Delusional: Cut This Bug Out Of My Hand

Upon reading the title you would probably think I was going mad. Or maybe “cut”, “bug” and “hand” are the new words that the gangsters use on the streets of England. You wouldn’t believe there actually was a bug in my hand, would you? You don’t casually find insects in your hand, so when I had a funny feeling in my hand why was that what I decided had happened?

In my months of depression (I’m still confident it is just depression) I have never had a feeling like I did last night. It was complete madness. Fortunately for you readers, I wrote down my experience (I wrote it for my doctor so there is no fancy edits or words) not long after it happened. Below you can read exactly what I wrote:

It started just before 9pm, after I finished watching Men in Black 3 on TV. It felt as if there were a bug or creature under the skin on the back of my left hand. I could not see anything moving or hear it, but I just felt it there. In my mind I kept repeating “Get out my hand” and “I need to cut it out” so I cut the back of my hand until it bled. It felt as if the bug had left. A few minutes later it felt as if it reappeared further up the back of my hand, then in the side of my middle finger, then in the palm of my hand just under the middle finger. It did not actually move, but disappear and reappear in the new location. Each time I tried to cut it out but my skin did not bleed so it failed. I managed to cut myself on the palm. A few seconds later my palm was hurting a lot, more than when I cut my arms, and the bug had left my left hand. This whole episode lasted for about 10 minutes, and I was knelt on my bed the whole time either slowly rocking or trying to cut my hand. Roughly 10 minutes after it had finished I went downstairs to get something to eat. I decided there was nothing in my hand, even though it felt as if there were at the time. This had never happened before, and I find it very unusual. The bug has not returned, and I have not seen or heard anything unusual during or since. Now I think about it, the bug was probably an itch.

So I want to point something out about this. I find it very strange that as soon as it finished I was able to just get up and go downstairs. I’m not exactly sure what was going through my mind once the episode finished, but I can’t believe my mind could change from delusional to calm in a couple of seconds. I wouldn’t even call that part of having depression. Maybe there is a type of depression I don’t know about, or maybe I need to tell my doctor so they can list several more problems with me.

Now what I have to think about is whether to tell the doctor. I will see the doctor on Christmas Eve. If they think I am crazy or I am going to harm myself even more (if I have more of these delusions) they might make me stay in hospital over Christmas. That is unlikely to happen but I don’t want to take the risk. If I tell them I might get better, I might end up in hospital, both might happen or neither. I know I am not going to be happy on Christmas but that would surely ruin it. If this is a one off episode, I should be fine, but if it continues to happen it will only get worse. Have you had any experiences like mine? Share in the comments below.

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22 thoughts on “Delusional: Cut This Bug Out Of My Hand

  1. do be truthful with your doctor; without truth, there is no hope of getting the best care he can offer.

    i ain’t no doctor, and i’ve never played one on tv, but i believe you can have whatever christmas you choose since the delusions are not currently happening.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, That’s one thing depression does, makes people leap to the worst possible conclusion. take a minute, just a minute and imagine a favorable outcome, imagine yourself _outside_ the hospital for christmas. I internal struggle might insue, been there, done that, didn’t get the t-shirt, but a minute of good thoughts won’t harm you and maybe even help, if only for a momentary escape from the imagined world that depression creates and we find ourselves in.

        Liked by 2 people

    • I have been sitting here for several minutes trying to figure out what you are asking me… Still not sure…

      Thanks for the support though, you are always here when I post πŸ™‚ And some of those methods I use have worked when I want to self-harm normally, but last night I was in a completely different mind and all I could think was cutting the “bug” out of my hand.

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  2. I’ve been convinced of things that were not true, with depression; I spent a week trying not to look at or breathe on my kids, because I thought they were being poisoned by my presence. Like, I would change their nappies and stuff, but I’d try not to look them in the eye, or I’d hold my breath if I kissed their cheek, or whatever… for what it’s worth, no one’s ever hospitalized me.

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    • Yeah, I don’t think I can describe how bad depression is for anyone, it’s one of those things you have to experience to understand. I’m too young for kids (I could be a teenage parent but there are already enough of those) so I can’t imagine how hard that must have been, I hope you’re better now.

      From my Sherlock Holmes detective skills I have decided you are American, but I’m British, so the medical facilities for you will be different for me. Good to see you got better without it, but I don’t want to harm myself or anyone…

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am mostly/usually better. Depends if I take my meds or not… I usually do.

        I *am* American, you’ve got me there πŸ™‚ but I’ve lived in the UK since I was 19, and my first brush with meds for depression happened when I was 27. It was a British GP who didn’t refer me for a psych hold, back when I was trying not to give my kiddlets the evil eye. He was a kind of douchebaggy, middle-aged GP, as well (the kind you just know went to boarding school, as a kid)… he was pretty nice about it.

        Mind, I was only planning to kill myself, at that point. Like, I had the plan, I just couldn’t get a good time around looking after the kids (so tough to kill yourself safely when your youngest isn’t at school yet, and you’re responsible for them….). It might’ve been different if I’d actually started with the slicing myself open thing.

        Whether you decide to mention it or not, good luck. Ain’t nobody got time for bugs in their hands, even if said bugs are delusions.

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      • It was because you spelt hospitalised with a ‘z’. If you lived in the UK you should have learned to proper way to spell πŸ™‚

        And only planning to kill yourself? Maybe it is because I am a teenager but cutting seems a bit nicer than planning to kill yourself (whether someone goes through with it or not). I would rather get rid of my suicidal thoughts than get rid of my self-harming, hopefully I would get rid of both though.

