Loneliness Hurts!

Have you ever been lonely? I don’t mean being alone as that is something different, feeling lonely in my opinion is much worse. It is the negative side of being alone, but also something that can occur when you are surrounded with people. Loneliness is the thing that makes me cry every time I go to sleep. It’s something I wish I didn’t have to feel, but something I know I will feel tomorrow and the day after no matter how hard I try.

Today I had an exam, it was my third exam out of 13 (more than most other people I’ve talked to). I actually got to talk to people today! Last Friday I got to speak to my friend (my friend?) for about an hour, but after that I didn’t get to speak to someone until today. I did speak to someone at the shop for about 10 seconds, being able to talk to someone is one of the two reasons I go to the shop, the other to buy food. I have been feeling lonely again for obvious reasons. I texted my friend about this and they promised to talk to me yesterday after my exam yesterday… but then they ignored my texts after my exam for 2 hours so I went away from college. They texted me eventually, and said we could talk properly today.

Anyway, today! After my exam I got to speak to someone from one of my classes about the exam, we talked about how I found it easy while hey found it hard. It was maths… maths is easy… in my opinion, for some reason everyone finds it hard. I then got to speak to my counsellor from academic support! And then I got to speak to my friend! But when my friend’s friends came along, my friend had to go. See, my friend’s friends are more important than me, even though I’m told they aren’t. Now I’m depressed again.

I went home and cut myself. I’m lonely. I will get to talk to my CAMHS counsellor tomorrow but I hate them, and I still haven’t got my new counsellor. I’m also going to my GP tomorrow. My GP always wants to see me to make sure I’m alright, but I like going to them just so that I know I will get to talk to someone in the week, even if it is only for 10 minutes.

Did you hear? I’m lonely… I’ve neglected my blog too because of exams and my mental health. My suicidal thoughts are constantly up and down, I don’t know whether they were up or down in the last post but they are somewhere in the middle on this post. I’ve also neglected my lovely readers, I want to say I will actually reply to your comments this time but I feel so sad I’m not sure whether I can.

I’m lonely…

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Counting Cuts – How Many Can I Do?

Yeah, whatever mental illness I am suffering from, it is definitely getting worse again! Today I decided I would cut myself 49 times, one for each day I have been on this medication that is doing absolutely nothing for me. My suicidal thoughts are on the way back up after I thought the medication was making them go down, my cutting is also on the way back up and I’m still feeling as sad and as isolated as ever. As someone who is sitting real exams in a few weeks, this could not have come at a worse time. So today, what happened?

I went to counselling today. I decided I would give my counsellor the silent treatment. This was the first time I had seen them in 4 weeks (they didn’t want to see me sooner), and also the first time I had seen them after receiving the strange letter. I hate them. I said to my friend earlier in the day that I wouldn’t mind if my counsellor jumped off a cliff, obviously I don’t mean that, I think I let my emotions get the better of me as I would never want anyone to commit suicide, but I think that shows how much I hate them. I didn’t want to talk to them and I wanted them to know it. I want my new counsellor to come as soon as possible.

My cuts tally...

My cuts tally…

My counsellor just made me feel worse, while sitting in that room listening to them try to get an answer out of me I knew I was going to go home and cut. I wasn’t planning to do anything like I did but I could see something coming. I got home after counselling and was normal for a few hours… or normal for me. I went to my room and cried for a bit then played a game on my phone. I haven’t been able to concentrate on exam revision very well for a while so it is not surprising that I didn’t get any done. But after I had dinner it went downhill. I decided that I had to do one cut for every day this new medication had failed me, so I checked out the calendar and counted how many days I had been taking it. 1, 2, 3… 47, 48, 49! 49 days of failed medication! I have been on my medication for 7 weeks and I don’t feel worse. I guess I deserve these 49 cuts.

I did two cuts and thought I wasn’t going to reach 49. I stopped for about 5 minutes. However, I am someone who doesn’t give up easily so I kept going. I reached 7 cuts quite early on before realising I shouldn’t be doing a tally of my cuts, let alone attempt to reach 49 cuts. I distracted myself with my phone again but I was constantly feeling sadder every minute as I thought about how my week had gone so far. I don’t know how but I made it to 10 cuts while still on my phone. Distracting myself was clearly not working. 12. 15. 18. 20. I had got to 20 cuts when I decided enough was enough.

Click here to read about my self-harm record from a few months ago, which has been broken a lot since.

