I Found Out How To Kill Myself!

Yeah, I’ve figured out how I can now kill myself without having to even leave my room, I just need to decide whether to do it or not. I’ve managed to set it up already so that is not a problem. Could I go through with it? And would it actually work? I’m not sure.

I have rope in my room, one end of it is tied to my bed. The other end is currently lying on the floor (the noose is also tied just to let you know) but my plan would be to hang it round a bar off my wall which can support my weight. I also have a stool/chair thing in my room which I can use to get up to the noose once I put it around the bar. Then I can jump off. There might be a strange case where the bar somehow doesn’t support my weight, or the bed moves to stop me hanging myself, but I think if I put stuff on top of my bed to weigh it down then everything should go fine.

Apparently my suicidal thoughts should be going down now. In fact I got another letter from my CAMHS person today who claims that I’m having no suicidal thoughts. I wont even bother writing about that, what is the point? We all know I hate my CAMHS counsellor. I haven’t even heard from the new one I am meant to be getting, is there any point in waiting?

My family still don’t care. My friends don’t care. I’m not even sure what the point in writing about all of this is. It is the same each time. My family don’t love me, my friends don’t care, I’m lonely, I’m depressed… the list goes on. I don’t think they would cry if I died, I don’t think I could cry if they died.

I feel ill. Physically and mentally. Anyone who thinks depression isn’t a serious illness should jump off a cliff, I’ll jump off with you. I wish I didn’t have depression. If I had the choice I would trade it with cancer because at least I know it will end at some point, dead or alive. I don’t want to live anymore.

Oh well…

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26 thoughts on “I Found Out How To Kill Myself!

  1. deepbluesandseafoamgreens says:

    Please. Don’t
    I know it’s somewhat futile (me saying this) given that this is merely a – begging – comment, but I care about you (weirdly enough, some degree of compassion can be felt via the Internet and – OH I NEED TO STOP WITH THE LONG WINDED BRACKETS) –
    …….
    .

    Liked by 3 people

    • It’s been 19 wks since my 17 yr old son took his life and people do care you just can’t see it. Depression is a liar don’t listen to it I’ve been there my self it wants you to think no one lives and no one cares and that you are useless. Don’t beleve it, it’s a liar

      Liked by 4 people

    • I would encourage you to find a loving Christian church–they can become the loving family you have never had. God loves you unconditionally and can give your life the meaning it is currently lacking. Do not give up because God created you for a reason! Go to Google and type in the following scriptures: Romans 8: 31-39, Philippians 2:13, Romans 12: 4-12. I will be praying for you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. God cares. God loves you with all his heart. If you can’t find anyone/anything in your life currently that makes you want to live (even something as simple as a favorite song you like to listen to), just look to God and know that it hurts him to see you in so much pain and He wants you to have an everlasting life in Heaven with Him. But that will not happen if you kill yourself. I have major Depression too. I’ve attempted suicide before. I used to be an Atheist. But through all this pain I’ve managed to find Him and He has given me a purpose. Do not write this off as some crazy “bible thumper” or whatever, because believe me, I used to think that about a lot of people who told me to “find God.” This is someone who is in the same boat as you. The only difference is that I have a close relationship with God and that is reason enough for me to keep going. He fills the voids. Please try to seek Him out.

    I started going to church last year, not because I wanted to be a Christian, but because I thought at the very least it would bring some positive vibes into my life. And it did. But even more than that, it also helped me to transition and have faith in God. And that’s the best thing I could’ve ever done for myself. I’m not saying that you need to do what I did, but I am saying that it’s worth a try. Because when you get to a place where you realize He is there, it’s going to be a beautiful thing and you will wonder how you ever thought that killing yourself was the answer.

    You are in my prayers. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Please don’t! Just like the above commenter said, we do care ❤️ That’s why we’re commenting. I know that depression is extremely difficult to get through. But if you end things now, you are taking away your own chance of getting through this dark phase of your life and finding new, better things on the other side. Trust me, I understand how hard it is to be lonely. But we ALL have the potential to find people who we care for and people who care about us. With effort and time, and by giving out as much love and patience and understanding and care as you possibly can to everyone you meet (even if you don’t expect to receive it back) you will find such people eventually! Some of them will be completely new people, and some of them will be people from your past who will learn to see you in a different light. But that will never happen if you end things now.

    Please, Depressionless. Your readers do care about you and we want you to give yourself a chance to have a happy life.

