Talk Of Suicide

Suicide. Thinking about it isn’t even strange to me anymore, it is just a normal part of life. Want to know what is strange? Going an hour without thinking about killing myself. That happened once, I’m not exactly sure when but I know it happened. I’m sure there used to be a time before I was depressed that I didn’t think about suicide but I have no memories of what that felt like. I’m sure it felt good but I have no idea.

TRIGGER WARNING: There is a lot of talk about suicide. I talk about suicide on my blog a lot without including a trigger warning but I imagine this could easily trigger someone. Please don’t read if you feel like you could be triggered by talk of suicide.

Some people in my maths class were talking about suicide, it was a very strange conversation. I think most “intelligent” people lack the ability to have normal conversations, but then that makes me question how they are so intelligent. One of them said their preferred method of suicide would be to jump out of a window, that’s when I realised how stupid they actually were. Jump out of a window? I think they were also referring to the window they were standing next to, which would have probably broke their legs at most if they jumped out. Idiot. The other person said they would shoot themselves in the head. I wouldn’t trust this person to do that, I don’t think they even know how a gun works. How would they also get a gun? Gun suicide is not very common in the UK compared to America, and I wonder how a working-class teenage girl would get a gun.

Anyway, at one point I was ready to jump out and scream the best way to do it. Recently the idea of carbon monoxide suicide has come to the front of my mind. Easy, painless, you just fall asleep while it happens. How could these people not consider it? I sat silent because telling everyone I am the master of suicide plans (despite being alive?) is not the kind of thing you should say at college. Yeah, if you survive carbon monoxide suicide you will possibly have permanent brain damage but my brain already feels dead…

Tomorrow I get to go to my counsellor and tell them I hate them, I never want to talk to them again and that the medication I’m on is not working. In fact my suicidal thoughts are getting worse again. At least this medication hasn’t made me do anything stupid (yet). I overdosed on Propranolol (worst idea ever – it did almost nothing except upset my stomach and make me feel dizzy a bit) and the Fluoxetine made me so suicidal I had to go hospital. Sertraline seems to be the medication that does nothing, and I’ve been on it for almost seven weeks.

I doubt I will say those things to my counsellor, but if I could do anything it would be much worse. I have a very interesting memory of sitting in the room with my counsellor once thinking about picking up the stapler and violently bashing them repeatedly with it until I could walk out the room without a stupid comment from them (I’m sure we all get these thoughts, right?). That is one of the things I could think about while smiling. But I know that is a stupid idea now… I’m not sure how easy it is to commit suicide while in prison.

I’ve asked to speak to my friend before I go counselling tomorrow. Yeah, that friend who was my friend one month but then fell out with me, then we became friends again but fell out, and now we talk! That friend. I blame myself for our failed friendship but I guess the job of my new counsellor would be to convince me otherwise. They have agreed to talk to me for a few minutes before I leave to go counselling. I haven’t yet decided whether to cry in front of them (something I am yet to do), beg for their eternal forgiveness (but I don’t know what for yet) or to tell them they have been a bad friend to me and they need to get their act together. Actually, I will probably just say I really need someone to help me get through this, which falls somewhere between begging and telling them they have been a bad friend. Closer to begging. A lot closer to begging. I’ll probably cry. I have about 16 hours to think this over. Well.

What if this talk goes wrong? And my counselling? And that stats test tomorrow? And talking to that girl at college? Yeah, they will all go wrong. At least I have cutting. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone but I love it, I want to keep cutting all to myself. Don’t cut guys! I can cut though. I love watching the blood run out of my veins, I love the pain that I get, I love knowing that no one cares about me and I don’t either. I’m not bothered by scarring, so what. My mind is already mentally scarred by the emotional neglect I’ve received for 17 years. Even if someone loved and cared about me, the damage to my mind has already been done. I’m a failed person. Should I celebrate? Do I get a little badge for it? No, I just get scars and a face full of tears.

P.S. The featured image is old, I’ve been cutting more again…

The Letter…

A letter was addressed to my house today for my parents and me, containing information about my mental illness. It contained some information I never knew, some information that I didn’t want shared with anyone, and some information that isn’t even true. So it was no surprise to see it was a letter from my CAMHS counsellor. I still don’t know what to think about the letter, it makes me laugh to read what they think about me but at the same time it is worrying that my private information could have been read by my parents without me knowing.

