Soldier Soldier Fighting Your Battle

How I imagine my personal battle...

How I imagine my personal battle…

Sometimes my depression makes me feel like I’m in a battle, under attack from myself. Instead of going to college today I decided to stay at home and sharpen my self-harming tools, and then obviously use them. As I write this my mum is downstairs, who does not know I am in my room hurting myself. I could tell her and get help, but I have to first convince myself that it is the right thing to do. And when I tell her, what will she say about me missing college?

This isn’t the worst of my battle, it came close to taking its first casualty on the weekend. One small thought and my battle could get very messy. I’m sure lots of people with depression suffer from suicidal thoughts, but how so many people control their thoughts amazes me, even how I do it amazes me. Don’t ask me how I do it because I’m not sure. All I can say is stay strong and your days will get better. Sometimes the battle will get worse, but it can only get so bad before the enemy troops stop advancing and you can take control again. Anyway, I wrote another poem, I hope everyone enjoys it.

Soldier Soldier Fighting Your Battle
Soldier soldier what did you do?
Do you fight a war, give me a clue?
I fought but I also had to take care
The wounds I suffered will not repair

Soldier soldier you don’t look so strong
How did you fight all day long?
It’s not just days and days I fought
For months by evil I could not be caught

Soldier soldier did you win an award?
Courage, bravery, knighted by the sword?
The battle I fought was unimportant to most
After my meeting with death I don’t want to boast

Soldier soldier I forgot to ask
Who did you fight in this heroic task?
Interesting question, I want you to see
I have depression. I fight against me.

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11 thoughts on “Soldier Soldier Fighting Your Battle

  1. and the choice i make, as have you, is to soldier on, to keep on battling.

    in the words of shrek, depression is like an onion. okay, he didn’t say that, but he very well could of.

    i found when i peel back my suicidal ideations layer, i still had despair, lack of just about any hope, staring me in the face. when i could peel back the despair layer, i found depression staring me in the face. when i have peeled back the depression layer, i have all the things that go into my href=”https://bipolarsojourner.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/recipe-for-depression/”> depression stew staring me in the face. i have found that those are the real root (onion. a root. get it!) of my problems and battling those are the best way to stay on the outside of my onion. (damn that shrek! he has ruined me with his whole onion analogy! :^) )

    what goes into your depression stew? what land mines and boobie traps can be set out to trip up those enemy soldiers? when i do that, i stand the best chance to step back from my depression, to peel back all the layers and win my battle.

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  2. I have read the following as a prayr so many times, if it was on paper it would be illegible. Consider the following and think of “mine enemies” as “my thoughts,” because those are my greatest danger!

    Psalm 69:16-18 Hear me, O LORD; for thy lovingkindness is good: turn unto me according to the multitude of thy tender mercies. And hide not thy face from thy servant; for I am in trouble : hear me speedily. Draw nigh unto my soul, and redeem it: deliver me because of mine enemies .

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    • Thank you. I find beauty in that prayer.

      I am coming off a two year sentence for depression. Thankfully I got out 2 months early, so my depression only lasted 22 months. I recognize that leading into my depression, my faith life wandered afar, way afar.

      I had lost both of my parents in a matter of a few years. I felt very strong resentment from their contributions to my depression stew, very strong.

      This resentment waylaid my faith, a type of belief. With out this belief it is harder to believe that there is the other side of depression. For me, that made the end of my depression look even further away, lengthening my time in depression.

      I hope to get more of my faith back as time goes on. I still have some or I would have lost the war a few times in my journey. I think hope/faith/belief serves as good weapons in the depression battle. Thank you for providing an excellent reminder.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I honestly don’t know where I’d be without my faith. I’m not even necessarily doing or following or even believing! but I am trusting He’s working anyway… really don’t think I’d be here otherwise! I don’t know how to explain it. Mental Illness/depression comes with so much guilt!! And somehow being reminded of God’s goodness as in this psalm really helps! Thanks for your comment and I am sorry about your parents 😦

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      • My parents are okay. They did what they did and it is up to me to try to move on. (omg! i can’t believe i just said that! the depression really must be lifting.)

        guilt vs. depression: which came first, the chicken or the egg? I say the chicken, which means I think the guilt. I have what I call href=“https://bipolarsojourner.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/recipe-for-depression/”>my depression recipe. that is all the things that i do or happen to me that drive me to depression. guilt is in my recipe. How about yours?

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