probably end up doing something I would regret… or something I wouldn’t be able to regret. I started with CAMHS straight after New Years, it was on the first week of 2015.

I met my counsellor, I didn’t like my counsellor, they are probably the reason why I hate CAMHS so much. But at the time I met them I had only talked to one other person from CAMHS who I met at the hospital, and they were not nice to me. So now I had met two people from the same organisation who weren’t helpful, in fact they both made me feel worse. What did my counsellor do you might be thinking, I’ll tell you.

We’ll start off small. My counsellor is meant to talk through my problems with me, and when they have an idea or solution they also talk through that with me. Maybe these health professionals are also meant to jump to strange conclusions, but I doubt it. One time early in my counselling I was asked if I had ever drank alcohol, and I said yes as most teenagers have drank alcohol. I was then asked how often I drink alcohol to which I replied I don’t really drink alcohol very often. I am not sure whether my counsellor decided I am hiding something but even after talking to my dad about it she believes I drink regularly. I was in the room when she talked to my dad and my dad said I don’t really drink alcohol. This is one of the mysteries of CAMHS. The same happened when she asked if any of my friends drink or take drugs, and I said I do have friends who smoke occasionally. Apparently this means my friends have drinking and drug problems. That doesn’t make sense to me, another one of the mysteries of CAMHS.

My counsellor does make up things that I’ve never said quite frequently. They have managed to invent 11 friends I’ve never had while at the same time invent a dad and a sister that I’ve never had (unless I have a second dad and sister hiding somewhere). They’ve managed to make up events that have never happened such as panic attacks, which is why they have probably diagnosed me with mixed depressive and anxiety disorder, something they have never discussed with me and something I believe is wrong. If they make up so much stuff how can I believe their diagnosis? In fact I have my own rule which is whatever they diagnose me with is wrong. The worst part about all of this is that they broke confidentiality and sent all the wrong information to my parents in a letter. Fortunately the letter also had my name on it so I managed to get it before my parents, they never saw it.

This is not the worst thing about my counsellor. Imagine having a plan to kill yourself, trying to receive help, and the one person who is meant to help you the most has decided you don’t need help and sends you home with a plan to kill yourself. That is not quite what happened but it is close. One time, my counsellor could not be bothered to talk to me so they gave me a questionnaire to fill in while they left me alone in the room. The questionnaire had over 100 questions and took me a while to complete. Some of the questions were related to suicide, and one asked me if I had a plan to kill myself. I said yes. At the time I did not actually have a plan to kill myself but I was very suicidal and wanted some help, I was foolish to think my counsellor would help me. They read the questionnaire after and asked me about my plan, they then went to talk to their supervisor and came back deciding that I don’t need any help. They sent me home. That has taught me not to go to my counsellor when I actually do have a plan, I’ll go straight to the hospital instead. Maybe there they can actually help me.

And they can. The hospital is where I have experienced the better side of CAMHS. Twice I have gone to the hospital to see an out-of-hours CAMHS person whilst being under the service, the only other time was before I started with CAMHS and met a horrible person but I tend to forget about that. The first time I met a man who worked for CAMHS, this was when I had been prescribed some new medication which was making me more suicidal, a common side effect for teenagers apparently. This man so kind to me, we talked about video games for a while when we were meant to be talking about my suicidal thoughts, but actually that made me less suicidal. I don’t know whether that was his plan but it worked. He also realised it was the medication making me more suicidal and gave me a plan to stop the medication, and spoke to my counsellor asking to start new medication as soon as possible. That was a great experience. During this same visit to the hospital my parents arrived and started shouting at me, and a woman working at the hospital allowed me to stay in a separate area away from my parents. That may sound small but it meant so much to me. This visit to the hospital was the first time I realised that CAMHS was there to help me.

The second visit to the hospital was also a good experience, or at least as good as it can get while being suicidal. I had stabbed myself and was wanting to see a mental health worker to talk to about my suicidal thoughts. They told me an out-of-hours CAMHS worker was on their way. After waiting all night for this CAMHS person to appear, they finally did in the early hours of the morning. Our conversation did not seem long to me although it was over an hour, we talked about how life was for me an general and why I had come to the hospital specifically this time. They were very kind to me and they helped me a lot, we came up with a care plan that my CAMHS counsellor never did. I have actually requested that I have regular meeting with this person instead of my current counsellor, which would probably be the greatest thing CAMHS could do for me at that point.

So while my CAMHS counsellor is horrible and probably makes me feel worse, I know that there are people in the service who can help. When I look at CAMHS reviews online they always get very positive reviews or very negative reviews, and I can see why. CAMHS seems like a great service but it always depends who you talk to as that is the main thing about the service, it is mostly about talking. To anyone who has to start with CAMHS I would recommend trying it out, you can always request a different counsellor, or stop all together. At least if you try you might get help and you might get better. Now I’m hoping for my counsellor to be changed soon, the sooner the better…


This post is part of my Blogging A to Z April Challenge. The theme for yesterday was meant to be “CAMHS” but I fell asleep very early and could not publish it, so I’ve published it this morning. Later today I was focus on depression, the main theme of my blog. Watch this space!