Near the top of the letter it says “CONTENTS NOT TO BE DIVULGED WITHOUT AUTHORS CONSENT” in bold, capital letters. And as any mental health patient knows, I have the right to keep all information between myself and my counsellor unless there is danger to me or someone else. So I read through the letter expecting it to talk about how I am still suffering from suicidal thoughts and my counsellor might have thought I was going to act on them so they would tell my parents. I read through the whole letter, half smiling, half confused. There was almost no talk of my suicidal thoughts, but there was a lot of strange information.

I thought I should share some with my readers first. Note that my name has been replaced with Depressionless in some quotes.

“He struggles with sleeping. He goes to bed around 10pm…”

Okay, so that one isn’t exactly strange compared to some others. I did tell my counsellor this about two months ago but during all meetings they ask me how my sleeping is, and I tell them something different each time. Sometimes my sleeping is fine for a week, sometimes I sleep really early, and sometimes I can’t sleep. This isn’t exactly troubling news that my counsellor is telling my parents 2 months out-of-date information, and I wouldn’t complain if this was the only thing wrong. So lets continue.

“He said he has about 11 friends”

This is one of the most confusing quotes in the letter, but probably not the worst. 11 friends? Wow, considering a few days ago I was writing on my blog about how I have no friends it upsets me even more that my counsellor has made 11 imaginary friends for me. I’ve never told them about having 11 friends. In fact I’ve only mentioned 3 possible friends to them, one is an online friend, one never talks to me anymore and one is the one I’ve mentioned often who used to help me but has since stopped talking to me. 11 friends? Being my unstable self I’ll probably both laugh and cry about this later.

“The first panic attack was on the physics test”

What? Okay, so I understand where this came from. When I was first visited by the police they thought I was going to kill myself over a physics test in which I apparently had a panic attack. Firstly, I wouldn’t kill myself over a test score, lets make that clear. Secondly, I never had a panic attack in the test. I’ve said both of this to several people including my CAMHS counsellor over the past few months so I’m not sure why they don’t believe me (or are using out-of-date information again).

“His father, William” and “Depressionless has an elder sister, Jane”

Well, you probably wont understand this one until I explain it. My father isn’t called William, my sister isn’t called Jane. Unless… maybe I have a secret dad and sister that I have never met, and no one has ever told me about. Why would my counsellor finally decide to tell me in a letter? They wouldn’t, they have just made up another two people. So that means my counsellor has created 13 people so far, I think they should get their own counsellor and a psychiatric test. Apparently they talked to my father William…

“didn’t want to talk about the thought of self-harm however denied any intent”

I’m not even sure what this means. Does this mean I keep accidentally self-harming? Does this mean I deny ever self-harming despite showing them my cuts? Should the word self-harm be replaced with suicide despite me actually attempting it? I have no idea. Whatever it means, they obviously aren’t listening to me.

Wow, there are a lot more errors in the letter but I don’t want to talk about them all here. This blog post would be far too long if I mentioned them all. so that must be it? Surely? No, that is the information that makes no sense, now lets move onto the information that I never knew.

So I still haven’t received a proper diagnosis from my CAMHS counsellor. My GP and college counsellor both seem to accept I have depression, but want to know what my CAMHS counsellor thinks. I want to know what my CAMHS counsellor thinks because I know whatever they think about me is probably wrong (considering they believe the opposite of whatever I say). So what did they think?

Mixed depressive and anxiety disorder… Something they have never mentioned to me. Wait? Did they give me a diagnosis through post? Possibly because they don’t want me to laugh in their face and use my intelligence to prove them wrong. I don’t have extensive knowledge on this disorder but I understand their has to be roughly an equal balance of depression and anxiety but neither has to stand out. I have never heard from my counsellor about this so I wont know the proper medical definition, but at the moment I don’t think I have it. I don’t believe I have an serious anxiety disorder I used to have a few panic attacks when I had to first start talking about my mental health but I probably haven’t had one in a few months. I don’t get anxious in social situations either, I may be a little shy when I first meet people but so are most people. I might have a bit of anxiety caused by my depression, I won’t deny that, but I don’t believe I have mixed depressive and anxiety disorder.

