Killing myself is the only thing I have been thinking about for the past few days, and I now have almost everything ready to do it. I don’t want to discuss all of my plan but it is to hang myself on Monday night, calling the police right before I do it so they can find my body when I’m dead (and no random stranger has to see me). So if I don’t post on Monday night, that means I have gone through with it or my friend or the police has held me so I cannot do anything.
I have been thinking so much about it. I read all of the comments from the previous post, and they have confused me so much. They are making me think whether I should do it or not. I’ve decided from them that I will definitely talk to my friend on Monday first, but I don’t intend to tell them that I will kill myself, just talk to them about how I feel and that I don’t want them to blame themselves. After I talk to them I won’t return to college, I will probably spend my money for the rest of the day and maybe give some money to charity (or buy those Big Issue magazines that the homeless people sell, I’ve never read one).
I am probably going to write my suicide letter today, but I’m not sure what to include. Maybe explain to my family why I am doing it, tell them not to blame themselves, and remind them of a long time ago when I was happy. I’m not sure who else I want to talk to in my letter, I might write something for my friend but I will be speaking to them on Monday so I will have to include things I wont tell them. I might write a separate message for my online friend in Israel, they know about my suicidal thoughts and we used to be close so I think it is best I explain it to them. There will probably be no one else that cares (my family probably wont even care that much), so I don’t need to write to anyone else.
The past few days have been horrible. All I can think about is how much everyone hates me, how alone I am, how much I want to (and did) cut myself, and how I will kill myself. I didn’t sleep last night because I simply couldn’t. I just need to prepare a few more things for my suicide then I’m done…