I Have No Reason To Live

The thought which has hit me today… I have no reason to live! I have a reason to die, to end the torture that goes on in my mind, but I don’t have a reason to stay alive. Yesterday was one of the happiest days I had in a while, even though nothing spectacular happened I managed to spend an evening without having a suicidal thought. I did not even realise this until today when I was meant to be meeting my friend at lunch, the first time this month that someone was going to spend some time with me. This is probably why I was happy yesterday evening, but I knew it would not turn out how I would have hoped.

Since my depression started my friends started to leave me, although they did not know about my mental health. I have made a few friends since my depression started too, but they don’t seem to care about me. Apparently a friend is meant to care about me, which makes me think I don’t have any friends, and makes me question whether I have actually ever had a friend. If that is the only criteria for friendship my family might not even be friends with me. You have to talk to friends as well, which definitely cancels my family out of the equation. But this friend who I was going to meet today does talk to me, and I thought they cared about me. I haven’t really spent time with them since the overdose (a few weeks ago) which makes me question whether they don’t care. We used to spent some time together, and they have been talking to me since the overdose but they don’t seem to want to spend time with me.

So what happened today? Well, I met them outside of their lesson at lunch as we had planned. As soon as I saw them they said I was going to the lunch area with them, I don’t get a say in it or else they wont spend lunch with me. So I followed them, they then wanted me to meet all of their friends that I don’t know, and spend lunch with them which means I can’t talk to my friend about any of my problems. They probably don’t want to talk about it but we haven’t even spoke about my depression in a few weeks except for the overdose and when I went hospital. What’s worse is that as soon as I would have met my friends’ friends my friend probably would have left me. That would have meant I would have been left with a bunch of strangers who wouldn’t talk to me. That’s why I told my friend I don’t want to go to the lunch zone, which resulted in me spending lunch alone.

Lunch alone? Yes, and I spent it crying. Probably a good 30 minutes crying. After going toilet and talking to the college counsellor I sat back down so I could cry some more. Whilst crying it struck me that I have no one that cares about me again. I am only living for myself at the moment. Even sadder, I don’t even like myself, I was I could chance myself. I don’t know what I don’t like about myself but there must be something which is repelling all the people away from me, it can’t just be other peoples problem. So what do I have to live for? I’m beginning to fail at college, which puts my dream job into doubts. Like I said, I have no one to live for. I have stopped with all of my hobbies since my depression began and I don’t see the point in restarting them. I spend every day fighting against my own mind. So… nothing to live for.

This evening I was looking at suicide prevention online, and seeing what to do. Firstly, delay my actions. Well, I have been delaying them since I got out of hospital so I think that surpasses the 48 hours they recommended. Next, make the environment safe. The only way I can do that is by shutting down my mind, I am not safe while I can think, wait… that means kill myself. What else? Call someone. I tried calling my friend, they didn’t answer. I have no one else to call. Stop drinking or using drugs. I don’t, but it sounds appealing. I don’t drink but after getting out of hospital a week ago I tried some alcohol, and I tried some more, and some more. This was only in one night and I didn’t get drunk but I didn’t feel like I hated myself. That is the only thing I can think of at the moment to get rid of my suicidal thoughts. That’s one option, what else? Get professional help. Well, I will see my counsellor tomorrow which is professional help but they are probably going to make me want to kill myself even more. Finally, know that people get through this. Okay, but I don’t see how I can.

I’ve checked what I can do and it doesn’t look promising. I cut myself earlier too, and I think I will continue with that until I don’t absolutely hate myself, then I might get a drink to get rid of my suicidal thoughts. I do hope I can go through with the suicide next time I try it, I don’t actually have anything to live for this time so that should make it easier. See you next post… if I make it until then…

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “I Have No Reason To Live

  1. Little Miss Unsure says:

    I know what it is like to feel lonely and to want someone to talk to and to cry until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I know what it is like to not want to be left alone with your thoughts and to not like yourself. I have self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth issues, but those are just the beginning. I am currently trying to learn how to love myself and be happy with who I am whether that is a person surrounded by people or someone who would prefer to be alone. You have to keep looking and keep searching… I believe happiness is out there. I believe in you. I believe that you don’t have to end your life. I would love to talk to you more about anything and everything- labowman417@gmail.com Feeling like this doesn’t have to be the end.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey sending love your way! I know things seem very hopeless, but the beauty of life is YOU create your own reasons to live. Life is what you make it, and some people need a bit more love, encouragement and even treatment in order to realize their self worth and devise some purpose in their lives.