I will talk to my CAMHS counsellor about this when I next see them, and they might change my mind. If they change my mind and I finally believe I know what is wrong with me then that is great. I don’t think my counsellor is right though. When they give me more information I can make a better decision. I’ll talk to them about everything in the letter too, because they obviously have no idea about anything, and how they managed to make up 13 people is amazing. I’m starting to think mental illness is the state of being sane, while counsellors are ill and try to make you ill too…

You’re Lucky To Have Someone

You should never judge a book by its cover, and you never judge a person based on their appearance. If someone looked at me they would see a happy, healthy individual. Even if someone spoke to me casually they would hear an intelligent person who is content with their life. If the ability to read minds existed, someone who read my mind would a sad story about a lonely guy who wants to give up on everything. Yes readers, I’m still alive, I’m still here, and I’m still wishing I wasn’t.

Tuesday was one of the worst days for me. Things were getting better, or at least my mind was telling me it was. But I didn’t see the warning signals. My readers will know I have a friend who has stuck with me through my mental health saga starting before my blog began, and they have helped me considerably. I never thought they would leave me. I always wondered whether I was hurting them, I always wondered whether I was doing something wrong. They didn’t talk about it to me though, so things must have been bad, and they were slowly withdrawing themselves from me. I should have seen this, I could have put everything right… After accidentally hurting their feelings on Monday (with a joke they took the wrong way) I tried to ring them on Tuesday night. I tried to ring them but I was put straight through to voicemail. I tried ringing them later but the same thing happened. So being paranoid I tried ringing from a different number, and they answered. I said “hello”, and there was silence for a minute, I said “hello” again and they hung up. I was blocked…

I haven’t tried to speak to them since this happened, I am giving them space based on the advice on my college counsellor. I did see my friend (if I can still call them that) on Friday and I smiled at them, but they looked away with a disgusted look on their face. Until my mind is tricking me again I think it is safe to say they hate me. I want to put things right, I want to know that I never meant to hurt them (which has happened a few times, and I’ve apologised for it, and they’ve accepted them) but I guess I have done it one time to many. I wonder if this has happened with all my other friendships, I wonder if I am a bad person. I am left with no one now.

I have been in contact with Childline a lot more recently, sometimes I just go on their website just for someone to talk to. I have also been seeing my college counsellor more frequently after a period of seeing them less, which I am again doing sometimes just for someone to talk to. I will pop in their department just for a 2 minute chat in between lessons, and I will often spend my lunchtime in the area. I have been walking home with some people who I am certain hate me, but it is best chance I have of spending time with people my age outside of the classroom. They used to be my friends but I’m sure they hate me now, and I wonder if I should just stop trying with them, but I don’t want to be lonely. This is how my relationship is with everyone, it is sad but it is the truth.

If you are reading this and you know you have someone to talk to you are lucky. I don’t have that, I wish I did. If I were to make a bucket list the first thing on it would be to find someone who cares about me. I am convinced if I kill myself there will not be a funeral. I haven’t mentioned my family so far in this post, and I’m mentioning them now just to tell you how they are insignificant in my life. My parents were arguing again at dinner (sort of together, we were all in the same room), I’m sure they don’t love each other. If they don’t love each other, how can they love me? Sad, right?

A slightly better thing to note is that I should be getting another CAMHS counsellor soon. They work in behaviour therapy which is different to my current general counsellor, so I am not sure whether I will still be seeing both but I would like to leave the one that I currently hate. The new one will be someone I met at the hospital once, I requested them because I have met them and I got along with them when I spoke to them before. That could be over a month away due to the waiting list, but I will wait for them.

No friends anymore… I don’t have anyone. Yes, I’ve come crawling back to my readers. Forgive me, I was confused. Hopefully I’ll find someone soon who wants to spend time with me, but this time I wont tell them as much about my mental illness, and I’ll try not to talk to them as much. That is what I presume I did wrong with my old friend, but they never told me anything was wrong so I have to guess. Oh well, I will keep trying. I will keep hoping. Depressionless out.

