When it comes to depression, there are certain things that I struggle to talk about. To my friends, my family, my teachers and my counsellor I hide something, I hide different feelings from all of them. I wish they could figure it out, it would make my life so much easier. I wish I could tell them but my depression stops me, I’ve made progress so far and one day I’m sure I will say these things but for now I can’t. I hope one of them stumbles onto my blog and reads what is here, not knowing I wrote it, and decided to change what they do to help me.
“I can’t do this on my own, I need you with me”
To my friend, the only one who I can talk to about my depression. I don’t think they understand my depression, but they still try to be there for me whenever they can. It’s not enough though, I was cutting myself last week (and my whole arm is covered in cuts now) and I asked them to help me but they were busy. I can understand they have plans with other friends but I feel I need support. Maybe I can’t expect so much from one person, I can’t blame them for anything that has happened to me, and they mean so much to me.
“Forget the work, I need to focus on myself”
To my teachers. I am at college and the workload is a lot more than school. Depression means I struggle to concentrate a lot of the time (I already get extra time for exams) so homework that is meant to take 30 minutes will probably take me 90 minutes. Worrying about the workload is just making my depression worse, but I can’t give up on my future either. My health is my priority but I need to find a balance, at the moment their is too much work not enough care.
“So… I have depression…”
To my family, who I haven’t told about my depression. The worst part is not knowing whether they care about me, my depression makes me think they don’t care but I honestly can’t think of anything they have done to help recently. If I could tell them, maybe they could help, maybe my depression wouldn’t be so bad, maybe I would have more people to support me when I want to cut or kill myself.
“I don’t know why I’m depressed, can I have the solution now?”
To my counsellor, who is adamant that I know how my depression started. I don’t. When will they understand? Asking me over and over will not suddenly create a reason for my depression starting. I came to my counsellor for help and so far they have just made things worse (thank the NHS that this is free counselling though, or it would be a waste of money). Imagine if you could wake up one day and have one of your problems disappear, imagine if your depression just disappeared. I wish I could have a magic solution but my counsellor isn’t even giving me the regular one yet.
So, that’s what I would say to the people in my life. I know I will get there one day. What would you say?