    I wish you all the best and please don’t hesitate to message me anytime. I would love to talk with you!

    Love n light,

    -Paul

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My depression started when I was a child. It really took it’s toll in high school. This is when I started cutting. Looking back on my life (I’m 31 now), I noticed that I talked about my depression a lot. Or the fact that I cut myself or wanted to die. I can see now, that when I did that with friends, it would overwhelm them, because I did it so much. I think talking about it once in awhile is fine, but all the time can push people away. It’s not that they don’t care, but they don’t understand. Because they don’t understand, the thoughts of you hurting yourself or ending your life, scares them. They don’t know how to handle it, so distance themselves. I feel like it is very important to find one safe person, who you can talk to, who has your best interest at heart. Someone who can listen without judgement. Someone who won’t tell you what to do with your life, but who will listen to your thought process, and then let you figure it out on your own. This person may ask you questions to keep you thinking. This person might also be an older adult, and not necessarily your age. Someone who has lived a little bit and has a better understanding of the trials out there. I was 27 or 28 before I found my person. But I also didn’t know that is what I needed. Sometimes the counselor may probe into deep stuff and that makes the depression and suicidal thoughts stronger at first, until you work through them.

    I am really hoping and praying that you stay safe. If you are at the point of suicide, I would highly recommend going to the hospital. I know it’s not something that we want to do, but if it’s the only way you can be safe, then it might be what you need right now.

    You can contact me also if you would like. devinpace83@gmail.com. Feel free to talk about whats going on with you or ask me questions about my experience. I am an open book.

    Please hang in there.
    Devin

    Liked by 2 people

  4. deepbluesandseafoamgreens says:

    Aw :/ But..but…YOU’RE AMAZING. Like, think of all the glorious, beautiful equations just waiting for you to solve! All the graphs waiting to be plotted; think of that satisfying full stop at the end of a proof you know you’ve got completely correct. Think of pi! Pi loves you! Pi loves everyone! Pi loves Beyoncé! Pi loves eating spinach! LOVE THY PI!
    I’m sorry. I know this is a serious thing, but you’ve been crying, and I was hoping this would cheer you up.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. So as I was looking at other blogs, I found this and wanted to share. I know right now it’s hard to see, but remember suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary situation. I know I hated when people said that but wanted you to know what I was getting at by sharing this blog. Please read it and think about what it’s saying. Devin

    https://shushdonttalk.wordpress.com/2015/02/24/suicide-last-forever-what-youre-feeling-now-doesnt/

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Please hold on, mate. Please please hold on. I don’t know what to say that will help. All I know is that we’ve never met and you’re hundreds of miles away but I’m sitting here, reading this blog post trying to think of how to answer and tears are coming out of my eyes because I don’t want you to feel alone. I don’t want you to feel like nobody cares about you. All of us who read your posts care. When you say things like: “See you tomorrow… If I make it…” it really does make a difference to us and we really do care! I know what it’s like to feel lonely but believe me there are ways to get through it. If you ever need to talk please drop me an email at zainab2.halepota@live.uwe.ac.uk