P.S. I’m self-harming less…

I Have No Reason To Live

The thought which has hit me today… I have no reason to live! I have a reason to die, to end the torture that goes on in my mind, but I don’t have a reason to stay alive. Yesterday was one of the happiest days I had in a while, even though nothing spectacular happened I managed to spend an evening without having a suicidal thought. I did not even realise this until today when I was meant to be meeting my friend at lunch, the first time this month that someone was going to spend some time with me. This is probably why I was happy yesterday evening, but I knew it would not turn out how I would have hoped.

Since my depression started my friends started to leave me, although they did not know about my mental health. I have made a few friends since my depression started too, but they don’t seem to care about me. Apparently a friend is meant to care about me, which makes me think I don’t have any friends, and makes me question whether I have actually ever had a friend. If that is the only criteria for friendship my family might not even be friends with me. You have to talk to friends as well, which definitely cancels my family out of the equation. But this friend who I was going to meet today does talk to me, and I thought they cared about me. I haven’t really spent time with them since the overdose (a few weeks ago) which makes me question whether they don’t care. We used to spent some time together, and they have been talking to me since the overdose but they don’t seem to want to spend time with me.

So what happened today? Well, I met them outside of their lesson at lunch as we had planned. As soon as I saw them they said I was going to the lunch area with them, I don’t get a say in it or else they wont spend lunch with me. So I followed them, they then wanted me to meet all of their friends that I don’t know, and spend lunch with them which means I can’t talk to my friend about any of my problems. They probably don’t want to talk about it but we haven’t even spoke about my depression in a few weeks except for the overdose and when I went hospital. What’s worse is that as soon as I would have met my friends’ friends my friend probably would have left me. That would have meant I would have been left with a bunch of strangers who wouldn’t talk to me. That’s why I told my friend I don’t want to go to the lunch zone, which resulted in me spending lunch alone.

Lunch alone? Yes, and I spent it crying. Probably a good 30 minutes crying. After going toilet and talking to the college counsellor I sat back down so I could cry some more. Whilst crying it struck me that I have no one that cares about me again. I am only living for myself at the moment. Even sadder, I don’t even like myself, I was I could chance myself. I don’t know what I don’t like about myself but there must be something which is repelling all the people away from me, it can’t just be other peoples problem. So what do I have to live for? I’m beginning to fail at college, which puts my dream job into doubts. Like I said, I have no one to live for. I have stopped with all of my hobbies since my depression began and I don’t see the point in restarting them. I spend every day fighting against my own mind. So… nothing to live for.

This evening I was looking at suicide prevention online, and seeing what to do. Firstly, delay my actions. Well, I have been delaying them since I got out of hospital so I think that surpasses the 48 hours they recommended. Next, make the environment safe. The only way I can do that is by shutting down my mind, I am not safe while I can think, wait… that means kill myself. What else? Call someone. I tried calling my friend, they didn’t answer. I have no one else to call. Stop drinking or using drugs. I don’t, but it sounds appealing. I don’t drink but after getting out of hospital a week ago I tried some alcohol, and I tried some more, and some more. This was only in one night and I didn’t get drunk but I didn’t feel like I hated myself. That is the only thing I can think of at the moment to get rid of my suicidal thoughts. That’s one option, what else? Get professional help. Well, I will see my counsellor tomorrow which is professional help but they are probably going to make me want to kill myself even more. Finally, know that people get through this. Okay, but I don’t see how I can.

I’ve checked what I can do and it doesn’t look promising. I cut myself earlier too, and I think I will continue with that until I don’t absolutely hate myself, then I might get a drink to get rid of my suicidal thoughts. I do hope I can go through with the suicide next time I try it, I don’t actually have anything to live for this time so that should make it easier. See you next post… if I make it until then…

How To Use Rest Breaks Effectively

Students with both mental and physical disabilities or illnesses are allowed extra time in exams for rest breaks, while many employers will give their staff rest breaks too. Some people without disabilities or illnesses are even given rest breaks. But how do you use these breaks wisely to make yourself more productive? This article will explain exactly that, including prior planning and on-the-stop decisions.

Exams incoming, are you prepared?

Exams incoming, are you prepared?