I attempted to do some revision but it failed. I did two more cuts which takes my total to 22. I still have 3 hours left in the day and I have no idea what I will do. I don’t know whether to stop, I don’t know whether to try to reach 49 cuts. I am confused.

CAMHS: That Counselling Service I Love And Hate

CAMHS… The way I talk about my counselling, the nations counselling service for children and teenagers, you might think it is closer to hell than helpful. I’ll be fair and say I have experienced some good aspects of CAMHS in the few months I have been under their service, but at the same time I have had experiences that have only made my mental health worse. Yes, it is time for me to revisit the tales of my dreaded counsellor who managed to invent 13 people and allowed me to go home with a plan to kill myself. Today, I’ll talk about my experiences with CAMHS.

Well, when I first got the letter for my CAMHS counselling session I was excited. I had been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for months. In my eyes CAMHS was this miracle service that could end my depression and keep me on the right track to lead a “normal” life. I had read stories on the internet about people who had gone to CAMHS and received no help but that did not worry me as I had also read stories of the complete opposite. I knew if I did not get help soon (I was already seeing my GP but they not meant to be as good with mental health as CAMHS) I would probably end up doing something I would regret… or something I wouldn’t be able to regret. I started with CAMHS straight after New Years, it was on the first week of 2015.

I met my counsellor, I didn’t like my counsellor, they are probably the reason why I hate CAMHS so much. But at the time I met them I had only talked to one other person from CAMHS who I met at the hospital, and they were not nice to me. So now I had met two people from the same organisation who weren’t helpful, in fact they both made me feel worse. What did my counsellor do you might be thinking, I’ll tell you.

We’ll start off small. My counsellor is meant to talk through my problems with me, and when they have an idea or solution they also talk through that with me. Maybe these health professionals are also meant to jump to strange conclusions, but I doubt it. One time early in my counselling I was asked if I had ever drank alcohol, and I said yes as most teenagers have drank alcohol. I was then asked how often I drink alcohol to which I replied I don’t really drink alcohol very often. I am not sure whether my counsellor decided I am hiding something but even after talking to my dad about it she believes I drink regularly. I was in the room when she talked to my dad and my dad said I don’t really drink alcohol. This is one of the mysteries of CAMHS. The same happened when she asked if any of my friends drink or take drugs, and I said I do have friends who smoke occasionally. Apparently this means my friends have drinking and drug problems. That doesn’t make sense to me, another one of the mysteries of CAMHS.

My counsellor does make up things that I’ve never said quite frequently. They have managed to invent 11 friends I’ve never had while at the same time invent a dad and a sister that I’ve never had (unless I have a second dad and sister hiding somewhere). They’ve managed to make up events that have never happened such as panic attacks, which is why they have probably diagnosed me with mixed depressive and anxiety disorder, something they have never discussed with me and something I believe is wrong. If they make up so much stuff how can I believe their diagnosis? In fact I have my own rule which is whatever they diagnose me with is wrong. The worst part about all of this is that they broke confidentiality and sent all the wrong information to my parents in a letter. Fortunately the letter also had my name on it so I managed to get it before my parents, they never saw it.

This is not the worst thing about my counsellor. Imagine having a plan to kill yourself, trying to receive help, and the one person who is meant to help you the most has decided you don’t need help and sends you home with a plan to kill yourself. That is not quite what happened but it is close. One time, my counsellor could not be bothered to talk to me so they gave me a questionnaire to fill in while they left me alone in the room. The questionnaire had over 100 questions and took me a while to complete. Some of the questions were related to suicide, and one asked me if I had a plan to kill myself. I said yes. At the time I did not actually have a plan to kill myself but I was very suicidal and wanted some help, I was foolish to think my counsellor would help me. They read the questionnaire after and asked me about my plan, they then went to talk to their supervisor and came back deciding that I don’t need any help. They sent me home. That has taught me not to go to my counsellor when I actually do have a plan, I’ll go straight to the hospital instead. Maybe there they can actually help me.

And they can. The hospital is where I have experienced the better side of CAMHS. Twice I have gone to the hospital to see an out-of-hours CAMHS person whilst being under the service, the only other time was before I started with CAMHS and met a horrible person but I tend to forget about that. The first time I met a man who worked for CAMHS, this was when I had been prescribed some new medication which was making me more suicidal, a common side effect for teenagers apparently. This man so kind to me, we talked about video games for a while when we were meant to be talking about my suicidal thoughts, but actually that made me less suicidal. I don’t know whether that was his plan but it worked. He also realised it was the medication making me more suicidal and gave me a plan to stop the medication, and spoke to my counsellor asking to start new medication as soon as possible. That was a great experience. During this same visit to the hospital my parents arrived and started shouting at me, and a woman working at the hospital allowed me to stay in a separate area away from my parents. That may sound small but it meant so much to me. This visit to the hospital was the first time I realised that CAMHS was there to help me.

