The Rising Submarine

Days like this I wish I could just end it, I went out today to think about whether I was going to commit suicide but I said I will leave it until tomorrow, until my friend replies to my text. I feel empty. I feel pointless. That’s all I feel, my emotions have been drained by my constant sadness. I will be seeing my doctor again on Wednesday, but I do wonder what the point is. I have seen my regular GP 3 times, and this new doctor once. My mental state hasn’t improved, its got a lot worse. Christmas probably made it worse, don’t get me started on that though.

Click here for the last time I felt like this – it was quite recent.

With whatever emotions I had left I freestyled this poem today. Literally! I spent about 5 minutes writing it, and have not edited it. I haven’t even read through it to make sure everything makes sense, but then my mind does not make sense so I guess my poem will show how I feel. I’m not sure why I refer to submarines either, maybe because I want to lock myself in a submarine and sink to the bottom of the ocean. That would surely put me out of my misery, right?

The Rising Submarine
Nothing.

No feeling,
No emotion,
No comfort,
No purpose,

Feelings like submarines,
Sinking to the bottom, forgotten,
Left for years, rotten,
One day it will rise to the surface,
But still you can’t find the purpose,
Just blasting through the armada,
Missiles, torpedo’s, gunfire,
Trying to stop it just makes it harder,
But one bullet goes astray,
It dodges all strangers and finds its way,
To the one you love,
And you wish you had never floated above,
The surface line,
In time,
You’ll learn to control the monster inside,
Hide it away, locked in chains,
To get there you’ll be prodding brains,
Find what makes them tick,
What makes them fight, what makes them kick,
When you understand the meaning,
Maybe you can control the feeling,
But until the times comes,
The submarine remains forgotten,
You sit there wondering,
If it will ever rise to the surface,
Or if it will stay motionless.

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11 thoughts on “The Rising Submarine

  1. I hope you will go see someone. You don’t have to mention the suicidality but definitely get some med adjustment. The quicker you do the quicker things will change. I know it’s a pain to adjust them AGAIN (if you’re like me it’s the millionth time). But it’s worth it – this last med change except for very minor changes has lasted me 3 years. Twy it you’ll wike it!

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  2. Remember you aren’t alone. Writing reminds you that you are connected to others. Even others who understand the hopelessness and emptiness. There will be good days. Until then, I’m giving you a hug. A bottom-of-the-sea submarine hug.

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  3. thank you for the poem; I find it to be a true reflection of where you are today and it sucks to be there. i’ve been the sub stuck on the bottom with no rescue seemingly willing, ready or able to come. give it time, it will come. in the meantime kbaley374, your friend and i will continue to ping you to let you know that help is on the way. so, hang in there; you’ve got plenty of oxygen to your little vessel.

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      • hang in there. a car drive stood between and the dastardly deed. the pressure felt immense, similarly to what you are experiencing. I somehow found a way to muddle through. from what i’ve in the past couple of weeks, you are fighting valiantly as any sailor on the seven seas. all I can say is keep fighting, help is here and more is on the way.

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