Suicidal, Anyone To Talk To? No?

I’m not sure what to do, I honestly don’t see the point in living right now. What do I have to look forward to? College? Friends? Family? Hobbies? The answer is nothing, there is nothing to look forward to because nothing good is going to happen to me. There is something worse though, I have no one to talk to.

My friends? Well, I have two friends who know about my depression. One lives 3000 miles away in another continent (which is why I sometimes don’t include them and say I only have one friend I can talk to). They also won’t be able to talk to me tomorrow or Saturday due to religious reasons. My other friend, as I keep mentioning recently, does not seem to want to talk to me. They keep “making other plans” when we already have plans to meet. I’m not sure if they still want to be friends. All of my other “friends” do not know about my depression, so I would struggle to talk to them.

My family? I’m not sure if they even care. Honestly, if I left the house and didn’t return tonight they wouldn’t even care. They might start to be curious after a day or two, but I can’t imagine them losing any sleep over me disappearing. I don’t see why I should talk to them about my depression if they don’t care.

My GP or counsellor? I can’t trust them at the moment. If I talk to them about my suicidal thoughts they will probably try to make me go to hospital, which is the last thing I want to happen. Anyway, my counsellor hasn’t even helped me yet so telling them that I want to kill myself will just make things worse.

A suicide helpline? I have just talked to Childline (before writing this) and they didn’t help me at all. They keep bringing up the past times I talked to them, and avoiding all the questions I asked by asking some of their own. I have emailed Samaritans, and I might call them tomorrow because they are better at dealing with suicide.

Anyone else? I don’t know. Well, it seems I don’t really have anyone to talk to at the moment. Maybe I could cut my arms again until Samaritans reply to my email (which will be a few hours), or maybe I could start making a new suicide plan because I haven’t thought about it for a while. What do you guys think?

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25 thoughts on “Suicidal, Anyone To Talk To? No?

    • If you want, you can give me your Skype details through my contact page (its somewhere on my site, click one of the buttons at the top) and we can both talk about how depressing our lives are. Only IM chat though at the moment sadly.

      Liked by 3 people

  1. myambivalentexistence says:

    Talk to your counsellor. Being in hospital is not a bad thing. It will give you time to clear your head. *hug*. I wish i had better advice but ultimately it is up to the individual. Nobody can stop or save someone who is going to kill themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. depressionless,

    i’ve been there, too. that place goes by the name of despair. it scares me to be it that place. all hope seems lost, all reasons to go on seems few to none. it seemed like the only thing to do would be to end it all. in that place fear rules, that makes it a hard place to be.

    do not lose hope. you offer hope to me each and every day. it may be hard to see right now, but there is the other side. despair tells you there isn’t. others have fought through that despair, including me on multiple occasions and i hope you will battle through and join me on the other side.

    you’ve done it before, don’t lose hope. keep on fighting.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Please don’t cut or try suicide. There are better thInge to do and look forward to, you just have to find them, and sometimes they’re staring you in the face but you can’t see for looking.

    Talking to a councilor may help, if they’re a good councillor. In my experience, a good one won’t tell you what to do, they may offer suggestions but they’re more likely to ask what you want or think you should do, then ask you if you think that’s a good or bad idea.

    I don’t know if you’re taking any meds to help this. Don’t be afraid to try this, it’s not a failure on your part to be happy, some people’s body chemistry can just lead to them feeling down and depressed. Remember that you’re a teenager too (I’m assuming from reading your blog) and there’s all kinds of chemical changes going on in your body that are going to mess with how you feel, they don’t make jokes about moody teenagers without reason.

    Lastly, I’m here, if just to lend a shoulder to cry on.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I am sending you a hug. Seriously, there are people responding to your pain right here… We care! I’ll give you my number if you’d like. I understand how lonely and hopeless you are feeling. I’ve been there myself. Please reach out to one or more of us.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Depresionless, I’m here if every you want to talk. I’m not an expert by any means, but what I can offer is friendship. Please don’t hesitate to contact me at ellej3@hotmail.com if ever you want to talk about ANYTHING. I know it’s hard but I want you to help yourself get out of depression, because no matter what your counsellor, GP, parents or hotline tell you, it will just be like passing a foggy veil. You said there’s nothing to live for? Make your own thing to live for! Please realize that depression is just a frame of mind preventing you from living, than merely existing. If there’s any hint that you believe in God, try Him. Because afterall, the Christian God offers Living Water, to those who need it.

