Christmas In Hospital, Hanging Rope, Quest For Views

Spend Christmas in hospital? Buy some rope to hang myself? Reach 10,000 views? One has happened, one is in the process of happening, and one will not happen. Don’t you love suspense? Now you will have to read my post to find out…

I went to the doctors today. The GP I usually see was away because of the Christmas holidays so instead I had to see a different one. After about 30 seconds of sitting in his office listening to what he had to say I decided that I hate him. I seem to do that to most people I talk to about my depression, I have a feeling most of them hate me too so I don’t feel bad about it. After choosing to pretend everything is fine (no mention of my suicidal thoughts or delusion of a bug in my hand) I can now say that I wont be spending Christmas in hospital, unless something really bad happens to me. Afterwards I bought some rope. 30 metres of it. Apparently it can hold way over 100kg, it could easily hold me. When these suicidal thoughts go I am going to hate myself for buying the rope, which will then make me want to kill myself again. I think I’m stuck in a crazy cycle.

Click here to read about me cutting an imaginary bug out of my hand.

In other news, I was thinking about not continuing my blog. Then I realised that this was another one of my depressed thoughts. I love writing my blog, it gives me a place to share my feelings. I will continue to write advice, poems and about my life for a while. I started my blog this month and already have a loyal following of at least two people (bipolarsojourner and kbailey374 – they comment on most of my posts, check the comments if you don’t believe me). I have already passed 500 views, and my post To Kill Or Not To Kill is on 99 views as I write this.

I didn't manage to get a selfie with Santa, so this drawing will have to do...

I didn’t manage to get a selfie with Santa, so this drawing will have to do…

Next year I want to achieve a lot. I have a blog post planned for this but I will just share a couple things now. Firstly, I have a petition in mind that I want to start, I have been discussing it with a few people recently and there are not many reasons to disprove of it (I’ll be glad to debate it once I post it next year). Secondly, I want to reach 10000 views which means I will be posting regularly next year. Thirdly, I am going to keep linking to the blogs of people who support my blog. I do this quite randomly and I don’t know if anyone notices, I don’t really care as long as everyone shares each other’s work.

Click here to read about a petition I have already supported, set up by a fellow blogger.

I’ve saved the happiest part until last. For those who celebrate it (most of my views are from USA and UK so probably a lot of you) I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I have scheduled a Christmas poem for tomorrow so you will find that in your email inbox if you follow this blog. I hope you all enjoy it, try to be happy for one day!


5 thoughts on “Christmas In Hospital, Hanging Rope, Quest For Views

  1. I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. I hope that you have some moments of relief from the mental anguish for Christmas. Although I don’t know if this will happen because Christmas can be so triggering for depression. But my thoughts are with you anyway and i hope you have some peace.

    The holiday has been depressingg and anxiety provoking to me so far and i expect it will continue this way. The people i have to spend it with are triggering to my anxiety.

    Try to do something you like and so will i. I might try to escape the people when i get too sick of them and go watch Netflix. Hopefully they wont hunt me down but they might. Uhg.

    Peace and love,
    Sorry the world is so painful,


    • I know what you mean. Talking to my family (it sounds sad) triggers my depression and self-harming pretty bad, and since Christmas is a time for family I’m just hoping I don’t do something I regret. And then I’m expected to be happy… so hard…

      I’ve not suffered from anxiety (had the odd panic attack – not really anxiety) but I imagine how hard Christmas would be for you too. I hope you have a merry Christmas, I’ll probably lock myself in my room after a few hours so I will be here if you need someone to talk to.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. depressionless,

    friend, I care about you. you are in a tough place. you can make it through it. i know, i been to a very similar place, and I made it through. you’ve also made it through In your recent past.

    remember monday? you talked to your friend? they expressed how much they cared about you take that to heart, give them a call and have them remind you.

    your here likely because you felt unheard by the doctor. it always sucks for me when i go unheard. the wrong thought of if they didn’t listen to me, i must not have value. that voice is a bold face liar. I have value even though someone didn’t listen to me. want an example? take a look at time to prune. they didn’t want to listen? they did not value me? get out of my life you teller of lies, i am worth it.

    depressionless, friend, I want you around for tomorrow, I want you around for tomorrow’s tomorrow and many more tomorrows to come.

    please take a step back. the store remains open for a couple more hours; take the rope back. if the store is closed, give the rope to your friend, your neighbor, someone at the bus stop, a bum on the street. make the statement that the doctor not listening to you doesn’t mean your value has gone to zero. please step back from the edge.

    remember, YOU are worthy! choose to live another day. perhaps that day will make all the difference in the world.

    your friend and compatriot,

    bipolar sojourner


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