I Want To Kill Myself, I Have It Planned

I haven’t posted on my blog in a couple of days. This time, I’m not just feeling sad, I’m not just feeling depressed. This time I really want to kill myself.

I have had suicidal thoughts in the past few months, I did want to die in those times. I have thought about ways to kill myself many times, I’ve looked up the correct way to slit my wrists, how to successfully hang myself, and how much of certain drugs I need to die from an overdose. I’ve looked at that before and thought about each one many times. This time it is different though. I have everything planned in my head, I am thinking so much that when I do it, it should be perfect.

Do I want to die? I’m not sure. Do I want my depression and all of my problems to just disappear? Yes, definitely. I’ve tried to get help. The police have been round my house twice, but the only help they gave me was removing my knife (I got another one shortly after). I have been to the hospital but the “specialist” I spoke to didn’t even want to speak to me. I have visited my GP three times, they have referred me to CAMHS and given me a few way to stop self-harming, but none of them work. I don’t know when CAMHS will contact me, but it won’t be in time. I have no friends or family to speak to except for one person, and they are away for the weekend. I’ve tried to get help but nothing will help.

So what is my plan? How? When? So far my plan is to do it on Monday, so I will discuss further plans through my blog over the weekend. By the end of the weekend I should have everything prepared, and if I still want to kill myself by then it is probably the best thing for me. I have no one to talk to about this, unless someone who reads my blog wants to talk. Anyone?

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35 thoughts on “I Want To Kill Myself, I Have It Planned

  1. I don’t think you should kill yourself. But, who am I to talk? I’m nobody but a stranger. I don’t know your life and what has lead you to this decision. But, one thing I am sure of it that suicide is not the answer. Even if does seem to be the only choice. I speak from experience. I have been down this route. I have tried to kill myself. I battle with these tempting thoughts everyday. But, in the end it’s not the answer. One breathe at a time. That’s is how I am living. I can’t tell you what will work for you or what to do to make things better. I’m not much of a talker/writer. But, I can listen. so, go ahead and rant and rave to me if you need somebody to. I can’t promise amazing answer. But, I can promise to listen. Maybe that in itself can help.
    Tony

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve wrote the ways I’ve tried to get help in my post, and they have all failed so far. I have kind of accepted I wont get any better, I have had my depression my months and my suicidal thoughts for a long time too. My friends have all drifted away in that time as well. I don’t see what option I have left except for suicide.

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      • There are always other options. Even when there doesn’t seem to be. I know how hard it is to cope and be alone. It’s not fair or easy. But, nothing is fair or easy. It’s life and it sucks. But if you can somehow calm the wind in your brain. Just for a little bit. I understand why you have come to this decision. I do. I get it. But, it’s really not the answer. I’m really poor with my words and I’m sure I’m coming off wrong. But, I do intend to try to help, even I’m failing miserably. I’m sorry if I’m a annoyance. But take it from someone who has been down that same road. Happiness will only come from within. Even if it’s a feat.

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      • Your friends stop calling because they don’t understand depression and in particular, isolation. i’m sure you are there since you mentioned losing all your friends. isolation is a horrible place to be. it is so alone.

        at a time like this you want to know that people care. let me offer up a suggestion

        – pick the four “friends” you think are most willing to help. add any family members you think will help.
        – ask them if they still care about you. i’m willing to bet they are. have them commit to the following two items.

        1 call you at least once a week. let them know you probably won’t answer or even return the call.
        2 have them leave non-judgemental messages like, i care about you, i know you are in a dark place and it sucks, you can make it through, hang in there, i’m there for you, if you need someone to talk to, get me a call.

        this will remind you at least four times a week that someone cares about you. they cared enough to reach out and let you know that. they hopefully follow the non-judgmental aspect of the message so they aren’t serving up a helping of guilt. You don’t need that right know. You need to feel okay again.

        i care about you! no one deserves to be in the dark, lifeless place you find yourself in.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks both of you for replying.

        bipolarsojouner, I might try it, but I don’t even think I have 4 people I could call friends now. I do have one that I wanted to talk to, but they are away this weekend. Even if I kill myself, I want to talk to them first. Thanks for the advice anyway, it means a lot!

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  2. hey depressionless,

    it sucks to be where you are. It never feels good contemplating taking your life. i’ve been there. i had it all planned out to make sure my actions couldn’t be reversed.

    i’m asking for an expansion of your hope. you have some; you are still here. i hope you’ll hold me up as an example of the fact you can reach the other side. it may be a journey, but you can get there. at times when the journey seems to long, a bit of encouragement can keep you going. I hope I am a bit of encouragement for you.

    if you need someone to talk to, do contact me. we can figure a way to exchange phone numbers.

