Return of the King

Three days away from my blog to refocus my mind and get my mental health back on track. It has been a strange last couple of days which I can perfectly sum up in some weird and wacky haikus. In short I have seen my last CAMHS counselling session, the results of my blood test, and some interesting news regarding medication. Plus a few extra notes.

Thunder and lightning
Enters the king of writing
Returns to his throne.

The blood test… Well, I went for my blood test on Tuesday but got my results back on Thursday. Apparently it is meant to take a week so I guess my GP sped up my results for me. I was hoping that something would come back with my results, for them to find something wrong with me. I am looking for the reason of my depression, the thing that started everything off, but I can’t seem to find it. A lot of things have happened since my depression started, but I don’t know what started it. I guess anyone else would be happy with the results I got, but when I found out there was nothing too high or too low in my blood, that just made it worse for me.

Tiny disk floating
Holding the key to the cure
Misery without

Counselling? Have I told you that I hate CAMHS? Yeah, probably. So to tell them I don’t want to see them again is great, and that they didn’t want to see me again is even better. The plan was there to have a final meeting in March with CAMHS, my parents, the college counsellor and me, which I am fine with. The meeting would be the last time I see them. But then CAMHS rang my college to tell me they want to see me again, but only for medication. Providing I don’t have to talk to them anymore, I’m happy to see them for medication. Medication should help me… hopefully!

Saint versus dragon
Sword drawn, slashing blood filled hearts
Dragon tears drop, drop…

Recording my mood. I should have really done this earlier. I could guess when I feel the worst, and I can guess how long my depressive state lasts but they are only guesses. This is why I set up a short questionnaire I can fill in every hour or two on my phone asking me how my mood is, and I after a few days I can sit on my laptop and analyse the data. So far I have been doing it for about 24 hours, and this day was one of constant mood swings overshadowed by my depression. I’m now questioning myself whether most days are like this, but I just notice the depression as that stands out the most. I don’t know, which is exactly why I am tracking my mood. I will post more information on this at a later date, when I have more data to analyse.

Up, down and sideways
The blindfolded passenger
On mood swing express…

On a totally unrelated note, I am creating a computer game. I may have mentioned before that I really like computers, and that I love to program. I noticed a UK competition for under 18’s, where you have to create your own computer game. I have until the start of June to complete my project, but I want to focus on it now before the serious exam revision starts. You won’t get updates on this unless it makes me suicidal (how would that happen?) or the game becomes depressing (I hope not…), but its nice for my readers to learn something about me.

Have you ever tried
to write a haiku but then
your mind just goes blank?

I know there is a lot more I want to say, I just cannot think of it right now. Maybe it will be posted tomorrow, or maybe I have a poem stored up to unleash havoc on the simple minds of some of my readers (simple? I meant beautiful). I might disappear for another three days… Who knows?

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3 thoughts on “Return of the King

  1. I am old, a grandfather, and I would like to send you this cyberhug because if I walked up to everybody aged about 17 in Ballarat – where I live – and gave them a hug just assuming it was you then I would first of all be beaten up by the hoons who hang about Bridge Mall and then I would be arrested for 723 different crimes and then probably have to go through counseling with some counsellor who would give up on me because he/she would realise that I am cleverer than he/she is. So now I don’t actually know how to send a cyberhug – you might just have to imagine it.

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  2. I so get what you mean when you believe that a reason will be found – fortunately, not depression-related but it does cause me distress; I’ve been diagnosed with Ocular Migraines which cannot be controlled or remedied. I was hoping that the white-outs and subsequent “spider-web-effect” which tends to last 5-10 minutes was due to something my eye doctor could determine the cause WAS something treatable.
    Is there any way you would be willing to share the questionnaire you mention, for your mood tracking? I have used a few in the past but I tend to fall off after 2 days because it is not something I have on my phone (usually an excel document that I would need WiFi for and I am not allowed access to it at work, where it would be most helpful)
    Thank you for being so brave and sharing this. I wish you much luck with a new counselor and your meds!

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