About Me Wanting To Kill Myself…

So over the past few days I’ve made two blog posts about me wanting to commit suicide. They were some of the worst suicidal thoughts I have had during my depression, I had everything ready to kill myself. I made one promise to myself that I would talk to my friend before I did the act, and it changed so much…

Every once in a while, don't forget to smile.

Every once in a while, don’t forget to smile.

Despite not telling anyone about my depression (except a doctor and the college counsellor) my friends had slowly drifted away from me since the start of my depression. I have also almost completely stopped talking to my family. I don’t really want to talk to people about my depression, I don’t want to be a failure. Although at lunch today I talked to my friend, but I was not going to mention suicide. They didn’t know about my depression so they began to ask how bad it was. “Do you harm yourself, by like cutting?” they asked, and all I could say was my depression was a lot worse than that. They almost instantly knew I was talking about suicide and they told me how much they cared and why they don’t want me to do it. While I will keep that conversation private, I will tell you that it did change my mind so much and I am happy I told them.

However, before talking to them there was one thing that made me think about whether I really want to kill myself. As I publish this, there were 28 comments on “I Want To Kill Myself, I Have It Planned” and another 11 comments on “To Kill Or Not To Kill”. There were so many comments from so many people that I don’t know, and all of them were so much help to me. I’m not going to say the comments saved my life (well, they helped a bit) but they made me think about what I was doing. I want to thank everyone who commented, and I’m really sorry if I upset anyone with my posts. Here are some of the really great comments.

From Tearlines on To Kill Or Not To Kill
“You feel alone right now but you might be surprised how many people would be impacted if you killed yourself. You will hurt people no matter how much you think everyone hates you. I can promise you that there will be people who will never, ever be able to get over what you have done and they will always wonder what they could have done or should have done. You don’t want that.”

I think I actually cried while reading their whole comment, whether I was meant to or not. They wrote a very long comment about personal experiences. Check out their blog, and their posts here.

From Kari on To Kill Or Not To Kill
“Then you share your words.. and help them see that they aren’t alone. That you understand their pain. Your life gives others life. You give others the words that they can’t seem to say. Your value is amazing. Your life is a light”

Nobody compliments me in real life, are they complimenting me? Whether or not, thanks for the comment.

A lot of these comments talk about light and dark, so yeah...

A lot of these comments talk about light and dark, so yeah…

From Bipolarsojourner on I Want To Kill Myself, I Have It Planned
“just know you are in a dark place and you won’t be there forever. my psychiatrist kept telling me there is the other side of depression. i stopped believing him after about 16 months. i still had 6 months to go before i finally escaped the grasp of depression”

This guy had 8 comments, I was beginning to think he was obsessed with me, or at least he cared enough to want me to live. He gave me lots of great advice, check out the comments on that article or some of his blog posts. Here and here.

And there were so many more great comments from loads of people, but I don’t want this blog post to be too long. I’ll thank everyone again now. Maybe I will do another post just to thank everyone, maybe…

And finally I want to just give a short message. I’m not over my depression, I still hate myself and I’m sure loads of people do so I can’t tell you that I’ll be fine. I can’t give my personal experience and say that everyone will survive depression. But after reading all the comments posted on my posts I can say that people do survive these mental illnesses, and there will always be people out there who care and want to help (like my friend, and like the commentators). If you reach out for help, people will try. If you need to talk to me, I will always be here for all of you. Lets take one day at a time, and today I survived. What about you?

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20 thoughts on “About Me Wanting To Kill Myself…

  1. kari says:

    I can tell you this much, you have impacted my life today. Thank you for reaching out. For sharing what your thoughts are.

    You said: “Nobody compliments me in real life, are they complimenting me? Whether or not, thanks for the comment.” I think people just go on about their lives, often thinking how someones helped was appreciated, thinking how much they enjoyed a smile or even a held door for them to walk through, but they just don’t think to say it out loud. It’s a universal weakness in humans.

    But you know, as awesome as it is to have some one say how much they appreciate us… it’s such an awesome thing to know we have done a kindness. To know we mattered in someones life. even if they forget to tell us. We know. HE knows.

    can I just pray for you? “God, you know the need. You know the struggles and the frustrations. The darkness that can try and come at anytime. I ask your love encompass and become so real that the will to live and the desire to press on will always be greater than the lies. During this holiday season when so many memories try and rob… bring a hope that shines brighter than ever before. God, you are greater. ”

    Be encouraged…… you matter so much! None of us fully know the lives we impact.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Haha don’t thank me, I need to thank you again. When anyone’s going to something like the way I’m going through my depression, even the little things help. You reminded me that there are at least some people that care, so I had to remind you how much your words helped.