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    • Thanks for replying. I’ve had hope before but after trying to get better, I don’t see much point in hoping. If I need to talk Ill be sure to try and contact you, but I think I need some time to think this though for myself.

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      • i didn’t say four people you would call friends, i said four people who still care enough to have you around.

        just know you are in a dark place and you won’t be there forever. my psychiatrist kept telling me there is the other side of depression. i stopped believing him after about 16 months. i still had 6 months to go before i finally escaped the grasp of depression.

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      • you are in the state of despair. when depression gets so low, all hope seems to disappear, that’s despair. it’s not fun there. seemingly everything you try to relieve your depression, doesn’t seem to make a dent. while there, it becomes much easier to consider the act we don’t like to speak of.

        despair is harder to escape because a person is not only sad, they have lost nearly all hope.

        you haven’t lost all hope, otherwise you would do the irreversible act without first calling your friend. hang onto that hope. when that seed of hope grows, gaining freedom from despair becomes a possibility. once free of despair, treating the depression becomes much easier to do since hope has returned.

        depressionless-YOU ARE WORTH IT! hang in there.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey, please read my whole comment before dismissing me!
    I understand the suicide thing, the planning, visualising, mental banter ‘should I? Shouldn’t I?’ I sat and written my letters, ‘seen’ myself doing it, the aftermath or surviving and dying. One thing I have learnt, from myself and from others I have know in similar situations, those that really really WANT to die, generally don’t tell people before hand.
    I’m not trivialising your feelings and I’m not trying to talk you out of it – not my place. But it sounds more to me that you are just tired of feeling this way and feeling like you’re not getting help.
    Please just check with yourself – is it total death you want or total help?
    Remember, if you tell a doctor or crisis team you WILL kill yourself if left alone, they are duty bound to take you seriously and maybe a stay in hospital. For me, it was the ONLY way anyone would really listen.
    Whatever you decide, please accept my love and wish for some peace for you xxx

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    • I want any way of out my depression. I’ve been seen by police, doctors, the hospital before and nothing has made me better. If there was something I could do to get better I would try it, but the only option I can think of that I haven’t tried is suicide.

      Thanks for reading and replying, but if the doctors didn’t help me before how would they help this time?

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      • Are you in the uk? I know at my worst, it took 3 days of utter hell before I got admitted. I was removed from a train station and called our local crisis team 3 times in 6hrs before deciding I had only one option. I was found in time and as I was a threat to my own safety was admitted to hospital. I’ll not lie, hospital isn’t pleasant BUT it does mean professionals take you seriously. You will get time with a psych to express your illness, people who understand how you feel, and safety. Feeling safe goes a long way.
        I’ve had a few wonderful years after this that have been happy and healthy.
        Only you can decide how far you take it
        Xxx

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      • Yeah, I’m from the UK. I’m so confused now I don’t know what to do, I need more time to think about it. Thanks for replying though, I’ll reply to this or make another post tomorrow. I don’t know what to do.

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  4. Hello. I saw you liked one of my posts (thank you) so I clicked your picture and well here we are. First of all I’d like to say I’m an idiot because I’ve spent like 2 minutes trying to figure out where the heck the reply button was. Oh! durrr it’s at the very bottom of the page. I’m a bit new to this website you should see me trying trying to click on everything just to find my own dam^ page I still get confused, lol.

    I can’t give you much advice or anything because don’t know what you’ve had to deal with and such but I can say I’ve been there many times. Currently what keeps me going is wanting to have a chance at a better life. To get better, move on from my past and start being me because I haven’t had the chance and I’ll be f^cking dam^ed if I don’t go out fighting my last breathe. I’m angry, and you should be too. The world can bring you down but don’t you want to prove that B!^ch wrong?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So I’m sitting here crying and thinking, “Why am I so upset about this.” I feel kind of scared. Scared that you might actually do it. Scared that ‘you’ could easily be ‘me’ in the future. Scared knowing that this is the way I would have made or make the people I know (even the acquaintances or strangers who know only as much as they’ve read about you on your blog) feel if I did it. Please give yourself another chance

    Liked by 1 person

    • Do you ever get that feeling that the people you know wouldn’t care if you were dead? I get that feeling all the time. I’m just so confused what to do now. I feel the people replying to this probably care more about me than some of the people I know.