Depression State of Mind

I have been trying to write a blog post about cutting for the last couple of days, I actually have it mostly completed but for some reason I haven’t published it yet. I get distracted a lot, and today I got distracted by my negative thoughts. Typical. This happens a lot when I’m in my very depressed state of mind, and it is something that people without depression don’t seem to understand. I might not be a typical case of depression either, every person suffers differently, but I have noticed how my mind has changed. I process words differently now and I act differently too.

I have started learning Hebrew, I will probably give up. My motivation is so that I can speak to my online friend in her first language. Just as a side note I wrote “I will probably give up” just as the words came out of my head, this is no trick based on the subject of my post. I do give up on things a lot more now that I’m depressed, I tend to think I’m not good enough, or I think whatever I am trying is going to fail anyway so there is no point in trying. Some might say that is low self-esteem or a pessimistic view on life, and it might be. However I didn’t think like this before I got depression, and if I ever get back to my non-depressed self I’m sure I wont be thinking like this. It is a part of depression.

Anyway, back onto what I was going to say. On the main website I use to communicate with my online friend you can see when someone has read your message, which for me is a horrible feature. It’s not because I read people’s messages without replying, it is because whenever someone does not reply to one of my messages I get really upset. I don’t mean upset as in I’ll be sad for a few minutes and then message someone else, I mean extremely upset. Within a few minutes I’ll start using myself as the reason they didn’t reply, and then a few minutes later I’ll start thinking that they hate me, which then leads onto thinking everyone hates me. At some point I’ll either start self-harming or I’ll think about suicide. This will sound extreme to anyone who doesn’t suffer from a mental illness, and many of you who do will also think it is extreme. To me this is a normal part of my life. My friend will sometimes only read the message and then they will come back on a few hours later to reply, either because I’ve sent them a really long message (English is not their first language so reading a long message and replying in English is not ideal for them) or because they have work, school or religious commitments. They do reply later but by that time I have gone through the whole “everyone hates me” cycle. I’ve drawn a nice flow chart to show my thoughts.

DepressionlessThinkingFlowChart

I’m sure I’m starting to sound crazy or emotional unstable. When I absolutely hate myself I will say I’m crazy, other times I will just call myself emotionally unstable. These events do not just apply to my online friend. I have another “friend” who was going to meet me a few weeks ago, and within 10 minutes of them cancelling I decided that everyone hates me. Fortunately I didn’t have anything to self-harm with at the time, but my college now knows I sometimes punch trees as a form of self-harm which means I can self-harm in more places. It’s not just friends, family is even worse. I cannot stand my family, and I am convinced they all hate me. That is a whole different story, and I’ve been told by my college counsellor that I have a credible reason for it. Other things that get me upset? My favourite football team losing, dropping objects… yeah, dropping objects is a crazy one, this doesn’t really trigger me a lot but it has in the past. Well, you can only blame yourself if you drop something (unless someone pushes you).

This mind-set does not apply to every case of depression, and it doesn’t only apply to depression. People of various different mental illnesses can have this mind-set. The problem is I don’t know how you could help a friend with this mind-set without changing your plans. My online friend could reply every time they read my message, but it could take them 5 minutes to read and reply to a long message which means they could run late for something (especially her religious Shabbat, she’s not allowed to send me messages during that time and she can’t exactly be late for it). Or she could just not read my message until she knows she has enough time to reply, but I also get upset when she comes online without reading my message. Maybe she shouldn’t come online? Then I’ll either get worried about her or I’ll think she hates me. Basically, there is nothing she can do about it to stop me getting upset.

We have argued in the past, before either of us realised that I had a mental illness. She even stopped talking to me when it got bad and I would constantly threaten to kill myself. Those arguments were bad because neither of us understood how my mind works, fortunately we do now. Occasionally I will send her messages like “Why do you hate me?”, “Stop ignoring me” or “Please talk to me”. She understands how my mind works now. She doesn’t always stay online and talk for hours when I say these things, but she knows I’m in this state of mind again and she’s talk me out of it. I’m very lucky to have a friend like her even if she is just an online friend. A lot of online friends, or even real friends, could just stop talking to me forever. When someone understands the illness they are more sympathetic. I don’t expect her to talk care of me, and if I did something really offensive I wouldn’t expect her to talk to me. When we have an understanding of each other, our friendship can work.

I guess this applies to every relationship you have in your life, if you don’t understand or get along with the other person then the relationship will fail. However I think this is particularly important to relationships with people suffering from mental illnesses, and you need to have some sort of education on the subject. I might always think that everyone hates me, and I might always get too emotional over small things. The best I can hope for is that the people around me understand what I’m going through, and I’m happy to settle for that.