    I’m in the UK if it helps. ❤️ Also, something else to add to your suicide prevention list: have you tried calling a helpline like the Samaritans when you’re feeling like this? They call you back if you don’t have credit and their job is just to listen. ❤️ 08457 90 90 90 … Anything you need to get off your chest, you can vent and they’re available 24/7 so they’ll pick up anytime.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Your life sounds a lot like mine in college. I was severely depressed and had few friends. I often thought about ending it all. God does have a plan for you but it just might not make sense now. Someday, life will get better. I know that from experience. just hang in there. Someday, you will be glad that you did.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. I can understand a lot of your feelings. Please know that people do care. I care. You can message me if you want to talk about anything. Please don’t give up.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I also send love and support. I am a college student too and I know what it’s like to wrestle with your own thoughts, and your classes. I’m sorry that the people in your life right now are being less than encouraging… I know it looks bad. Have you tried jogging? It really helps me calm down and feel happy. Please consider it, I think it’s better than drugs. You don’t have to be physically fit or anything. I am the weakest person ever… was always the last picked in sports and slow, but it doesn’t even matter, you just push yourself a little bit and it’s amazing what you can do! I agree that God does have a plan for you! He doesn’t make mistakes, you are awesome! Please give yourself a chance 🙂

    Like

  10. Hey, I know things are hard. But they will get better, I promise you. You may have lots more reasons to live than you think. Even if they’re small things. They might be tiny, not-very-important reasons, like you want to see a film that is yet to be released. I know it’s not a major reason, but it’s something. Try making a list of reasons why you should live, and don’t focus on why you shouldn’t. And with the whole counsellor thing, you can always ask for a different one. Clicking with your therapist is so important. If this one isn’t working, ask if you can have a different one. Stay strong x

    Like

  11. I don’t know you, I don’t claim to understand you and how it must feel for you right now, because noone is exactly LIVING YOUR LIFE! So, how should I really understand you and what you’re going through? I think this is really hard and complicated… I just can give you my piece of advice, what I found, when I was in a deep depression recently. I truely believe this is a great message you definitely need to know!


    At first you should check the core statements
    11:00-13:18
    14:56-15:52
    23:29-24:41
    26:04-26:43 !
    26:59-27:49 !
    31:22-31:34 !
    32:47-32:52 !
    After you have seen all important pieces, watch the full video!
    So, I hope with this you get better. Let me know if you want to know more about this there are a couple of other interesting videos I discovered too.
    The day before yesterday I saw The Bucket List with Morgan Freeman, it was a quite good movie too.

    Like

    • I don’t know you, I don’t claim to understand you and how it must feel for you right now, because noone is exactly LIVING YOUR LIFE! So, how should I really understand you and what you’re going through? I think this is really hard and complicated… I just can give you my piece of advice, what I found, when I was in a deep depression recently. I truely believe this is a great message you definitely need to know!

      At first you should check the core statements
      11:00-13:18
      14:56-15:52
      23:29-24:41
      26:04-26:43 !
      26:59-27:49 !
      31:22-31:34 !
      32:47-32:52 !
      After you have seen all important pieces, watch the full video!
      So, I hope with this you get better. Let me know if you want to know more about this there are a couple of other interesting videos I discovered too.
      The day before yesterday I saw The Bucket List with Morgan Freeman, it was a quite good movie too.

      Like

  12. depressionless,

    here to express my concern. we haven’t heard from you in 10 days, that with your declaration that you have no reason to live scares me. my hope is you’ve checked yourself in for some more help. Many people care about you.

    A caring, concerned friend,

    bipolar sojourner

    p.s. has anyone heard from depressionless recently?

    Liked by 1 person

    • No, but I’m concerned too. I tried sending a personal message but didn’t get a response. I’m wondering what a person does upon reading this in the blogger world, if we don’t know any specific information. I don’t. One time a few years ago, I called the non emergency police in Denver Colorado from Portland Oregon, to have the police check on someone I vaguely knew, when they were suicidal, but I knew their first and last name and their phone number. Here I feel kind of helpless, because I don’t know who to contact or information if I did contact.
      Devin

      Liked by 1 person

  13. alfgarnet says:

    Always remember that you are special and that out of millions of people on this planet there is only one you,, stay strong and be safe ,,,m

    Like

  14. I think maybe your friend is having a hard time dealing with what to say to you about your overdose. It is kinda scary to talk about it and it might make your friend uncomfortable. Keep the good fight!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s