Loneliness Hurts!

Have you ever been lonely? I don’t mean being alone as that is something different, feeling lonely in my opinion is much worse. It is the negative side of being alone, but also something that can occur when you are surrounded with people. Loneliness is the thing that makes me cry every time I go to sleep. It’s something I wish I didn’t have to feel, but something I know I will feel tomorrow and the day after no matter how hard I try.

Today I had an exam, it was my third exam out of 13 (more than most other people I’ve talked to). I actually got to talk to people today! Last Friday I got to speak to my friend (my friend?) for about an hour, but after that I didn’t get to speak to someone until today. I did speak to someone at the shop for about 10 seconds, being able to talk to someone is one of the two reasons I go to the shop, the other to buy food. I have been feeling lonely again for obvious reasons. I texted my friend about this and they promised to talk to me yesterday after my exam yesterday… but then they ignored my texts after my exam for 2 hours so I went away from college. They texted me eventually, and said we could talk properly today.

Anyway, today! After my exam I got to speak to someone from one of my classes about the exam, we talked about how I found it easy while hey found it hard. It was maths… maths is easy… in my opinion, for some reason everyone finds it hard. I then got to speak to my counsellor from academic support! And then I got to speak to my friend! But when my friend’s friends came along, my friend had to go. See, my friend’s friends are more important than me, even though I’m told they aren’t. Now I’m depressed again.

I went home and cut myself. I’m lonely. I will get to talk to my CAMHS counsellor tomorrow but I hate them, and I still haven’t got my new counsellor. I’m also going to my GP tomorrow. My GP always wants to see me to make sure I’m alright, but I like going to them just so that I know I will get to talk to someone in the week, even if it is only for 10 minutes.

Did you hear? I’m lonely… I’ve neglected my blog too because of exams and my mental health. My suicidal thoughts are constantly up and down, I don’t know whether they were up or down in the last post but they are somewhere in the middle on this post. I’ve also neglected my lovely readers, I want to say I will actually reply to your comments this time but I feel so sad I’m not sure whether I can.

I’m lonely…

Counting Cuts – How Many Can I Do?

Yeah, whatever mental illness I am suffering from, it is definitely getting worse again! Today I decided I would cut myself 49 times, one for each day I have been on this medication that is doing absolutely nothing for me. My suicidal thoughts are on the way back up after I thought the medication was making them go down, my cutting is also on the way back up and I’m still feeling as sad and as isolated as ever. As someone who is sitting real exams in a few weeks, this could not have come at a worse time. So today, what happened?

I went to counselling today. I decided I would give my counsellor the silent treatment. This was the first time I had seen them in 4 weeks (they didn’t want to see me sooner), and also the first time I had seen them after receiving the strange letter. I hate them. I said to my friend earlier in the day that I wouldn’t mind if my counsellor jumped off a cliff, obviously I don’t mean that, I think I let my emotions get the better of me as I would never want anyone to commit suicide, but I think that shows how much I hate them. I didn’t want to talk to them and I wanted them to know it. I want my new counsellor to come as soon as possible.

My cuts tally...

My cuts tally…

My counsellor just made me feel worse, while sitting in that room listening to them try to get an answer out of me I knew I was going to go home and cut. I wasn’t planning to do anything like I did but I could see something coming. I got home after counselling and was normal for a few hours… or normal for me. I went to my room and cried for a bit then played a game on my phone. I haven’t been able to concentrate on exam revision very well for a while so it is not surprising that I didn’t get any done. But after I had dinner it went downhill. I decided that I had to do one cut for every day this new medication had failed me, so I checked out the calendar and counted how many days I had been taking it. 1, 2, 3… 47, 48, 49! 49 days of failed medication! I have been on my medication for 7 weeks and I don’t feel worse. I guess I deserve these 49 cuts.

I did two cuts and thought I wasn’t going to reach 49. I stopped for about 5 minutes. However, I am someone who doesn’t give up easily so I kept going. I reached 7 cuts quite early on before realising I shouldn’t be doing a tally of my cuts, let alone attempt to reach 49 cuts. I distracted myself with my phone again but I was constantly feeling sadder every minute as I thought about how my week had gone so far. I don’t know how but I made it to 10 cuts while still on my phone. Distracting myself was clearly not working. 12. 15. 18. 20. I had got to 20 cuts when I decided enough was enough.

Click here to read about my self-harm record from a few months ago, which has been broken a lot since.

