Counting Cuts – How Many Can I Do?

Yeah, whatever mental illness I am suffering from, it is definitely getting worse again! Today I decided I would cut myself 49 times, one for each day I have been on this medication that is doing absolutely nothing for me. My suicidal thoughts are on the way back up after I thought the medication was making them go down, my cutting is also on the way back up and I’m still feeling as sad and as isolated as ever. As someone who is sitting real exams in a few weeks, this could not have come at a worse time. So today, what happened?

I went to counselling today. I decided I would give my counsellor the silent treatment. This was the first time I had seen them in 4 weeks (they didn’t want to see me sooner), and also the first time I had seen them after receiving the strange letter. I hate them. I said to my friend earlier in the day that I wouldn’t mind if my counsellor jumped off a cliff, obviously I don’t mean that, I think I let my emotions get the better of me as I would never want anyone to commit suicide, but I think that shows how much I hate them. I didn’t want to talk to them and I wanted them to know it. I want my new counsellor to come as soon as possible.

My cuts tally...

My cuts tally…

My counsellor just made me feel worse, while sitting in that room listening to them try to get an answer out of me I knew I was going to go home and cut. I wasn’t planning to do anything like I did but I could see something coming. I got home after counselling and was normal for a few hours… or normal for me. I went to my room and cried for a bit then played a game on my phone. I haven’t been able to concentrate on exam revision very well for a while so it is not surprising that I didn’t get any done. But after I had dinner it went downhill. I decided that I had to do one cut for every day this new medication had failed me, so I checked out the calendar and counted how many days I had been taking it. 1, 2, 3… 47, 48, 49! 49 days of failed medication! I have been on my medication for 7 weeks and I don’t feel worse. I guess I deserve these 49 cuts.

I did two cuts and thought I wasn’t going to reach 49. I stopped for about 5 minutes. However, I am someone who doesn’t give up easily so I kept going. I reached 7 cuts quite early on before realising I shouldn’t be doing a tally of my cuts, let alone attempt to reach 49 cuts. I distracted myself with my phone again but I was constantly feeling sadder every minute as I thought about how my week had gone so far. I don’t know how but I made it to 10 cuts while still on my phone. Distracting myself was clearly not working. 12. 15. 18. 20. I had got to 20 cuts when I decided enough was enough.

Click here to read about my self-harm record from a few months ago, which has been broken a lot since.

I attempted to do some revision but it failed. I did two more cuts which takes my total to 22. I still have 3 hours left in the day and I have no idea what I will do. I don’t know whether to stop, I don’t know whether to try to reach 49 cuts. I am confused.

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12 thoughts on “Counting Cuts – How Many Can I Do?

  1. How does it feel cutting? Does it satisfy you? Does it distract your brain from thinking of certain things or problems?
    Let’s talk, be there for you if you are in need even though we are distant. ๐Ÿ™‚

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  2. You decided not to talk to the therapist, so why did you go? To have him/her intervene? To play with him/ this?

    It makes me sad but a little angry too. I’m not saying you can control it because I know you most likely can’t. But why go to the therapist? You are getting something from going, but what?

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  3. i wish i could take your pain away. i wish you could experience a clear head for just a day; that would be a start. i wish for you all the self care your heart desires. i wish for you a med plan that actually works.

    i know and understand that despair currently rules the roost. fight threw that; a better world waits for you where despair is not all encompassing. i understand you may not believe that; that’s a sign of despair. my final wish for you today is freedom from despair. it is a trickster and hides the truth.

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  4. Please, no more. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ The fact that you showed some self-control and stopped for a while is a great sign. You have it in you! Stay strong and keep distracting yourself. You made a list a while back of ways to distract yourself when you start getting these kind of thoughts. There were quite a lot of useful things on that list. Now’s the time to whip it out and use it! You can do it!

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  5. I don’t cut so I can’t understand how you feel but I DO suffer from depression and it has been VERY bad lately. I want to punish myself for not being able to “snap out of it” and I have resorted to hitting myself in the head till I feel adequately punished for whatever sins I may have committed. I would really take advantage of the therapy sessions, let someone know you are hurting yourself before it escalates. Guess what? We are BOTH still here. That must be something right?
    https://mydepressionandanxietyblog.wordpress.com/

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  6. Depressionless, are you able to think about accepting grace for yourself? Not being judgmental, just asking because I know you beat yourself up a lot and it may have never crossed your mind. You are worth your own grace. Acknowledging that you are perfectly imperfect…that you will have ups and downs, even if it feels like mostly downs. I struggled with (somewhat) the same feelings when I was in high school – slashed the inside of my hand to shreds because my girlfriend and I had a fight. I remember I felt I had to punish myself because I hurt her. I also know that when I’m in the thick of it…in the trenches, that I’m unable to think this way. The despair takes over. It sucks out all the light and replaces it with despair and hopelessness.

    I will pray that healing peace finds you and blankets you through your valley.

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  7. shiivani says:

    Cutting might feel good for a certain amount of time, for the two minutes while you’re cutting, you may feel good, but in the long run, will you be proud of yourself for making this decision? Let’s say you’re married and have kids in another 20 years. And your kids find out about your scars. What would you do? Would you want to see the look of disappointment that would spread over their face thinking about how maybe mom wasn’t really the person dad makes out to be? No, that would be horrible.

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