To Do, Before
You should know whether you are going to have a rest break during your exam or work day, so make sure you are prepared for it. These breaks should help you relax so that your mind is fresh to continue with your work. Are you going to get up and move around (which might not be allowed in some exams)? Are you going to get a drink or something to eat? Are you going to close your eyes and take a short nap? You should know what you are going to do so that you don’t worry about it, as worrying will cut into your precious time! Note how much time you have for your rest breaks too, as that will make it easier to know what you will do during the break or whether to split it into two smaller rest breaks instead of one.

Get Up, Get Active
But don’t run a marathon, which is impossible if you have a 5 minute break into your exam. I doubt you will do that in your coffee break either. One of my summer exams is a 2 hour computing test where you sit at the computer (I believe I get an extra 30 minutes as well), which is probably going to kill you if you are sitting down the whole time. Getting up and walking for a few minutes will get you away from the working environment and allow your brain to gather thoughts. Although this will be allowed in a majority of workplaces, you should check before an exam whether this is allowed.

Know someone who has panic attacks over exams? Click here to find out how to help.

Have A Mint, Or Some Water
The greatest piece of advice I ever heard about exams is to take a mint in with you and suck on it. Okay, so maybe revising was the best tip I ever heard but this one is still great. Although I can’t find the study I believe sucking a mint increases brain function. Take my word for it, it can’t do any harm. Similarly, you need to stay hydrated on those long days in the office so make sure you have a bottle of water with you at all times. A dehydrated brain will work slower.

Think positively... and quietly.

Think positively… and quietly.

Think Positive
And while you are thinking positive, do not think about your work or your exam. When you are stressed the body will release adrenaline causing you to not think clearly. Thinking of something positive will reverse this effect and allow you to continue with your work normally. Your thought could be something you will do later (like celebrate passing your exam) or it could be a good memory.

Think positive? Click here for my anti-depression mystic flowing through the air.

So there you have it. Now you should be prepared for those summer exams, providing you revise, or better equipped for those rest breaks at work. Just make sure the breaks are allowed by your supervisor or exam organiser. I guess I’ll be off to think positive now… or have a mint. Do you have rest breaks? What do you usually do during them?

Four Things I Wish I Could Say About My Depression

When it comes to depression, there are certain things that I struggle to talk about. To my friends, my family, my teachers and my counsellor I hide something, I hide different feelings from all of them. I wish they could figure it out, it would make my life so much easier. I wish I could tell them but my depression stops me, I’ve made progress so far and one day I’m sure I will say these things but for now I can’t. I hope one of them stumbles onto my blog and reads what is here, not knowing I wrote it, and decided to change what they do to help me.

Click here to read about when I was suicidal, and had no one to talk to.

“I can’t do this on my own, I need you with me”
To my friend, the only one who I can talk to about my depression. I don’t think they understand my depression, but they still try to be there for me whenever they can. It’s not enough though, I was cutting myself last week (and my whole arm is covered in cuts now) and I asked them to help me but they were busy. I can understand they have plans with other friends but I feel I need support. Maybe I can’t expect so much from one person, I can’t blame them for anything that has happened to me, and they mean so much to me.

Blank talk...

Blank talk…

“Forget the work, I need to focus on myself”
To my teachers. I am at college and the workload is a lot more than school. Depression means I struggle to concentrate a lot of the time (I already get extra time for exams) so homework that is meant to take 30 minutes will probably take me 90 minutes. Worrying about the workload is just making my depression worse, but I can’t give up on my future either. My health is my priority but I need to find a balance, at the moment their is too much work not enough care.

“So… I have depression…”
To my family, who I haven’t told about my depression. The worst part is not knowing whether they care about me, my depression makes me think they don’t care but I honestly can’t think of anything they have done to help recently. If I could tell them, maybe they could help, maybe my depression wouldn’t be so bad, maybe I would have more people to support me when I want to cut or kill myself.

Click here to read about my first counselling session.

“I don’t know why I’m depressed, can I have the solution now?”
To my counsellor, who is adamant that I know how my depression started. I don’t. When will they understand? Asking me over and over will not suddenly create a reason for my depression starting. I came to my counsellor for help and so far they have just made things worse (thank the NHS that this is free counselling though, or it would be a waste of money). Imagine if you could wake up one day and have one of your problems disappear, imagine if your depression just disappeared. I wish I could have a magic solution but my counsellor isn’t even giving me the regular one yet.

So, that’s what I would say to the people in my life. I know I will get there one day. What would you say?