Please Kill Me – Things That Make Me Depressed

I’ve never been hugged before, no one loves me, I may as well die. I have made a list of things that make me depressed and for those wondering I am 17 years old so I expect that at least some of these should have happened.

  • I’ve never been hugged before
  • I’ve never been kissed before
  • Nobody has ever said they love me (except once from my mum when she heard I wanted to kill myself, but she didn’t mean it and she stopped caring after a few hours)
  • I have no one that actually cares about me
  • Nobody wants to spend time with me
  • I spend hours in my room every day crying (because of the previous point)
  • Even when I’m suicidal no one cares
  • My counsellor said they can’t help me
  • My GP can’t give me medication
  • I am going to fail my exams because of my depression, which means no happy future
  • I’ve done nothing with my life, and I never will
  • People make jokes about me missing college (which is because of my depression)
  • Whenever I try to get close to people, they get further away
  • I hurt all of my friends (ex-friends as they now are)

I could write more but I need to get back to cutting myself. This is why I haven’t been doing posts recently, because my depression is so bad and everyone is saying they can’t help me. If no one can help me, and I make myself feel worse, how can I get better? What is the point?

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29 thoughts on “Please Kill Me – Things That Make Me Depressed

  1. A few points:

    1. A lot of that sucks balls. I’m really sorry.

    2. Why can’t your GP give you meds? I’d have topped myself long ago without them 🙂

    3. You don’t actually need an education to do something with your life… I’m 31, I’m still (slowly) chipping away at uni, AND I’m in a foreign country, AND I have very few “real life” friends over here, and even so, I’m contributing things. Maybe not as much as some people, but more than some others. Everyone can do something good with their life. Everyone.

    4. Everyone hurts everyone else. It’s sad, but it is part of being alive. And there is a lot that’s great about being alive… and if you can’t feel that way right now, I get it, and; see Point 2 above.

    Can I tell you to “hang in there” again?

    Liked by 2 people

    • My GP told me they can’t give me medication in case it makes me more suicidal (I think its partly because of my age) and I have to go CAMHS (my counsellor) to get medication, but they don’t seem to want to help.

      However many friends you have, that’s how many more you have than me. There seems to be a force field around me that pushes people away, and that’s never going to go and I don’t know why. People will comment and say I don’t need to have lots of friends right now, but they don’t understand how hard it is basically being locked in my own world. I don’t go college on weekends so I basically sit in my room talking to no one while I make myself more depressed.

      Like

      • You have friends right here, hon. That’s what we’re doing when we comment; we’re being your friends. “Real life” friends are not, necessarily, any better than people who live in your PC (so to speak). We all give a shit about you, and that’s all a friend is: someone who gives a shit.

        Tell your GP that s/he needs to wo/man up, and remind them that NHS guidelines allow for teenage use of antidepressants in cases where therapy alone isn’t helping. PLUS they can start you on a low dose and monitor you closely. Tell them to do their fucking job. And, if you DO try to end it all after starting meds, they can get you a place in a psych hospital for round-the-clock supervision… but again, only if they actually take the step of getting you on some meds.

        You’re 17, not 12. They can at least try you on something at a low dose.

        Liked by 4 people

      • I’m so sorry you feel this way, if it counts I don’t think you’re worthless and if I could I’d give you hug!

        I also used to go CAMHS but I found that they don’t really help! They refuse to give meds or even look into the possibility of a diagnosis! I ended up leaving because I was literally just going there to state the obvious. But I hope things work for the better with you and please try and stay strong, you’ve come to far to give up now!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. A.C. says:

    Listen to me. Don’t kill yourself. Don’t let yourself be forgotten for nothing. If the universe had no point in “coming” into existence then same goes for yourself. But that does not mean, you cannot make a purpose for yourself. You are your own master.

    If nobody loves or cares about you, then at least care or love yourself. Honestly, if you ask me, in this world, you are your own best friend and your own worst enemy. Please be the former. I know I’m throwing positive things at you when you’re just in the dark and confused about all that is and would be.

    Life is precious. Yours too.

    Like

  3. Don’t kill yourself. Things will get better. Have you tried looking up natural remedies for depression, like Vitamin D? It may help some (it does for me), or get some sunshine. Try to join a club, you can meet people with similar interests that way.
    Also, is it possible to see a different counselor?

    Like

    • I spend about an hour and a half every day walk to and from college, so I get exercise and sunlight (although I live in the UK, so the sun is behind the clouds most of the time). I don’t know what natural remedies there are, I’ll look into it.