    Much love,
    Ellen Galupo

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thanks for reaching out and being honest. So sorry you are in pain and glad you are writing about it. Is there anyone you can help today? So many people who need a word of encouragement or a little lift. You helped me by commenting on my blog. “No life is wasted who has lightened the load of another.” -Charles Dickens

    Liked by 1 person

  7. As I’m going through similar crap, with depression, self-harm and suicidality, if you ever want to chat, vent, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask for my contact details. It’s so hard finding people who want to talk about this as openly and frankly as you and I do. Even people who suffer with depression in my experience don’t want to talk frankly about self-harm. Even my psychologist often flinched at the mention of it and didn’t want to hear details. :/ It’s tough, I know, but if you do want someone else to chat with, there’s always an ear here. x

    Liked by 1 person

  8. What is that picture on top of your blog?

    There is a (rather trite I know) expression in AA about living in today – to keep from drinking, or whatever the behavior, just don’t do it today. So, don’t kill yourself today. Same with the cutting. Maybe tomorrow. And when it gets to be tomorrow, it will be today, etc …

    Speaking of AA, chemicals (drugs alcohol etc) are going to make you more susceptible to committing suicide, cutting, etc. so try not to do them. If that’s a problem for you then AA/NA or whatever A might really help you with your depression. Alcohol is actually a depressant! People think they will feel better but in reality it is depressing your brain?

    I am not assuming you are doing any of that, just throwing out possible solutions.

    Do you guys have any DBSA groups close by? It stands for Depression Bipolar Support Alliance, you don’t have to have bipolar. Try http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home and there is a button where you can search for a meeting near you.

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  9. Gosh – I know that I have felt suicidal. I have been there. In your writing, I feel your lonliness. It is tough to trust. I know I had issues with that. I still do. Slugging through depression can be tough. Sometimes, I think one has to break it down. Maybe, writing helps. Sometimes, simple things like a walk, picking up the phone, finding distractions and mind numbing work. I used to work on plants in my spare time.

    Reading through other posts, I agree with the statement that there is always tomorrow. I agree that you could take this day as it comes. It is a fact that we do not know what tomorrow brings. I think it is real important to not be alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Depression is baffling to me. I have been stugglling with my demons for many years. When I started realizing that it takes a lot of energy to fight demons, I tried another approach. I am not ashamed of my demons. I write about them and they started quieting down.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Dear Depressionless

    You are not alone. Life is tough for all of us and sometimes it sucks all the positivity out of you. There is loneliness and immense pain. I know you feel that probably nobody in the world understands the amount of pain you are going through. You feel like you are in an uphill batlle all by yourself.
    But don’t give up. Your life is much more precious than you realise. Take your blog for example, your blog might be the reason for somebody else to fight their own demons because you give them the courage to do so.
    Don’t cut yourself or kill yourself instead go for a long walk since you like those. Or go watch a movie. Distract yourself for a while and then come back as a rejuvenated warrior. Ready to fight back.

    Lots of love, prayers and hugs,
    Apoorva

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I have gotten to the point in life where I think talking about it is over-rated. Writing is way better. People tend to disappoint. Professional or not. Even if it is a person with personal experience in these matters, they still might not say the right thing. It’s so individual, even within the same person but in different moments. In other words, I may or may not be receptive to certain responses at certain times. Ultimately, it is up to me to find the answers for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Siouxsie says:

    I have advice, it is how i get through bad stretches – breathe. Breathe. Keep breathing.

    This is just one moment in time, and if you can step past it, there is not necessarily pain on the other side. Life is made up of moments. Its possible that the next one will be the one that brings light into your life.

    If your friend seems to be pulling away, it may be because they feel unable to help you, and therefore useless to you. It can be very frustrating and uosetting if someone you care about needs help that you can’t provide.

    If you use the website reddit.com, there is a forum called /r/suicidewatch where there are ALWAYS people online to talk with you. ALWAYS.

    Breathe. XOXOXO

    Liked by 3 people

  13. Depressionless,

    Right now, your main goal must be to avoid killing yourself. Go to the hospital. Please. Don’t mess around with this thing, it’s a fricking killer. I don’t want you to die, OK? Don’t die! Tell the folks at the hospital that you are feeling like killing yourself. Don’t sugar coat it. Let them help you. It won’t be total fun, but it will keep you alive. That is you most important job right now, staying alive. Do it for me and for the kids you’re going to have someday. The ones who want to be born into your loving arms and look up to you and love you unconditionally.

    Go to the hospital. Compared to the way you’re feeling now, being there will be fun. Anything will be better than the way you’re feeling now.

    They will probably want to put you on some meds that will take the edge off. That’s OK, but it’s just a temporary help for most people. You need to re-think you life from the bottom up.

    You need to figure out what the right questions are about your life. Maybe it’s not as simple as, “What can I do to not be depressed?”

