For my readers, you don’t need to read this. I’m just writing to get my thoughts down and decide what to do, in case you haven’t read my last post Please Kill Me – Things That Make Me Depressed you should read that and the comments as they explain what is going on.
So my GP gave me some anti-anxiety tablets to calm me down and keep me in classes (because I’ve missed a lot recently). They gave me 14 tablets, and I am meant to take one a day starting tomorrow. Since they gave me the tablets all I can think about is overdosing on them. I don’t know whether 14 is enough to kill me but they slow my heart down so 14 at once (considering I’m meant to take one a day) could work. Right now I don’t want to overdose, which is why I am writing this, but I cannot get the thought out of my mind and I know if my depression gets any worse I will probably do it.
I will ring Samaritans later. Hopefully they can give me some advice on what to do. I’m not sure what to expect from them but they can’t make anything worse than it already is so it is worth a try. I’m also thinking of giving the tablets to my friend so that I can’t overdose, I might ring them after I ring Samaritans (so like 2am, they will probably be asleep, I’ll try tomorrow). Either they can keep them so I don’t take any, or they can meet me at college every day to give me one. I don’t know.
I’ll see my GP next week (closed on weekends) and see if they can give me better advice. I’ll talk to the counsellor at college as well because I know they have been talking to each other. I don’t know what they will do with the tablets, but I think I need to take some sort of medication to make my life easier because at the moment (while nothing is working for me) it is very hard and I am struggling.
What now? I don’t know.