So over the past few days I’ve made two blog posts about me wanting to commit suicide. They were some of the worst suicidal thoughts I have had during my depression, I had everything ready to kill myself. I made one promise to myself that I would talk to my friend before I did the act, and it changed so much…
Despite not telling anyone about my depression (except a doctor and the college counsellor) my friends had slowly drifted away from me since the start of my depression. I have also almost completely stopped talking to my family. I don’t really want to talk to people about my depression, I don’t want to be a failure. Although at lunch today I talked to my friend, but I was not going to mention suicide. They didn’t know about my depression so they began to ask how bad it was. “Do you harm yourself, by like cutting?” they asked, and all I could say was my depression was a lot worse than that. They almost instantly knew I was talking about suicide and they told me how much they cared and why they don’t want me to do it. While I will keep that conversation private, I will tell you that it did change my mind so much and I am happy I told them.
However, before talking to them there was one thing that made me think about whether I really want to kill myself. As I publish this, there were 28 comments on “I Want To Kill Myself, I Have It Planned” and another 11 comments on “To Kill Or Not To Kill”. There were so many comments from so many people that I don’t know, and all of them were so much help to me. I’m not going to say the comments saved my life (well, they helped a bit) but they made me think about what I was doing. I want to thank everyone who commented, and I’m really sorry if I upset anyone with my posts. Here are some of the really great comments.
From Tearlines on To Kill Or Not To Kill
“You feel alone right now but you might be surprised how many people would be impacted if you killed yourself. You will hurt people no matter how much you think everyone hates you. I can promise you that there will be people who will never, ever be able to get over what you have done and they will always wonder what they could have done or should have done. You don’t want that.”
From Kari on To Kill Or Not To Kill
“Then you share your words.. and help them see that they aren’t alone. That you understand their pain. Your life gives others life. You give others the words that they can’t seem to say. Your value is amazing. Your life is a light”
Nobody compliments me in real life, are they complimenting me? Whether or not, thanks for the comment.
From Bipolarsojourner on I Want To Kill Myself, I Have It Planned
“just know you are in a dark place and you won’t be there forever. my psychiatrist kept telling me there is the other side of depression. i stopped believing him after about 16 months. i still had 6 months to go before i finally escaped the grasp of depression”
This guy had 8 comments, I was beginning to think he was obsessed with me, or at least he cared enough to want me to live. He gave me lots of great advice, check out the comments on that article or some of his blog posts. Here and here.
And there were so many more great comments from loads of people, but I don’t want this blog post to be too long. I’ll thank everyone again now. Maybe I will do another post just to thank everyone, maybe…
And finally I want to just give a short message. I’m not over my depression, I still hate myself and I’m sure loads of people do so I can’t tell you that I’ll be fine. I can’t give my personal experience and say that everyone will survive depression. But after reading all the comments posted on my posts I can say that people do survive these mental illnesses, and there will always be people out there who care and want to help (like my friend, and like the commentators). If you reach out for help, people will try. If you need to talk to me, I will always be here for all of you. Lets take one day at a time, and today I survived. What about you?