        Glad to hear you are better now too!

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      • I believe the original spelling of many words (including hospitalized) included a “z”, even in British usage… according to Countdown (I think it was Susie Dent I was watching, anyway!) the spelling things with an “s” was actually a backlash against American English becoming more common (e.g. that dropping of “u” out of tonnes of words, which is just not on…) but in actual fact, we’d just copied some of the words from 200-year-old British dictionaries πŸ˜‰ (most of the ones with a “z” in the middle, in face)

        In other words, the “z” was the British adaptation of French words, and we kept it… but then you guys saw us using it, and went in a huff, and stopped to spite us, lol. But these are “facts” I’ve learned from TV and the Internet, so who knows how accurate they are?

        Also… well, obviously suicidal thoughts aren’t good–but docs tend to let you live with them (so to speak) right up until you start physically injuring yourself. But then, I also know plenty of people (we are talking back home, in this case) who’ve done intentional self-harming, and most of them haven’t been admitted either, so… it’s really just what you feel best about doing!

        Must dash, got friends round for festivities–let me finish by saying that I hope your holidays are going well. I’m having the nicest Christmas I’ve had in about 7 years πŸ™‚ Cannot complain!

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      • Well, I have learned that anything on QI or Countdown is probably true, so I’ll just have to believe you (it hurts to say that)…

        I would say they are not as bad on their own but if you combine suicidal thoughts, self-harm and wanting to cut imaginary bugs out of your body together it does sound quite bad. I chose not to tell my GP today just in case they want me to go hospital, but I will probably tell them after Christmas. I wish you a merry Christmas! I can’t say mine will be happy, but at least I wont be in hospital πŸ™‚

        And your bad word play made me remember, are you the person who told me to “hang in there” when I wanted to kill myself?

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      • *face of shame* I do believe I said that, yes.

        I’m sorry. I can’t help myself… it’s not that I think depression is funny; it’s that I think *everything* is funny. At least that’s what I tell myself, when I’m trying to laugh instead of cry.

        I’m glad you’re managing to stay out of hospital for Christmas, at least. Me, I feel sort of safe surrounded by doctors, but I’ve long since accepted I’m in the minority there. Apparently, doctors and hospitals freak most folks out! Who knew?

        If I say something truly insensitive or mean, please call me out on it. I joke about myself because it helps me cope, but I wouldn’t use someone else’s pain for a cheap laugh. (The price could be too high… oh, will I never stop with the dodgy puns.)

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      • I’m not offended or anything, if I gave out awards it would win “Best Comment On My Blog 2014”, or a nomination at least. I didn’t laugh when I first read it, but it’s slowly getting funnier each day.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Did you ever see the film, “A Beautiful Mind”? I was struck by how the main character finally figured out that what he was seeing was not real. He could still see the hallucinations even after figuring out they were not real, but thereafter he decided to co-exist with them. I always imagine how distracting that would be, but better than believing a lie and ending up being committed.

    I do not self-harm because I do not like the feeling of being cut or whatever. But I do have strange sensations on my arms that lead me to take a look and see if what I am feeling is really there. In my case, it will feel like water has dripped onto my skin. It feels real enough that my first thought is to wipe it away. When I look, nothing is there and my skin is as dry as can be. I do not think it is related to my depression. Perhaps it is related in some way to my anxiety, though, which is physical and will sometimes involve my entire body.

    Like the guy in “A Beautiful Mind”, I have made the decision to not get hooked by the strange sensations my body will sometimes put me through. I put my entire focus on healing from depression and just co-exist with the non-existent water drops.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not seen it but just looked it up now, apparently the main character is based on a real person, I might watch it with a friend some time. I imagine it is going to try and confuse me like Inception, right?

      I like hearing about people’s hallucinations and delusions, don’t ask me why though. I don’t imagine having water on you skin would cause you to self-harm, it is quite different to thinking there is a bug under your skin. Hopefully if it happens again I will be able to control it a bit better though.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh yes, the bug idea is much more disconcerting and since you’re not as opposed to self-harm as much as I am, that also adds to the challenge. On the other hand, it seems like we all have some complicated things going on that the average Joe doesn’t have to deal with. Seems unfair.

        The film was really interesting but I cannot compare it to Inception since I missed that one. I’d say it was less confusing for me than 21 Grams which I had to watch three times before I understood what actually happened. A Beautiful Mind is told in order and it does take the main character longer to realize he is experiencing hallucinations than it takes the audience. But I think most schizophrenics never are able to figure it out the way he does. So, there’s that.

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  4. I like the idea of that πŸ™‚ My dodgy comment slowly growing on you, providing some amusement where there was originally none. It’s better than you being offended, anyway.

    Just reading the above (everyone else’s comments) and I have to say, A Beautiful Mind is a wonderful film. So good, it’s one of only 3 films with Russell Crowe that I can bear to watch. You should give it a go… it’s, well, beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m fascinated and empathetic with this converation. I am surprised/surprized that no one has pointed out the obvious influence of Men in Black regarding the bug under the skin. I would recommend you steer clear of movies that have weird science-fiction creepy stuff going on or any sort of demonic possession for a while.

    And A Beautiful Mind is a wonderful and poignant movie.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well… let’s not have a debate but I watched Men in Black 3, while the first Men in Black is the one with the bug guy πŸ™‚

      I do like sci-fi stuff, I guess watching horrors would be worse for me.

      Like

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