Why My Friends Mother Probably Wishes I Am Dead

I’ve spent all morning looking at suicide related information and videos on the internet. Then I get a call, which would be the first person I would get to talk to in two days, and it is the mother of my friend who helps me with my mental illness. They basically told me to not talk to my friend again, and that they would talk to my friend so say the same thing. They do have perfect timing with these things, nobody gives me bad news when I’m not thinking about killing myself, then again it is probably all my fault. I’ll explain.

I have this friend who helps me out with my mental illness, someone who I mention a lot on this blog because we often fall out and become friends again. We have had one major falling out in the past where I think they blocked my number, but then unblocked it and decided to become friends with me again. The more I think about it, the more I get confused. Anyway, this friend is a girl, and I’m a guy. I can’t ever imagine talking to any of my guy friends (who actually don’t care about me or talk to me) about my mental illness as they would probably laugh at me, make endless jokes and then we would go for a “Cheeky Nandos”. Something like that… So when I talk to my friend (the girl) some people will think I like her as more than a friend, because at the young age of 17 it is impossible to have a friend of the opposite sex without liking them apparently (unless you are gay, you can get away with it then). So that’s why I think my friends’ mother must hate me. I’m a guy talking to a girl, I think that could get me locked away for life.

Anyway, I’ve spent the whole morning looking at suicide related things on the internet. I’m very depressed again. I’m not sure whether it is exams, the fact I wont get to talk to anyone for a week, or just my mental illness in general, but I’m feeling a lot lower than usual (which is low anyway). As a side note, my medication has never been working so maybe they will change it. Back on topic, I decided to ring my friend because I needed someone to talk to, which is what everyone recommends you do when you are suicidal. I’m just following advice. My friend didn’t answer. But then within 30 seconds I get another call from an unknown number, which I decide to answer as it might be my friend from a different mobile. However, it is my friends mother who decides to rant on about how she doesn’t want “boys calling [name] on her mobile”. Yeah, my friend may as well quit college and move to an all girls college, graduating to become a nun. Everyone in the world is stupid.

The only other problem is probably all my fault. I have rang my friend quite a lot in the past few days, due to me getting more and more depressed. Somewhere between 20 and 30 times since Friday lunchtime, with them answering roughly one in six of them. All of them were because I was feeling lonely or depressed and needed someone to talk to. I can’t talk to my online friend due to Shabbat (the weekly Jewish festival where orthodox Jews don’t use electronic devices between Friday sunset to Saturday sunset – one of the many rules). I had no one else to talk to. During one of the calls I thought I was ringing them too much so I asked them. They said it was fine but if they don’t answer I should try to wait for them to call me back. I thought that was fine then. I’m not sure if I actually did anything wrong but I blame myself for it if I did.

So now this has me worrying about what will happen next. I’ve already cut myself several times because I think the world is going to end. Being mentally ill I tend to imagine the worst things are going to happen. I have decided that the police may arrive to take me away, to which I’ll plead insanity because either I’m insane or the rest of the world is if I’m not allowed to talk to a girl. I also imagine the college kicking me out, at which point I’ll decide to start my own online business but give up after a week because I will kill myself. I have also decided I might run away from home. I don’t know if any of these will actually happen but I guess I’m crazy.

I am meant to sit five exams next week (well on Monday I can say next week, I’m losing track of time), and I am meant to be revising for the next week to prepare. I guess I can’t do that now because I’ll probably spend the next week cutting myself while thinking about suicide. It sounds like a fun week ahead! I do get to see my GP on Friday, but I’m not looking forward it as the police might wait for me there and arrest me. I have googled whether talking to girls is a criminal offence and the internet says it is, I just hope that isn’t true. Anyway, I’m off to cut myself and make myself look even more crazy so I can plead insanity, goodbye.

