One Cut Down, Pass It Around, 14 Cuts On My Arm Still To Go…

Counselling is meant to help me, but why does it make me feel like this? Why did my counselling make me go home and cut my arm until I can only see red? Why did my counselling cause me to start thinking suicidal thoughts again? Well, I shouldn’t put all the blame on my counselling but that is definitely what pushed me over the edge today. I don’t understand why it has to be me that always feels depressed, I never see anyone else depressed, but then I guess no one ever shows it.

Click here to read about my first CAMHS counselling session.

The first thing today that annoyed me was having to wake up an hour early to do my sixth college test of the week. I did two maths tests and an electronics test on Monday, and two more maths tests on Tuesday. Then guess what? Another maths test today. Oh no Depressionless, poor you, an hour early, another maths test! Don’t joke around, I have been feeling a lot more anxious over these tests and although they aren’t enough to make me depressed they certainly add to my already horrible feelings. Anyway, how did it go? In fact, don’t ask. I don’t want to know myself. I spent the first 15 minutes panicking and then the rest of the test trying to answer questions while my mind is foggy. They give me extra time in tests now due to my depression and anxiety, but that just means more time to panic.

So after maths, I went to electronics. People ask me how my physics test went. Yes, that physics test that I got a D grade in. Yes, I was previously an A grade student and I got a D in my physics test. Yes, you can stop annoying me about it now. At least I get my electronics results back today, I surely can’t do worse than I did in physics. But it looks like I got a… C! Yes, I was getting A grades and now I get a C. This depression is really not helping me. At this point I’m very irritated and ready to explode.

My friend says this is not an acceptable place to "hang" out.

My friend says this is not an acceptable place to “hang” out.

At midday I am on the way back home. I get a text from my friend. They can cheer me up, they always do, especially when they send me a text saying “Sorry, I can’t meet you after your counselling today, change of plans”. Okay, so I think after this I have a reason to be depressed. Nothing good had come so far and my mind is now focused on cutting myself after my counselling session. They change plans, I can make some of my own. This is probably why I was so happy (when I say this, I mean I wasn’t about to cry) when walking into my counselling session. Hello, how are you, I’m smiling because I know I get to destroy my body once we are done.

So into my counselling session I walk. Tell me about your week? Have you done the sleeping diary I asked? Do you know why you have depression? And a list of 50 questions I cannot answer. I am convinced by my meetings with counsellor that their job is to annoy people and make people want to cut themselves out of depression. From my research you cannot cut your way out of depression, only give yourself a short mood stabiliser (or what you want to call those chemicals). Like my last session, it ended with me answering the last 20 questions with “I don’t know”. They know I don’t know, but I don’t know why they think I will know if they keep asking if I know.

Fast-forward to home. On my bed, cutting myself. One cut. Two cut. Three cut. Four. I want to cut myself more. Five cut. Six cut. Seven cut. Eight. It’s just me that I do hate. My readers may remember that I needed to pass 10 cuts to set a new delusional cutting record. I was not delusional at this point but on counting my cuts I believe I reached 15. Let’s hope I don’t cut anymore today because this record is too high for my liking. On the 15th cut I got a text from my friend, the same friend, who said they wanted to talk soon. This is probably because I sent them a very depressed text after they said they couldn’t meet me. After a couple of texts they tried to stop me cutting. I don’t think they have read my most recent text yet, but I want them to know I’ve stopped for now. I don’t want them to feel sad just because I do, there are enough sad people in the world already.

My cutting record delusion? Click here to read about it.

So I have cleaned up my cuts, and my arm does look quite bad now considering I hadn’t cut much recently so most of the cuts are from today. There is not much else to be sad about, unless you want to include none of my friends or family wanting to talk to me today. Tomorrow can only get better (well no, but I will hope it does). Not my worst day of depression by far, but I have started cutting quite a lot again which is worrying. How was everyone else’s day?

10 thoughts on “One Cut Down, Pass It Around, 14 Cuts On My Arm Still To Go…

  1. 😦

    I’m sorry you’re having such a dark day.

    And when people don’t come through, for me it feels like I’m floating out of earth’s atmosphere and they let go of the string. Like they are too busy to care or bother to hold on.

    I’ve never cut myself, I have other self-destructive things I do. Why do we do it? Self-loathing? Self punishment? If I bleed/hurt I must still be alive? Physical manifestation of how we feel on the inside?

