Thinking To Myself About Suicide

For my readers, you don’t need to read this. I’m just writing to get my thoughts down and decide what to do, in case you haven’t read my last post Please Kill Me – Things That Make Me Depressed you should read that and the comments as they explain what is going on.

So my GP gave me some anti-anxiety tablets to calm me down and keep me in classes (because I’ve missed a lot recently). They gave me 14 tablets, and I am meant to take one a day starting tomorrow. Since they gave me the tablets all I can think about is overdosing on them. I don’t know whether 14 is enough to kill me but they slow my heart down so 14 at once (considering I’m meant to take one a day) could work. Right now I don’t want to overdose, which is why I am writing this, but I cannot get the thought out of my mind and I know if my depression gets any worse I will probably do it.

I will ring Samaritans later. Hopefully they can give me some advice on what to do. I’m not sure what to expect from them but they can’t make anything worse than it already is so it is worth a try. I’m also thinking of giving the tablets to my friend so that I can’t overdose, I might ring them after I ring Samaritans (so like 2am, they will probably be asleep, I’ll try tomorrow). Either they can keep them so I don’t take any, or they can meet me at college every day to give me one. I don’t know.

I’ll see my GP next week (closed on weekends) and see if they can give me better advice. I’ll talk to the counsellor at college as well because I know they have been talking to each other. I don’t know what they will do with the tablets, but I think I need to take some sort of medication to make my life easier because at the moment (while nothing is working for me) it is very hard and I am struggling.

What now? I don’t know.

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25 thoughts on “Thinking To Myself About Suicide

  1. Lonely Little Acorn says:

    Just so you know, the tablets wont kill you. Trust me ive dont my research on suicide and overdosing and how much you need to take of what for it to work. All it would do is make you violently sick and possibly cause brain damge depending on how strong the medication is. But you should definately give them to a friend to look after because even when you know they wont kill you, its still tempting to try. I used to keep a box full of parcetamol under my bed even though I knew it wouldnt work.

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    • Paracetamol? I think it is easier to overdose on water…
      I’ve been looking it up all day and I think with the tablets I have I don’t have enough to kill me (unless I have a bad reaction to them and my heart fails – which is very, very unlikely). I’m likely to faint though if I take them all at once, but I don’t want to faint now and if I want to kill myself I wont want to faint.

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      • Actually, just for the record, paracetamol overdose is one of the easiest ways to actually kill yourself with pills–but it takes days, and because it destroys your kidneys/liver, you’re in agony the whole time. But I remember hearing a pharmacist and a trainee pharmacist having a discussion about it once, and they both agreed that if we’d discovered paracetamol these days, it would never have passed the safety regulations to go on the open market.

        Anti-anxiety meds are MUCH less likely to kill you, generally speaking.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve heard it takes as few as 20 pills with the 500mg ones to kill people (which isn’t loads), but then I’ve heard lots of stories of people taking 50-100 pills without dying (on I presume lower mg). I’ve also heard that the toxicity varies a lot more with paracetamol so some people can take a few and die while others can take a lot more.

        I’m no doctor so I don’t know, but there are a lot of stories on people surviving high overdoses on paracetamol.

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  2. Don’t waste your meds, my friend. I can’t imagine the GP who would give a suicidal teen (remember, not meant to take depression/anxiety meds anyway) enough meds to kill themselves. And–14 of anything isn’t going to kill you, unless it’s something like morphine or you’ve already destroyed your liver/kidneys. Don’t even try it, please.

    Think how shitty it’ll be if you take them, and then, you feel a bit better, sleep it off for 12 hours but essentially are fine, and then, you wake up and you have no more meds (after realizing how much they helped). Don’t do that to yourself, hon.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I have searched it up (I don’t know how reliable it is though) and its confusing. The only ones where I could find the amount to kill me said it would take 70 of my tablets in one case, and 100 in another case to kill me. There are a lot of places saying a smaller overdose (as in the amount of tablets I have) could cause my heart rate to drop and have a heart failure (I don’t think this is reliable), but I’m most likely to just faint and wake up later or end up in hospital which I wouldn’t want to happen. So yeah, unless my heart decides to give up on me I don’t think it will kill me. I’ve thought about saving them and trying to get more but I don’t think so…

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  3. I don’t think you have been inpatient since I have known you on here (since Dec. 14) I am so surprised, because you have been seriously suicidal for pretty much all of that time. Have you been honest w/ your providers as to how suicidal you have been, and/or have you considered hospitalization? Even outpatient hospital is helpful in my experience. So frustrated for you -They could make a much better med change if you were in the hospital – you have to be so miserable 😦 Wish I could help!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve considered going to hospital before but I didn’t like the idea of it. I know it would help me but I don’t think I could do it. My GP, CAMHS counsellor and college counsellor all know I have suicidal thoughts but I haven’t told them in much detail which is probably why I haven’t been hospitalised.

