Delusional: Help! Another Bug Under My Skin!

One bug in my hand, I could deal with that after days thinking I was turning crazy. But when this bug returns, I wonder what is going on with my life! This bug is imaginary (it doesn’t seem like it at the time – but when I’m sane I realise this) which probably makes everything worse. It could appear at any time, when I’m eating my dinner, when I’m playing football, or when I’m on my laptop. I can’t predict when it will appear, so I’m not exactly sure how to stop it.

Was this the bug?

Was this the bug?

Well, it has only happened twice. Both times I had a strange feeling I should write about it afterwards. I was not sure whether to share this episode because I don’t want my blog to become too depressing (it’s about depression, I’m not sure what I expected), but I know everyone will be interested in what happened. Here you go…

The return of the bug! And this time with sound effects! I am not sure when this episode started, I think it was just after 11:30am while I was on my laptop. Suddenly I could feel something on the inside of my right arm above the joint. My mind was telling me there might be a bug under my skin again, but this time I decided to argue with myself. It wasn’t really an argument but every 30 seconds my mind changed from “there might be a bug, cut yourself open and check” to “there isn’t really a bug, you’re just tricking yourself”. After a few minutes I decided to cut my arm, it did not hurt and it was easy to cut. No surprise, no bug. My mind was now telling me the bug had moved to my forearm despite there being no strange feeling there. There were white marks which I recognised was probably dead skin but at the same time I thought the bug may have left it. I tried to cut open my forearm but it would not bleed. Then after a few more minutes of rubbing the knife against my skin I told myself I could get rid of the bug by putting both of my arms under the tap. I left the knife in my room and walked to the bathroom, and put my arms under the tap. I was a bit calmer so walked back to my bedroom. The time on my phone was 11:52am. Then came the terrifying part. I could hear scratching in the walls, from several different places high up the wall. My heart began to beat faster. I just walked out my room and downstairs. I estimate the episode lasted roughly 15 minutes, slightly longer than last time. This one I was not rocking as much, and I was able to try and stop myself which I could not do last time. However I did hear something. It may have been rats but I highly doubt it. Hopefully it does not happen again!

Click here to read about the first time a bug “appeared” in my hand.

Fortunately this time I kind of knew it wasn’t real. Well I thought it was real. But also I knew it wasn’t. I’m starting to think I have two minds, my regular mind and my depression mind. I am figuring out how to control my depression mind still, I guess this episode shows I am making progress, even if I did cut myself. Does anyone know exactly what I am experiencing? I call it a delusion but I’m not so sure. Maybe you have experienced something similar, anyone?

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11 thoughts on “Delusional: Help! Another Bug Under My Skin!

  1. If you are in danger of harming yourself, try those diversions you listed elsewhere, and if it doesn’t help, call your doctor. It’s great that you recognize it is just a delusion. Hope you feel better soon!

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  2. have you ever seen the movie beautiful mind? It is a good movie, but it might be a little scary considering your current struggles. It is a movie based on john nash’s life. he had a brilliant mind and suffered with delusions all of his adult life. he live anywhere totally medicated to totally unmedicated. he had a “family” of delusions that followed him around and caused him problems all of his life. Someone near the end of the movie asked “are they were there?”, referring to his “family”. He replied, “yes, but i choose not to listen to them.”

    i honor you for ignoring your bugs. keep reminding yourself they are not real. that’s your best course of action for the time being. having never been delusional myself, i can only imagine how difficult that would be. hang it there

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  3. I’ll be honest, I’m pretty pleased you’re developing an awareness of the delusions. Like… I can’t even see how that’s such a worrying thing, if you can carry on learning to spot them. Work with it, bro (bro? I call everyone that, *because* it’s an American cliché) and eventually, you’ll be another John Nash.

    Seriously, you’ve gotta get to watching A Beautiful Mind (who recommended it, originally?). You’ll identify so much with the main character. And we all need role models… especially at those points in our lives where we want to cut insects out from our dermis.

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    • Thanks, it takes a while but I do realise, and as long as I don’t do anything stupid (more stupid than I already do) I will learn to control and get rid of them completely. That’s what I hope anyway.

      I don’t know who recommended it first, but every comment I see now is mentioning it. I worry my blog will turn into the A Beautiful Mind Fan Club website. And I’m starting to think I’m the only one who hasn’t seen it.

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