    Again, I remember you made a really inspiring list a while ago – it was comprised of things you can do to distract yourself from thoughts of suicide or self harm if such thoughts do occur. That was such an awesome list for you to make and share, because it shows the generosity of your soul and how you want to help others as well as yourself. Please go back to that list now and benefit from all that awesomeness you put into it! ❤️ You do have the potential to have a good life and be a happy person. You HAVE feelings of kindness, compassion and love for the world inside you. The world NEEDS MORE people like you who show kindness. The world will be worse off for losing such people! So please don’t deprive the world of one more beautiful person! You have the potential to inspire so many and make a difference to so many lives! ❤️ You already inspired me with that list you made. Go out there and spread more of that positivity and love! You never know what new friends are waiting around the corner for you if you give yourself another chance and be open to them. You never know how past relationships might heal if you give yourself another chance and be open to them.

    We care about you!! ❤️

    Liked by 5 people

  4. I care about you! Please don’t do this. Your life is worth living. I know depression and suicidal feelings. I know how lonely you can feel. But those feelings will eventually past. Please don’t kill yourself. You can talk to me about anything. I will be there for you. I need and want you to survive. There are others how there who know how you feel. I’m want of them. Remember that you can reach out and talk to me. I’m here to listen. I want you to live!!!

    Like

  5. 1-800-273-8255 – Call the number before you do something that does not have a do-over! We do care about you. This too shall pass. Praying for you my friend.

    Like

  6. Your disease is lying to you and the ironic thing is you basically said that in your post. Just put it off one more day, do one more thing that gives you joy, reach out for help and just know one day you will look back on all this and shake your head. It certainly isn’t your fault and it is obvious you’ve made a great impact on all of us. I love you and I want you to stay here!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I see a lot of my past self in you. I didn’t think it was going to get better. I didn’t think anyone cared. But I am currently getting ready to go off to university next year to become an even better writer and I am so glad that I didn’t rob myself of the chance to get better mentally, to have a happy life, to have fantastic experiences.

    Once it’s done, it’s done, and you can’t take it back. Suicide is, cliche but truly enough, a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wouldn’t guarantee that it will get better if I didn’t know–that’s right, KNOW–that it will. I can’t wait to see what you do with the rest of your life, I really can’t. I care about you so much and want you to know that you can get through this. I may just know you on the internet, but through this blog I’ve gotten to know and feel for you, and I want you to get away from this depression. You can beat it!

    I’m the happiest I’ve ever been most days. I still have bad days, but if I would have given up when every day was a bad day, I wouldn’t have seen the best moments of my life or continue to make each day more memorable than the last. This is a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend, don’t let it end here. I know you’ll get better, I just hope it happens soon. I’m rooting for you. We all are ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I want you to disassemble all the apparatus and get rid of it. I want you to make it harder to kill yourself. Just go through the motions if necessary, but do this.

    I am a lot older than you. This means I have children who have lived through the age you are now. One of them used to practice self-asphyxiation. He had it all set up and whenever the stress got to be too much he would choke himself for as long as necessary. Yes, I realize this is not the same as you but bear with me.

    One day it went wrong. He completely lost consciousness and could not release the belt he used. He would have died like that. But…. the closet door handle (that he fastened the belt to) gave way eventually and he crashed onto the floor and smashed his face and laid there like that awhile. He woke up in a pool of blood from the cut he got on his nose.

    He ended up in the emergency psych ward and was then admitted to the locked unit of a psych hospital where he stayed a couple days.

    We got the call in the middle of the night and drove there the next day to take care of things.

    It was the most tragic days of our lives to realize what we almost lost. It was a long time ago now but it still breaks my heart thinking about it.

    But what matters most in this story is that my son realized himself that he got a second chance and that he did not really want to do this to himself anymore. He found out what his issues were that year and found ways that he was able to actually work on them. It is fourteen years later and he is doing well and is glad that things went the way they did rather than the way they might have gone.

    I want you to skip right over the act and go right to the second chance. You are smart enough to figure a way that will work for you. Do not break anybody’s heart especially your own.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Depressionless, I go through the same feelings at times. It comes in waves. Sometimes they’re strong and sometimes they’re not as intense. But they’re always lurking just under the surface of my skin. Pushing and trying to get through. My combination of Lexapro and Abilify keep these feelings at bay for the most part but everyone’s combination is different. I only started this combination after about 30 years of having depression and as a result of being in the hospital from unsuccessfully hanging myself.