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      • I know it sounds nuts but I actually enjoyed being outpatient – meeting people who were like me, learning more about what I could do when I was home that would help me feel better, etc. Plus they adjust your meds when you are there. I have never had a negative experience.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I agree. Depressionless, your life is worth it. Your bravery and honestly sharing your struggle online is amazing. To save your life please be honest with those around you in “real” life. Please get help or otherwise you will break our hearts. You are precious and deserve help so that you can live.

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  4. I strongly suggest u read my comment on your last post. Diet and spiritual councelling could be exactly what you need. You have to realize this will always be a struggle, and will likely always be an issue in your life, as it is mine. You need to work on changing your perspective and being more positive. Positivity attracts positivity. Good luck

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    • Listen. Don’t even think about suicide. Don’t even search about it. In a few years, or even months, you will look back and you will be glad you did not try anything.
      Like kbailey374 wrote, it is important to be honest with those trying to help you in “real life”.
      Also, try exercising regularly, it helps a lot. 20-30 minutes of cardio will release hormones in your body that will make you happier.

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  5. In reality, no one can truly change anything for you, except for you. You have to decide to feel better as much as you can, and do things that bring you joy. There will always be dark times, its part of life. The dark parts make us beautiful and help us to grow and learn. Hardships are actually blessings from a spiritual point of view, and when you can start to look at things as blessings and opportunities for growth and change, imagine what you can do with your life. Examine any fears you have and try to release them. I saw something the other day that said: a professor brings a glass half full of water into the class. Naturally people assume he will ask wether its half full or half empty. But the question was how heavy is the glass he is carrying. If he holds it only moments, its fine. If he holds it a while, his body aches. If he holds it so long, it becomes impossible to bear.

    Only you can decide to do what it takes for yourself to try to feel better. If you google meditations, or chakra clearing meditations, i strongly feel it would help you to work on releasing your pain.

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  6. sorry you’re going through it… i wont pretend to be qualified to give advice, cuz i’m not. but i hope you find a way to get through. i hope those posts you liked in MY blog gave you at least a sense that you arent alone.

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  7. Part of your depression can probably be traced to a deficiency in Omega-3 and other Fatty Acids plus VitaminD

    Do you eat lots of oily fish, like salmon ?

    If not would you be willing to try an experiment ?

    Check out:
    http://www.hqt-diagnostics.com
    http://www.houseofbentley.com
    http://www.expertomega3.com
    http://www.vitamindwiki.com

    If you will promise to take them I would like to offer you a free bottle of HQT Omega-3 Fish Oil and some high-strength Vitamin D

    Send an email to http://www.houseofbentley.com and it will reach me, quoting this website, and I will provide you a 1-month supply of both – free of charge

    But you have to give me a commitment that you will take them

    .

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  8. Good diet / exercise / routines all great.
    BUT
    Right now you are in a really hard place – I’m familiar with it.
    Take yourself seriously – get yourself help – people cannot read your mind (I know I hoped for years they would and help me).
    Please tell your support people – even emergency services the detail you are thinking and researching. They need to know as soon as you can tell them.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Also, may I just give you some advice:

    When people imply that you can just snap out of this, when they say things like “positivity brings positivity” or similar dime-store psychology, that’s the mark of someone who’s a) got absolutely no training or qualifications in the biochemical side of psychology, and b) has never suffered from clinical/long-term/major depression. As with anything useless, I recommend you just ignore those kinds of self-important comments. They are said in order to help the person making them feel like they’ve done something, but they will be no good to you, and could even hurt you, if you focus on them too much.

    This is not your fault. You are not the cause of your own misery. And you may very well need help to feel better… and there is ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in that.

    Telling people that they can just choose to feel better, when you have no idea what they’re going through… now THAT is something to be ashamed of.

    Liked by 1 person

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