I’m not sure what to do, I honestly don’t see the point in living right now. What do I have to look forward to? College? Friends? Family? Hobbies? The answer is nothing, there is nothing to look forward to because nothing good is going to happen to me. There is something worse though, I have no one to talk to.
My friends? Well, I have two friends who know about my depression. One lives 3000 miles away in another continent (which is why I sometimes don’t include them and say I only have one friend I can talk to). They also won’t be able to talk to me tomorrow or Saturday due to religious reasons. My other friend, as I keep mentioning recently, does not seem to want to talk to me. They keep “making other plans” when we already have plans to meet. I’m not sure if they still want to be friends. All of my other “friends” do not know about my depression, so I would struggle to talk to them.
My family? I’m not sure if they even care. Honestly, if I left the house and didn’t return tonight they wouldn’t even care. They might start to be curious after a day or two, but I can’t imagine them losing any sleep over me disappearing. I don’t see why I should talk to them about my depression if they don’t care.
My GP or counsellor? I can’t trust them at the moment. If I talk to them about my suicidal thoughts they will probably try to make me go to hospital, which is the last thing I want to happen. Anyway, my counsellor hasn’t even helped me yet so telling them that I want to kill myself will just make things worse.
A suicide helpline? I have just talked to Childline (before writing this) and they didn’t help me at all. They keep bringing up the past times I talked to them, and avoiding all the questions I asked by asking some of their own. I have emailed Samaritans, and I might call them tomorrow because they are better at dealing with suicide.
Anyone else? I don’t know. Well, it seems I don’t really have anyone to talk to at the moment. Maybe I could cut my arms again until Samaritans reply to my email (which will be a few hours), or maybe I could start making a new suicide plan because I haven’t thought about it for a while. What do you guys think?