I attempted to do some revision but it failed. I did two more cuts which takes my total to 22. I still have 3 hours left in the day and I have no idea what I will do. I don’t know whether to stop, I don’t know whether to try to reach 49 cuts. I am confused.

Talk Of Suicide

Suicide. Thinking about it isn’t even strange to me anymore, it is just a normal part of life. Want to know what is strange? Going an hour without thinking about killing myself. That happened once, I’m not exactly sure when but I know it happened. I’m sure there used to be a time before I was depressed that I didn’t think about suicide but I have no memories of what that felt like. I’m sure it felt good but I have no idea.

TRIGGER WARNING: There is a lot of talk about suicide. I talk about suicide on my blog a lot without including a trigger warning but I imagine this could easily trigger someone. Please don’t read if you feel like you could be triggered by talk of suicide.

Some people in my maths class were talking about suicide, it was a very strange conversation. I think most “intelligent” people lack the ability to have normal conversations, but then that makes me question how they are so intelligent. One of them said their preferred method of suicide would be to jump out of a window, that’s when I realised how stupid they actually were. Jump out of a window? I think they were also referring to the window they were standing next to, which would have probably broke their legs at most if they jumped out. Idiot. The other person said they would shoot themselves in the head. I wouldn’t trust this person to do that, I don’t think they even know how a gun works. How would they also get a gun? Gun suicide is not very common in the UK compared to America, and I wonder how a working-class teenage girl would get a gun.

Anyway, at one point I was ready to jump out and scream the best way to do it. Recently the idea of carbon monoxide suicide has come to the front of my mind. Easy, painless, you just fall asleep while it happens. How could these people not consider it? I sat silent because telling everyone I am the master of suicide plans (despite being alive?) is not the kind of thing you should say at college. Yeah, if you survive carbon monoxide suicide you will possibly have permanent brain damage but my brain already feels dead…

Tomorrow I get to go to my counsellor and tell them I hate them, I never want to talk to them again and that the medication I’m on is not working. In fact my suicidal thoughts are getting worse again. At least this medication hasn’t made me do anything stupid (yet). I overdosed on Propranolol (worst idea ever – it did almost nothing except upset my stomach and make me feel dizzy a bit) and the Fluoxetine made me so suicidal I had to go hospital. Sertraline seems to be the medication that does nothing, and I’ve been on it for almost seven weeks.

I doubt I will say those things to my counsellor, but if I could do anything it would be much worse. I have a very interesting memory of sitting in the room with my counsellor once thinking about picking up the stapler and violently bashing them repeatedly with it until I could walk out the room without a stupid comment from them (I’m sure we all get these thoughts, right?). That is one of the things I could think about while smiling. But I know that is a stupid idea now… I’m not sure how easy it is to commit suicide while in prison.

I’ve asked to speak to my friend before I go counselling tomorrow. Yeah, that friend who was my friend one month but then fell out with me, then we became friends again but fell out, and now we talk! That friend. I blame myself for our failed friendship but I guess the job of my new counsellor would be to convince me otherwise. They have agreed to talk to me for a few minutes before I leave to go counselling. I haven’t yet decided whether to cry in front of them (something I am yet to do), beg for their eternal forgiveness (but I don’t know what for yet) or to tell them they have been a bad friend to me and they need to get their act together. Actually, I will probably just say I really need someone to help me get through this, which falls somewhere between begging and telling them they have been a bad friend. Closer to begging. A lot closer to begging. I’ll probably cry. I have about 16 hours to think this over. Well.

What if this talk goes wrong? And my counselling? And that stats test tomorrow? And talking to that girl at college? Yeah, they will all go wrong. At least I have cutting. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone but I love it, I want to keep cutting all to myself. Don’t cut guys! I can cut though. I love watching the blood run out of my veins, I love the pain that I get, I love knowing that no one cares about me and I don’t either. I’m not bothered by scarring, so what. My mind is already mentally scarred by the emotional neglect I’ve received for 17 years. Even if someone loved and cared about me, the damage to my mind has already been done. I’m a failed person. Should I celebrate? Do I get a little badge for it? No, I just get scars and a face full of tears.

P.S. The featured image is old, I’ve been cutting more again…

Blogging Upsets Me

Blogging upsets me, like everything else. I’ve been on my medication for 5 and a half weeks now so I’m meant to be feeling better. I have less suicidal thoughts but my mood is even worse, so here’s another thing that doesn’t work. I’m going to get upset over everything now, I don’t think blogging is going to help me. I probably won’t write anything for a while, I’ll just get upset and sit in my room crying or something. Don’t get worried if I don’t post for a while, I don’t even think I could be bothered to kill myself if I wanted to.