      One of my comments below says how I’m getting along, not feeling better than yesterday…

      Like

      • Natural remedies that have helped me include Vitamin D, Vitamin B, Vitamin C, eating a handful of cashews, drinking some tea (especially green tea). You may not see a big difference right away, but if you keep it up, you will see a difference. I’m glad you are able to get exercise and sunlight regularly.
        Does your college have a free counseling center? I’m in the US, and most colleges here (including mine) have it, and it’s helped me a lot. It may be a way for you to see a different counselor.
        Giving your medicine to a friend to hold onto is a great idea. Have you talked to this friend about what’s going on? Try to, if you haven’t. People can surprise you.

        Like

  4. Siouxsie says:

    I think you are in a crap situation, and a shitty mother. Your GP is not stepping up to the plate. If he/she cannot or is reluctant to give you meds – ASK FOR A REFERRAL to someone who CAN. Be sure you getnthe point across that you are capable of hurting yourself or others. (The “or others” part makes a doc think twice about sending you away, lest they be blamed for anything that happens later.)

    You are NOT worthless. And its obvious by the state of your comments section that you are NOT friendless.

    I know ive said it before, but i’ll say it again. Go to reddit.com to the sub r/suicidewatch. There is ALWAYS someone online, and they are always there to talk and lend an ear.

    Virtual ((hugs)) are so not the same, but have one from me, anyway. ((Hugs))

    Keep on.
    Depression will lie to you. Dont listen.
    Love-
    Momma sioux

    Liked by 3 people

  5. You have to love yourself first before your soul can be open to others. Try researching some meditations or see a psychic or healer. They will know why you feel this way and help you to clear those blocks. Believe in yourself and keep believing good things will happen and then that energy can flow. Focus on working hard at what you can, even if its an easy job somewhere. Feel proud of yourself and feel happy within and then it will reflect in your life. My uncle passed away from suicide, and depression runs strong in my family. I am learning a lot and healing through these types of things i have mentioned. Also there was an article going around about how when your body is inflamed from eating sugars and bad stuff, then it changes our cells reactions and causes depression. Maybe try small healthy food changes. Sending you healing vibes and i hope you feel better soon. No rush for someone else to be in your life. Usually just causes more pain. Get yourself strong first, and it will work out when the time is right. Think and post positive and you will attract positivity. Best of luck to you!

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  6. Hold in there buddy. We all understand what you are going through and it is incredibly lonely for you right now. Come on here often and just type to get the thoughts out of your head. If people thought you where a waste of time we would not like or comment or follow your blog. Things can only get better if you hang in there. Oh and for the record I don’t know if a virtual hug counts but sending you a huge hug right now.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. What would be helpful for you for us to do? My frbest friend told me that when he is in trauma , he would rather i ask him what would be helpful than to guess and say things that might trigger him into a worse spiral. Sometimes you might not know but if you can think of what would be most helpful to you and / or what is hurtful to you from the blogger friends here, please say . That way we can connect with you in a more helpful way.
    Love,
    Annie

    Liked by 1 person

    • I need help/advice, nothing I try has worked so far. And I just need to talk to people so I can work it out myself (Ill talk to Samaritans helpline later). Saying “you need to focus on yourself” or “try to do something positive” doesn’t help, I can’t really do them while I’m suicidal.

      Like

    • I don’t know. My college spoke to my GP last night to see if either of them could do anything. I went to my GP this morning and they gave me some anti-anxiety tablets* to hopefully calm me down and keep me in my classes (because I’ve been missing lots recently). I am meant to take one a day starting tomorrow. My GP gave me 14 tablets to start with to see if they work. I know 14 isn’t a lot but since I got them all I can think about is overdosing on them (they slow my heart down so lots of them cause heart failure/attack). I’m not sure what to do because I don’t trust myself with them. I’m going to ring Samaritans later, and maybe give the tablets to my friend who will take care of them for me (I don’t know what to do). If my depression gets any worse I’ll probably overdose on them, so I need to think what to do now while I can still think about it. I will go back to my GP on Monday to talk to them. Any ideas?

      *today they told me because of my age they can’t give me anti-depressants, which is why they referred me to CAMHS (but they don’t want to give me any yet – and I don’t see them until the start of February now).

      Like

      • They can, actually. It takes some jumping through hoops, but if it comes right down to it, they CAN give you antidepressants. One of my best friends is a GP; do you want me to ask him to have a look at official guidelines and stuff we don’t have access to?

        14 anti-anxiety meds will make you hella sleepy, and you might (probably will) puke everywhere… but it will largely just be a waste of medication. Why not just take a pill now, and then another at midday tomorrow, and then start them in the morning on Sunday?