    Maybe the question is something else, for example: “Am I a control freak?” Usually that’s the last question a depressed person asks. But what if you have spent your whole life trying to please everybody because you want to control whether or not people like you? “People pleasers” get depressed because they can’t make everyone like them no matter how much they sacrifice and let other people walk all over them. They think they are the furthest thing from a control freak. They despise control freaks. But the truth for some of them is that they are afraid when people don’t like them. They are afraid of confrontation because of bad experiences they’ve had in the past. And so their fear makes them feel they have to control the situation by always giving in, always agreeing with the other person, always being milk toast unless they get so angry they snap. Then they lose another friend and feel bad. And they get depressed because they don’t defend themselves in ordinary small and medium-sized things.

    So find out what your question is. Maybe it’s, “Am I genetically set up to be a prospector for precious gems, or perhaps a scuba instructor on an island in the Pacific?”

    You know how some dogs will get fixated on chasing a stick? That’s an extreme example of genetic programming for a specific task. Humans are not totally different from that sometimes. Maybe your question revolves around what kind of genetic predispositions you need to pay attention to with respect to your career or business or hobby.

    Then remember that several things are known to help depression:
    1. Cardiovascular exercise.
    2. Keeping a journal.
    3. Meditation. (Yoga breathing and stretching is quite good for short-term relief if you do the breathing right. But it takes basic info and concentration to do the breathing right. That’s key.)
    4. Random acts of kindness.
    5. Writing down three things that you’re thankful for each day.
    6. Good sleep. I heard that a shrink said that 90% of the people he sees would find all their problems solved if they only got excellent sleep every night.

    Anyway, go to the hospital immediately. Now. If you don’t take this disease seriously it will destroy you completely. This world is so full of interesting things and meaningful purposes.

    For instance, I believe that the information in DNA literally screams that it was written by a supreme mind. I also think there is evidence of genetic tampering in one of the species alive today. Science is the reason I believe in God. There’s some evidence that people who believe in God are happier than those who don’t. Not sure how strong the correlation is, but it certainly makes intuitive sense that if the complexity of our DNA code/info reflects the presence of a superior being, there’s a lot bigger chance of finding meaning in life than if we all came from the mindless accident that the thought police establishment crams down our throats in textbooks, media and everywhere else. Read the book, “Signature in the Cell” by Stephen Meyer, Ph.D. http://www.amazon.com/Signature-Cell-Evidence-Intelligent-Design/dp/0061472794 Take a rare look at the taboo cutting-edge science regarding the origin of life. There’s a lot to live for right now. People are waking up to a lot of interesting things, not just this. You need to be alive to get involved in it and enjoy the excitement.

    “Run! Get to da Chappa!”

    M. Talmage Moorehead, your verbose pal
    http://www.storiform.com

    cytopathology@gmail.com
    Write me an email just to tell me you’re still alive. Thanks. And thanks for reaching out with this great post. What a brilliant thing you did writing it! Kudos.

    Like

  14. The Secrets of Uriya says:

    I haven’t had a chance to read your full post yet, but we need to chat!

    It bloody hurts, whatever you do, it hurts, and that moment of pain is actually worse than the problems itself.

    Be the king/queen of your world right now. Sit up straight, cross your legs over, put your chin high up!

    Like

  15. The Secrets of Uriya says:

    now, I have read your post, and you know what? 90% of GPs, counsellors don’t give a shit.
    oh let me rephrase that, they simply don’t understand us anymore. Reason being, when things become a job, most people start looking at clients/patients as a… “subject” “work”.. etc and I understand that there are often no genuine understanding or connection we can make with those professionals.

    It is extremely hard to make that connection… Would you like to go back home and rub it in to the family who doesn’t seem to care? that you are laughing at them… that you will take advenrage over them as much as you can… Its hard. But I believe we sometimes just need to be selfish to protect ourselves. I constantly struggle over that issue.. But if you think you can be strong enogh to go home and face them please do so. Or please, even if its a fake help, get those help. Anything is better than taking your precious life away, like many other times, this moment will pass. Who knows, you might just win a lotto next week!

    Like

  16. Wordation says:

    Thanks for liking my poetry blog. I am going to share a little something with you. I have spent a lot of my life fighting in wars and combat zones around the world. I have seen things that some people would have never thought one human could do to another human. I know what it is like to take another’s life away from them and how I have to live with that. After leaving the military I buried myself in the middle of nowhere in France, I was alone but not lonely. I write poetry like I do because of what I have experienced in life. The one thing I learned in life is how beautiful life is and how beautiful some people are. No doubt you are one of the beautiful people I now enjoy being around. You are as precious as your life is precious, so live it. Never give up, never lose hope because there are many good people out there who do care.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I am in the rather fortuitous position of having two really good friends – one of whom I house-sure with – that I can talk too.

    I dare not think what might happen if they weren’t so understanding. So I really do feel for you.

    Advice – no matter how well intentioned – can, when one is feeling especially bad, seem trite.

    So instead I wish you well.

    Liked by 1 person

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