I guess the sun is out so that should cheer me up, but it doesn’t when you can’t wear t-shirts…

The Worst Symptoms of Depression

Depression, one of the most talked about topics on my blog with suicide and counselling but I’ll have to talk about it again as it is the theme of the day for my Blogging A to Z challenge. I thought I would take a slightly different approach from moaning about my life… so I’ll moan about my symptoms. Well, kind of. Today I shall talk about the symptoms of depression that annoy me the most, besides the obvious feeling very, very sad.

Symptoms Of Depression
Well, how can we decide on the most annoying symptoms if we don’t even know them? I’ve taken these from the NHS website, so check that out if you want more information.

Psychological symptoms include:
– continuous low mood or sadness
– feeling hopeless and helpless
– having low self-esteem
– feeling tearful
– feeling guilt-ridden
– feeling irritable and intolerant of others
– having no motivation or interest in things
– finding it difficult to make decisions
– not getting any enjoyment out of life
– feeling anxious or worried
– having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself

Physical symptoms include:
– moving or speaking more slowly than usual
– change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)
– constipation
– unexplained aches and pains
– lack of energy or lack of interest in sex (loss of libido)
– changes to your menstrual cycle
– disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning)

Social symptoms include:
– not doing well at work
– taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
– neglecting your hobbies and interests
– having difficulties in your home and family life

Please note that I don’t suffer from all of these symptoms, if my menstrual cycle changed (or even if I, as a guy, managed to have one) I would be claiming to have something quite different from depression.

Disturbed Sleep
Have you ever had a list of things to do and you know the exact order you want to do them? I often have lists which go similar to “write a blog post, do some college revision, message my friend, go to sleep”. This symptom of depression can often make me do the list backwards, meaning I fall asleep first! Last week I was struggling to stay awake past 9pm while the week before there were nights I stayed awake until 2am. I’m not actually sure whether depression is meant to do that, I always thought depression either made you unable to sleep, or sleep too much, not both! The lack of revision due to my sleepiness will probably make my exams much harder, but I dread to think what will happen if I don’t get any sleep before my exam. This is one of the most annoying symptoms for me, especially when you are forced to listen to Taylor Swift at 4am because you have ran out of songs to listen to after staying awake all night…

Neglecting Your Hobbies And Interests
Yes, this counts as a symptom. The worst thing about this symptom is that I know if I do my hobbies I will feel better. If I go for a run I will feel better. If I program something interesting on the computer I will feel better. However for some reason my mind has decided I am only allowed to think about my hobbies, actually doing them is banned whilst suffering from depression. What is also annoying is that this then forces me to sit at home on my laptop thinking about how sad I am, so I feel even worse. When I manage to pickup my hobbies again I will feel so much better. Have I used the word “feel” too much yet? It’s probably because I feel bad about neglecting my hobbies.

Having Suicidal and Self-Harm Thoughts
Nothing will make you feel better than thinking about harming and killing yourself… wrong! Nothing will make you feel worse. Suicide is one of the most talked about topics on my blog so this symptom is probably annoying both my readers and me. I dream of the day where I don’t think about harming myself, I really do, and I know when that day comes I will have made significant progress with my mental health. Seriously, this symptom appears everywhere. Having a shower? Yeah, I might kill myself later. Eating my breakfast? Oh, I need to cut myself now. Brushing my teeth? Oh, I could always brush too hard and make my gums bleed (I’ve not actually done that but I’m pretty sure it’s possible). This pattern of thought continues throughout the whole day so it gets annoying pretty fast.

Feeling Sad
Okay, okay, I said I wont mention it, but how can I not include it on this list. It goes without saying, feeling depressed is one of the most common, most annoying and most frequent symptom of depression. You might think you are having it tough when you are sad for half a day, try living with depression.

If I am honest, I could probably think of a reason for every symptom to be on this list, they are all so horrible. Things like this make me wish there were a magic cure for depression, but then I wonder what I would blog about! Besides the obvious ones, what would you say is the most annoying symptoms of your mental illness are? Don’t have a mental illness? Just speculate.


This post is part of my Blogging A to Z April Challenge. The theme for today is “depression”. Fortunately tomorrow the challenge gives me a break, so don’t expect anything, although I may have a surprise for my followers (note the use of the word “may”).

