To Kill Or Not To Kill

Killing myself is the only thing I have been thinking about for the past few days, and I now have almost everything ready to do it. I don’t want to discuss all of my plan but it is to hang myself on Monday night, calling the police right before I do it so they can find my body when I’m dead (and no random stranger has to see me). So if I don’t post on Monday night, that means I have gone through with it or my friend or the police has held me so I cannot do anything.

Link to the last post if anyone is interested.

I have been thinking so much about it. I read all of the comments from the previous post, and they have confused me so much. They are making me think whether I should do it or not. I’ve decided from them that I will definitely talk to my friend on Monday first, but I don’t intend to tell them that I will kill myself, just talk to them about how I feel and that I don’t want them to blame themselves. After I talk to them I won’t return to college, I will probably spend my money for the rest of the day and maybe give some money to charity (or buy those Big Issue magazines that the homeless people sell, I’ve never read one).

I am probably going to write my suicide letter today, but I’m not sure what to include. Maybe explain to my family why I am doing it, tell them not to blame themselves, and remind them of a long time ago when I was happy. I’m not sure who else I want to talk to in my letter, I might write something for my friend but I will be speaking to them on Monday so I will have to include things I wont tell them. I might write a separate message for my online friend in Israel, they know about my suicidal thoughts and we used to be close so I think it is best I explain it to them. There will probably be no one else that cares (my family probably wont even care that much), so I don’t need to write to anyone else.

The past few days have been horrible. All I can think about is how much everyone hates me, how alone I am, how much I want to (and did) cut myself, and how I will kill myself. I didn’t sleep last night because I simply couldn’t. I just need to prepare a few more things for my suicide then I’m done…

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23 thoughts on “To Kill Or Not To Kill

  1. Depression is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please don’t do it. I haven’t read the other posts but I wish you would read some of https://kbailey373.wordpress.com/ … but especially https://kbailey373.wordpress.com/2014/11/26/are-you-100-sure/. I had a suicide attempt in 85 and I really didn’t have to “go there” to get the help I needed. I will be praying for you! Please write me if you want to talk!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My brother attempted suicide before. It would have prevented his two beautiful children from having life, and his family from having him. Suicide is something you can’t take back. If you have friends and family who you feel would want to know why, then you know in your heart that they care, would be devastated, and don’t hate you. Show this post to people you know, and give them a chance to help. You are in my thoughts and prayers, with hope for a brighter future.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s sad to hear, I hope he is alright now. When I was in the situation a few days ago it felt like the right thing, but the more people told me they cared and when I talked to my friend I realised I don’t need to do it. Thanks for the comment, it meant a lot.

      Liked by 2 people

      • He survived without any lasting effects from his attempts.
        My heart went out to you, and I am hoping that this will be a turning point. Life isn’t always sunshine and roses, and we won’t always be happy, but we can always find something worth living for and there are always people who care. Noone should feel that alone. You’re more than welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. LISTEN!!!! Depression is a LIAR!!! It makes you believe all kinds of things that are not true, like the fact that your family probably won’t miss you. That is absolute BULLSHIT!!! This will DESTROY your family and all of the people who love you!!!! It will increase the chances that others close to you will also commit suicide, further destroying more lives, and enabling more suicides. GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM NOW AND TELL THEM THE TRUTH!!!! YOUR LIFE IS WORTH SAVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Like bipolaronfire said Depression is a liar!! These thoughts are temporary, suicide is not. Please get help. Having recently found out that my teenager had suicidal thoughts, I can tell you that I was devastated that she was even considering suicide. Please know that you are loved and cared about. Please get help,

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hey there, my name is Rachael and I have bipolar disorder rather than depression, so we have different disorders but I am familiar with the feeling of crushing depression. Some people who are very close to me suffer from depression, and I have watched what a burden it is. My particular form of bipolar disorder is called ultradian rapid cycling, which means I oscillate back and forth from depression and mania extremely quickly. I’m telling you this because no matter how many times I cycle, and no matter how much I know that the worst of the mania and/or depression is extremely temporary, it NEVER feels that way. My brain’s unbalanced chemistry always manages to convince me that I will always feel the worst possible way I could feel. It’s been in those moments that I’ve considered cutting my wrists. That seems to be my particular death fantasy (who knows how we come to these things, but I always imagined that to the death scenario). When it comes down to it–and it sounds like you have a similar feeling–I never really want to die explicitly, I always just want the pain to stop. What person wouldn’t?! If you had the option to live without depression and experience happiness more often, I expect you’d take it and trash your suicide plans.