      Thanks for replying though, it means a lot!

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      • we just might because we can empathize with you. We know what its like to be in your shoes. How sad of a place it is. We know how crappy it is. No one belongs there, not even you.

        Understand, you aren’t broken or wrong to be were you are at, you’re just struggling.

        In the states, all someone needs to do is walk into the er and say I want to kill myself and they’ll be admitted.i understand you are in the uk so the system may be different, but it may be worth a try.

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      • I do, but usually I feel and think that way when I’m in a depressed mood and the more severe I’m depressed the more I think they don’t care. In my opinion what matters more is how much do you care about yourself, because no one else knows you like you do or ever will.

        I remember a post someone online or something telling you to pretend you are a small innocent child and you’re looking at yourself as you are now. What would you say to him/her? Would you say the same things you’ve been saying to yourself to them or would you be kind to them?

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m very sorry to hear you are in this dark place right now. I’ve talked to several people in the same position and all I can say is that it does get better. On the psychological level, talking to the right therapist can make all the difference. On the biological level, finding the right medication (if necessary) can provide added benefits. Don’t give up. You have value to offer the world.

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    • Neither of those will be coming to me any time soon though. I’m on a waiting list to see a counsellor and regular doctors will not give me medication because of my age – I have to get it from the counsellor. The UK is crazy, our government doesn’t care how many people kill themselves.

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  7. I’ve been where you are and there’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll be there again.
    This illness is lethal. It consumes you and all you want is for it all to just stop, for everything to just bloody stop so you can just rest and find peace. I have lay in bed, crying and praying that I would just stop breathing so the pain of existing with this illness would just stop. I know this illness is different for everyone so who I am to tell you it will get better but I believe it can.
    Mental health services are a joke and honestly an insult. You may think ending your life won’t affect many others as I noticed you said you don’t have family or friends apart from the one but believe me it would affect many (people you wouldn’t even dream of it affecting). When I hear of a suicide it devastates me. Not of someone I know or have had any previous connections with. When I hear about it of anyone. I know I’ve been in that place and I’ve planned it so many times but something has stopped me. Now nothing spectacular has happened while I’ve lived on but tiny things have. Tiny things that made me laugh again. Tiny things that gave me a glimpse of hope. As tiny as they were they still happened. Those tiny moments are worth living for. Who knows some day those tiny things may grow so big that they’ll overshadow this illness, they’ll help us beat it. So please try hold on for one of those tiny things. X

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      • it is so good to be talking to you again.

        why wait? because you have hope; you don’t believe it, but you do. You are looking for and finding hope:

        1. you are finding hope in you. you wouldn’t be reaching out for any form of hope without some hope yourself. the fact that you are reaching out for help and conversing with people is a sign of hope.

        2.you are still talking to the internet. you have hope that you can find someone or something to turn you around. you cried for help and hope in yesterday’s post.

        3. the fact that you are still with us is a BIG sign of hope. without hope, you would of done the dirty deed by now.

        4. the fact that you want to talk to your friend before the act, means your friend is a source of hope. their hope brings you hope.

        4. you listened to what i had to say and the message has encouraged you enough to follow my blog. your hope lies in finding other sources of hope. that’s okay.

        why wait? because you have and are looking for hope. From personal experience, i know that recognizing self hope and the hope that others have in you seems unfathomable. depression and despair has obscured that for you, but it is there.

        and like gold, the more you seek, the more you will find. and hope is far more valuable that gold.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. deepbluesandseafoamgreens says:

    I care about you, and I’ve never met you, and this is my first time reading something from your blog. Please, please don’t do it. True, I’m just a stranger, but something which has always made me go “woah” is how deeply people who have never met before (and never will) do care about each other. Like, I don’t even know you but reading this broke my heart. I’ve tried to kill myself before, and I understand the suicidal feelings and all. I’m easing off of the self-harm at the moment, so I’m not 100% but even in saying that, I believe in you. Both of us, actually. *hugs* – but if you’re not a hug person (to be honest, I’m not, but online I give internet hugs from time to time ^_^ then here, here’s a glass of water. Breathe in and out. Now…I’m here if you ever want to talk. Your readers; we’re all here. We won’t judge at all.
    How are you feeling at the moment?
    Sending best wishes to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I hope you are okay. I will listen if needed. Suicide is part of all of us. Once I had a loaded 30-30 on the my table. I blamed myself for two brothers committing suicide. One dear friend saved me and held me up. Depression is hard. I live for my kids now. I’m very tire. Sometime the things we do are needed. Every life is worthwhile.