CAMHS: That Counselling Service I Love And Hate

CAMHS… The way I talk about my counselling, the nations counselling service for children and teenagers, you might think it is closer to hell than helpful. I’ll be fair and say I have experienced some good aspects of CAMHS in the few months I have been under their service, but at the same time I have had experiences that have only made my mental health worse. Yes, it is time for me to revisit the tales of my dreaded counsellor who managed to invent 13 people and allowed me to go home with a plan to kill myself. Today, I’ll talk about my experiences with CAMHS.

Well, when I first got the letter for my CAMHS counselling session I was excited. I had been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for months. In my eyes CAMHS was this miracle service that could end my depression and keep me on the right track to lead a “normal” life. I had read stories on the internet about people who had gone to CAMHS and received no help but that did not worry me as I had also read stories of the complete opposite. I knew if I did not get help soon (I was already seeing my GP but they not meant to be as good with mental health as CAMHS) I would probably end up doing something I would regret… or something I wouldn’t be able to regret. I started with CAMHS straight after New Years, it was on the first week of 2015.

I met my counsellor, I didn’t like my counsellor, they are probably the reason why I hate CAMHS so much. But at the time I met them I had only talked to one other person from CAMHS who I met at the hospital, and they were not nice to me. So now I had met two people from the same organisation who weren’t helpful, in fact they both made me feel worse. What did my counsellor do you might be thinking, I’ll tell you.

We’ll start off small. My counsellor is meant to talk through my problems with me, and when they have an idea or solution they also talk through that with me. Maybe these health professionals are also meant to jump to strange conclusions, but I doubt it. One time early in my counselling I was asked if I had ever drank alcohol, and I said yes as most teenagers have drank alcohol. I was then asked how often I drink alcohol to which I replied I don’t really drink alcohol very often. I am not sure whether my counsellor decided I am hiding something but even after talking to my dad about it she believes I drink regularly. I was in the room when she talked to my dad and my dad said I don’t really drink alcohol. This is one of the mysteries of CAMHS. The same happened when she asked if any of my friends drink or take drugs, and I said I do have friends who smoke occasionally. Apparently this means my friends have drinking and drug problems. That doesn’t make sense to me, another one of the mysteries of CAMHS.

My counsellor does make up things that I’ve never said quite frequently. They have managed to invent 11 friends I’ve never had while at the same time invent a dad and a sister that I’ve never had (unless I have a second dad and sister hiding somewhere). They’ve managed to make up events that have never happened such as panic attacks, which is why they have probably diagnosed me with mixed depressive and anxiety disorder, something they have never discussed with me and something I believe is wrong. If they make up so much stuff how can I believe their diagnosis? In fact I have my own rule which is whatever they diagnose me with is wrong. The worst part about all of this is that they broke confidentiality and sent all the wrong information to my parents in a letter. Fortunately the letter also had my name on it so I managed to get it before my parents, they never saw it.

This is not the worst thing about my counsellor. Imagine having a plan to kill yourself, trying to receive help, and the one person who is meant to help you the most has decided you don’t need help and sends you home with a plan to kill yourself. That is not quite what happened but it is close. One time, my counsellor could not be bothered to talk to me so they gave me a questionnaire to fill in while they left me alone in the room. The questionnaire had over 100 questions and took me a while to complete. Some of the questions were related to suicide, and one asked me if I had a plan to kill myself. I said yes. At the time I did not actually have a plan to kill myself but I was very suicidal and wanted some help, I was foolish to think my counsellor would help me. They read the questionnaire after and asked me about my plan, they then went to talk to their supervisor and came back deciding that I don’t need any help. They sent me home. That has taught me not to go to my counsellor when I actually do have a plan, I’ll go straight to the hospital instead. Maybe there they can actually help me.

And they can. The hospital is where I have experienced the better side of CAMHS. Twice I have gone to the hospital to see an out-of-hours CAMHS person whilst being under the service, the only other time was before I started with CAMHS and met a horrible person but I tend to forget about that. The first time I met a man who worked for CAMHS, this was when I had been prescribed some new medication which was making me more suicidal, a common side effect for teenagers apparently. This man so kind to me, we talked about video games for a while when we were meant to be talking about my suicidal thoughts, but actually that made me less suicidal. I don’t know whether that was his plan but it worked. He also realised it was the medication making me more suicidal and gave me a plan to stop the medication, and spoke to my counsellor asking to start new medication as soon as possible. That was a great experience. During this same visit to the hospital my parents arrived and started shouting at me, and a woman working at the hospital allowed me to stay in a separate area away from my parents. That may sound small but it meant so much to me. This visit to the hospital was the first time I realised that CAMHS was there to help me.