    Please stay strong and reach out to someone who cares and loves you during your time of darkness. Someone who will take you in their arms and listen without judgment.

    Like

  10. I definitely know what its like to try to kill yourself, to fail and want out so badly and have no reason to stay, but please promise me that you won’t try to kill yourself. We are all here to help you, to tell you that it will get better. We care. I don’t want you to die. Ill even give you my contact information if it means you have someone to talk to and you will try to survive. It is so difficult to live and to walk away from suicide, but I believe in you and I`m begging you to stay.

    Like

  11. Family and friendship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, is it? Why kill yourself for the shortcomings of others though? There are so many here who have posted telling you they care. How much can they? I can’t say. Many of them could be half way across the globe for all you know. But don’t kill yourself because you’re all alone. Most of us are. That’s when these thoughts come to take primacy in our mind.
    I know these are trite words, “Look within”. But maybe they can be better phrased.
    “Be selfish!” Fuck ’em all if they won’t help you. If it’s revenge you want, take it. Killing will do, what, exactly? No one would bother too much, or too long. Maybe staying alive despite them will.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. shiivani says:

    Don’t! I only just saw your blog and this is the first post I read and yes, I don’t even know you, but you’re worth so much more than you think you are. It may seem like no one cares, but look around you, everyone here who bothered to comment would be affected if you died. Look at the number of people you’re helping via your posts. If that doesn’t make you feel important, then I don’t know what does.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hey there friend! So you have reached it? found a way to end it all huh? Do you really want to disappear? I will not say not to because i don’t really know if you’ve done it already or not but if you think that you are not given attention by your family or your IRL friends you could find it here, in the internet. It is kind of comforting to have real friends that care about you but it kinda gets annoying for a while when what you desire is not followed.

    If Dying can remove all the thoughts inside your head and go on and vanish forever then i guess we, your followers or people that you can talk to in the internet, has no chance of stopping you. But if you are doing this expecting some attention from your family and friends, then both ways it is your loss.

    Depression is not really a disease, because it is a part of our life. It is a phase, because whether you are a happy person when you were younger you will still face depression in your teens, when you are an adult and working, even when you have a family or even if you are so old that you will die in a few months or days.

    Suicide will be your idea of escape in this world. If you think there is an afterlife or heaven or whatever you believe in that will lead you to somewhere else. Then, you lost, there is nothing behind that door. Nothing. Go, run! sweat like a fat pig on a sunny summer afternoon. Run till your legs can’t anymore and if by chance you will be on a road, hit by a truck hey atleast you died smiling. Why smiling? because running is fun, even for those who got their legs amputated and got prostetic legs, they will still love to run. It will keep your blood running, and with speed you will feel like shit is being flown away from you.

    Whatever you do, it is your decision ok? If you are still alive, run, run like there is no tomorrow or run as fast as the speed of light. Run till your legs give up.

    Life is irritating, yes, but sometimes we just have or meet the people that can give us a new kind of expression in our face. Sometimes, there is this large wall that keep on blocking your way, your sunlight from you but at some point its either you put an effort in breaking it or let it grow old and break it when it is weak.

    So, whatever you do, write to us. Send us a private message if you want to but don’t be mad if we cannot reply as fast as you want. Is that ok?

    Anyway, Pm us. 🙂

    Like

  14. ButterflyVic says:

    Hello there.
    I just want you to know that I have been there. I have hit that low and planned to end everything. I know how it hurts.
    5 years later I’m still here, and I’ve come further than I ever thought I would. I’m at university, I’ve moved out of home, travelled and and I’ve survived.
    I would never have got this far without the support I received . I saw CAMHS , and they never helped. You have to find the right person. I was re referred to a counselling service after ending up in hospital and from then on I started improving.
    Talk to your Dr, teachers, family or friends. Tell CAMHS you feel they’re letting you down. We’re all here wanting to support you so let us help. We care.
    I survived and so can you. Stay strong.
    I’m here if you want to talk x

    Liked by 2 people

  15. where you are sucks! there is little doubt to that. please understand that people do care. as of my writing of this, 17 have offered some form of help to you in many different ways. this group of people, including me, do not want to see you go, if can not see hope yourself take some ours. everyone offers you buckets full of it. so friend, do not go because i care about you.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Dan "Fearless" Freely says:

    Hey,

    I just wanted to stop by and say that I understand what you’re going through. I’ve been fighting with a depression since puberty and when I was finally diagnosed at age 25, I could finally heal the damage.