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  10. Wow, I am so sorry you are feeling that you are at this crossroad, hanging on the edge of the nothingness. I have been there several times over. I’ve done the self harming, the self deprecation. I hear those voices in my head telling me I’m no good, stupid, and ugly. I have scars no one can see; they are buried deep inside.
    I have lived 50+ years, 30 of them I have suffered depression. I have lived through the loss of loved ones including my baby girl.
    There is no way I can tell you it will get better permanently. Life isn’t like that. It is a constant roller coaster. Ups and downs. Hills and valleys. I looks forward to the highs and dread the lows.
    Please chose life. Find a therapist who can help. It may take several tries. I have see five different therapist over my life and only two of them seemed to help. You can message me anytime you need. My contact info is on my blog.
    Be well and LIVE.

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  11. As have many others that blog, I have been in low places. Suicide was constantly on my mind. It would get so bad that I could not sleep. Then, it was trying to find the right anti-depressant. Being frustrated with not finding anything that worked. I found that all of this is not so bad. When I started writing, some of this clutter in my brain seem to be clearer. I also found that writing helped. I really did not like talking. I had a fear that people would just get tired hearing the same thing and I would angry at hearing the same thing. The advice that came was “just snap out of it” or “be happy” would make more angry and depressed.

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  12. I was going to say something, but I read another of your blogs and decided you said it best.
    Please follow your own advice. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I was suicidal off and on for many years, sometimes for weeks on end. I’m so glad I stuck around. I haven’t been suicidal in several years. I take a low dose of an antidepressant, but just as importantly I go to 12-step meetings, which I initially did for my addiction problems, but ultimately they ended up helping me not only cope with life, but learning how to actually be content with life. AND I do what they call “service work,” helping others in whatever way I can. They say we keep what we have by giving it away. I have 5 service commitments every month: I take 12-step meetings into prison twice a month, I talk at a treatment center once a month, and twice a month I lead a group for parents who have sons and daughters struggling with addiction. These activities give me a purpose in life, but just as importantly, keep me from getting into my own head, where if I stay too long I can create problems where none exist…. Anyway, thank you for reading my blog on perspective today….

    A slight shift in perspective can have a HUGE impact on my reality….

    Here’s how YOU put it in a previous blog:

    “Make yourself a promise, wait 24 hours. In 24 hours your feelings might go and you will want to live. I can’t promise that will happen, like I said I don’t know your circumstances, but it is worth a try. In those 24 hours try to forget about all of your worries. Do something you enjoy, it’s time to be selfish. If this is going to be your last day, you may as well enjoy it. If the 24 hours go by and you still feel suicidal come back here and keep reading.

    Okay, so after 24 hours you are still feeling suicidal. Now what? Sometimes you can’t see the positives on your own, have you tried talking to someone? Find a trusted friend or relative and have a chat with them. Tell them everything as long as you are comfortable with them knowing, you will find that unexpected people can help. Sometimes just talking about your problems will make you feel better. I had one time where I didn’t have a friend to talk to so I used a helpline. You can use one of the helplines below, or contact me:
    UK and Ireland: Samaritans, 08457 90 90 90 (UK), 116 123 (Ireland)
    USA and Canada: Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255
    Australia: Lifeline, 13 11 14
    Use a search engine to find one for your country.

    After all of this I would hope you are not considering suicide anymore. The helplines mentioned above can give you further advice on what to do. There are options such as getting away from dangerous objects, putting yourself in hospital (I know this will cost money in some countries), or going on a short holiday. In the end, the choice is yours and I respect your decision. I hope you don’t choose suicide. I know life can get better, you just have to keep fighting. I am always here to talk, and I will never judge you no matter what you are thinking.

    If you think I am writing this randomly, I am not. I have been suicidal in the past and I will be in the future. I WILL LOOK AT THIS PAGE DURING THOSE TIMES and hopefully I don’t pick that option. Stay strong!”

    I wish you peace.

    Gary 🙂

    Like

    • Thanks for taking the time to comment 🙂
      The post you are quoting I actually wrote earlier today, I couldn’t really look at it a month ago! I’m sure it will be there in the future for me though. You sound like a great man, it’s great that you have so many volunteering commitments. I’m a teenager though (surprise) so I’m not sure how many places would let me take up commitments like that.

      Like

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