You’re Lucky To Have Someone

You should never judge a book by its cover, and you never judge a person based on their appearance. If someone looked at me they would see a happy, healthy individual. Even if someone spoke to me casually they would hear an intelligent person who is content with their life. If the ability to read minds existed, someone who read my mind would a sad story about a lonely guy who wants to give up on everything. Yes readers, I’m still alive, I’m still here, and I’m still wishing I wasn’t.

Tuesday was one of the worst days for me. Things were getting better, or at least my mind was telling me it was. But I didn’t see the warning signals. My readers will know I have a friend who has stuck with me through my mental health saga starting before my blog began, and they have helped me considerably. I never thought they would leave me. I always wondered whether I was hurting them, I always wondered whether I was doing something wrong. They didn’t talk about it to me though, so things must have been bad, and they were slowly withdrawing themselves from me. I should have seen this, I could have put everything right… After accidentally hurting their feelings on Monday (with a joke they took the wrong way) I tried to ring them on Tuesday night. I tried to ring them but I was put straight through to voicemail. I tried ringing them later but the same thing happened. So being paranoid I tried ringing from a different number, and they answered. I said “hello”, and there was silence for a minute, I said “hello” again and they hung up. I was blocked…

I haven’t tried to speak to them since this happened, I am giving them space based on the advice on my college counsellor. I did see my friend (if I can still call them that) on Friday and I smiled at them, but they looked away with a disgusted look on their face. Until my mind is tricking me again I think it is safe to say they hate me. I want to put things right, I want to know that I never meant to hurt them (which has happened a few times, and I’ve apologised for it, and they’ve accepted them) but I guess I have done it one time to many. I wonder if this has happened with all my other friendships, I wonder if I am a bad person. I am left with no one now.

I have been in contact with Childline a lot more recently, sometimes I just go on their website just for someone to talk to. I have also been seeing my college counsellor more frequently after a period of seeing them less, which I am again doing sometimes just for someone to talk to. I will pop in their department just for a 2 minute chat in between lessons, and I will often spend my lunchtime in the area. I have been walking home with some people who I am certain hate me, but it is best chance I have of spending time with people my age outside of the classroom. They used to be my friends but I’m sure they hate me now, and I wonder if I should just stop trying with them, but I don’t want to be lonely. This is how my relationship is with everyone, it is sad but it is the truth.

If you are reading this and you know you have someone to talk to you are lucky. I don’t have that, I wish I did. If I were to make a bucket list the first thing on it would be to find someone who cares about me. I am convinced if I kill myself there will not be a funeral. I haven’t mentioned my family so far in this post, and I’m mentioning them now just to tell you how they are insignificant in my life. My parents were arguing again at dinner (sort of together, we were all in the same room), I’m sure they don’t love each other. If they don’t love each other, how can they love me? Sad, right?

A slightly better thing to note is that I should be getting another CAMHS counsellor soon. They work in behaviour therapy which is different to my current general counsellor, so I am not sure whether I will still be seeing both but I would like to leave the one that I currently hate. The new one will be someone I met at the hospital once, I requested them because I have met them and I got along with them when I spoke to them before. That could be over a month away due to the waiting list, but I will wait for them.

No friends anymore… I don’t have anyone. Yes, I’ve come crawling back to my readers. Forgive me, I was confused. Hopefully I’ll find someone soon who wants to spend time with me, but this time I wont tell them as much about my mental illness, and I’ll try not to talk to them as much. That is what I presume I did wrong with my old friend, but they never told me anything was wrong so I have to guess. Oh well, I will keep trying. I will keep hoping. Depressionless out.

P.S. I’m self-harming less…

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19 thoughts on “You’re Lucky To Have Someone

  1. I feel a little weird “liking” this post, but I did it because I wanted to convey my support. I’m sorry you’re so lonely. When I was a teenager, long before I was diagnosed with bipolar, I had a lot of untreated mood issues, specifically anger. One day, my 3 closest friends, as a whole, told me they weren’t gonna talk to me anymore until I stopped being so “unmanageable”. I understand now why they did what they did: they were teenagers who didn’t understand mental illness. We eventually reconciled, but I was so hurt by their decision to cut me out of their lives that I basically replaced them with cocaine (I REALLY advise against doing that, it did not end well…). Of the 3 of them, one turned out to be a Class A bitch and cut me out of her life a second time about 4 years later (good riddance). The second turned out to be a frivolous girl with frivolous interests, so our friendship didn’t last. The last one is, as of today, one of my best friends. She realized what she did to me when we were 16 was really shitty and she apologized and has been supportive ever since. What I hope you’ll take away from my anecdote is that YOU don’t drive people away. It’s weak people who run away because they can’t be bothered to be a decent human being. This is especially true of teenagers who can be really cruel. I know this might be cold comfort, but, from what I gather from your post, you’re headed to college soon. Things will get better there. You’ll meet people who are less petty (and less boring), and people who might be coming from experiences similar to yours. Light at the end of the tunnel kinda thing. The light is definitely there, even if the tunnel feels a million miles long. As far as self-harming less: keep up the good work. I’ve been there too and I know it’s not an easy thing to quit. By the way, I’ve been writing and editing this comment for like a solid half hour, so, even though we’re technically strangers, I hope it helps you a little to know that I decided that trying you show you my support is more important than the other responsibilities I have on my agenda today. YOU’RE important. And I thought I should let you know that. -LB