The second visit to the hospital was also a good experience, or at least as good as it can get while being suicidal. I had stabbed myself and was wanting to see a mental health worker to talk to about my suicidal thoughts. They told me an out-of-hours CAMHS worker was on their way. After waiting all night for this CAMHS person to appear, they finally did in the early hours of the morning. Our conversation did not seem long to me although it was over an hour, we talked about how life was for me an general and why I had come to the hospital specifically this time. They were very kind to me and they helped me a lot, we came up with a care plan that my CAMHS counsellor never did. I have actually requested that I have regular meeting with this person instead of my current counsellor, which would probably be the greatest thing CAMHS could do for me at that point.

So while my CAMHS counsellor is horrible and probably makes me feel worse, I know that there are people in the service who can help. When I look at CAMHS reviews online they always get very positive reviews or very negative reviews, and I can see why. CAMHS seems like a great service but it always depends who you talk to as that is the main thing about the service, it is mostly about talking. To anyone who has to start with CAMHS I would recommend trying it out, you can always request a different counsellor, or stop all together. At least if you try you might get help and you might get better. Now I’m hoping for my counsellor to be changed soon, the sooner the better…


This post is part of my Blogging A to Z April Challenge. The theme for yesterday was meant to be “CAMHS” but I fell asleep very early and could not publish it, so I’ve published it this morning. Later today I was focus on depression, the main theme of my blog. Watch this space!

The Letter…

A letter was addressed to my house today for my parents and me, containing information about my mental illness. It contained some information I never knew, some information that I didn’t want shared with anyone, and some information that isn’t even true. So it was no surprise to see it was a letter from my CAMHS counsellor. I still don’t know what to think about the letter, it makes me laugh to read what they think about me but at the same time it is worrying that my private information could have been read by my parents without me knowing.

Near the top of the letter it says “CONTENTS NOT TO BE DIVULGED WITHOUT AUTHORS CONSENT” in bold, capital letters. And as any mental health patient knows, I have the right to keep all information between myself and my counsellor unless there is danger to me or someone else. So I read through the letter expecting it to talk about how I am still suffering from suicidal thoughts and my counsellor might have thought I was going to act on them so they would tell my parents. I read through the whole letter, half smiling, half confused. There was almost no talk of my suicidal thoughts, but there was a lot of strange information.

I thought I should share some with my readers first. Note that my name has been replaced with Depressionless in some quotes.

“He struggles with sleeping. He goes to bed around 10pm…”

Okay, so that one isn’t exactly strange compared to some others. I did tell my counsellor this about two months ago but during all meetings they ask me how my sleeping is, and I tell them something different each time. Sometimes my sleeping is fine for a week, sometimes I sleep really early, and sometimes I can’t sleep. This isn’t exactly troubling news that my counsellor is telling my parents 2 months out-of-date information, and I wouldn’t complain if this was the only thing wrong. So lets continue.

“He said he has about 11 friends”

This is one of the most confusing quotes in the letter, but probably not the worst. 11 friends? Wow, considering a few days ago I was writing on my blog about how I have no friends it upsets me even more that my counsellor has made 11 imaginary friends for me. I’ve never told them about having 11 friends. In fact I’ve only mentioned 3 possible friends to them, one is an online friend, one never talks to me anymore and one is the one I’ve mentioned often who used to help me but has since stopped talking to me. 11 friends? Being my unstable self I’ll probably both laugh and cry about this later.

“The first panic attack was on the physics test”

What? Okay, so I understand where this came from. When I was first visited by the police they thought I was going to kill myself over a physics test in which I apparently had a panic attack. Firstly, I wouldn’t kill myself over a test score, lets make that clear. Secondly, I never had a panic attack in the test. I’ve said both of this to several people including my CAMHS counsellor over the past few months so I’m not sure why they don’t believe me (or are using out-of-date information again).