    Because I want to reach out, I wrote you a haiku. Maybe it sucks. You can re-write it.

    Fifteen new red stripes
    Show the inside on the out
    Feel bad feel good feel

    Liked by 3 people

  2. We are here for you. It is good that you knew to reach out for help here. Your brain must want to stop making you cut, if it also told you to reach out for help.
    It is terrible when our broken brains send us mixed messages like CUT and Reach Out For Help to Stop Cutting.
    I don’t know why that happens but I am pointing it out to you because sometimes analyzing what the brain is doing and why , puts me into an analytical state which quiets down the fear centers and depression centers of the brain.
    Sorry for the run on sentence. I only write them when I am very stressed or excited. I am truly concerned for your mental health and also about your arm getting too many cuts and getting infected or losing too much blood.
    There we go with the run on sentences again, Sorry
    Did you ever notice that women say SORRY more than men do. Why is that?
    Must be a blog topic for another day.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It sucks when you feel unheard. it sucks when therapist don’t give people what they want and need. that happened to you.

    here in lies the abridged general theory of support as put forward by bipolarsojourner.

    there are two basic types of support. one is solution based and the other is acknowledgment based.

    with the first, solutions are the answer to every problem. you are depressed? let’s fix it. we have this entire bucket of solutions that we apply to depression and soon you’ll be fixed.

    with the second, acknowledgements are the key. the acknowledgement model, calms the mind and soul because it helps people realize that they are ok, and not broken just because they are depressed.

    Now for the sad part. people looking for solutions feel unfulfilled when they are acknowledged. people looking for acknowledgements feel unfulfilled when they receive solutions. Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the nose when they said, “all you have to do to beat depression is do this.” inside you scream with rage. not another solution! i just want to know i’m okay.

    to project, you go to therapy looking for acknowledgement that you are okay. you hear you are broken in so many ways. that is scary in so many ways. run away! run away!

    tell your therapist, doing exactly what they learned in school, to stop trying to fix you. it is only making things worse. They have to earn your trust first by showering you with authentic acknowledgements. it is only then you will be safely open to their solutions because you will be stronger and be able to hear them without feeling broken.

    on a pessimistic note, good luck with that. your therapist will freeze because they are truly clueless on how broken the solution based model is when it comes to depression. it screws more with the mind than it will ever help. depression can’t be “fixed”, it must be worked through. acknowledgements help to shorten that trip.

    i hope i presented this clearly an that it strikes a good chord with you.

    p.s. sometimes the depression clears on its own before the solution bucket empties. the therapist then gets to claim all my effort made the difference. maybe, maybe not. maybe i just came out the other side of depression and the therapist’s work didn’t even count for a hill of beans.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. The thing about pain — whether it’s physical and/or mental — is that it’s very easy for this feeling to get caught in an endless loop. A cycle that can become harder and harder to break the longer you suffer from your illness — unless you learn effective management techniques.

    Your loop appears to be the negative thoughts in your brain, so I would think managing those thoughts would include ways to break the cycle. Medication helps, but you shouldn’t rely on chemicals all the time.

    Considering how a song or a scent can easily allow us to recall a good (or bad) memory, you might try using one of these things to see if it might help break your loop. A certain scented product you can carry and take a whiff of when you can’t stop the negative thoughts. A song you can play. Even a food/taste that brings back good memories. Flooding your brain with good memories through triggers like this might help to hold back the negative thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ❤ The thing I try absolutely not to do re my self-harm is count wounds or count how long I've gone without doing it, or anything to do with numbers really, as I know I'll get a perverse satisfaction about "beating" the record of wounds or if I relapse and spoil a long gap between harming, I'll beat myself up about it and probably just push myself into a bigger episode anyway. I know it's easier said than done though.

    My psychologist got very frustrated with me for always answering "I don't know". God knows what they expect. Perhaps if we already knew all the answers, we wouldn't have to go to therapy?! I think they just want an "easy" case sometimes where the patient can go in and say "This is the event that triggered my depression and these are my triggers for relapse". …

    Anyway, sending my love. This is not an easy fight, but we're definitely not alone in it (something that simultaneously makes me grateful for the support and understanding of fellow sufferers but agonized to know that others are going through this too…) X

    Liked by 2 people

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