I haven’t posted on my blog in a couple of days. This time, I’m not just feeling sad, I’m not just feeling depressed. This time I really want to kill myself.
I have had suicidal thoughts in the past few months, I did want to die in those times. I have thought about ways to kill myself many times, I’ve looked up the correct way to slit my wrists, how to successfully hang myself, and how much of certain drugs I need to die from an overdose. I’ve looked at that before and thought about each one many times. This time it is different though. I have everything planned in my head, I am thinking so much that when I do it, it should be perfect.
Do I want to die? I’m not sure. Do I want my depression and all of my problems to just disappear? Yes, definitely. I’ve tried to get help. The police have been round my house twice, but the only help they gave me was removing my knife (I got another one shortly after). I have been to the hospital but the “specialist” I spoke to didn’t even want to speak to me. I have visited my GP three times, they have referred me to CAMHS and given me a few way to stop self-harming, but none of them work. I don’t know when CAMHS will contact me, but it won’t be in time. I have no friends or family to speak to except for one person, and they are away for the weekend. I’ve tried to get help but nothing will help.
So what is my plan? How? When? So far my plan is to do it on Monday, so I will discuss further plans through my blog over the weekend. By the end of the weekend I should have everything prepared, and if I still want to kill myself by then it is probably the best thing for me. I have no one to talk to about this, unless someone who reads my blog wants to talk. Anyone?