Yeah, I’ve figured out how I can now kill myself without having to even leave my room, I just need to decide whether to do it or not. I’ve managed to set it up already so that is not a problem. Could I go through with it? And would it actually work? I’m not sure.
I have rope in my room, one end of it is tied to my bed. The other end is currently lying on the floor (the noose is also tied just to let you know) but my plan would be to hang it round a bar off my wall which can support my weight. I also have a stool/chair thing in my room which I can use to get up to the noose once I put it around the bar. Then I can jump off. There might be a strange case where the bar somehow doesn’t support my weight, or the bed moves to stop me hanging myself, but I think if I put stuff on top of my bed to weigh it down then everything should go fine.
Apparently my suicidal thoughts should be going down now. In fact I got another letter from my CAMHS person today who claims that I’m having no suicidal thoughts. I wont even bother writing about that, what is the point? We all know I hate my CAMHS counsellor. I haven’t even heard from the new one I am meant to be getting, is there any point in waiting?
My family still don’t care. My friends don’t care. I’m not even sure what the point in writing about all of this is. It is the same each time. My family don’t love me, my friends don’t care, I’m lonely, I’m depressed… the list goes on. I don’t think they would cry if I died, I don’t think I could cry if they died.
I feel ill. Physically and mentally. Anyone who thinks depression isn’t a serious illness should jump off a cliff, I’ll jump off with you. I wish I didn’t have depression. If I had the choice I would trade it with cancer because at least I know it will end at some point, dead or alive. I don’t want to live anymore.