    We are not so fortunate as to be able to get rid of our illnesses. But I hope you will read what I have to say and take what I’m telling you to heart, coming from a place of personal experience. You are at an age when mood disorders can be exponentially worse because you’re also going through or are at the tail end of puberty, which is a big pile of shit, it’s awful! Your body’s chemistry is not going to be settling down until you’re a few years older. This is one of several reasons to hold out hope and to (hopefully indefinitely) postpone your plans. I believe that you have tried to get help in a plethora of ways, and it SUCKS that nothing has helped you yet. But one thing you need in order to figure out your emotional baseline is wait until your body is done with a major hormonal change. Because even teenagers without mood disorders can experience passing or “experiential” depression. Being a teenager is fucking miserable for many people, that’s the truth. I believe you should wait to get beyond those years and even out a little bit before deciding you have no other way out of this pain. Incidentally, when I was first ill I lost almost all of my friends, pretty much within a couple months time. That hurts, man that hurts a lot. They just didn’t understand that I was sick and didn’t have the patience or sympathy I needed. My parents were completely incapable of providing me with the kind of emotional support I needed because they were uneducated about bipolar disorder, so I felt intensely alone. It’s a deep, deep hurt on top of the emotional instability. More painful than can be explained. However, that, too, changes. You find that something like severe depression tends to weed out people who just aren’t good for you… the most bizarre of silver linings. There are much more patient, strong people out there–especially as people get older–who will be good friends to you. Again, unfortunately, you may have to live without these kind of special people for a little while until people around you reach a certain level of maturity, but they will come. I can guarantee that. In the meantime, weed out the assholes and keep trying to find the good ones. That’s what people with mental illnesses and disorders have to do. It’s incredibly unfair, I know, but every time you find another one of these special people, it allows you to have more hope for yourself and more support.

    You know, it took me six years before I figured out the medications that actually helped me. It’s incredibly difficult to figure out the right combination sometimes, but it IS attainable. The way I ended up figuring out the right medications for me was after years of psychiatrists who failed, I started doing pharmacological research myself, figuring out what new meds were out there and how different people responded to them. Seriously! I was just like, fuck you doctors, you’re failing, I will figure it out myself. This is not the most traditional path… and perhaps it is not ideal. But it does put some power in your hands to actually help yourself, or to work towards something that will ease your pain but not take your life away from you. Similarly, it took me several years to find a therapist who didn’t suck. I’ve been through a lot of them. One woman in college told me I was “too difficult” for her to handle, and that I needed someone who was “more experienced”. In other words, I was too fucked up for her. I felt so low in that moment, like I was so severely ill even a trained professional said to herself, “Ut oh… nope I can’t deal with this one.”

    Hopefully what these few paragraphs have demonstrate to you, if you believe I am being truthful with you, is that there is a lot more hope for you than you may think. You’re in a shit situation right now but it is not a permanent one. You have no power over what is happening in your brain right now, you can’t change what’s happening. But you ARE empowered to help yourself more than you may think. The second I stopped seeing myself as helpless was the biggest turning point in my life. At that time the bipolar disorder was so severe I’d begun to experience psychosis. I started seeing and hearing hallucinations. I couldn’t sleep, or I slept almost all of the time depending on the day. And I hated almost everyone, including myself. STILL. I came through it. I am not special. You can do this, too.

    I want to tell you why I never killed myself, because it’s not like I knew these things I wrote above when I was a teenager. When I was 16, a friend of mine shot himself in the head (and obviously he died). It came as a total surprise to everyone. But in retrospect, it wasn’t very surprising because he was largely ostracized at our school because he wasn’t a “cool” kid or a particularly smart kid or talented kid. He was just odd, he didn’t seem to fit in anywhere. I feel ashamed to say (but it’s important for you to know) that I felt embarrassed to be seen with him because he was so disliked in our school. I was in the “band geeks” crowd so it isn’t as if I was popular or something but I was still too self-obsessed to dare to be seen with him. Many other people who liked him responded similarly–they avoided him. That’s because a lot of teenagers (and it turns out, haha, a lot of PEOPLE regardless of age) are very much involved in their own lives and kind of tune out other people. It’s a narcissistic time, and a cruel time. People at our school weren’t sympathetic to my friend’s problems. They didn’t think about, or tried not to think about, how painful it must have been for him to be so marginalized. He was having a terrible time at home (bad home situation, terrible parents, emotionally abusive people) and when he left home, he found an environment where he felt hated. So one day he went home, locked himself in a room in front of his father, and ate his father’s gun. Now, me and this guy hadn’t been close for years. As I said I’d been avoiding him; I was a coward. But we had been very close a few years prior and his death made me feel destroyed, depressed, and guilty. I will never be able to kill myself because his funeral was full of people who were genuinely upset. Not like a group of people going to a funeral because it’s the appropriate thing to do; there were over a hundred kids there, feeling fucking miserable. His entire family was destroyed (though, of course, I have slightly less pity for them know how cruel they were to him… they were truly cruel, bad people). You feel alone right now but you might be surprised how many people would be impacted if you killed yourself. You will hurt people no matter how much you think everyone hates you. I can promise you that there will be people who will never, ever be able to get over what you have done and they will always wonder what they could have done or should have done. You don’t want that. This is usually around the time when someone says something like, “Suicide is selfish.” I don’t think that. I think suicide is an act from a desperate person who is in excruciating pain and can find no other way out of it. It isn’t selfish to not want to be in excruciating pain, it’s normal. But you need to understand that you are not done with your hormonal development, you haven’t met the right people yet, and you will leave pain in the wake of your death. It doesn’t end with you, it will spread to other people. Nobody will be better off if you are not around, no matter what you may think and no matter what anyone says to you.