The second visit to the hospital was also a good experience, or at least as good as it can get while being suicidal. I had stabbed myself and was wanting to see a mental health worker to talk to about my suicidal thoughts. They told me an out-of-hours CAMHS worker was on their way. After waiting all night for this CAMHS person to appear, they finally did in the early hours of the morning. Our conversation did not seem long to me although it was over an hour, we talked about how life was for me an general and why I had come to the hospital specifically this time. They were very kind to me and they helped me a lot, we came up with a care plan that my CAMHS counsellor never did. I have actually requested that I have regular meeting with this person instead of my current counsellor, which would probably be the greatest thing CAMHS could do for me at that point.

So while my CAMHS counsellor is horrible and probably makes me feel worse, I know that there are people in the service who can help. When I look at CAMHS reviews online they always get very positive reviews or very negative reviews, and I can see why. CAMHS seems like a great service but it always depends who you talk to as that is the main thing about the service, it is mostly about talking. To anyone who has to start with CAMHS I would recommend trying it out, you can always request a different counsellor, or stop all together. At least if you try you might get help and you might get better. Now I’m hoping for my counsellor to be changed soon, the sooner the better…


This post is part of my Blogging A to Z April Challenge. The theme for yesterday was meant to be “CAMHS” but I fell asleep very early and could not publish it, so I’ve published it this morning. Later today I was focus on depression, the main theme of my blog. Watch this space!

A Is For Award

Blogging From A to Z April 2015 Challenge! This looks like an amazing challenge and I would recommend that everyone tries it, so check out this post and find out how to participate. In other news I got an award… which is kind of my ‘A’ word for the first day of this challenge. That means I get to fill my post with random nonsense! So I’ll get this award out of the way first.

Creative Blogger Award!CreativeBloggerAward
Yay! I’ve won the Leibster Award so this is a great addition to my blogging trophy case. I want to thank Ganbatte96 for the nomination, and you should check out her blog The Deep End Diaries here. It is definitely worth a read, and maybe even a follow! I haven’t prepared my award acceptance speech so I’ll move onto the five facts about me:

1) I want to study Computer Science at university! That has nothing to do with my blog, and to the disappointment of one of my readers it is not maths…
2) I used to want to learn Spanish but then I gave up (I can still kind of speak it) so now I’m learning Hebrew. Random!
3) Before my depression stopped me running regularly I could run a 5k in under 19 minutes… if you don’t run then it is probably faster than you.
4) The first thing you see when you walk into my room is probably the TV, it isn’t big or anything, that’s just the layout of my room.
5) I’ve only ever broken one bone in my body, my arm, which happened by playing football (known as “soccer” by my American readers).

Well, that’s five facts about me. I doubt any of my readers would have guessed any of these things about me unless I’ve mentioned them before without realising. So now? Nominations! I’ve chosen to nominate:
Bipolarsojourner
Well done on breaking your yearly views record too, in the first three months of the year!
Depression Darling
Ive probably nominated you for something before, but when I think of Creative Blogging your pictures come to mind.
DeepBluesAndSeaFoamGreens
You are probably still in France… but surprise! Also, you have to mention me in your vlog now I’ve nominated you… hehe…
CoastalBeach (My Depression and Anxiety Blog)
I hope this doesn’t wreck your A to Z April challenge, you could do it for “C” (Creative Blogger) maybe?

And here are the rules for my nominations:
– Nominate blogs and notify all nominees via their social media/blogs
– Thank and post the link of the blog that nominated you (very important)
– Share 5 facts about yourself to your readers
– Pass these rules onto them

Blogging From A to Z April 2015 ChallengeBloggingAToZ
What is it? Well…

“Basically, you would start beginning April 1st with a topic themed on something with the letter A, then on April 2nd another topic with the letter B as the theme, and so on until you finish on April 30th with the theme based on the letter Z. It doesn’t even have to be a word – it can be a proper noun, the letter used as a symbol, or the letter itself. The theme of the day is the letter scheduled for that day and you skip Sundays.”

It looks like fun. If you haven’t guessed, my theme for today was “Award”. I’m hoping to get all of the other themes to be related to mental health, which looks like an interesting challenge. I don’t know what I am going to do for certain letters (mainly “X”, I hate that letter…) but I have some time to think about it. Also, I don’t have to post on Sundays! Easy stuff… I recommend you try it out too, I would love to read everybody’s A to Z. I heard about it here, so this blog is worth checking out. If you want more information, click here. And that’s a wrap people…

P.S. There wasn’t a single April Fools joke in my article! Or was there?