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  2. I am so glad you decided to stay in the world!!!!! 😀 And I hope my comment wasn’t too upsetting. I figured the best thing I could do would be to tell you what I felt was the truth, though it was a painful truth. And by the way, I love Kari’s comments that you shared. She is SO so right. We’re all lights in the dark for each other. I’ve found reading other peoples’ blogs really helpful. More helpful than I can realistically describe. Peoples’ blogs remind me that I’m not alone and so many people are out there with mental illnesses, struggling and feeling isolated because many of us (probably most) are rather private about our illness due to ugly stigmas, and/or do not have the emotional support we need in our lives from family, friends, or doctors. Yet through the miracle of technology, we (people with depression, bipolar disorder, personality disorders, psychosis, schizophrenia, and so on) can join together into a supportive community. We’re full of the poor and the rich, all races, all genders, all countries, all politics, all religions, and all kinds of family structures, but we still have a common struggle, and we have this tremendous opportunity to help each other through the worst times and to share our collective knowledge about our illnesses, treatments, and coping mechanisms. I will keep my fingers crossed that this period of particularly bad depression eases up for you soon!!!! In the meantime, keep blogging. We’re all here with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • A lot of people don’t understand our illnesses, that’s probably what makes mine so bad. People don’t know how a depressed person thinks, and sometimes they don’t that “I care” or “I love you” can mean so much, that’s why I’m so thankful for everyone who comments on my blog as they have been through their own problems and can relate. I look through a lot of blog posts to do with mental illnesses, I’ve not read one yet where I thought it was a waste of time reading, or I thought I couldn’t help them.

      And thank you so much, I cried but you didn’t upset me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so glad you are here to tell depression it hasn’t beaten you. It’s hard to remember people care and you are special when it is hammering you down, but you can overcome and find joy in life. Sharing your story – even during your struggle – is helping others feel less alone in their own pain.

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  4. I gotta be true with you, I’m obsessed with you! or I CARE!!!!!!! No one deserves to be in the dark place you found yourself in. I just wanted to do my part to let you know that YOU ARE WORTHY, WORTHY TO LIVE!

    You had voices in your head telling you to do the dastardly deed. You also had plenty of voices outside your head, your friend and the people commenting on your blog posts. It brings me joy that you have decided to stay in this world.

    I found that I had a level of depression and a still deeper level called despair. The despair told me I had no hope and little reason to live. I am very thankful that I can say I finally beat back my despair. Still lurking is the depression but it seems manageable and I see myself both screwing up but also making good self-care decisions. I have hope that not only you can reach that point but that it won’t be too frustrating that the depression is still there.

    Give your friend a hug for me. Let her know this simple message, Thanks for caring. It means the world to me. I and the world needs more people like you.”

    I’m sending a hug through the wires; take it if you want it. Sometimes a hug at a time like this where everything seems to be falling a part, can be reassuring that your okay and that things can get better.

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      • Take as long as hug as you need.

        I am glad that people gave you soft sided support; we care about you, we’ve been there, your okay, hang in there, statements along that line. people stayed away from the hard side of love; you should do this, you ought to that, you must do this. hard sided support often can push someone closer to the edge.

        I gave you the what can i do post, https://bipolarsojourner.wordpress.com/2014/11/09/what-can-i-do/, because it is loaded with soft side goodness, something most humans crave but don’t realize. For some reason, people with depression crave it more. I think this come from the fact we think we are broken and need reassurance that we are not.

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  5. Oh, I wanted to offer you some additional hope.

    I define friend as someone who has a regular and positive impact on someone’s life. I have been attending depression support groups for months. They are a good safe place to share about where you are. Instead of blank stares, stories of yet another crappy day get answered with reassuring nods. If you can find one or two or three, they can be a good place. Now off my soapbox and on to the story.

    About a month after leaving despair, I could see friendships strewn here and there. Then, I looked at the here and now. Did I have any of these supposed friends?

    I started small. How about Mark? He’s been telling me weekly, “I’m glad your here.” It seems small but, to someone struggling, it can make all the difference. I had 1 new friend.,

    Then I thought some more. Then I had another and another and another… and I had added nine new people to my friend roll. These weren’t shallow Facebook type friends, these were friends that I had and could turn to in my hour of darkest need.

    Btw, the nine people I added to my friend roll in two days represented the longest friend roll I have ever had! I also have hope there are at least two or three that can be saved from the battlefield known as depression.

    Depressionless, my hope for you is that your struggles will help you to realize you have friends that may have gone unrecognized before.

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  6. Lisa says:

    I am thankful you are still here! I love Kari’s prayer and add mine to it. Having depression doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you a human being who may have physical causes for depression. Would you say a diabetic is a failure? Probably not. Well, neither are you for being depressed. Please remember this; if you have ever read or heard the Creation story from the Bible, you know that God spoke light and dark, land and water, animals, stars, the moon, etc. into existence. Do you realize humans are the only creation he didn’t speak into existence? Nope, He stooped down and gathered dirt and fashioned a human in His image and then breathed His life into the body. You are special and worthy because of what God did. He touched you. Please remember you have great value.

    Like

  7. I believe everybody is built different. Some of us like me. Mean like a pit bull. Will fight to the end. Some people are tender. I like your ending. “Lets take one day at a time, and today I survived. What about you?” All of us need a listener and a kind voice.

    Like

  8. Every moment that you survive you become a stronger testament to the rest of the world both of the great need that those of us who have complicated inner lives are not only not so different from them, and each other, but also that if we care enough to tell our stories and support each other in every tiny way we can, there is hope for all of us. May you have health and peace and joy, no matter how long it takes to find it and how much work it takes to nurture it. I won’t lie: it can take a long time and lots of lifelong work. But the great part of the truth is that it’s not only possible but absolutely worth it!! I’m here to tell the tale, too.
    All good things to you, from another who cares.
    Kathryn

    Like

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