“His father, William” and “Depressionless has an elder sister, Jane”

Well, you probably wont understand this one until I explain it. My father isn’t called William, my sister isn’t called Jane. Unless… maybe I have a secret dad and sister that I have never met, and no one has ever told me about. Why would my counsellor finally decide to tell me in a letter? They wouldn’t, they have just made up another two people. So that means my counsellor has created 13 people so far, I think they should get their own counsellor and a psychiatric test. Apparently they talked to my father William…

“didn’t want to talk about the thought of self-harm however denied any intent”

I’m not even sure what this means. Does this mean I keep accidentally self-harming? Does this mean I deny ever self-harming despite showing them my cuts? Should the word self-harm be replaced with suicide despite me actually attempting it? I have no idea. Whatever it means, they obviously aren’t listening to me.

Wow, there are a lot more errors in the letter but I don’t want to talk about them all here. This blog post would be far too long if I mentioned them all. so that must be it? Surely? No, that is the information that makes no sense, now lets move onto the information that I never knew.

So I still haven’t received a proper diagnosis from my CAMHS counsellor. My GP and college counsellor both seem to accept I have depression, but want to know what my CAMHS counsellor thinks. I want to know what my CAMHS counsellor thinks because I know whatever they think about me is probably wrong (considering they believe the opposite of whatever I say). So what did they think?

Mixed depressive and anxiety disorder… Something they have never mentioned to me. Wait? Did they give me a diagnosis through post? Possibly because they don’t want me to laugh in their face and use my intelligence to prove them wrong. I don’t have extensive knowledge on this disorder but I understand their has to be roughly an equal balance of depression and anxiety but neither has to stand out. I have never heard from my counsellor about this so I wont know the proper medical definition, but at the moment I don’t think I have it. I don’t believe I have an serious anxiety disorder I used to have a few panic attacks when I had to first start talking about my mental health but I probably haven’t had one in a few months. I don’t get anxious in social situations either, I may be a little shy when I first meet people but so are most people. I might have a bit of anxiety caused by my depression, I won’t deny that, but I don’t believe I have mixed depressive and anxiety disorder.

I will talk to my CAMHS counsellor about this when I next see them, and they might change my mind. If they change my mind and I finally believe I know what is wrong with me then that is great. I don’t think my counsellor is right though. When they give me more information I can make a better decision. I’ll talk to them about everything in the letter too, because they obviously have no idea about anything, and how they managed to make up 13 people is amazing. I’m starting to think mental illness is the state of being sane, while counsellors are ill and try to make you ill too…

Don’t Worry Guys, Sorry To Scare You!

My last post was a week and a half ago and I talked about my suicidal thoughts and feelings. I think I may have scared some of my readers, but I am fine now. Thanks for being so concerned for me, I promise I’ll keep you better informed next time.

I was struggling with my suicidal thoughts not long ago. I will give you more details in a few posts over the next few days but I stabbed myself, ended up in hospital and had to stay there for a while. I was unable to post while in hospital so could not inform my lovely readers. On getting out I was feeling better but still struggling with my suicidal thoughts, my mind wasn’t working right and I completely forgot loads of things. I didn’t post here, I haven’t been to college, lots of things went wrong. I also discovered some things about my family and my friendships which impacted my mood, making me even more depressed. I have been struggling a lot in the past 2 weeks. I will share it with you guys starting tomorrow, there is lots to talk about. It could be a post series, maybe the “Battling My Suicidal Thoughts” series. Seriously, there is a lot, I could probably write a novel with everything that has happened.

Thanks for all the comments while I was away, I feel bad for not telling you guys, but my mind wasn’t in the right place. I’ll probably go through each comment tomorrow and thank everyone, it means a lot to have these people who care. This is Depressionless, signing out!

Hey Guys… Some New Medication!

PrescriptionBagYeah! I have finally been given some medication to fight off my illness. You might remember I was previously prescribed an anti-anxiety drug, Propranolol, to help calm me down on which I took a small overdose and received absolutely no help. I even said I was going to do something similar again and still no help. So what’s the solution? Give me something that is easier to overdose on (guess what it is while you read the post, a lot of my readers on anti-depressants may have heard of it). This is a win-win situation for me as it could make me feel better, or it will make me suicidal. With the mood I’m currently in I don’t really care which one happens.

It was my CAMHS counsellor (the one I hate) who prescribed me the medication. I am not yet sure whether I have been officially diagnosed with depression but everyone treats me as if I have. That’s why it was a shock to me that they told me today they believe I have social anxiety, and to combat it they will give me a drug that has a common side-effect of anxiety. The drug doesn’t seem to be used to treat anxiety (well it is, but I heard they use other methods first) which confuses me even more. Have I ever told you I think my counsellor is crazier than me?

