Return of the King

Three days away from my blog to refocus my mind and get my mental health back on track. It has been a strange last couple of days which I can perfectly sum up in some weird and wacky haikus. In short I have seen my last CAMHS counselling session, the results of my blood test, and some interesting news regarding medication. Plus a few extra notes.

Thunder and lightning
Enters the king of writing
Returns to his throne.

The blood test… Well, I went for my blood test on Tuesday but got my results back on Thursday. Apparently it is meant to take a week so I guess my GP sped up my results for me. I was hoping that something would come back with my results, for them to find something wrong with me. I am looking for the reason of my depression, the thing that started everything off, but I can’t seem to find it. A lot of things have happened since my depression started, but I don’t know what started it. I guess anyone else would be happy with the results I got, but when I found out there was nothing too high or too low in my blood, that just made it worse for me.

Tiny disk floating
Holding the key to the cure
Misery without

Counselling? Have I told you that I hate CAMHS? Yeah, probably. So to tell them I don’t want to see them again is great, and that they didn’t want to see me again is even better. The plan was there to have a final meeting in March with CAMHS, my parents, the college counsellor and me, which I am fine with. The meeting would be the last time I see them. But then CAMHS rang my college to tell me they want to see me again, but only for medication. Providing I don’t have to talk to them anymore, I’m happy to see them for medication. Medication should help me… hopefully!

Saint versus dragon
Sword drawn, slashing blood filled hearts
Dragon tears drop, drop…

Recording my mood. I should have really done this earlier. I could guess when I feel the worst, and I can guess how long my depressive state lasts but they are only guesses. This is why I set up a short questionnaire I can fill in every hour or two on my phone asking me how my mood is, and I after a few days I can sit on my laptop and analyse the data. So far I have been doing it for about 24 hours, and this day was one of constant mood swings overshadowed by my depression. I’m now questioning myself whether most days are like this, but I just notice the depression as that stands out the most. I don’t know, which is exactly why I am tracking my mood. I will post more information on this at a later date, when I have more data to analyse.

Up, down and sideways
The blindfolded passenger
On mood swing express…

On a totally unrelated note, I am creating a computer game. I may have mentioned before that I really like computers, and that I love to program. I noticed a UK competition for under 18’s, where you have to create your own computer game. I have until the start of June to complete my project, but I want to focus on it now before the serious exam revision starts. You won’t get updates on this unless it makes me suicidal (how would that happen?) or the game becomes depressing (I hope not…), but its nice for my readers to learn something about me.

Have you ever tried
to write a haiku but then
your mind just goes blank?

I know there is a lot more I want to say, I just cannot think of it right now. Maybe it will be posted tomorrow, or maybe I have a poem stored up to unleash havoc on the simple minds of some of my readers (simple? I meant beautiful). I might disappear for another three days… Who knows?

Rhymes and Art and Pages, Oh My!

I can sum this whole update up in one short list; book of rhymes, mental health art auction, pages, poetry, classiness. Yeah, you should be interested now. Read below to find out on everything from helping charities to my attempts of blog positivity!

Book of Rhymes
I’m probably not actually going to call it Book of Rhymes… But yeah, I am writing some poems to create a book! I’m not dedicating time to this as I write better when I let the thoughts come to me instead of forcing myself to write something, which is why I am carrying my “Book of Rhymes” (a notepad) with me wherever I go. I doubt I will get it published into a book, which ruins one of my blogging resolutions, since I have no work published before but I will at least create some sort of ebook, which would be a lot cheaper for everyone (maybe free, I don’t know). Stay tuned!

The Mental Health Art Auction
You all need to go and check this out right now, and sign up. The great blog ByLaurenHayley is doing an art auction in August to raise awareness of mental health, and raise money for mental health charities in various countries. Her own words are “the auction was going to just feature the one piece of art that I am creating, however – as more and more bloggers come on board, offers of donations are rolling in and therefore it looks like the auction may be much bigger than we originally anticipated” so lets get as many people involved as possible. Click here to go to her latest post about the auction.

More Pages
My “Suicidal, What To Do” page has received quite a lot of views since I created it which hopefully means it has helped some people out. I have just created another page with suicidal helplines for various countries across the world, mostly from countries that visit by blog a lot at the moment. So if you need to give someone a helpline number it will hopefully be on this page, or you can just link them the whole page! I will be adding a few more pages to this site soon, possibly some related to general mental health advice. If you want to suggest anything feel free, but otherwise keep a look out.

