This delusion started around 9pm on New Years Eve, I had a strange idea that I had to beat my “self-harm record”. By this I mean I had to cut myself (until I bleed) more than I had on any other day. This was a delusion, I don’t actually keep a record, so I had no idea what my “record” was. Although I am learning to control my self-harm urges I have had days where I just lost it and decided to cut. During this delusion I predicted that I my current record was around 8. Again, I can’t say if this is true because I don’t keep a record. My delusion had decided I would cut myself 10 times so that I could set a new record.
Earlier in the day I had cut myself once. Why? Me and my family were going for a New Years Eve meal. My family set off my urges. Whenever we are all together there are no normal conversations, we always argue about pointless things. They all believe there is this ranking table in the family and the more you disprove another person the more points you get. Honestly, I cannot cope with my family which is why I never talk to them. Anyway, my delusion recognised I had already done one cut today which meant 9 more cuts to go.
When the delusion started at 9pm I did 2 cuts in the first 10 minutes. I decided to take a break and went to get a drink. Well, all this cutting would be thirsty work, I’m not going to be able to do 10 cuts without a drink! When I got back to my room with my drink I started to fight against my delusion. I knew it was a delusion so I tried to distract myself while I repeated “it is not true”. I spent about 30 minutes listening to music. For those interested, the song I remember was I Can by Nas.
It was getting close to 10pm and I still needed 7 more cuts. I actually needed to stop myself doing 7 more cuts but my delusion was taking over again. It was a slow process. First I stopped distracting myself with music, I just sat on my bed. About 5 minutes later I picked up my knife. Another 5 minutes later I rolled back my sleeves. And then… cut. After that, another cut. I had reached 5 cuts, which meant only 5 more cuts to go. There were 90 minutes until midnight. In my mind I was doing calculations, working out the “minutes per cut” rate.
I began to distract myself with music again. While I listened to the music I knew I would need another distraction. I thought about my regular distractions. I couldn’t make a lot of noise, I was at home and my family would shout at me. I could not talk to my friend who was on holiday over the Christmas period. I thought about writing something random, but my delusion was still fighting against me and it told me not to. Tears were rolling down my face, I was silently screaming in my head.
This time listening to music did not last long. At 11:10pm I had reached 9 cuts. My delusion was not satisfied, it was already making plans to reach 15 cuts in the last hour. I knew this was impossible, but I love challenges and my delusion knew this. “You can do it” and “Only 6 cuts to go” were going through my mind. Could I really do it?
I’ll tell you now, my 10th cut came at around 11:30pm. I would never be able to manage another 5 cuts in the last 30 minutes… or would I? Well, I was fighting off my delusion again and managed to keep it away until midnight. I remember looking at my phone every minute just to see the time change, and know I wont reach 15 cuts with so little time left. Midnight came! My delusion had won by me reaching 10 cuts, but I had a little victory by not reaching the second goal of 15 cuts. I welcomed 2015 with my cut and bleeding arms!
This was a horrible delusion. It was on and off for 3 hours, longer than my regular 10 minute delusions. I will hope that this delusion does not come back, I would rather cut myself once to remove a bug than cut myself 10 times to break an imaginary record (well it will have to be more than 10 times now).
Whether it is a positive or not, I am a little happy that my bug delusion has gone. How did I get rid of it? I’m not exactly sure, however last time I had the delusion I was able to control myself better and recognise I do not need to cut myself open to remove my imaginary demons. Okay, so that’s probably not why that delusion left, I have a feeling it will come back. But that delusion is more controllable now, as long as I keep reminding myself that insects do not appear under skin randomly (if they can, someone show me some evidence because I will need to get it checked out).
I will keep trying to fight my delusions. It is working with varied success, but I guess as long as my depression is with me my delusions will try to fight me. I can try my best, I cannot try better than that. My delusions remind me I am only human, it reminds me that life can get better. When I have those 30 minutes in between cutting I know I have succeeded in fighting my delusion, and I still have hope. It may be the worst place to find hope, but I would rather have hope than be back where I was a couple of weeks ago, on the verge of ending it. The book of 2014 closes, you will find it in the adventure section, and I have begun to write my book of 2015. I am the writer, I choose what happens in my book, and you choose what happens in yours.