    I don’t believe in God so I also don’t think suicide is a sin. I don’t think you will go to Hell and all this kind of stuff. What I think will happen is that you will have missed an opportunity to live. You can still live if you will just have the strength to hold on to hope, even as it feels like a stupid thing to do. Even if you feel weak. Even when you’re feeling like you’ve tried everything and you have no reason to hope. Trust someone who has been in a similar place. This is not the only place you will ever be. It’s unlikely that you will ever be depression-free unless some new magical drug comes out and I don’t want to insult your intelligence by pretending every moment of your life will be rainbows and kittens and puppies all around you. If someone tries to sell you that shit they are fools. But it is highly likely that you will figure out a way to experience more middle ground feelings and even more joy. Remember that feeling? I’ve been several years without the feeling of joy before, those are some fucking dark times. But you can and will better yourself. My life isn’t easy but with a tremendous amount of work it has become something I want to have. I want to live. Your journey isn’t over yet. You still have the opportunity to find something out there that is better, and you will miss it if you kill yourself because you’ll be dead. Please live.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Lisa says:

    I had a beautiful Godly friend who hung herself at the end of October. Her daughter turned 18 three days before, and it was her nineteenth anniversary with her husband. Both of them are now devastated and trying to go on without her. She had many friends and acquaintances who cared for her. Since she didn’t leave a note and there was no sign of depression, they are left to wonder what happened. Please don’t assume no one cares. It is obvious from these responses that even people who you don’t know care enough to invest our time in sharing with you and being concerned for your health and well-being. God loves You and can help you. He has provided doctor’s, therapists, and medications to help people. Let Him be Your hope. Please remember you are valuable and you have gifts for this world. Seek help. Suicide is permanent, and the next day difficulties might have eased, you might have seen some relief come, might have made a difference in someone else’s life, etc. Hang in there, please, for the sake of those who care.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks, I read your comment when you posted and I’m feeling a bit better now (good enough to reply). I’m glad I’ve found people who care now, and I’m trying to get help even though that help failed in the past. Also, “hang in there” is probably not the best phrase for someone who’s suicidal, just saying 🙂

      I’m sorry to hear about your friend, I’m probably not the best person to talk to, but if you want to talk I’m always here.

      Like

  7. We think we know what everyday will bring but we are not God and are mistaken so many times. This mistake is still correctable. Sure the world will not end when you die, nor when I die. You have not waited to see what you were made for. It may be like the latest bus ever on a crazy cold slushy night in the dark but you never know who is going to be riding with you. Wait for the bus with the rest of us. In the meantime these folks will talk anytime: Lifeline, the national suicide prevention hotline for USA

    Phone: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
    Website: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

    If you are not in the USA then there are international suicide hotlines to call. These are the people who understand mental illness. They are tough on depression, bipolar, borderline personality disorder all those things we hate, but we have to come to terms with in order to join humanity.
    Joan

    Like

  8. Many of us have come to this decision in our lives and we do have that choice to do as we so choose….but we don’t have the right to take our love our love away from our loved ones nor our friendship away from our friends. The hopelessness, the abandament and rejection we personally face is the same that we will impose on those we leave behind. When we step back and take a closer look…that becomes pretty selfish on our part. I could only think of what Jesus felt on the cross when He said, “My God, My God why have you forsaken Me?” Yet He knew He had a reason, purpose and plan for His life…just as you and all of us have. God’s love is greater than the feeling our human loss on earth. You may choose to take your life but Jesus Christ will be holding your hand when you do saying…..”I’ve always loved you and will love you forever.” He made a difference in my life and He can make the difference in your lifel

    Like

  9. kari says:

    Do you realize how much what you have shared has already helped others? Do you realize you are not alone? The globe is full of those who feel the same as you. They stay locked in their silent world …. needing someone to tell them they are not alone. Desperate for some hope. Then you share your words.. and help them see that they aren’t alone. That you understand their pain. Your life gives others life. You give others the words that they can’t seem to say. Your value is amazing. Your life is a light… If you could just open your eyes and see the hope you offer…. and take hold of that hope yourself. Our minds lie to us so often. We let it whisper things that are not true. It is only if we act on those lies do we find emptiness. If we focus on the value we have.. the very fact that we live .. the very fact that we can reach out to others who struggle.. oh what joy would fill us. You have a purpose. You matter. YOU have great value. Don’t let lies rob you. Make the choice to live.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. theangrypolemicist says:
    • I’m currently reading a book called Understanding Depression, it covers a lot of basic stuff about depression (it is helpful), but doesn’t really go into suicide or why I feel as bad as I do. I might order that book.

      Thanks as well! This post was actually almost 3 weeks old, I’m feeling better than when I wrote it but I still have suicidal thoughts every day. I do hope I can get better, I do have a little bit of hope left, but I probably need a bit more than hope. Thanks.

      Like

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