    I just want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just need to keep looking. A depression sucks the live out of you, but keep waiting for that one moment that you graps on to a bit of fight and never let go.

    You’ll get there.

    Take care,
    Dan.

    Like

  17. Depressionless, I have been following your plight and am happy every time I see you have liked one of my posts. We all here are your ” friends in depression” and understand your angst. Please believe me once you are on the proper medication you will be so happy you stayed around to enjoy your life!! I suffered many years on the wrong medication because I did not like my therapist therefore did not express my true feelings to her. Find a therapist you trust they are not the enemy you have not found the right one yet. I am hoping this was a “post” and not something you are truly contemplating. See what an awesome writer you are!! We are here.

    Liked by 3 people

  18. Please do not do this! There are lots of people who care about you, here on this blog, and out in the real world (even if your depression does not allow you to perceive that right now).

    People often misunderstand depression. Your friends or family members seem unsympathetic or uncaring because they are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say. Please don’t read their inability to give you the support you need as either an accurate picture of your worth or of your ability to eventually find meaningful connection to people.

    Depression feels so terrible, I know. I’ve been having a hard time of it myself recently too. But I do know this from experience–things change. The depression lightens. Where you are right now won’t last forever. You just have to hang in there for a while longer, and it will get better.

    Please take down your rope, and move the stool to another room, at least for today. Make it harder for yourself to take this irrevocable step, and easier to hang on for another day.

    With best wishes,
    Q.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. You don’t know me. You don’t have to read anything I say here. It’s going to piss a good number of people off because the “right” way to respond is to be encouraging. I don’t know how to be encouraging because nothing anyone says when I’m depressed makes me feel better at all. What I can do is show you my hell.

    I start by practicing. I can hold my breath for a couple of minutes. I’m practicing, holding it longer and longer. The goal is holding it long enough to pass out–a friend in junior high taught me that trick. Once I get to that point, the next step is simple enough. It involves laying down in a tub of water and holding my breath.

    Depression lasts forever. It’s endless, a hell that becomes so blinding that I forget anything else ever existed. I look back at happy memories and I feel like they belong to someone else. I look at my friends and wonder how in the hell I let these morons into my life. Depression lasts forever . . . until it’s gone.

    My last cycle was a month and a half. I swore it was longer than that until I went back and read my journal. It had to be three months at least, maybe six? But no, the journal says just March 17th to April 30th. Today, I’m 3 days “clean,” but I feel my “addiction” lurking in the background. The depression is sitting just behind my gut. I know it’s going to knock me down again, and I’m going to find my blades, and decent sleep is going to be a memory. I’m terrified.

    My coping mechanism, when I’m normal, is to write about what the world would look like without me. Every story I’ve ever written, the character based on me dies. I write about who would grieve my loss, and who would say good riddance. It’s so goddamn twisted, but every day I die in a story is one more day I don’t need to die in real life.

    My coping mechanism, when I’m manic, is to dive into a project and work with blind devotion until I’m literally falling asleep. Three years ago, I spent 14 hours working on a floor plan. I didn’t realize any time had passed until my then-significant other texted me to say good morning.

    My coping mechanism, when I’m depressed, it to write letters in a journal. I address the letters to the people I wish cared, and I tell them all of the thoughts in my head. They’re not going to tell anyone. The only way they’re seeing the journal is if I die and they go through my stuff. Wouldn’t it be so funny to be a ghost and watch them react to the crap I wanted to say but couldn’t?

    If it gets really, really bad (practicing holding my breath in the tub), I force myself to be in public. Last time, I went to Starbucks and sat in front of the window. I watched happy people pass by. I gave them hateful glances and wondered why no one cared about the girl in the window at Starbucks. It was March 24th. I still had 5 weeks of hell left, but by God, I made it.

    This isn’t the right answer. It could really be the wrong answer, but if you and I were in group therapy together, that’s what I would say. It’s hell, unique to every person who walks through it. You shared yours with me. Now you’ve seen a little piece of mine.

    Like

  20. Don’t do it.

    It’s not the answer to any question you might ask yourself.

    I speak as someone who went out one night…and then woke up a month later after being in a medically induced coma.Now I’ve got severe brain injury…..and the point is that your life is worth living and even if you don’t feel that now at some point you will.

    Don’t do it.

    Liked by 1 person

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