Sick of Poetry?
I’m not! I missed poetry out of my blog for a couple of weeks but I’ll be rolling it back in as I feel it is the best way I can make this blog more positive. My suicidal thoughts and feelings have dominated the posts over the past few weeks but they seem to be clearing (lets hope so anyway). Blog positivity incoming!

Anything Else?
Yeah… stay classy!

New Year Blogging Resolutions For 2015

The new year is approaching, and it is time for everyone to make their new year’s resolutions. I have made some personal one’s but there is so much I want to do on my blog for next year that I have decided to share them with you. I may have mentioned one or two in a previous post but here I shall go through each one and explain them. Thank you readers for a great year (well I started in December, so thanks for a great December), and I hope you stick around for 2015!


Reach 10000 Views
I mentioned this in one of my earlier blog posts. If people are viewing my blog then it must be good, right? If I aimed for 1000 views a month it would not be too hard to achieve, and 1000 views does not seem like a lot. Okay, so I got around 850 views this month however this is my first month blogging so I’m sure it will improve. If you want to help out, check out some of my past posts from this month.

10 Guest Posters On My Blog, And I Do 10 Guest Posts
So I haven’t done a guest post yet, I don’t exactly understand how they work yet either but it sounds interesting. Spread my amazing writing to other blogs, while all of my readers get the perspective of another writer. Sounds cool. I do have a contact page if anyone is interested in me guest posting on their blog, or if you want to post on my blog (if my cat could write a better post than you I will probably say no, so I’ll check out your blog if you contact me).

Publish A Book Of Poems Or Short Stories
Well, I have written several poems for my blog and you may have read them. As the year goes on my poetry writing skills will get even better and hopefully some will be good enough to publish. Either that or I will write some short stories and publish them (I have so many ideas, it is whether I can turn them into quality writing). Who knows what will happen, maybe I will try both.

Click here for my most viewed poem, “Soldier Soldier Fighting Your Battle”

Succeed With My Planned Petition
So I have mentioned this before without telling you what the petition will be about… and I did say you will have to wait until 2015 to find out what the petition is about. It is related to mental health as well as suicide. That is all I will tell you for now, you will just have to wait. I won’t just do one post and forget about my petition, I will keep pushing until I succeed or until everyone convinces me it is a bad idea. Note: It is not a bad idea.

Give Help To Everyone Who Needs It
I know how hard depression can be. I haven’t experienced other mental illnesses but I am sure they are just as bad (some are probably worse). Anyone who asks for help through the contact page or by commenting on a post will get help from me. That is my promise to all of my readers, I am here for you. I will also be doing more helpful posts (like these – and more) because I know there are people reading them and receiving help from them.

Click here for my help article on methods to combat self-harming.

What else? I want to start earning money from blogging (first to help with publishing my book, then to support me at university). I want to make sure I release regular posts, 3 a week I hope. I want a lot, this post could be 10000 words long if I wrote about everything I wanted for my blog. What about your blogging resolutions, have you made any? Here’s to 2015, I wish it to be successful.


P.S. I have a crazy idea about doing a whole post in Spanish, not sure if I’m loco for trying though.

Take Some Haiku’s, Take Them!

So it took me a couple of hours to get to sleep last night. I’m not going to bore you with all the depressing thoughts I had but now I find it funny how my thoughts went from depressing to haiku’s last night a couple of times. I don’t know why I started thinking of haiku’s, I haven’t even looked at one for ages! There must be a secret haiku overlord watching over me saying haiku’s are the key to happiness. Well… I guess I will have to believe him/her/it (whatever this overlord is) this time. I woke while it was still dark, and decided to write a few.

Sun creeps above clouds
Ready to pounce on those who
Only see shadows

Darkness moves closer
Becoming the emptiness
Hidden in my soul

Frosty winds shoot me
But they cannot defeat me
Sadness did the job

I could hear people in the house shouting. I think if they are going to argue, at least argue over something important. It makes me sad (or sadder – I’m always sad) when my family argue over pointless things, sometimes I just blame myself so at least there is a reason for them to argue. More haiku’s anyone?

I can only see
My future, A future of
Pain and loneliness

Hashtag depression
I’ve already been labelled
But why can’t I choose

I’m probably going to spend the rest of the day depressed now. I’m not sure whether to sit writing poems, playing video games or randomly searching the internet. None are probably going to make me feel any better for the rest of the day but boredom is just as bad as depression. One more haiku before you leave.

Raindrops and teardrops
Roll down the fallen statue
Of a broken man