        Like

  8. savemefrombpd says:

    Hi.

    I don’t know you and just came across your post.

    But I feel for you and all that you are going through. I don’t want to do the whole ‘I feel the same way’ but we do have similarities. Depression and self-harm and some other things you mentioned.
    I wanted to say that, these issues with the depression and self- harming are best ‘caught’ as soon as you can.

    I’ve been through it and never reached out for any help because my parents weren’t available to help me because their own issues and I didn’t know where to go.

    And hence, from the age of 13, to the age of 25 when I had the breakdown was the first time to show those scars and talk openly about what I’ve been going through. And get help with all of it.

    I know it can be difficult to get the outside help but please try. It would be such a waste of your adult years to do like I have done, now 29 and having lost half of my 20’s away.

    I wish you well.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. electricbohemian says:

    Life is hard thats true. Some peoples parents,really don’t know how to express feelings well if at all, however remember there are billions of people in the world not just them…

    There are many challenges to be faced but the world is big – you are unique and have something to offer if you can’t go to college now so what.. I guess you live in America as they are nightmare for this they say that oh college is the only way forward and without it your screwed. I never completed college and I’m still alive. I still have rubbish jobs but I come and go as I please, I travel here and there.

    Ok I have challenge for you – I’m interested to know more about you as a person. Please could you write a blog post about the things you enjoy, what interests you – describe to me the place you live outside, go for a walk and find the things that make you feel good. Find things that make you feel good.

    Your blog about getting a hug, that’s great and really brave.. so take little steps – try not to overthink anything.. make this blog your way out of depression, maybe the therapist can’t help you because they don’t know you that well, but you know who knows you that’s you..

    You are 17 now.. this is the age were freedom comes, you are free to chose where you go, My advise would be start reading watch films listen to music that motivates you. Art has saved me many times.

    (if you haven’t done so already watch into the wild and read On the Road – Great Americans on big adventures)

    Don’t be fooled life can be really crap sometimes and people can be really crap, even ourselves we can be rubbish too but its worth living just to see what happens next.

    Empower yourself to change, the way you see life the way you act in life – if you can travel – even if you go to South America even if you have to walk there.. do something that gets you out of the situation that challenges.

    And please don’t worry about having relationships right now – enjoy your life as it is and eventually someone will come along and just fit right in.. I wish I hadn’t rushed into something when I was your age, it really wasn’t very good for me..

    What you see from others may not always be the best for you.

    Sorry for the long comment.. I don’t know what got into me! I just felt I had to write this stuff! Sorry if its a bit intrusive I tend to think and type at once – not really think about my actions!

    Like

  10. Hey :)! So I know that tons of people have commented already and I don’t know you personally so I can’t really say “Oh, your life isn’t that bad” because it most likely is. However, you have a lot of good things going for you. You are obviously talented at writing and I promise you that things do get better. I know what having mental illness at a young age is like–I’m 18 and I’ve been struggling with stuff like depression (well, and mania and hearing voices and delusions) for 11 years. But I do know that it does get better. Once you have a long stretch with little or no symptoms, you will realize this. But you’ve got to stick around that long. Because who knows–one day you may be a super famous blogger and you’ll be able to tell people “Hey, when I was seventeen, my life was just awful, but now I’m 30 and my life is the best!” Don’t rob yourself of the chance to get better because no matter how bad it seems now it will. Remember that.

    I know it’s hard to be happy right now and I also know that it sucks so much. But try to write a post on positive things, as one of the previous commenters suggested. The more you think about the darkness the more it’s going to eat away at you. I’m not saying snap out of it–mental illness doesn’t work like that. But you were strong enough to make it this far, and you are strong enough to make it even farther.

    Just focus on the positives. Focus on your blog. I truly, completely believe that you can get through this and life is always more beautiful when you’ve experienced pain. I know that from personal experience. Now is just the blink of an eye and things will improve before you know it!

    Love, Marz

    Like

  11. AJ says:

    I m 21 and I have been there where you are…Trust me you shall pass this and with grace..You shall triumph..People will see the good in you I m sure..You know normal people’s eyes are not trained to handle so much brightness so they tend to shy away..That does not make you shine any less!☺☺☺
    Best wishes for your life.Wish you all the joy and happiness and health and love and success in life.
    Regards

    Like

  12. Hi depressionless. Not a lot I can say felt a lot like that at times. In the end I could only help myself. The Answer for me was writing creating words every day. it saved me I am over sixty so it worked! Thank you for liking my poem ‘Future Cops! Take Care. The Foureyed Poet.

    Like

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