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9 thoughts on “Why My Friends Mother Probably Wishes I Am Dead

  1. I’m so sorry to read that you are having such a hard time. I’m sorry that your friend’s mom did that to you. I wonder if maybe she doesn’t understand mental illness? Or maybe she is worried that your friend will be brought down because of what you are going through? Not matter, why she called and said that, I’m sorry. That is really shitty, when you don’t have many supportive people. I hope that you can find someone else who can be your support. Keep looking, it’s hard to find the right person, but they ARE out there. Until then, you have all of us here in your blogging world. We are here for you and supporting you!

    ~Devin

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  2. Hi there once again. If such thing happens, you have so little option to have someone whom you could share things that are bothering you. People that have not experienced or have anyone close to them that has the same mental disorder will fear you. They think that, especially in your case, you will influence her to be suicidal. If you are a parent that have no idea how it works or to deal with it you would do the same. It is good to keep the people you are talking to about certain thoughts at a minimum but you will eventually need to expand or find another way to unleash such thoughts. I prefer that you keep doing this blogs or even if you are not in front of a computer you should continue still continue on writing about how you are feeling. All of us wants to find a certain person or group of people that we could open up to and understand that we are having such problems. But Most of the time, it is just us, all we need is ourselves, to find a creative way to release such problems. Whether creating scripts for movies, plays or even games or do painting, create a youtube channel and make a vid talking to the camera. We just need an outlet. The darkest day can be the brightest once you stepped on the final step. See you again my friend!

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  3. Firstly, it’s not illegal to talk to this girl or anyone, you’re not going to get arrested for it so relax on that score. I’m guessing her mother is just being a mother and being overly-protective, so again, nothing to worry about, that’s normal.

    The other things you’re worried about, I’m typing this one phone which isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do so please bare with me. Look at each problem in turn, and ask yourself “what’s the worst that could happen?”, then, ask yourself how likely the worst thing imaginable is to happen, and most likely you’ll realise that the chances are very slim. Try to look at things logically like a Vulcan would, however difficult that might be, I know, I’ve been there, when you’re down its bloody difficult to get yourself back up when you can’t see light at the end of the tunnel (and that light isn’t always a speeding train heading in your direction lol).

    You said you’ve got your exams coming up, so try and throw yourself into revision if just to distract yourself from the world around you, but remember to eat and drink properly and take regular breaks.

    Hope this helps, and feel free to pm me anytime (although I probably won’t reply till after 9pm as I’m working now).

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  4. Can you get help from someone besides your GP? Do you have a good therapist? It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult time, and you deserve proper support. Friends can be great, but they can also be overwhelmed sometimes by the depth of pain you are experiencing. So sometimes when they seem like they don’t care or pull away from you, it is not because they don’t like you but just because they don’t know how to react properly. Then on top of that, because you are young, you run into the protective mom problem. I am quite sure she doesn’t wish you were dead, and she’d probably be horrified to learn how much you are suffering. From her uninformed perspective, you are just a boy who is calling her daughter too much.

    So that leaves you in the very tough position of needing connection and needing help, but not having anywhere to turn. Please remind yourself over and over that this situation is NOT YOUR FAULT. You deserve to have those needs met. Is there a counselor at your college? A drop-in center for young people in your city? Any kind of available mental health care? I feel worried about you!

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  5. I’m not going to say sorry, because you might not want any pity from anyone anymore. But what I will say, is that you can get through this. Don’t give up, I know this is extremely hard, now more than ever since you can’t talk to your friend, but what would she tell you? That’s what you gotta think about, If she knew how you were feeling right now, What would she tell you? What would she want? And no, Girls and guys can be friends, it’s not bad. Every girl needs a guy friend and every guy needs a girl friend.

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  6. It’s such a shame that it’s hard for you. There was this one person on YouTube I liked, but she’s depressed herself and isn’t uploading that much anymore. Last few years, I was quite lonely due to social anxiety and anger issues. But, unlike others, I never gave up hope. No matter how rough it got, I never gave up. Anyways, your friend’s mom made a very questionable choice. She may not be aware that depression is a Mental Disorder rather than a feeling.
    When it comes to these things, you have to learn how to stand up for yourself. If you don’t, you’ll fall into an endless darkness and never be seen again. To quote a character from Xenogears: “Survive!” That’s all I have to say for now.

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