Anyway, anxiety? I strongly believe that I don’t have social anxiety despite the odd panic attacks I have. If I do have social anxiety disorder it would confuse me even more as it does not explain any of the symptoms I have noticed except for avoiding contact sometimes (and the panic attacks). Depression still seems to fit most of the symptoms. From my knowledge of mental illnesses I might possibly have bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder but I doubt it for either. I don’t really have much of a manic phase and my depressed/angry/anxious/kind-of-happy mood swings are very unpredictable. I don’t know much about borderline personality disorder so I wouldn’t want to say I have it, I could ask my GP but I’ll probably want to learn more about it first. Readers, fire information at me! So yeah, I still believe I have depression, I don’t believe my counsellor.

The medication (keep thinking what it is) is being kept by my mum. I don’t really talk to her but people want to make sure I don’t overdose. The medication is in liquid form for two weeks, then I will start on the tablets of higher dosage if there are no horrible side-effects. I’m not sure if being a liquid form makes it easier or harder to overdose (I wouldn’t have enough to overdose anyway) but they wont let me take care of it. I find liquid easier to swallow than tablets or pills.

At the moment I am in a “oh, I can’t be bothered to do anything” mood. I was listening to music and playing video games when I suddenly turned very depressed. I cut myself, then I regretted it so I started writing this post. Interesting life, right? From my terrible dancing in my room I have somehow learned a great dance FluoxetineBottle move that I need to show someone… but everyone is at college so there is no one to show. It is one of those moves where you either do it perfectly or you fail and everyone laughs at you. Why am I talking about this?

So here is the medication.

Well… I am on 10mg/2.5ml a day (which isn’t a lot) of Fluoxetine, which some of you may know as Prozac. They will up the dosage in two weeks if, like I said earlier, there are no strange side-effects. Dead or alive, I can’t feel as bad after I take this drug than before. Surely not…

Return of the King

Three days away from my blog to refocus my mind and get my mental health back on track. It has been a strange last couple of days which I can perfectly sum up in some weird and wacky haikus. In short I have seen my last CAMHS counselling session, the results of my blood test, and some interesting news regarding medication. Plus a few extra notes.

Thunder and lightning
Enters the king of writing
Returns to his throne.

The blood test… Well, I went for my blood test on Tuesday but got my results back on Thursday. Apparently it is meant to take a week so I guess my GP sped up my results for me. I was hoping that something would come back with my results, for them to find something wrong with me. I am looking for the reason of my depression, the thing that started everything off, but I can’t seem to find it. A lot of things have happened since my depression started, but I don’t know what started it. I guess anyone else would be happy with the results I got, but when I found out there was nothing too high or too low in my blood, that just made it worse for me.

Tiny disk floating
Holding the key to the cure
Misery without

Counselling? Have I told you that I hate CAMHS? Yeah, probably. So to tell them I don’t want to see them again is great, and that they didn’t want to see me again is even better. The plan was there to have a final meeting in March with CAMHS, my parents, the college counsellor and me, which I am fine with. The meeting would be the last time I see them. But then CAMHS rang my college to tell me they want to see me again, but only for medication. Providing I don’t have to talk to them anymore, I’m happy to see them for medication. Medication should help me… hopefully!

Saint versus dragon
Sword drawn, slashing blood filled hearts
Dragon tears drop, drop…

Recording my mood. I should have really done this earlier. I could guess when I feel the worst, and I can guess how long my depressive state lasts but they are only guesses. This is why I set up a short questionnaire I can fill in every hour or two on my phone asking me how my mood is, and I after a few days I can sit on my laptop and analyse the data. So far I have been doing it for about 24 hours, and this day was one of constant mood swings overshadowed by my depression. I’m now questioning myself whether most days are like this, but I just notice the depression as that stands out the most. I don’t know, which is exactly why I am tracking my mood. I will post more information on this at a later date, when I have more data to analyse.

Up, down and sideways
The blindfolded passenger
On mood swing express…

On a totally unrelated note, I am creating a computer game. I may have mentioned before that I really like computers, and that I love to program. I noticed a UK competition for under 18’s, where you have to create your own computer game. I have until the start of June to complete my project, but I want to focus on it now before the serious exam revision starts. You won’t get updates on this unless it makes me suicidal (how would that happen?) or the game becomes depressing (I hope not…), but its nice for my readers to learn something about me.

Have you ever tried
to write a haiku but then
your mind just goes blank?

I know there is a lot more I want to say, I just cannot think of it right now. Maybe it will be posted tomorrow, or maybe I have a poem stored up to unleash havoc on the simple minds of some of my readers (simple? I meant beautiful). I might disappear for another three days… Who knows?