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, that sounds tough. I wish everyone could suddenly understand what I am going through but I doubt it will ever happen. I’m not going to expect my friend to come back to me, people normally leave me and don’t come back. I would like them to come back obviously, maybe even be good friends again like you and your best friend, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

      Million mile tunnel? Yeah, and it feels like the exit has been blocked off too… I’m trying with my self-harm, sometimes I stop for a short while but then I always end up cutting again. I’ll keep trying. Thanks for reading and giving such a long reply, I had to reply since you spent half an hour doing it šŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Depressionless, I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. you are a brave soul for bearing yourself to your readers and others who are looking for hope. I believe you give them that! You are not alone either my friend. You have found a good community of caring people who go through the same things you are dealing with. I’m a 41 year old who attempted suicide on 9/14 of last year. I haved lived with mental depression since I was in middle school so I can relate to your words here. It hurts to see the cuts on your skin. We will support you and maybe you’ve met one more friend today. Don’t give up my fellow warrior. I pray that peace will come to you as you travel through your valley.

    -Chris

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m really sorry it has happened to you. I know what it’s like to be alone. When I was at school, I was picked on and sometimes, being made invisible. It did hurt, but I had my poetry and music to keep me company.

    Life is hard, but it does have it’s positives; stay strong and you’ll find friends who’ll care for you, for you are. I believe it’ll happen to you and happiness will come your way. šŸ™‚

    I’ll keep you in my prayers tonight.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am 58 years years old. Oh, I know depression so well. You are absolutely correct that you do not judge a book by a cover. On the surface, I am a successful businessman. I like to joke around and appear fine. But, inside, when you take the mask off, I sometimes hurt. Some days are better than others. But, I know that people depend on me as depend on them. That is true with everybody. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. That sounds so hard. I’m sorry you are suffering like that. You deserve friends, and you deserve the connections you crave. Having been where you are, I can truly say, it will get better. Be gentle with yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. depressionless,

    i can understand how your struggles make your life so difficult. that would suck to feel friendless. i honor for the good you are doing. you are still in school, taking more advantage of your school counseling services, seeking out a more compatible counselor with camhs, and back to writing here. we care about you and have hope for you to have many happy tomorrows. i know your probably in despair, i’ve been in a similar place far to many times, and there, the thought of hope is difficult to grasp. it’s still there, though. try to find a way to find and nurture your hope.

    Like

    • It hurts a lot knowing that I try. I try with friends and I try with counselling, it hurts when they don’t work out but I know that’s how I will get better so I will keep trying. Thanks for always being here for me, you’ve been reading my blog for about 3 months now? šŸ™‚

      Like

      • depressionless,

        I honor you for your persistence and for the fact you have kept trying. also for recognizing that by trying you will get better. since you have kept trying, that means you haven’t given up. the fact that you have struggled mightily and are still trying shows great strength. I honor you for your great strength and hope you can see that strength.

        Sent from my iPad Mini

        >

        Like

  7. I have learnt that the biggest smile hides the deepest paint. It saddens me to know you’re suffering but it breaks my heart to hear that your friends are treating you like this when you need them the most. Heed the advice of your counsellor but know that you have not done anything wrong that warrants this kind of reaction, truly you haven’t. Keep writing and put it out to the universe – it’s a big place and someone will always hear you, I did. šŸ™‚

    Like

  8. Riding the Life Coaster says:

    Never judge a book by its cover. I suffer from BPD and Bipolar II. My depression can be very bad at times. I suffer from thoughts of suicide frequently. When you talk or see me you would never know the pain I’m in or how I suffer. I really feel for you. My heart breaks that you don’t have anyone. I am blessed to have my husband and my therapist. I stopped self harming because I realized that it was only a temporary fix, so instead I sit and suffer in the pain. The more I do this, the more I get used to the feelings that lie to me. I wish the very best for you since I know this is a tough struggle. I’m here if you need to talk.

    Like

  9. deepbluesandseafoamgreens says:

    It’s amazing what sleeves and a smile can conceal. :/ I wish you felt you had someone. If I could mould a person (I’ve dropped Art for GCSE but it can’t be too hard, right? A little squishy squashy of the clay and bam, there you go!) and stick a heart in them and be all, “Hey look” I would, I really would.
    Good luck. *sends hugs and maths your way*

    Like

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