Four Things I Wish I Could Say About My Depression

When it comes to depression, there are certain things that I struggle to talk about. To my friends, my family, my teachers and my counsellor I hide something, I hide different feelings from all of them. I wish they could figure it out, it would make my life so much easier. I wish I could tell them but my depression stops me, I’ve made progress so far and one day I’m sure I will say these things but for now I can’t. I hope one of them stumbles onto my blog and reads what is here, not knowing I wrote it, and decided to change what they do to help me.

Click here to read about when I was suicidal, and had no one to talk to.

“I can’t do this on my own, I need you with me”
To my friend, the only one who I can talk to about my depression. I don’t think they understand my depression, but they still try to be there for me whenever they can. It’s not enough though, I was cutting myself last week (and my whole arm is covered in cuts now) and I asked them to help me but they were busy. I can understand they have plans with other friends but I feel I need support. Maybe I can’t expect so much from one person, I can’t blame them for anything that has happened to me, and they mean so much to me.

Blank talk...

Blank talk…

“Forget the work, I need to focus on myself”
To my teachers. I am at college and the workload is a lot more than school. Depression means I struggle to concentrate a lot of the time (I already get extra time for exams) so homework that is meant to take 30 minutes will probably take me 90 minutes. Worrying about the workload is just making my depression worse, but I can’t give up on my future either. My health is my priority but I need to find a balance, at the moment their is too much work not enough care.

“So… I have depression…”
To my family, who I haven’t told about my depression. The worst part is not knowing whether they care about me, my depression makes me think they don’t care but I honestly can’t think of anything they have done to help recently. If I could tell them, maybe they could help, maybe my depression wouldn’t be so bad, maybe I would have more people to support me when I want to cut or kill myself.

Click here to read about my first counselling session.

“I don’t know why I’m depressed, can I have the solution now?”
To my counsellor, who is adamant that I know how my depression started. I don’t. When will they understand? Asking me over and over will not suddenly create a reason for my depression starting. I came to my counsellor for help and so far they have just made things worse (thank the NHS that this is free counselling though, or it would be a waste of money). Imagine if you could wake up one day and have one of your problems disappear, imagine if your depression just disappeared. I wish I could have a magic solution but my counsellor isn’t even giving me the regular one yet.

So, that’s what I would say to the people in my life. I know I will get there one day. What would you say?

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6 thoughts on “Four Things I Wish I Could Say About My Depression

  1. deepbluesandseafoamgreens says:

    Depressionless *hugs*
    This post came at an interesting time for me, to be honest. Interesting in that recently I’ve had something which I’ve struggled to explain (to myself, first and foremost) and that’s how….well, I think every now and then I’d like to remind people that I’m there for them, regardless of the fact that I have my good days and bad days, I still care. Basically, it’s amazing how hard I find it to look someone directly in the eye and say that I’m there for them. I guess it stems from wanting to be reminded myself? I don’t know at all. But eh, just a thought there.

    Like

  2. Lonely Little Acorn says:

    Heres something to cheer you up, I have nominated you for the inspiring bloggers award! Look at my last post to see what you need to do

    Like

  3. depressionless,

    i have found i can only get the support I ask for. i have little hope of my wife supporting me the way that make sense if i don’t tell her what make sense. if i hide from my support groups, i hide from myself; that only hurts myself. if i don’t tell my friends about the support I desire, they will have a much harder time trying to do what i want. if I don’t tell my therapist how they can help me most, there is little to no chance of them helping me to the fullest.

    coming out of months of isolation, asking for support has added meaning. i have to let the friends who felt shut out my by isolation that i’m back and would like to try to save a friendship that has seemingly withered on the vine.

    all of this is hard. many times i try to do one of the above and i find myself bumped or buffeted off course. for my own well being, i know i have to try again.

    it’s even worse when depression pulls me down enough where i can’t even answer the questions. when that happens, i just feel like being. I just want to be there. and that is what i would ask a spouse, friend, therapist, or support group to do; just be with me, too. I don’t want solutions. just be with me. and by them doing so, they let me know that i’m okay in the freakish condition I find myself in.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Friends and family are sometimes the hardest to confide in,I think sometimes because they’re too close to you, and especially when self-harm and suicide are mentioned it’s so out of most peoples sphere of experience it can scare them away.

    Also mixed in is the lack of awareness of how this illness can affect every area of your life, it is also a secretive illness your loath to tell anyone because you feel ashamed, or you don’t want to let anyone down, so that mask is clamped on good and tight whilst you yourself pretend everything is ok, when really you have been taken hostage, with it seems no way of escape.

    I found going to friends outside of my immediate circle helped a lot, as they tended to listen and not react, and it helped me to eventually tell those closer to me.

    Building a support network takes time, and it’s not just friends & family, but your doctor/therapist, hand with their help you can begin the long process of healing.

    It’s important that you use this blog as an outlet, and your writing is good, but it also serves to help you get those feelings out there and to know your not alone, even through this medium your communicating with like minded people who can also help you on your journey back to wellness.

    Like

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